My Life in Transition

22 weeks: spaghetti squashed

2012-01-25T07:00:00.000-06:00

Twenty-two weeks: 1.25.12

Photo thoughts: Um, I totally broke one of my belly pic rules. I let the Wisconsin weather win this week all together and had Nate take the pictures inside. I know, I know, I HATE breaking the 'rules' but man--it's cold outside. And I figured since we do have two 'good light' spots in our house, might as well use one of them this time. Plus, Truman is in a big boy bed as of about 2 days ago and I'm feeling very sentimental about his nursery turned toddler room. What better place than in my favorite room in our house for this weeks shoot, with his new bedding and big bed in the background! Cue the waterworks thinking about us moving from this house where Truman has spent his entire life and I spent a majority of my pregnancy decorating his nursery. It's going to be bittersweet to move, for sure.

Size of baby: a spaghetti squash from BC and a papaya from TB. I wanted to make a spaghetti squash for part of a dinner this week anyway. Score one for a belly pic fruit that can work into the meal planning!

Cravings: Diet soda, big time. I went from indulging once or twice per week to buying myself a twelve pack of Diet Dr. Pepper cans. Not good. This means my biggest vice is having a diet caffeinated soda almost daily now. GASP! But since I'm still not hitting the hard stuff for coffee, maybe I am not creating an addicted baby just yet, right? The diet soda tastes SO good you guys.

Also, last week I had my first extremely ravenous moment. Friday night after work I was starving and exhausted from driving in the snow storm while it was a high of 9 degrees all day. I wanted a pizza so bad I could freaking smell it on my way home. And it HAD to be Papa John's even though I think it's been at least 4 years since we even ordered a PJ's pizza for delivery. I ordered it online after I informed Nate that this is what we would be eating because I was practically eating off my own arm just thinking about it. And then waiting an hour for the 'za to arrive was almost scary because I was SO hungry, dreaming about that darn pizza that I was almost in a stupor. When it arrived, I could have easily housed the entire pizza pie but I let my husband and son have a few morsels instead. Man, that was good.

What I love: The growing belly and this 'honeymoon' stage of pregnancy when I have a ton of energy and don't feel quite like a house just yet.

What I'm looking forward to the most: Decorating a nursery in our new house, picking a name, and just to be pretty obvious---meeting our baby girl in May. It's seeming more and more real each day!

Worries: I have been pretty level-headed lately, if I do say so myself. I did have to use the doppler a few days last week though, mostly because if I go a few hours without feeling baby girl kick me I get nervous. I still say that doppler was the best purchase ever---nothing more calming than hearing that galloping heart rate.

What is different this time around: Last time at 22 weeks we had officially decided on a name, I had decided that my tiny belly had 'popped', and I wasn't sleeping the best after getting up to pee in the middle of the night. Well, this time we have officially come up with a top four for names, my belly popped months ago, and I am sleeping just fine. Not even getting up to pee in the middle of the night---usually just at 5 am or whenever Truman wakes for the day. Hmmm, very different this time around I guess. Maybe I need to be drinking more water.

Symptoms: That same night I was ready to pounce on our pizza delivery man, I had my first-ever experience of round ligament pain (I think). It was super sharp, only on my left, and only if I stood up really straight or moved too fast. Pretty horrible to walk around with a hunched back, just to avoid the dagger in my uterus. Did not like that. Also, I am incredibly congested at night now. Whenever I lay down my nose immediately plugs up and I have to breathe in and out through my mouth. Hence, the extreme dry mouth and nastiness that ensues in the morning. Even when I lay down with Truman to read books, I almost feel out of breath because I have to breathe through my mouth. Very odd pregnancy symptoms this week.

Sleep: Really great, actually. Besides the clogged nose and horrid mouth breathing.

Movement: Lots. Love it. I feel like she kicks pretty low 80% of the time which makes me wonder if she is breech right now. Not that it matters this early in the game, but still. I have had some bladder and cervix kicks already which are always a treat.

The belly: Definitely can't suck it in anymore. Belly button looks weird and I think I definitely look pregnant, even to the public eye. Still much larger than my 22 week shot from last time.

Boy or Girl: A healthy baby GIRL!!!!

Milestones: Girlie is 11 inches long and 1 pound. Tiny tooth buds are forming, along with lanugo and the pancreas. Apparently her eyes have formed but the irises are still not pigmented. Sort of creepy when you think about it.

Best moment of the week: a fabulous home inspection on Saturday, which means the house is even closer to being 'ours'. Which means I got to measure out the nursery (and every other room) and get serious about planning a for some fun girlie colors. I have a feeling that in the midst of this home buying process, the move, the decorating/renovating, that the remainder of this pregnancy might go a little too fast for my liking. So I'm trying to savor it and not get too ahead of myself with a big To-Do list. Such a fun time in our lives and I want to enjoy it instead of being stressed about all of the details (ie money matters, mostly).

All Grown Up!

2012-01-21T11:16:00.003-06:00

This morning we took Truman to get his very first haircut. Yes, at nearly 23 months old. He is slightly 'delayed' in hair growth, I guess, but we didn't mind waiting this long to start forking over money for a lifetime of haircuts. Thanks for saving us a little moolah, Truman!

I'm not sure I have adequately displayed how horrible/amazing his baby hair style really was as of late. There have been a few mornings when his incredibly fine, thin, stringy hair was just pitiful and I knew it was time to finally schedule this appointment. Little man sure boasts some fine hair, huh?

Well today we decided to go for the 'first time haircut experience' at a little kids salon. Sure, it is a little pricey and silly but for the first big cut I knew it would be worth it. A fun car-chair, lollipops, your choice of cartoons (Chuggington, duh!), and then we got a little certificate with his picture on it and a little bit of his hair in a baggie. Worth it to this documenting mama!

