milk drama

Sigh. I don't even feel like typing about this because I've ridden the emotional roller coaster with nursing this week. And I'm exhausted from all of the over-analyzation in my brain. But I still want to blog about it so that I don't forget this little blip in the journey of breastfeeding Cecelia--at least, I hope it's just a blip. Maybe it's the end of the road. Cue the anxiety because I'M NOT READY TO BE DONE YET!

Let me just say here before I go on: I realize this is not the end of the world. The bottom line is that I've nursed Cecelia for almost 10 months without supplementing. I am proud of that and I'm grateful and appreciative of this gift. If we are ending this nursing relationship then obviously I will live and it will all turn out fine no matter what. But humor me here and let me tweak out about this for a second, okay?

Remember how I mentioned that I had mastitis last week? I felt 100% better after two days but apparently there are some lingering effects sticking around. On my pumping days this week, I took a major hit to my breastfeeding pride and watched as those bottles collected HALF of what they normally catch for me. Maybe even less than half. One of the days I only got six ounces total from all three pumping sessions. WTF?! Any mom who's ever pumped knows how the numbers game can be brutal if you are on the wrong side of the ratio---when baby eats more than you pump, it can make you feel like you literally aren't giving enough. You're falling short. And (at least for me) panic ensues. Pumping just six ounces in three sessions is shocking for me, not because I have a hefty oversupply normally---but because I've been matching Cecelia's bottles for the past few months. Even if I'm not stocking up more frozen milk at least I was breaking even. I mean, really? Six ounces? I used to get that or more with just one session, and was getting 12-14 total each day before this. Gulp.

So my supply took a major dip and luckily I have about 150 oz of frozen breast milk to use. But if I start plowing through my frozen stash, giving bottles instead of nursing, I feel like I'm basically throwing in the towel for breastfeeding. My supply is already dwindling and if I offer bottles instead of trying to put her to the breast, aren't I just asking for trouble?

We stopped giving CC a bottle in the middle of the night because I wanted to nurse instead, just to keep my supply up and help out with the clogged duct that started this whole thing. One night while nursing her at 3 am I started to go over all of my options. Because I am flying to St. Louis with Cecelia in three weeks and I will not have access to my freezer stash. Which means if we are using mostly bottles at that point, I'm going to have to get a little creative.

I thought about shipping some of my frozen bags to Missouri with dry ice. I thought about packing as many as I could in a small cooler with me, taking it on the plane. I could bring fresh milk that I pump the week prior, since fresh stuff stays longer than frozen. But if I'm pumping a measly 6 oz per day then that's out. I could buy formula for that week and give it to her when we are St. Louis. But I'm not even sure she would take the formula since she'd finicky and hasn't ever had it before. I could use whole milk for our time away and hope that she takes it.

Or I could just pray that she continues to nurse like nothing is wrong so that we can nurse while in St. Louis and forget about the dumb bottle all together. I mean, there is nothing wrong with adding in a bit of whole milk to my frozen supply in bottles for daycare and before bed. I'll have to do that soon anyway. But this trip is really making me analyze my options to no end.

Cecelia has actually been nursing really well all week--as if she has no clue that the pump is making me question my supply. She has plenty of wet diapers, is relatively happy, and doesn't seem to be extra hungry. On Thursday I tried an experiment like I did with Truman, when I was worried about my supply with him around nine months. After each nursing session I offered a bottle to see if she was still hungry or not. Well, I planned to offer one each time but a few of those nursing sessions resulted in an immediate nap. One time she took 1 more ounce from the bottle and the other time (before bed) she drank 2 ounces but then very obviously wanted to nurse (ie grabbing at my shirt with authority). So I can't really say she isn't getting enough from me. But isn't that the tough part about breastfeeding? You never really know how much milk they are getting. I never worried about it before but I'm worrying about it now.

I bought Fenugreek yesterday (yay for smelling like maple syrup!) and I am trying to convince myself to keep pumping, even on the days I'm at home. I know I need to keep plugging away at my supply right now but I'm just.so.tired of the freaking pump. I'm drinking plenty of water and plan to make another awesome batch of steel cut oats. I'll do everything that I can to keep her breastfeeding because I'm really stubborn like that.

A lot of friends on IG have assured me that they, too, had a drop in supply and they were able to make a comeback. I certainly hope I will be able to claim that, too.

Two more months. Just two more months until she is one and then I'm done pumping no matter what, hopefully still nursing even beyond that but we'll try to take it one day at a time. One bag of frozen breast milk at a time.

Please last me awhile, freezer stash. Please keep nursing, Cecelia. Please stop messing with my head, pump.

Dramatic, I know. Hopefully that's just me being my dramatic self and not end-of-nursing hormones talking.