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Milk Matters

Oh, the roller coaster of breastfeeding Porter. It's 'our thing' at the moment and it's occupying 90% of my (extremely low functioning) brain. Bear with me.

I miss the days of nursing both Truman and Cecelia when we rode smoothly along the path without too many speed bumps along the way. I mean, Truman was just a fatty who loved the boob for a year. He nursed for comfort and it was my tool that ALWAYS worked to soothe a (rarely) fussy boy. Super awesome intro to being a breastfeeding mama, when it worked and was peaceful and relaxing and totally amazing.

Cecelia's biggest obstacle with nursing was that the girl loved it so much, she flat out refused the bottle with such intensity that I should have known she'd always be our spit fire. She nursed for sixteen months and then *I* made the decision to wean her. Again: a positive experience that was great for bonding and left me feeling confident and excited for one more go-round.

But Porter boy? He may be a happy, chill little dude but holy smokes. He is totally his own person and is really driving home his point that, 'Hey guys! I'm different than my siblings! So watch out and don't assume things will be as easy as they were with them for our breastfeeding relationship.'

Because right now it's anything but easy. It's stressful, with none of those happy, positive, blissful emotions that came along with nursing my other babies. It's hard this time, guys. He obviously wants the bottle over the boob and I'm too stubborn to throw in the towel all together just yet, although I know he would be more than happy to be done nursing.

No, really. He really doesn't want to nurse for more than 5 minutes at a time. And even then it's a session full of grunts and whines and nearly yanking my nipple off of my boob. He chills out when the first let down comes but when the flow slows back down? Done-zo. Nope. He's over it and now he has begun to cry after these snack sessions, which really bothers me. It makes me want to cry, too, little dude.

(I made Truman take this picture the other day, realizing that our days nursing may be numbered)
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I'm rational enough to know that a compromise had to be made: he wants bottles, I want to nurse, so we are doing a little bit of both.

When we are at home, I will nurse my baby boy and pray that somehow he stays latched and is content for more than a few minutes. It rarely happens, unless he manages to fall asleep and then he will sort of nurse until he just falls off the boob. If he is angry after a nursing session, I try to distract him. If that doesn't work, I heat up a bottle of breast milk and watch him gulp it down in record time. I really do love seeing him content and happy and fed but I admit it's hard to watch him love those freaking bottles so much.

Once I give a bottle that means I need to pump. Sometimes this is feasible and other times, with three children needing the HELL out of me, it's just not. Because Porter is my third baby, this major speed bump (dead end?) in our nursing relationship means that I just do not have unlimited time to devote to pumping. Perhaps if he was my first baby, if I wasn't totally shattered by having such a difficult nurser, I could pump and do skin-to-skin and just focus on this issue without as many distractions. I don't know, but reality with three children says that making huge changes in our daily 'routine' is just not happening. I love you, Porter, but I just cannot find the time and energy to force you to nurse.

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Remember how his poops were constantly watery and green? Now that he's been getting bottles from me and Lori they are beautifully golden. Meaning when he nurses he is getting only fore milk and therefore poops the color of spinach, but when he takes breast milk bottles he drinks the hind milk in there, too. So at least I can stop worrying that something is majorly wrong with him internally. He just isn't nursing enough to get the fatty stuff. Hmpf.

This is his second week of daycare and he's been rocking Lori's face off. Nearly every time I've picked him up, he's been cooing and smiling at her, and she just loves my boy so much. He probably loves her, too, because she gives him his drug of choice: a bottle full of milk. Actually, a LOT of milk. Like, more milk during those 8 hours we are apart than either one of the other kids ever DREAMED of consuming. Lori is doing her best to pace him but when he is hysterical for more milk it's definitely difficult to deny the little piggie.

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And so? Another really big moment here, aside from admitting he needs bottles even at home? We bought our first ever formula last weekend and it hit me a lot harder than I could have anticipated. I nearly shed a freaking tear in Target as I was looking at the different options because WHY won't my baby just nurse like he is supposed to?? I am pumping three times per day at work and once at night, plus will pump 2-3 times on my days at home and I am freaking exhausted. I'll keep pumping but I just cannot match his intake at daycare. And I don't want to burn through my entire freezer stash right now, since I want to have that emergency stash for a time when he really will not nurse anymore and if my pumping output drops. I'd like him to have *some* breast milk for as long as possible.