We talked up this haircut to Truman so he would be excited, and he was. Until she sprayed his hair with water. Then he surprised us and started to cry and say, 'DOWN!' while reaching for me. Uh-oh. Can't handle this face.

So mama had to stand right by his little car and let the big man rest his head on my belly. While double-fisting two suckers. And staring at Chuggington. He ate the entire top of the sucker off the stick, just biting right through it. I think he was a little nervous:)

But then when it was time to switch sides of his head, Truman was totally fine and 'in the zone'. So I could get a few more pictures of my big boy.

And Ta-Da!!!

Sigh. My boy is all grown up. Just in time to be a big brother which will surely make him seem even older. But we have to admit, he looks pretty darn handsome, doesn't he? When the lady pulled out the styling product I saw Nate's eyes twinkle a bit, reminiscing back to his own glory days when he could style his luscious locks with the best styling pomade out there. I think it's time to pass the torch to our son, my dear husband.

And also? Today is our home inspection!! Fingers crossed, prayers, thoughts that there are no major deal breakers! A three hour inspection while Truman is at home with his grandparents = plenty of time for me to take pictures, measure rooms, and imagine furniture layouts. Whoo hoo!

21 weeks: a lovely carrot

2012-01-18T07:00:00.000-06:00

Twenty-one weeks: 1.18.12

(mother nature won this photo shoot. Just too cold, with too much snow to be hard core and forgo the coat. I made it a long time being tough but now my4 layers weren't even enough. Maybe the shoots will get more and more fun with various winter gear now that we are actually getting hit with snow)

Size of baby: a banana according to The Bump (did that last week, thanks!) and a carrot according to Baby Center.

Cravings: Still digging the diet soda and anything salty. Those cheddar/sour cream potato chips are my revived bestie this week.

What I love: so much to love, I don't even know where to start. The belly, the kicks, bonding with this little girl in my belly, hearing she is healthy....I could go on but I'll stop there.

What I'm looking forward to the most: Well, now that we know her sex and know she is healthy, I guess I'm most looking forward to choosing her name and decorating her nursery. SO fun.

Worries: None. Mark this down as a first. I'm rocking the zen-attitude lately.

What is different this time around: Well, last time I was freaking out about gaining 13 pounds already. And freaking out that my OB said I should gain about 40 total. I had our changing table and basically the entire nursery put together. We had a top four for names. And this time? Nowhere near a top four for names. Nate and I are having a very hard time agreeing on anything other than our top pick for Truman's 'would have been a girl' name. But I'm not loving it anymore and want to feel super excited about her name, so I am making one gigantic list of girl names that I like, hoping Nate half-way likes one, too. I had only gained 8 pounds at my 18 week check up but I think I'm gaining about one pound per week now so I'm guessing it's around 11 total now. Pretty close to last time at least and really not freaking out about it this time. I'll gain whatever my body needs and then I'll probably lose it after baby is born. Whatever. And the nursery consists of ideas in my head and on Pinterest. The best way to dream up a girl's nursery, if you ask me!

Symptoms: None really. Have noticed my stomach getting tighter every now and then, but feeling pretty good overall.

Sleep: My first really rough week in this department. Was up for 3 hours in the middle of the night on Friday night, awake from 2:30 to 5:30. I can't really blame pregnancy though, but it was more my brain refusing to shut off. Definitely can't lay on my stomach now and it's not that comfortable to lay on my back either. But still, as long as my toddler sleeps I don't have many issues doing it myself.

Movement: Yes, and I love it. Tried to get a video of her going nuts one night but she was camera shy. Go figure

The belly: Really stretching out and my belly button is starting to look weird already, like it wants to pop. How is this possible? I think that didn't happen until at least 30 weeks last time? I think baby girl had a growth spurt by looking at my weekly picture.

Boy or Girl: A healthy baby GIRL!!!!

Milestones: The babe is 10.5 inches and 3/4 of a pound (ahem, or 14 ounces according to our ultrasound, but whatevs). Eyebrows and eyelids have formed as has her girlie parts. Still cannot believe I'm writing 'she' and 'her' in this post. So surreal.

Best moment of the week: Obviously, the healthy anatomy scan. Then the gender reveal. Then the fact that we might have just bought our first house!! The sellers accepted our final counter offer on Monday night and we are beyond excited and so blessed to have such amazing things happening in our lives right now. The inspection is set up for Saturday and we are praying this 87 year old home passes---definitely concerned that there are major structural issues we can't necessarily see, but I know we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. Planning to take pictures during the inspection and if all goes well I want to start some house posts here! The vision I have for this adorable home involves quite a bit of work and modernizing but man, it's going to be amazing when we are done with it. First thing to go? Old lady powder blue carpets in the entire home that are covering original hard wood floors. The horror!!

The deets: the reveal and ultrasound

2012-01-17T07:00:00.003-06:00

The Ultrasound itself:

Oh yes, there was an actual ultrasound that went along with our fun gender reveal, too. It was on Thursday afternoon and we dropped Truman off at Lori's for the scan that day. I drank the recommended amount of water (freaking 24 ounces) but instead of slamming it in 30 minutes I was a rebel and took 45 minutes. I am so wild this second time around. Still had to pee like a mad woman but not the point of tears, like I was with Truman's scan. The tech asked us right away if we wanted to know the sex, and we said yes but we wanted him to write it down and not actually tell or show us during the scan. He asked us to turn our head within the first 5 minutes of the 45 minute scan and we had to do that a few more times throughout. Do you know how difficult this was for two Type A planners?? But the tech said he knew the sex, printed out the ultrasound picture with the sex on it, and placed it in my little envelope right away. He gave us a 99% chance of being correct, and with Truman he'd given us a 99.9% chance. This made Nate assume that this baby must also be a boy, because if it was a girl the tech might not have been so sure. But I left that ultrasound thinking this was all girl because I could have sworn the tech said 'she' once after he'd seen the private parts. So both Nate and I left that room feeling 'sure' that we knew the sex, and we both had different guesses.

