My nightmares are made of bottles and tears

Dramatic title, no? Also, aren't you shocked that I have a new post on this blog that isn't just a weekly update on my daughter? I mean, it's not like this is a 'real' post because it's still 100% about my daughter and holds true to my theme around here of only posting semi-boring stuff about my kids. But whatevs---pretty sure my blog has been of this theme for a few years now anyway.

So let's discuss how much I HATE bottle feeding, shall we? I am literally so frustrated, and so stressed out about this that I have no other option but to blog about it in hopes that it will make me feel better and less on the verge of a major mental breakdown.

Observe these losers, the failures in my life that are seriously staring at me in my nightmares these days. They say, 'Your child will never drink from us and you are destined for many-a-sob-fests in your future.' :



I've been whining about how Cecelia won't take a bottle for 4 weeks now and now this topic deserves it's own blog post because bottle refusals are literally taking over my mind, my life, and my freaking maternity leave. Which is SO not okay in my book.

I've already gotten a ton of amazing suggestions from my blog readers and I'm not discounting them in the slightest. It's just that I've tried them all (I think) and nothing is working. Basically I just want someone to offer me the magic fix that works right away and we can move on from this phase. Better yet, I want someone to come over here and give my girl a big fat bottle that involves no crying ever again, and then she just takes a bottle from that point on without a hitch. Anyone? Magic fix??

Let me explain what has been going on lately. Cecelia has been refusing every last DROP from a bottle up in here since we started offering them at 3 weeks. She did actually take one ounce from my mom over the July 4th week, but nothing since. Then Lori, our daycare provider, offered to try her turn at the madness since she is going to be the one giving CC all of the bottles at daycare when I return to work. Which, in case you were wondering, is only a month away now. Lori has 31 years of experience with babies, running her in-home daycare for as long as I've been alive. I figured it was worth a shot and then proceeded to become a ball of nerves as last Friday approached.

Truman and I took Cecelia to Lori's that morning around 8:30. I came armed with all five of the small bottles we own, one filled with 3 ounces of my breast milk, and about 6 types of pacifiers on the side just for fun, in case CC actually decided to suck on one of those babies, too. Tru and I ran errands near Lori's house and then got the call from her around 10:00. As I picked up her call I was holding my breath and straining my ears for tiny baby wails in the background---but, alas, it was silent except for Lori saying, 'Well, I got some of it down her but she gave me one heck of a fight.'

I was elated and could breathe again, thinking that this must be a great sign! She took 1.5 ounces out of the 3 in the bottle which is a total success in my book. But Lori really stressed that it was a *struggle* to get that down and she was worried that unless Cecelia starts to take bottles at home, she might become a baby that downright refuses them all together. Gulp.

So today, on Sunday, Nate and I knew we had to try again even though we've been trying almost daily for weeks now. We had taken the kids for a run in the double BOB and then went to the playground where Truman was having a blast, and where Cecelia woke up from her BOB nap a little hungry. Nate suggested that he run home with her and I could stay with Truman while he tried a bottle with our girl. I immediately started to sweat but knew he had to try again. Would you like to guess how it turned out?

After one full hour of Nate offering the bottle while I was completely out of our house, Cecelia only took 0.5 ounces. Which is basically the amount that probably dripped out of her mouth in the process of screaming her freaking head off for a full hour. She never even latched on, as per Nate, and would just push the nipple out with her tongue. He tried giving it to her sitting, standing, in the swing, on the floor, talking to her, being quiet, etc etc etc. And it didn't work. By the time Truman and I got home, she wasn't actually crying but apparently that was a fluke and she started back up within a few minutes. Epic failure, yet again. And the worst part? When I went to her, she was so stressed out from this horrendous bottle episode that her little eyes were red and puffy and I immediately started to cry upon seeing her raised eyebrows lifted as if to say, 'Why are you doing this to me?' And then CC wanted to nurse literally all afternoon and didn't want me to put her down. And I admit, I sort of didn't want to, either. We were both a little stressed.

I just can't help it. I'm a softy. I mean, I'm a mom and I know we ALL have maternal instincts that make the sound of our babies' crying equal to a million fingernails down chalkboards. When Cecelia cries for even just one minute, my heart starts thumping and my upper lip sweats and all I can think is, 'What can I do to fix this?' Obviously, as her mom, hearing her cry gives me a physiological response that I can't ignore. I makes me feel ill to see her upset and I have often wondered how mother's with colicky babies survive. I know I would require heavy medication and an exorbitant amount of wine.

Nate can handle her crying a whole lot better than me, since he is a dad and doesn't have that same mom gene that makes me totally lose my stuff if I can't soothe my children within 5 minutes max. But you know what? It really freaking sucks that he has to be the one to offer the bottles at home. It's already harder for him to bond with CC in this tough newborn stage, when there just isn't a ton that he can do for her when all she wants to do is nurse. I really do worry that he won't love her that much until she becomes a little more fun, and I worry that Nate thinks CC hates him at this point, too. Of course, he tells me I'm ridiculous and he loves our daughter dearly but I know it has to be hard for him, too.

So what have we tried so far?

Well, I bought a nipple shield after a friend suggested trying to nurse while wearing one, in hopes that it would get Cecelia to suck from a silicone nipple that is directly over the top of my own real one. Nope. She won't nurse from it at all, so that was $10 wasted.