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I don't think this is a supply issue or really any fault of my own, so I promise I'm not beating myself up about it. The milk is there and I'm pumping about 4-5 oz each time which is similar to what I've done in the past. This is a Porter thing. He loves bottles. He doesn't want to be patient for the change in flow at the breast. It's really hard for me to come to terms with all of this, as I'm sure you can tell. Beginning this week, he is getting one formula bottle from Lori and two breast milk bottles: one that I try to freshly pump the day before and one that is from my freezer stash. He has taken two bottles of formula from Lori without batting an eye (of COURSE!) and for now this is working, if you define 'working' as keeping the baby fed and happy.

Porter was never super fussy but he really is more content than ever with a full belly. He looks fatter to me, his poops are normal, and he is happy. So I will work on that happiness outcome on my end, I suppose.

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The bottom line is that my boy needs to be fed. I can only fight for nursing for so long, and I will continue to do so until it just doesn't make sense anymore. Nate assures me that I'm still a great mom even though my baby doesn't want to nurse. I need to let go of the guilt and of the sense of defeat because truly, I'm doing the best that I can. I appreciate all of the comments and ideas of things to try and am still talking to my LC cousin, but I also cannot stress about this any more. It is what it is. And it's kind of a lot right now to nurse, give bottles, pump, and repeat. We'll see how it goes.

Wow, I was going to try and make this post more chipper and sarcastic and upbeat but go figure----I just don't have the energy to make it an upbeat post. It's just reality and I'm laying it all out there, hoping  you don't judge me or think that I'm not trying hard enough to encourage nursing and discourage the bottle. A part of me knows that nobody else could possibly care about this issue of how my baby gets fed as much as I do.

I just love this little stinker so much and want what is best for him. But I also have to go with the flow and breathe. And take lots of selfies with him since he is growing up way too quickly for my liking.

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Thus ends my post about breastfeeding drama, just shy of three months into my third baby. Who could have guessed?

46 comments:

  1. I'm sorry that you are going through this. :( It's sometime a sad reality that when they say every child is different, they freaking mean it! It happened the opposite way around for me this time. #1 had no drive to nurse and twins #2 & 3 are little eating/nursing monsters. Of course it's never without it's issues - I have such an oversupply that they can't possibly drink enough to get hind milk. So I'm pumping. And really, it is so exhausting and time consuming. You do what you can do! I'm glad to hear that you aren't beating yourself up. He's obviously doing fabulously regardless!

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    1. Thanks, girl. And big fist bumps to you for nursing twins!!! Amazing.

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  2. Oops, I didn't realize my husband hadn't signed out of his gmail acct. Whoops! He didn't just give you bf'ing advice. That was me! LOL

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  3. I read all of your posts but I don't comment often. I'm sure a million other people will say this as well. "you love him so much and want to do what's best." A full happy baby however you get there is what's best. I had to use formula with my LO in the beginning because of all sorts of unexpected delivery complications and a trip to the NICU. It broke my heart but she flourished and was out of the NICU in a week. If little P man likes the bottle better so be it. You've got a great pump response (I could only ever get 2oz if I was lucky!) so IF you have time to pump and work and raise 3 kids he'll get lots of BM and some formula and he'll be just as awesome as he was meant to be. And if he ends up on more foruma than BM he'll still be just as awesome as he was meant to be. BUT it's ok to grieve over this loss of a special relationship too. I guess what I should really say is thank you for sharing so honestly about this. People always say as long as the baby is happy and healthy in the end that's what matters.... that's true to a point but the journey to get there matters too. So it's ok if you need time to grieve. Just wanting to send you lots of good momma support vibes!

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    1. Thank you, Jenny. You are totally right--the journey DOES matter and I think I need to just embrace this sadness over it not working so I can move on. Very good insight.

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  4. Oh, Julia. You're doing amazing. It seems like no matter what the age and what the issue (breastfeeding, motor skills, picking a school/daycare, sports, teenage stuff, college, life beyond college), we ALWAYS wonder if we're doing the right thing for our kids. Especially when our kids choose to go a way we would never expect. Or want of them, necessarily. (And our kids are not even 5 years old. I can't imagine what's to come!)

    I'm proud of you for trying everything. And for finding what is right for you and Porter together. All you can do is your best. And you are.

    And he's such a stinkin' cutie pie. My gosh. :)

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    1. Thanks lady. This is surely going to be the first of MANY worries/challenges with Porter, I'm sure. Your words are seriously appreciated, thank you.