Of course, there was a lot more to this ultrasound than just getting the money shot: a heart with four chambers, heart rate of 158, a 'beautifully perfect' cerebellum without any extra fluid on the brain or extra nuchal fold at the neck to indicate Down Syndrome, a straight spine, good kidneys, bladder, lungs, an umbilical cord that is appropriately placed, a good placenta and cervix. I cannot tell you how relieved I feel after this scan, although I still wanted to hear that official 'everything is normal' statement from my OB's office. I got that call on Monday and let out an audible sigh. As Nate says, I can't ever just relax and be 100% happy, always have to worry about something:)

Baby girl was a little stubborn with her positioning, just like her big brother was. The tech said that only one out of ever 20-30 babies give him a hard time with getting the right measurements and both of my kids (!!) made him earn his money. Both times the tech thought I would need to return for a second scan but the babes turned at the last minute and give him what he needs. This child was moving around just fine but definitely preferred to be balled up, just chilling in the fetal position. So.In.Love.

Here is my reveal post with Truman. He was in the 58th percentile for growth, and 13 ounces. This baby is in the 70th percentile for growth, and 14 ounces. I think it's astonishing how different these two kiddos look already, but I know these scans aren't exactly high-def.

Before the Big Reveal:

I couldn't sleep the night before this big reveal. I was wide awake from 2:30 am until 5:30 am just dreaming about what was going to be in that box (plus thinking about switching Truman to a big boy bed, and whether or not we would get this house we want so badly). In my heart I really thought this baby was a girl, but I never had that true 'gut feeling' until after the ultrasound. And on our drive out to the photoshoot the next day, I was counseling myself to not feel disappointed if blue balloons flew out of the box. Obviously, another boy would be amazing because it's what we know, and Truman would probably love a little brother 2 years his junior. But for some reason, I started to get really attached to the idea of a little girl this time----one of each in our little family. Frills and pinks and a mother-daughter relationship that would surely make my life seem even more fulfilled. I tried to stay focused on the bottom line: that any healthy baby would be whole-heartedly welcomed and loved, no matter what color of balloons we'd see.

The details of the shoot:

Way back in June or July, I found this pin on Pinterest--yes, before I was even pregnant this time. I just knew that if and when I got my chance again, I wanted to do this gender reveal with balloons in a box. Once I was pregnant again, I remember sending the link to my friend Erin, asking her if she wanted to help out with the logistics of the shoot. She happily accepted and proceeded to be even more excited about it all than I was, if that is even possible. I asked my friend Dizzy to help with the shoot as well, and she shot the video for us. After showing Andrea the link to this idea, she jumped at the chance to be our official photographer. We were all set, and then the emails started flying.

I decided to give Erin the golden envelope that contained the 'money shot' ultrasound picture right away---literally, as soon as we drove back from the scan, I met Erin at Lori's (since we were both picking up our boys at that time anyway) and forked it over. Talk about having something burn a hole into your pocket---I am still proud of myself for not even peeking a tiny bit. I also gave her the box that I had decorated and some cash for the balloons. Erin then looked at the envelope that night, and ordered 15 helium balloons in the appropriate color to have ready for Saturday morning. She also told Andrea the big news with my permission, so the two of them were a part of some secret society and were about to pop with excitement. Dizzy chose to stay in the dark about the color of balloons because she is way more zen than the rest of us, and isn't even finding out what she is having, but was still really excited for me to find out 'early.' I didn't feel weird or jealous that they knew before me, just really happy that I have friends who care so much about this type of thing and love me despite/along with my desire to be a little dramatic. I won't get all mushy on you here, but these three girlfriends of mine have seen me through some really dark moments in the past year and I don't know if I could be as nearly-sane as I am right now without them. End of girlie-mush.

Nate, Truman, and I arrived at this little bike trail that Andrea had picked out for the shoot on Saturday morning. The three girls had already gotten there to set up shop with the box and 'spare' balloons for a little 'what will it be?' shoot before hand. And then, the magic happened. :) The only thing I would have done differently would have been to use a bigger box. I really wanted 15 balloons to fly out but only 6 could fit into my tiny box I made. What can I say, I don't estimate size too well. But if I picked a larger box then it would have been harder to fit in Erin's car and Truman would have been much shorter than it during the reveal, so whatever---I guess 3 balloons flying out, then 3 more after that is just fine.

I can honestly say that this reveal was full of so much anticipation, an extra 2 days of waiting (which, for a couple that has NO desire to wait the full pregnancy to find out the sex, that was a long time!!), and such wonderful support from my friends that it sort of felt like a dream. I was nervous, yes, but also just so darn happy to know what we were having that it didn't even seem real.

Here is a little video I made so we could show our parents and friends/family how awesome the reveal was in real time, and I actually re-did it to add a few of Andrea's pictures into the mix after I received those. I had to use the song A Thousand Years by Christina Perri because I heard it right in the beginning of this pregnancy, when everything was incredibly uncertain, and I immediately started balling hearing these lyrics. I wanted so badly for this little baby to stick around for the ride but at the time it just seemed like a far off dream. And now we are over halfway done with this pregnancy and we have a healthy baby girl to meet in a few more months. This was such a special day and I get chills watching this video every time (maybe a little teary, too). Perhaps you are with me on that one.