I bought the Nuk brand bottle with an orthodontic nipple, which is actually the one Lori used on Friday. But today's hour long scream-fest was because she wouldn't take the Nuk brand anymore.

(boo. hiss)


I bought the Playtex drop-in bottle with a latex nipple after commenters suggested it. No luck with that baby, either.

We also have Dr. Browns, Tommee Tippee, and Avent bottles. All failed.

(sort of pretty but SO annoying to look at right now!)


And honestly, you guys? I don't even think it's a bottle issue. Although I really WANT to believe that if we just find the right bottle everything will be okay, in my heart I know it's not about a specific brand being our savior. Lady has to actually latch onto a bottle first, you know?

People have suggested the Breastflow bottles, Born Free bottles, the Medela bottles, Similac bottles, Mimijumi bottles, and I'm sure about 10 more brands that I just don't have the heart to buy right now. I promised Nate I wouldn't spend a fortune on this because we both think she just doesn't want a bottle period. But of course, if any of my lovely readers want to send me their gently used 'life saver' bottles to try with my little diva, I'd totally try them out with gusto! :)

We've tried feeding her when she should be really hungry, but I will admit we haven't pushed it past the 3 hour mark just because if she IS that hungry, she totally loses her mind and won't even play with the bottle before refusing it. We've tried in the morning, in the afternoon, and at night. I've been home and I've been away. Multiple people have tried, both simulating the actual breastfeeding experience and also trying to be really different from nursing for positioning and location. What are we missing, people?

So many of you have given your support and encouragement, stating that your children also refused a bottle until RIGHT before your maternity leave ended. Or a lot of you have said that your babies refused bottles all together at home but once daycare started they just 'figured it out'. I really hope that is what happens for Cecelia, but of course right now it feels like she will be the first baby to ever starve herself in defiance.

(wasting so much pumped milk with failed attempts---have to keep track of when it will go bad in the fridge. Sort of sad to think I need to constantly dump out spoiled breast milk)


One person in my life (who shall remain unnamed because I think this might be an idea that most people hate) suggested something that I just cannot do. She wants me to pump and ONLY offer bottles without any nursing at all so that Cecelia 'learns' to take a bottle. Um, seriously? I would rather gouge my eyes out with spoons. Sister screamed for Nate for one hour today and I honestly believe she would cry for me even longer than that. And for what? A half of an ounce of milk? I'm just not tough enough to do this technique and I refuse to make my maternity leave a miserable concoction of my tears and her tears and the stress hormone. I can't do it, sorry.

Also? My baby is only 8 weeks old. Why would I voluntarily make her cry when she is still so little and helpless? I realize that parenting has a lot of hard parts that require you to do things you just don't want to do. For instance, I really hate disciplining Truman. It sucks to be the bad guy and to make him cry at times. But discipline is just too important and it's one of those things you HAVE to do for the better of your child. If I didn't put my foot down with him he'd become a spoiled brat who has no friends as a big fat misbehaved bully.  (Although if you know my son, that idea is pretty much laughable because he's actually REALLY well-behaved. And I can't even take credit for that because it's just his personality). But breaking the will of my 8 week old daughter, 'teaching' her who is boss around her by forcing a bottle? No thanks. Life is too short and my maternity leave is too precious. And we have a great nursing relationship that I don't care to toss aside because I have many months ahead of me to pump.

I just hope my decision to ignore this suggestion doesn't come back to bite me in the butt when I return to work. I know Cecelia is going to cry because of the bottle then but I'm just not sold on the idea that if I make her cry now it will save tears later.

In the back of my head I know that my job is flexible enough, that I could potentially schedule my patients with gaps in the day to allow for trips back to Lori's to nurse. But I really don't want to open up that can of worms, either. Truman would probably be really confused to see me coming and going a few times during the day, and it would make my work day a whole lot more stressful, too.

If I had to predict what will happen, it would be one of two things: 1. With four more weeks of maturity and practice, she magically 'gets it' right before I return to work. I mean, babies change all the time and maybe she just needs to grow up a bit. Or 2. She puts up a huge fight and gives Lori a run for her money at first, but she does take just a few ounces from her each day. Which will of course lead to me nursing Cecelia all evening, all night, and most likely non-stop on my days off to compensate for those daycare days. I'm really lucky to work just three days per week, since I'll still have four days at home with my girl. But man, I don't really want to spend every minute we are together as a human pacifier, either.

Okay, and here's the paragraph when I say that I know things could be FAR worse. This is a total first-world problem and I realize I'm blessed to have such a great nursing relationship with Cecelia. It's so great, in fact, that chica only wants the tats and no fakeys will do. :) I know this will all work out at some point and she won't actually die of starvation. But it still sucks right now.

Bottom line is this: my daughter is turning out to be incredibly different than her laid back big brother. I should have known we'd be in for it with this little spitfire when she immediately caused drama during the beginning weeks of my pregnancy. Sigh. I love her so much but why won't she listen to me?!?! I'm sure I will repeat this question about a million more times in my life, huh?

Any magical fixes out there? Reassurance? Does anyone know of a baby that starved herself to death at daycare?

So ends this post full of bottle ramblings and I really do feel a whole lot better now. Must remember to blog about things in the future. :)