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  5. Lots of hugs for you!! <3 Breastfeeding is such an emotional thing, and I know how you feel. My daughter abruptly weaned herself one day, and wanted nothing to do with nursing anymore. Hang in there! I know you're doing the best you can!

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  6. My heart breaks for you a little. What a struggle. But ultimately, you are doing all the right things. I think it may be even harder to move towards formula as this is possibly your last baby. Thinking I may never breastfeed a baby again, would make me cry and my boobs hurt! Big big big hugs!!! You're following your instincts, trying your best, your baby is happy, healthy and thriving. You're doing your best for you and your family and ultimately you have to feel good about that. Things never go exactly as planned, we adapt. Good for you! Try your very best to roll with it and let the guilt and shame go.

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    1. I definitely think that the 'probably the last baby' part of it is making this even MORE emotional for me! I feel like I'm being gipped from my happy FINAL experience with nursing. But yet, I did have two really awesome experiences before this and feel grateful for that. Thank you for your kind words!

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  7. Oh man, I totally feel your pain. When nursing is hard and you WANT to keep at it, it just sucks. There really is nothing else to be said, it sucks. You truly are doing an awesome job by continuing, I admire you for that. But, I know the feeling well when you just want your baby to nurse like *normal* and not have to worry about anything else. I have longed for that with both of my kids and will likely with this one as well.

    One tidbit that might help? Jake was a very content baby and I didn't realize until 4 months that he wasn't really getting enough from me. We were supplementing slightly (because I knew I needed to), but he was just so darn content that I didn't give anymore than a couple ounces a day. When we went to the ped and his weight was in the 5th percentile, we knew the supplement had to increase. For a few weeks, he took a record amount of milk, more than I could fathom he could drink and way more than I knew he *needed.* But, then he slowed down. I think he was making up the lost weight and once he got there, he settled back into normal. So maybe Porter is doing the same? You said he dropped percentiles, so maybe he's just bulking up and will settle down again. Hopefully this advice doesn't make you sad, I can just so clearly remember the feelings I had nursing both of my kids and can sense it in your voice as well. Good luck, Porter is one lucky kiddo that you are doing so much!

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    1. Totally agree that maybe Porter is just tanking up after dropping in percentiles---very good call, Jodi. I hadn't thought of that before. Thanks, girl!

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  8. I was in such a similar situation with my daughter a few years ago...our issue was more about a raging case of thrush that took me 2 months to get rid of, but I had to juggle pumping, trying to throw in nursing sessions so she wouldn't "forget" all while keeping my sanity (I can't imagine doing it with 3 kids). In the end, we came up with a schedule that worked for us once the thrush went away. But it took me a long time to be ok with giving her formula. I knew she'd be fine, it wasn't the devil, but other people can have so many opinions and I just felt so guilty. But we both were SO much happier once I accepted it. And she's now a healthy, happy almost 2 year old and I don't regret my decision one bit. We are expecting number two in November and I hope that breastfeeding goes better this time around, but I also know that if it doesn't, it's ok and I need to just enjoy my baby rather than shedding way too many tears over something he won't ever remember. Hang in there momma!

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    1. You're totally right--letting go a little bit and embracing the formula will absolutely make me more sane and happy. I'll get there, I'm sure. And I can't imagine having thrush for 2 months---seems like a nightmare. It's always something, I guess!

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  9. Just want to say, IT'S OKAY!!! The same thing happened to me and it sucks... but it's okay!! :)

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  10. You cannot beat yourself up...or feel guilty. Guilt is a useless emotion and you don't deserve it. Having said that...I'm a broken record, but have you tried a preemie nipple or another brand of bottle (one newborn nipple can flow up to 12 times faster than another)? I know that he may not like it at first, but you have a shot if you can find a bottle that more closely resembles your slower flow. Maybe you have, and I'm sure you're sick of getting advice, general. Lord knows you'd obviously go to the moon and back for your children and do anything you could to keep breastfeeding. I can only imagine your emotions and I'm sorry for your struggle. Whatever happens, I hope you can be at peace with everything. You've obviously fought hard to make things work.

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    1. Thanks, Lisa---I have tried a few different bottles all with level 1 nipples but not 'premies'. I will have to look into which ones of our bottles actually come in premie nipples---since we DO have quite the collection from the Cecelia-Refuses-Everything days. Good idea.

