Dear Porter

7.28.14

I'm leaking milk onto my clothes, which don't fit quite right. Laundry seems to have exploded more than ever before and I'm scrubbing various stains out of many of my ill-fitting outfits more than I remember before. Sometimes, if it's been a few hours since I've nursed you, just thinking about your little face will make me let down. These boobs are not my own right now but I know they are your source of growth and nourishment, so I'll do my best to own them.

Each night when the sun sets, I feel a bit of panic hit me right behind my tired eyes. What if you never fall asleep? What if you wake up and stay awake for hours on end? Why does everything seem worse when it's dark outside? 

But part of me cherishes those middle-of-the-night nursing sessions. You and I awake together while the other three of them sleep soundly. You and I nursing, changing your diaper, rocking, burping....the newborn nighttime routine that I've done so many times before, but each night is different. I'll sleepily type a few notes on my phone about what time it is, and how many hours you just slept so that these nights aren't one giant blur. The nights have been going well so far in your two weeks of life even though they are certainly different and more tiring than with you on the inside.

During those quiet nursing sessions, I'll kiss your forehead a million times, drink in your scent, listen to your own unique grunts and sighs and baby sounds that will surely change over the weeks progress. Feeling you cuddle into me as you eat, the weight of you in my arms, the routine of it all...they are some of the sweetest moments I've known. 

I can see why moms never want to stop having babies. I can tell that it's going to be hard to admit to myself that you are my last newborn, so I choose to ignore the finality of that concept and embrace my sweet Porter right now. You are our third baby but I can assure you that bringing you into our family was every bit as special as the first and second times around. In fact, there might be something even sweeter with you, Porter. Maybe it's because of the added perspective you bring. Maybe it's because I feel more laid back and able to soak it all in as the hard stuff fades away a little more easily. Maybe it's because you seem to be very chill and content. But I can honestly say I'm enjoying your first few weeks more than I thought I would, and more than I was able to do with your siblings. 

I know time is a tricky thing for us moms. It goes unbearably fast and yet sometimes we want time to speed up even more, while we look to the fun milestones ahead. But right now, at seventeen days old, you are awesome. You can't do a whole lot just yet but I'm fine with the sleeping, nursing, pooping, and occasional fussing. Because oh, that newborn helplessness gets me every time. What a life, little dude. What a precious little life you have.

Just wanted to write you a few words as I have the chance. You're the best.

Mommy