Balancing Act

I've been feeling very reflective lately, especially when it comes to my journey as a working mom and all the ups and downs that came along for the ride. I'm sure it has something to do with my brand new job being awesome and only requiring three days a week from me (although I'm still doing that extra half day on Thursdays at the old job, too). But I feel like I have to share my thoughts on this one.

During my maternity leave with Truman I was literally panicked about returning to work. I just didn't think I could muster up the strength to leave my precious bundle of squishiness all day long. The typical phrases like, 'Leaving the baby with strangers,' and 'Paying for someone else to raise your child,' and 'You'll miss out on so much,' are like daggers in the heart to any working mom. I dug myself into a hole of 'I can't do it, it will be too hard,' within the first month of being home with Truman. And as the 12 week countdown continued my anxiety increased exponentially, although I made a conscious effort to enjoy each day and not spend time worrying about the end of the blissful time off. The week before I returned was the hardest: the anticipation was absolutely horrendous and I just couldn't stop crying about it. But you know what? My first day back to work was honestly not as bad as I had made it out to be in my mind. I tell every single new mom who plans to return to work that the anticipation is one hundred times worse than the reality of it. Or at least it was for me.

But then again, it was still SO hard to feel like my heart was being pulled in two different directions. I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom with every ounce of my being and it just simply was not an option. As the breadwinner, insurance carrier, and sole income I had no choice but to work to provide for my family: a fact that I was well aware of before we had Truman, and something that I totally signed up for when I wanted to have a baby before Nate was finished with school. And yet, I'd be lying if I said that those first few months back to work were easy because they absolutely were not. My heart wanted to be at home and my mind knew it was ridiculous to think about that idea. I was tired from lack of sleep, working on my feet all day, pumping a ridiculous amount of milk from my body, and trying to juggle it all in the evenings, too. It was hard and I constantly dreamed of a day I could stay at home forever.

And then something weird happened: I took another job in a flexible setting, that allowed me to work only 30 hours a week instead of the 36 I was putting in before. I didn't have to work every other weekend anymore. And I was almost always finished for the day by 4 at the absolute latest. All of a sudden my mindset changed and I started to feel the swing towards the 'mommy' role in me, moving away from the 'PT' role as my primary title. Truman also started sleeping through the night around that time (finally!) and I'm sure that had something to do with the new ray of sunshine coming out of my rear. Sleep makes everything better you know.

Then a little bit after the holidays I got a call from another home health company and I took a leap of faith to make yet another job change. I definitely made the right decision although it was a tough one and now I'm in a place where I can feasibly work just 20 hours a week if I so choose. Amazing, right? I have not felt this balanced when it comes to my PT career and my mommy career since....ever. It's just so nice to have the ability to bring home a paycheck, wear that PT hat and help others in need, and then have some recoup time at home with mister man afterward. I am incredibly blessed to be in this position and feel totally at peace with where I am in the working mom world right now. It sure did take awhile though, and it sure as heck wasn't easy along the way.

I'm not saying that working moms have it harder than stay at home moms by any means. I know that just using the words 'working mom' that will surely stir up some defensive thoughts from the moms who work hard inside their homes, raising their children. I hate that it always seems to be working moms versus stay-at-home moms because we really don't have to be on opposite teams. I'd like to think that I am truly split down the middle on this one, working 3.5 days and home 3.5 days per week. I give mad props to SAHMs out there and if anything, my new part time career woman/part time mommy gig has really broadened my view on both sides of the coin. Neither camp has it harder than the other. Neither has it easier. But they are just different with their own sets of challenges, mommy-guilt, and rewards.

For instance: on my days off with Truman I am in LOVE with the fact that we do not have to answer to the clock. We don't have to rush through our morning to hurry out the door to make it to daycare/work on time. But on those days I have to be totally on top of my game to keep little man entertained and out of trouble. Gone are the days when I could plop him on the activity mat and let him bat around a shiny object for an hour. Yes, it definitely gets harder as time goes on.

In case I haven't put this sentence in enough twinkling lights lately, 'NATE GRADUATES NEXT MONTH!!' and I simply cannot believe our time has come to have two salaries. Of course, part of me likes to toy with the idea of saying, 'Okay, honey. Your turn to work and now I'd like to stay at home, okay?' But in reality, we have financial goals for our family that include buying a home, having more babies, continuing to save for emergencies and for the future, and possibly get a new car someday. I just can't see us reaching all of those goals on one salary and so I'm basically committed to continuing my three day work week. I think Nate wants to get that in blood but he'll have to settle for my word at this point. We are really going to crunch some numbers this summer once the two paychecks are rolling in to get a feel for what we can and cannot afford. But I've already decided to embrace my part time working mom role as long as our family needs it. Truman loves Lori's daycare, it's so good for him to get the social interaction, I enjoy my job outside of the home, and extra money never hurts. I've come a long way since my maternity leave mindset of 'I cannot handle leaving my baby with strangers' and I'm proud of this evolution.

And by the way: daycare workers don't have to be perceived as 'strangers.' Once you put some effort towards getting to know them, and if you have the right daycare provider, they will start to seem like a part of the parenting team and not at all like outsiders. The term 'strangers' in regards to daycare really bugs me in case you couldn't tell. I think daycare workers have the toughest job of all---and it's quite possible that no matter how good they are, they will never live up to a mother's standards for their children. I tell Lori all of the time that she has big shoes to fill because I am definitely one of those moms who wants things done my way and I really believe I know my child better than anyone. As time goes on I see that it's completely healthy for Truman to have another authority figure in his life beside family and I am grateful for our daycare situation, for sure. Enough rambling about daycare....pretty important subject around here I guess!

I'll end this tangent with some new pictures of my growing boy. I seriously think he looks like he's 16 years old in this baseball hat and summer outfit. Sigh.







Oh, and then there's this new fave---my new computer desktop:


Hopefully there are some working moms out there who find comfort in the idea that you really can feel balanced in your life roles. It definitely helps to drop to part time, though, if that is an option for you. :)