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  11. I don't think that you are being ridiculous at all. BFing is important to you and you are working really hard to keep that going. I hope that you guys are able to get past this BFing hurdle and head to a smoother experience but I know you are going to do the right thing for him no matter what. I will admit that in the past I always assumed that if a mom stopped nursing early (before a year) it was because she had decided she just didn't want to continue and I never understood that. This has totally turned my perspective around because it is so apparent how much work and effort you have put into this. Thanks for sharing your story even when it hasn't been a story that you wold choose to tell.

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    1. Thank you for that admission, Laura. I'm really happy that my issues may be a reality check about WHY BFing sometimes doesn't work. Definitely not for lack of trying! I'm glad to share my story;)

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  12. Sending hugs!!! It's ironic how different babies can be on this. I quit the madness I was doing (breastfeeding, offering bottle, then pumping with every.single.session) at 8 weeks with my first. It wasn't working and I was stressed to the max. We went to formula (even though I was totally freaking out about it!) and, you know what? She was fine. We were happy and more relaxed. With #2, she's been a good nurser from the start and we're still going at almost 7 months...minus a few bumps with not pumping enough for what she eats during the day at daycare (24oz!!!) which caused some stress. I don't know how long I'll make it (I also have to travel for work making the pumping situation that much more difficult), but I'm hanging on as it's killing me to think about giving her formula...even though my older daughter is perfectly happy and healthy and had formula. Crazy crazy mommy guilt! So illogical sometimes. Anyway, all that to say you are not alone. We are all harder on ourselves than we are for others. You're doing the best you can and a happy, healthy, and full baby is the best possible outcome.

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    1. This is seriously so helpful, Tiffany. Porter ate 21 oz at daycare yesterday (not even 3 months old!!) and COME ON, there is just no way to keep up without constantly being connected to the darn pump. Keep doing what you are doing but also give yourself some grace if/when you really do consider formula. It's very freeing to decide that IT WILL BE FINE. Thank you!

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  13. You're doing great, mama! You are feeding your baby and that's all that matters. Obviously I'm not one to say anything bad about formula since I had to supplement a few months with Eli and Gabby and then do bottles full time for about 4 months and they are perfectly fine. But I do get the emotional toll it can take on you as the mama though so I will completely validate your feelings there. Just remember that breastfeeding or not, you are always his mama and no one or no thing can fill those shoes!

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    1. Thanks mama. I have been thinking of you lately, remembering a few emotional phone calls when nursing Gabby was so.stinking.hard. Not fun but everyone survived---and we will, too!

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  14. Oh man, Julia. I'm sorry you are struggling with this. No way do I think you've not tried hard enough and I hope no one makes you feel that way!! Nate is right - you are an awesome mama. <3

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    1. Girl, you just birthed a baby...like HOURS ago! Thank you for taking the time to comment here!! ;)

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  15. I so get this. This was my first baby. I empathize fully with you mama.

    I shared this on your IG but that FB group is Kellymom Breastfeeding Support Group - it's amazing. A life saver for me for DD2. If anything it's just another beautiful, private, support system based on KM's evidence based research. I have had nothing but positive interactions there:-)

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    1. Thanks, Erika! I have been thinking about the KM group you mentioned. Not sure why I'm hesitating, maybe because I just don't want to feel pressure or guilty to really push this. But I do want it to work of course, I just need to figure out how far I'm willing to go to exhaust every single option. Let me think about it some more--I have been messaging my cousin who is an LC and may make an appointment to see one in person, too. But a FB group could also be valuable.

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  16. You are doing great - try not to be so hard on yourself (easier said than done, I know). And you do not need to explain yourself to anyone. It doesn't matter what anyone else in the world says or thinks, he is YOUR child and you are HIS mother. You do what you need to do for the two of you :)
    On a side note, is your shirt in that last picture from Athleta?! I ordered it about a month ago and love it…buuuut now probably won't be able to wear it until next year, ha! Although, I suppose it could work as a maternity shirt too, maybe. It's super stretching and comfortable!

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    1. Thank you, mama!! And yep, that's the Athleta top. I loooove it. Just sort of annoyed that this fairly pricey shirt has a few snags in the material after I picked Porter up in his velcro swaddle blanket. Uggggghhhh, apparently it's not the most 'baby friendly' shirt. But whatever, still love it. I am sure it would be cute with a baby bump!! Give it a try. I love how long it is (my biggest achievement in any shirt is finding one long enough for my torso!)

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  17. Awww... that sucks! Hang in there Mama, you're doing a great job!

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  18. Has he been evaluated by a specialist for a lip or tongue tie? I know even a slight one can make a huge difference in breastfeeding!