When those pink balloons popped out, all I could think was,' Yes! Thank you, God.' And then, 'Truman is getting a sister!' A few tears were shed, but not as many as I had anticipated because I think I was just in such shock, it didn't even hit me for a few hours. I called my parents and Memaw, and we did a mini-reveal with left over pink balloons in the box for Nate's parents when we got home. I know that this sort of big production for a gender reveal isn't something that everyone wants to do, but I can definitely say it was one of the most amazing experiences we've had. It was absolutely worth the wait of those dreaded two days between the ultrasound and reveal.

Pink balloons. Sigh.

The Big Gender Reveal!

2012-01-15T13:43:00.005-06:00

We have some big news to share!

I think I will just let the pictures tell the story. Details to come in a separate post because I still have to find the words. Andrea really outdid herself with these photos, didn't she? Thank you, Pinterest, for the great idea!

I thought it was a girl after our ultrasound on Thursday. And Nate thought it was a boy---hence these 'what will it be?' photos before we actually found out.

It's a...

BABY GIRL!!! There were pink balloons, you guys!

Many thanks to my girls---the crew that day:)

Truman is getting a little sister. And we are seriously on cloud nine right now. Thank you, God!

20 weeks: Banana-rama

2012-01-11T07:30:00.001-06:00

Twenty weeks: 1.11.12

Size of baby: a banana according to Baby Center or a cantaloupe according to The Bump. I simply cannot imagine baby is as big as a melon just yet, since Baby Center doesn't claim that one until week 34, so I'm sticking to one of my (and Truman's) most favorite fruits this week and will probably choose most Baby Center fruits from here on out. They are just more fun than The Bump, as much as it hurts to admit that one.

Cravings: This week I was totally digging diet soda. Which is funny because I never drink it anymore, maybe once a week at the most? But I just HAD to buy a diet A&W Root Beer two liter at the grocery store this week and seriously have to restrain myself from chugging the entire bottle in one sitting. Something about that bubbly, sweet, coldness that I can't get over. I realize this is not very healthy, blah blah blah, but cut me some slack here. I gave up my heavy addiction to coffee. A diet soda every now and then (and root beer doesn't even have caffeine, people!) will not kill me.

What I love: being half baked! Being at the magical 20 week mark, which means ANATOMY SCAN baby! Freaking 5 months pregnant = no joke anymore. loveitall.

What I'm looking forward to the most: Our big scan is tomorrow, Thursday 1/12/12, you guys. Cannot handle the anticipation that baby will be visible on a screen for us to view for a whole hour. Obviously, praying that baby measures right on track, appears totally healthy, and then finally, that he/she spreads 'em wide just like Truman did for us, so there are no questions about private parts. And then waiting 48 hours for the Big Reveal on Saturday. Can barely handle all of this right now, seriously.

Worries: That something might be flagged in the scan. Looking forward to getting the official call from my OBs office after the scan is complete to discuss the results. But we do happen to have a fabulous ultrasound tech because I requested him, and he's the same dude that did our big US for Truman's 20 week scan and also he is who I saw right before my D&C. Remember how I was going to a different OB during my miscarriage and it was handled in the worst way possible and I wound up in the ER with words like 'hysterectomy' floating around me? Yeah, that sucked. And this US tech was so sweet when my current OB (my saving grace) wanted to make sure that my uterus was not, in fact, on the verge of exploding from a random blood vessel like the other OB had said. He made me feel very confident with my choice to return to this OB and even said, 'hope to see you back here soon under different circumstances.' So basically, 'hope you get knocked up again with a healthy baby and then we can do a FUN scan, instead of such a horribly sad one.' Well, I'm here, buddy!!

What is different this time around: Ugh, why was I such a typical first-time-mom-overachiever last time? I had painted the nursery, purchased a crib and a changing table, and obviously this time around I'm nowhere near that prepared. Also, I was just starting to feel 'fat' and bought some maternity clothes. My bump was freaking puny last time and I thought it was big. HA. Oh, to be young again:) I have had those first 'I feel pretty chunky' thoughts this week, because clothes just aren't fitting me like they used to, and I'm definitely in between sizes of jeans now. But I have to remind myself that no matter how frumpy and awkward I feel, I'm going to be exponentially more uncomfortable in the coming months so I might as well get used to it. Nothing a big old cardigan and some leggings can't fix, anyway. :)

Symptoms: A few headaches this past week, which are never fun. But don't worry, my beloved diet soda seems to help a bit.

Sleep: No issues just yet. Passing out so hard that I wake up in a puddle of drool most mornings. Very sexy, no?

Movement: Lots, daily, and Nate and I have been having a lot of fun watching my belly bounce around and also feeling it from the outside. Did I ever mention that I love feeling a growing baby move around inside me? Totally indescribable.

The belly: Big. Fitting into maternity tops that were too big just 3 weeks ago. And multiple patients of mine have noticed at this point. Like, woah.

Boy or Girl: Honestly, no real intuition anymore. Too anxious to find out on Saturday to place any bets. But you are welcome to predict the future sex of our baby if you so choose! I am guessing I'll have pictures to show along with the big announcement maybe on Monday morning-ish, so hang tight!

Milestones: The babe is 10.5 ounces, 6.5 inches, and can now be measured from head to toe instead of just to the butt. He's swallowing, producing poop (!!), and continues to grow up a storm every day. Inching our way towards viability day, dude!

Best moment of the week: I was getting dressed one morning and Truman ran up to my belly, said 'BABY!', and then started hugging my legs as hard as he could. I sat down to get closer to his level and asked if he loves this baby, and he told me 'yeah!' and then gave my tummy a kiss. I kid you not, I almost melted and had to fight back tears. I just love picturing Truman as a big brother and I pray that having a newborn won't rock his little world too much, and that I'll be able to show both children enough love. But until I really have to worry about expanding my heart for another child, I feel so incredibly blessed to have my caring first born. Just can't believe I get to have another one of these little amazing creatures.

