Open Letters

Dear Mother Nature,

Why are you such a dirty, dirty sloot? I truly appreciate the warning that winter is here. It's basically like you are screaming at the top of your lungs: "Hey, you idiots in Wisconsin! Wake up! Winter of 2009 is coming and it ain't gonna be pretty! Do you remember last winter? Those 100 inches of snow were nothing, my pretties. Muuh-ha-ha [evil laugh]."

Yes, it is dropping to 17 degrees tonight. And yes, the high for tomorrow is 28 degrees. But I think you forgot something, Mother Nature. It's freaking FALL and I'm not going to succumb to your meek attempts of brainwash. No, I will not hurl myself from a fifth floor window. No, I will not allow myself to mumble obscenities directed towards you as I walk/sprint to work each day. Your bitter cold wind won't scare me one bit. 

Sincerely,

Haggard Missourian turned Wisconsinite. Very, very haggard.

P.S. That little snowstorm you hurled at us on Monday night? Yeah, the one that caused mass confusion and chaos and the worst traffic jam of all times after work? Really sweet. Awesome. I loved my 1.5 hour commute home, since it's usually takes me all of 30 minutes to leave work, drive home and get into my lounge pants. You really messed with my lounge time, you know?Do that again soon and see what happens. You biyatch.

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Dear precious laptop,

I now believe in miracles. You were dead then brought back to life by one thing: hope. When my husband pulled you from the dungeon that is our storage closet, I told him, "There is no way that piece is going to work. It died this summer, never to return again." But he believed in you and you made him proud. You turned on [gasp!] and somehow managed to charge your own battery [double gasp!]. 

And now, you are running like a champ---mysteriously and wonderfully. Thank you for making us a duel computer household again. My marriage thanks you a million times over. And so does our savings account [I could almost smell the $1200 whooshing out the window with a new laptop purchase].

Sincerely,

The one who gets the big fat desktop in the other room. :)

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Dear closet,

Why do you suck so badly? I hate you and all of your contents. You are so pathetic and old. Please make a cute outfit appear immediately. I need something warm and adorable to wear for our pictures on Sunday. [You know, the Christmas card shoot? Yep, it's going to happen. Nate surrendered to my photographic desires yet again!]

So yeah, make it a cute, warm, and free outfit, dear closet.

Sincerely,

Ensemble-y challenged. 

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Dear work week,

Why are you so mind numbingly long? 

That is all.

Sincerely,

Yearning for a day when I don't work full time. 

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Dear Thanksgiving,

Please don't wave your magical wand over my head and force me to eat until my eyes bulge out of my skull. It's quite unnecessary and yet oh-so-fun. But really, I could live without the turkey coma this year....and the multiple slices of pie are truly ridiculous. 

After all, I just joined a gym to stay physically fit.

On second thought.....bring on the freaking turkey.

Love,

Never ending pit for a stomach. 

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Dear muscles,

You are such weak pieces of crap. Please re-train yourselves accordingly. Remember when you could handle weight training like pros? Yeah, now you are like limp little noodles quivering after two push ups. It's quite embarrassing actually, and I will not accept the excuse of "Well, when you train for a marathon you don't really have time to weight train" anymore.

Get to it. And stop making my life miserable the day after I lift weights. I need to recover full functioning of my arms in a timely fashion or I will not be able to grip the steering wheel anymore. Seriously.

Sincerely,

My arms feel like they went through a grinder

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Dear D-bags at my new gym,

Please remove the disgusting gel from your hair prior to working out. You look like a freaking over-tanned, muscle-bound porcupines. Also, refrain from sweating on the equipment. Your sweat smells like rancid Old Spice and L.A. Looks hair gel. And if you look at your bulging 'ceps in the mirror one more time I might be forced to flex my limp quivering noodles at you in response. So there:)

Sincerely,

Thinks she is hardcore sometimes, then fails miserably while doing a push up.