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    1. No, but I might make an appointment with the LC at the Ped office. I looked around online and may try to actually peek in his mouth a little better myself . This is an excellent idea.

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    2. Not sure if I told you this, but nephew James just got his lip tie corrected and it's made a huge difference with his nursing. Definitely check it out if nothing else!

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  19. Nothing can bring on the emotional roller coaster of new (for the 3rd time) motherhood like breastfeeding woes! I was there in July. We actually discovered Peter had a tongue tie at 4 months. I only mention this because I was absolutely annoyed with everyone that suggested this going all, "Um, this is my 3rd kid, I would know if he was tongue tied". Took him to a lactation consultant who checked him for a tongue tie and sure enough. It was a very simple procedure, and he's nursing and gaining like a champ since. Just something to consider, but you are absolutely right - you've got this no matter what!

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    1. So interesting---I'm totally making an appt with an LC to assess him. Why not? Worth a shot.

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  20. Just wanted to thank you for sharing. I'm sure your openness will be appreciated by many a struggling mama for years and years to come. Also wanted to say kudos to you for having enough wits about you during such an emotional time to still think of what is best for Porter and the rest of your family as you go thru this struggle. You're a great mom Julia. :)

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    1. Thank you!! I hope my honesty does help someone else out there not feel so alone or like a 'failure'. It's just an emotional subject! Hormones don't help either, I'm sure.

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  21. Thanks for sharing! I planned to breast feed at least 6, preferably 12, months with my babe. Imagine my disappointment when it lasted less than 3. I just could. Not. Produce. Never got more than 2oz at once, and that was a freakishly lucky day. Ended up supplementing w/formula by like 4 wks or so? Really disappointing. But, my girl was happy and growing which was all that mattered. Still hard to have your plans changed on you though! Good luck, mama. You're doing great!

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  22. Fed is best. A happy mom is best. A happy baby is best. A happy family is best. How your baby is fed will not affect how good of a mom you are. You are rocking it out with 3 kids and you care so much about them. No judgement here.

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  23. I have been reading your blog since you were pregnant with Truman and over the years, I have admired your breastfeeding journey.I understand how you feel as I have had to supplement my two children for various reasons. Just like Porter, my 8 months old decided one day she didn't want to nurse anymore!

    Now, I pump exlusively and supplement as required. This is physically and mentally exhausting but after months and months of sadness and anxiety, I am finally convinced that formula is not poison. It is a gift made available to mamas who cannot / do not want to nurse. The only thing that matters is that our little ones are healthy.

    Your husband is right - you are an amazing mom and your little Porter will be just fine :)

    Thank you for sharing your story. I know there are a lot of women struggling with breastfeeding but it is always nice to realize you are not alone.

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  24. Just a hug for you. I had to stop nursing at 3 months due to low supply and my baby not gaining weight. The guilt is so overpowering and no matter how much your brain knows it doesn't matter, you heart can't seem to get on board. Good luck!

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  25. I'm sure all the other comments are saying the same but you are doing an amazing job!!! I mean you really are trying EVERYTHING to keep little Porter happy.

    I know the emotional struggle you are going through. With my 4 kids each nursing experience was SO different, with my 3rd one being a really bad one unfortunately. We met with the LC's, went to Children's to meet with the even bigger experts, got her tongue clipped, etc. I was sad and heartbroken and quit after a year. I couldn't do it any longer. Knowing that I could feed my first 2 ones just fine (well, sort of. we also had our bumps there) made me feel like I'm failing my 3rd one. I was sad that this was supposedly the last time I nursed a baby and had a hard time accepting that this is how my nursing journey would end. (Well, God had other plans as we know ,-)).

    You are an amazing mom and it is so obvious how you always want the best for your kids!!!!!


    Well, then came Jacob luckily ;-) and he made things better again ;-)

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  26. You are doing such a great job. There is no doubt that you are doing whatever you can to make it work. Pumping is so hard! I pumped for 6 months (every feed) when my son decided he hated breastfeeding... He was my first so it was easier to do the pump/ feed baby bottle routine. My daughter HATES bottles and doesn't sleep longer than two hours at a time. Both of them have lip ties/ tongue ties but I didn't find out until I felt it was too late to have the revision done. I wish I would have when they were tiny still. My daughter is now 13 months.

    I know how emotional the whole thing is. I never have the right words but I did want to say that I'm always so inspired by you and your honesty.

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