And the second best moment of the week? At 19w6d (Tuesday night), we made an offer on our first house. Fingers crossed it's the house for us, but WOW what a big week for our little family. So excited, many more house posts to come once we know if it's actually ours or not. And don't worry, Truman came with us to write the offer and pooped a nasty turd about 10 minutes into the meeting with our realtor. Even he noticed the stench. Fabulous.

19 weeks: big old grapefruit

2012-01-05T16:30:00.000-06:00

Nineteen weeks: 1.4.12

Size of baby: a 'large' heirloom tomato according to Baby Center, or a mango according to The Bump. But guess what? No big tomatoes to be found in all of Milwaukee, and mangoes are pretty darn expensive, plus I think I need to use it later on as the fruits get a little more obscure. So I figured out a fruit of my own: a grapefruit. Seems to be about the same size as a 6 inch tomato, right? And pretty. I do like pretty fruits.

Cravings: This should be changed to 'diet'--meaning, 'what did I consume in large portions last week?' I really don't CRAVE anything but am totally enjoying food in general these days. And really, I'm pretty boring right now with this category because I'm not even gorging myself on sweets or anything odd anymore. We'll see if that stays the same or not.

What I love: all of it. The belly, the movement, nearing the halfway mark, planning for a NEW BABY in May. Just love it.

What I'm looking forward to the most: Anatomy scan next Thursday!! And I eluded that we are doing things differently this time, and I will share this much with you: we will have the ultrasound tech write the sex on a card and put it in an envelope (hopefully with a 'money shot' ultrasound picture, too, just to be sure). Then we will wait almost 48 whole hours to find out the sex with a fun gender reveal event of sorts on Saturday morning. I cannot believe we will even have the will power to wait almost 2 days but I know we can remain strong in the name of a big surprise and amazing reveal on Saturday. Cannot wait!! Pictures will follow of course, and I'm not trying to be sneaky---just want to make it a little more fun when you see how we are announcing.

Worries: Not a ton this week, thank goodness. On his/her quiet days I do tend to get a little psychotic and neurotic and may pull out the doppler for a quick check.

What is different this time around: Apparently I was finished painting the nursery at 19 weeks last time. And my bump was a joke. This time I have a legit baby bump and we are not even sure where we will be living when baby comes, so I can only dream of nursery colors for now. Planning to buy our first home and then the logistics of actually moving in, decorating, and settling before baby make this pregnancy a LOT different than the last, I guess.

Symptoms: None! Sometimes my back hurts a bit and it feels wonderful to lay down but otherwise I'm feeling fab.

Sleep: Love it, wish my toddler would sleep past 5:15 to enjoy more of it.

Movement: Um, yes. Big kicks daily although some days are much more active than others. See the 'best moment of the week' for more details.

The belly: It's there! In fact, I had a big 'first' right at 19 weeks (when this post SHOULD have gone up but we were still fruit-hunting): a patient's family member commented on my belly without knowing I am actually pregnant. Granted, I was gesturing to my hips while I demonstrated how to lift a patient properly, but still---that counts as strangers noticing my bump! Can't say that I hate it:)

Boy or Girl: I'm totally torn again. I've stopped trying to decipher my intuition for now since we will find out soon enough. But let me just say again, I will be over the moon excited for EITHER sex as long as baby is healthy. For real.

Milestones: A whopping 6 inches and 8.5 ounces, plus tons of sensory development right now means baby is getting pretty substantial in size. Baby might be able to hear my voice now, so if I was a super-mom I'd start reading and singing and teaching my baby the alphabet right now. Instead, my baby hears me scold the dog and call for Truman to get out of the trash can more often than not. I guess he or she better get used to it!

Best moment of the week: On New Years Day, at 5:15 when Truman woke me up from the other room, I noticed baby was kicking like freaking crazy. I just laid there a little bit, wondering if he'd keep it up much longer. Then I grabbed Nate's hand and pulled it onto my belly and sure enough, he got to feel his first kicks from the outside! Nate said, 'I feel it!' and I have decided this was the best possible way to begin a new year with my family. Now let's just hope that Truman's sibling will not also be an early riser---one can hope!

Twenty-Two months

2012-01-04T21:00:00.000-06:00

I feel like making this monthly post a big old photo dump from Christmas but I shall refrain, and attempt at least a bit of text to tell a story. Cannot believe Truman will be two in just two more months. I will retire from doing these monthly posts for him at that time, since it will nicely tie up his second year album and give me some time to prepare for another little being's monthly posts:) And really, how many times can I say 'he is just so much fun!' and 'I love this age!' ??

(his new goofy face, saved only for the camera. And maybe he will need his first haircut before he turns two?)

Sleep is still all over the place around here. There were a few weeks after Thanksgiving when T was sleeping in until HEAVENLY hours such as 6:30 and 7 after falling asleep without a peep at 7:30. But that was pretty short lived and ended with the Christmas chaotics, since he refused to go to bed before 9 pm (about 1.5 hours later than his usual time) and demanded to wake at his favorite 5:00 hour again. Sigh. I think the absurd number of toys calling his name from the other room had a big part in this little set back with sleep. But alas! We bought him a Tot Clock for Christmas, hoping it would be a magical rescuer. People do swear by this thing although I was suspicious that it might be too good to be true, we figured it would be a great Christmas gift for the entire family. The first night we explained that the blue light means 'night-night' and when the clock turns yellow it's time to wake up and get 'down' from the crib. He totally got it right away and started begging for the light to turn yellow after explaining this concept just once. He woke that next morning at 5 am and I heard him saying 'Lellow' over and over, like he was talking to his clock and willing it to change over from the blue light. After a few more nights of this, he seems to finally understand that he needs to just go back to bed when it's a blue light, and not try to talk the clock into a different color, because we have the light set to change to yellow at 6 am---not his beloved 5am. But really, I think my child is just destined to be an early riser. The clock is cute and he gets really excited about telling me the difference between colors, but I'm not sure it's our magical fix.

(video of him and his clock)

He even got kind of manipulative one morning when he was yelling about how the clock was still blue, and he wanted it to be yellow. I was laying in my bed awake just listening to him talk it out when I heard him start saying, 'Mama, pee pee!' and then 'brrrrrr!'. Meaning, he wanted to go pee on the potty and he was cold. I mean, come on---how does the kid know that potty training and making sure he isn't too cold in our frigid house are two things that will ALWAYS get me out of bed? Little stinker didn't even pee on the potty that morning and I don't even think he was all that cold. At least he is consistent with his 3 hour naps each day---that is sort of a lifesaver for the sleep category.

What he is lacking in sleeping power, Truman surely makes up for it in the potty training department right now. He's back to 'caring' again and asks me to go pee pee throughout the day. One of our days off together, he went on the potty seven whole times! And had about two wet diapers all day long. Pretty amazing turn around from the days he would just tell me after he'd already gone and then refuse to let me change his diaper. I'm still not pushing full-on potty training just yet, with a new baby coming and a new house on it's way, too. Just doesn't seem fair to the boy to work so hard at something and then likely experience a regression later on, when it's still pretty early to push the issue. But anyway, he is loving pee on the potty, then dumping it into the real toilet and saying 'bye-bye' to the pee. This boy is all about routine and he's digging the pee pee ritual for now. I've even switched him back to cloth diapers at night, now, when before he would just pee through diapers that were even double stuffed no problem. Now we do just fine with a double stuffed diaper, including one hemp insert, and he usually has a big pee in the mornings to helps save that diaper a little bit.

He still really hates changing his diaper though, and the crocodile roll he used to do at about one year old has turned into wrestling a freaking tiger. This kid is strong and stubborn and does NOT like to take a time-out from playing to have his butt wiped. I really hate pinning him down and trying to distract him with toys and crazy songs and mommy acting completely deranged but come on, Truman---life is rough as a toddler when you have nasty poop on your skin. It has to be changed, and there is no room for negotiation. I tried to tell him if he'd just poop in the potty we could get rid of all diapers but I think he was too busy screaming 'NO' to really hear me. Very rough life, indeed.

Truman is getting more and more vocal with a growing vocabulary each week, although he definitely still has some 'Truman-ism' words that only we understand. For instance, his beloved trucks are actually called 'Gwahs' in case you were wondering. And the dog is 'Ga-Ga', as in Lady Ga Ga of course. He will pair two words together but still prefers the one worded sentence for now. We are working on him using his words more often and not relying on the grunt and point to tell us what he wants---and sure enough, when we tell him to use words he will remember how to say what he means. But the boy sure does love a good grunt and point.

He is a typical toddler with his eating habits right now, still digging a food one day and despising it the next. He'd snack all day long and will chug milk if I let him. This month he has been really into blackberries and blueberries, which is awesome and healthy, although it makes for disgusting dirty diapers (which only make the tiger-wrestling even more fun). I have noticed he's doing a better job at actually sitting still at the table long enough to consume a decent amount of calories. He really enjoyed my lasagna I made the other night which made me feel like the best chef in the world, since he usually pushes 'real' food away and settles for a bunch of random stuff instead (like a yogurt, half of a banana, a few berries, and some cheese---a dinner of champions, obviously). I think he likes the social aspect of eating meals with us as a family, too, and maybe he's finally understanding that this is what we do---we eat together, and we wait to run around like crazy people until after dinner. Go figure.

(iPhone pic of our boy in jammies that are dangerously tight, slamming his banana smoothie before bed)

Truman loves Henry (Ga Ga) more than anything and gets irritated with me if I put Henry in his crate for a short time out (after the dog inhales obscene amounts of people food that Truman is purposefully dropping on our floors for entertainment). They really stick up for each other and it's adorable to see a boy love his doggie so much. He loves his garbage truck he got for Christmas more than anything in the entire universe, but the basketball hoop is a close second. Still with the trucks and trash cans and dumping, but not so much obsessed with temporary tattoos anymore. Meaning, he will settle for one new tat per week instead of daily additions. Progress, people! He's just starting to allow oral hygiene and doesn't seem to mind me brushing his teeth twice a day now---whereas before it was a total nightmare, involving him sucking off all the toothpaste and biting the brush until I just gave up my efforts. I'm sure his future dentists will be happy we are turning the corner on that one.

He is still blowing us away with his athletic abilities, slamming dunks and hitting golf balls and kicking soccer balls all over our house. I think he is really focused on gross motor skills right now much more than verbal skills or, ahem, sleeping skills.

(a video of mister Michael Jordan)

And he does love to read his books and lately it's been all about Truman reading to mommy or daddy while he sits in the rocking chair alone. And we've gotten into the heart-warming habit of me singing to Truman while rocking him before bed. Seeing his big eyes staring up into mine, happy to hear me make up words to random songs in a horrible pitch, are just about the most rewarding event of my day. I hope he'll oblige me for a little while longer with this routine.

(another iPhone pic---my big boy with a milk mustache)

He loves to point to my belly and say, 'oh! baby!' and then give it a hug (melt me now) and I honestly think Truman will be a great big brother. He's just so loving and careful and observant that I'm hoping the transition is easy on him in a few more months. But for now I will happily cuddle my baby boy and enjoy being a mom to one while I can. He still likes to refer to himself as a baby, crawling across the floor at times, and he wants us to tuck him into his crib with a blanket each night, saying 'baby!'. I guess I won't worry about this too much until it's an actual problem...

(most amazing Christmas gift ever, made by my mom. She melted old crayons, poured them into empty glue sticks, wrapped the outside with colored scrapbooking paper, and made this little holster for him to wear. Amazingness)

On our way to two years old....not sure how this happened, but I certainly cannot complain!

18 weeks: bell pepper'd

2011-12-28T07:00:00.000-06:00

Eighteen weeks: 12.28.11

Size of baby: a bell pepper according to Baby Center and a sweet potato according to The Bump. I think bell peppers are super cute and prettier than a sweet potato, no?

Cravings: Not much but we had burgers on pretzel buns the other night and I'm still salivating over it. And sugar is still the bomb.

What I love: feeling baby move so much, looking pretty darn pregnant, and inching towards that halfway mark. Love.it.all.

What I'm looking forward to the most: Anatomy scan in 2 measly little weeks!! A BIG huge pregnant belly. And let's just jump right to it: having a newborn baby in my arms.

Worries: Now that I'm feeling baby move so much, I get a little panicky when I DON'T feel the child kick all day long. On Sunday I felt a little worried thinking back about how I hadn't felt any real kicks in about a day. Had to bust out the doppler again, but the great thing is that I'm not even using it every day anymore! This is big news, since I used it daily from 9 weeks until about 17 weeks. Gotta love feeling movement for reassurance!

What is different this time around: I read back over my 18 weeks post from Truman's pregnancy and first laughed out loud at my puny belly pic, then smiled when I read that I had just started unbuttoning my regular pants for added comfort. Oh, things are different now with this belly and I'm definitely in maternity clothes for good.

Symptoms: Seems like I'm getting a bit of the lovely pregnancy acne. And I did need two hour naps both days last weekend, so apparently I'm still tired.

Sleep: Love it, no issues here.

Movement: Lots. Definitely stronger jabs this week, daily, and usually most in the mornings and at night when I'm the most still.

The belly: It's large and in charge. Sometimes it seems smaller on certain days but overall it's still mind-blowing.

Boy or Girl: Ugh, I just don't know. Used to think boy, then a girl, now it's more boy thoughts again. I seriously cannot wait to find out!

Milestones: He's 5.5 inches and 7 ounces now, nerves are finalizing, ears are in position, and external genitalia are formed. This baby is growing into a real little creature that we are going to meet in the not-so-distant future and I just can't handle the anticipation of meeting this new little life.

Best moment of the week: Getting the call from my OB that the Quad Screen came back negative. This was a HUGE cloud lifted away from my head and I don't even think I realized how nervous I was to hear bad news from this test. Now I feel much more confident going into the anatomy scan and can embrace this pregnancy even more. Plus, Christmas was a pretty amazing moment this week. I love being pregnant over the holidays, being so thankful for 2011 and looking forward to 2012.

It's been a wonderful and extremely challenging year all in a matter of 12 months and I can't help but feel a little emotional looking back on it all. Truman's first birthday, first steps, first words. A positive pregnancy test, dreams of a November baby, then devastating news in April. My 30th birthday. A prolonged, painful, expensive miscarriage. Nate graduating with his doctorate, getting a fabulous job, and turning 30 himself (I'm a cougar, 4 months older than my man). Me switching jobs and dropping my hours again, to just 20 per week. A fun Florida vacation. Another positive pregnancy test. Dreams of a May baby. Getting pre-approved for a mortgage, meeting with a relator, and finally moving forward in our first home journey (much more later). A wonderful Christmas spent with loved-ones and the feeling of gratitude to God for giving us so much in this life. Here's to another amazing year in 2012!

Merry Christmas to me.

2011-12-23T07:00:00.001-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was busy taking my friend's Christmas card pictures for them and after about 50 shots, I turned around to take one picture of Truman standing behind me. And guess what? My camera made a weird noise and said, 'Err 99" on the screen. Ruh-roh.

At first I didn't think I would even be able to get the images off my memory card, but after a little Googling I tried to change out lenses, and sure enough--I could pull all the images onto my computer, thank goodness. But then when I went to take another picture I saw that something was seriously jacked with a shutter inside my camera. It would produce a big black line/blob across my images and if I took off the lens, looked inside, and pulled back the little mirror in there I could see the bonk shutter. It was laying in an odd position, all crumpled up and looking totally defeated and I knew it wasn't a good thing to see.

I emailed and called Canon and they said I could send in my beloved 3 year old Rebel XSi for $190 to be fixed. Or I could get a refurbished 'new' camera at a discount instead. I took a few days to really mull it over and after talking to Nate I decided this must be a divine sign that it is time to upgrade my camera body:) I mean, might as well consider it if I would be paying $190 (and waiting about 8-9 weeks) to get my current camera fixed anyway. So after a LOT of debate, spreadsheets, and talking Nate's ear off about the darn decision I decided to go all out and upgraded to the Canon 60D body. No more Rebel for me (tear, tear) although I was really close to getting the newer styles of Rebels T2i or T3i. I decided that the 60D would probably hold up better for my 'use and abuse' with two children, it's heavier and seemingly sturdy, and it is SUCH an improvement from my little Rebel that I can't even explain how it is blowing my mind.

For instance, my old Rebel could only go up to 1600 ISO which basically means indoor or low-light shots were a total crap shoot. And now? Um, 6400 ISO. Which translates to 'oh my goodness, I can actually take indoor pictures during the winter now!!' And it's not grainy. And my monitor for viewing the pictures is so crystal clear I can immediately see if the image is in focus or not. And all of that plus more, but mostly, OMG I love it. I had a few hours of buyers remorse before my new baby arrived, worried about money (of course) but I already know it's going to be worth every cent.

Not that these photos will blow your mind as much as my camera is doing to mine at the moment, but a few to show you how much fun I'm having playing with my new toy:)

And a Truman series--begins with a TOUCHDOWN pose, then a wave, and the last two are the signature Aaron Rodgers 'championship belt' poses. Packer fans will understand, I'm sure...

our new fun game to play in Truman's room--stacking animals on blocks on books. Good times.

The first pose is what Truman does when I ask him to 'smile for the camera'. The second is just my fave because of the tongue.

Vrrooooming trucks in low light conditions? No prob.

And baking Christmas cookies with dad. Love.

So yeah, that is my big news over here. An unexpected Christmas gift, but a welcomed one none the less. Even Nate is into my new purchased and was a big part in me just biting the frugal bullet and taking on this big dog. Love that man:)

17 weeks: blooming onion

2011-12-21T07:00:00.000-06:00

Seventeen weeks: 12.21.11

Size of baby: an onion according to The Bump, or a turnip by Baby Center's standards. The turnips at the store were sort of overwhelming and weird to me, so I stuck to a safer pick this time around. :) And now I am craving a blooming onion from Outback.

Cravings: not a whole lot this week, which is a first! I mean, I'm still eating VERY well and loving my desserts but haven't had true cravings this week.

What I love: wearing maternity clothes and feeling more and more pregnant each day.

What I'm looking forward to the most: Anatomy scan in just 3 more weeks!! And I can't wait for those big, intense movements that will make my entire belly move. Oh, and nursing. Seeing Andrea nurse baby Gabriella this week, as Gabby reached her tiny hands up towards Andrea's face made me yearn for that sweet bonding experience again. Can't wait!!

Worries: I should get a call from my OB's office before the end of the week about my Quad Screen blood work results. Have I ever mentioned I HATE waiting for test results via phone calls? Every time my phone rings my heart also skips a beat. Hoping they call sooner than later...

What is different this time around: Wearing maternity clothes at 17 weeks.

Symptoms: Nothing really, but I did need a 2 hour nap on Sunday. I think I got a little overly excited about updating my blog tabs on Saturday night and stayed up until almost midnight working on it! Nate jokes I haven't seen the midnight hour in years. Slight exaggeration but party animal, I am not.

Sleep: Yes, love it.

Movement: daily movement with no-joke kicks. I got a massage on Saturday and figured I'd be fine to lay on my stomach with a pillow under my hips but it was SO uncomfortable, and baby was totally freaking out and kicking like crazy. I was totally worried I was smooshing my baby to death but didn't get the courage to speak up, so I just tried to keep shifting my hips back and forth instead. But wow, this baby can really show off some movement when he/she isn't happy!

The belly: It's big. Like 'for real pregnant' big. In fact, I think I 'popped' this week. I think we are due for comparisons between Truman's pregnancy and this one, right? Observe the insanity (but ignore how pale I look this time around, should have just used the darn flash for a better comparison to the first time but whatevs):

And I think I am basically 8 weeks ahead of 'schedule' at this point. Yep, two whole months. Compare and see for yourself, wearing the same jeans for better effect:

Boy or Girl: Still thinking girl but I noticed whenever I use my doppler, I refer to the baby as a boy? No idea why, but I was telling Truman, 'That's his heartbeat!' this morning and realized I just picture him a boy when I listen to him move around. So maybe I'm not so sure about the girl thing anymore, huh?

Milestones: Baby is 5 ounces now and 5 inches long. The skeleton is turning to actual bone while the umbilical cord gets stronger every day. And apparently he has sweat glands, too! This little baby is not messing around anymore.

Best moment of the week: Lois gave me a cash gift for Christmas so I could go maternity clothes shopping and let me tell you, I lived it up like it was my job to find adorable clothes at a decent price. I was at Motherhood Maternity for almost 2 hours trying things on. All of my current maternity wardrobe is just too big for me now, since I bought it all in my third trimester last time, so I got some great 'intermediate' pieces that should last me a good few months (I hope). Trying on fun, cute outfits that don't just make me look like I have a big beer gut does a lot for self-confidence. I think it's really important to feel attractive when pregnant and I'm hoping my new purchases help me feel more like a rockstar and less like an awkward pregnant but-not-too-pregnant-person.

Truman's posts

2011-12-17T21:14:00.005-06:00

Re-organizing the above tabs on my blog---and of course, one needs to be dedicated to mister Truman Anthony's weekly/monthly posts. Did I really post weekly while on maternity leave?!?! Might not happen second time around, FYI.

Birth Announcement: 3.1.10
Professional hospital photos: 3.4.10
Birth Story in Pictures : 3.4.10
Birth Story in Words: 3.5.10

One week: 3.8.10
Three weeks: 3.23.10
Four weeks: 3.29.10
One month: 4.1.10
Five weeks: 4.5.10
Six weeks: 4.12.10
Seven weeks: 4.19.10
Eight weeks: 4.26.10
Nine weeks: 5.3.10
Ten weeks: 5.12.10
Eleven weeks: 5.17.10

Three months: 6.2.10
Four months: 7.1.10
Five months: 8.1.10
Six months: 9.1.10
Seven months: 10.1.10
Eight months: 11.1.10
Nine months: 12.1.10
Ten months: 1.1.11
Eleven months: 2.1.11
Twelve months: 3.1.11
One year: 3.1.11

Thirteen months: 4.1.11
Fourteen months: 5.1.11
Fifteen months: 6.1.11
Sixteen months: 7.1.11
Seventeen months: 8.1.11
Eighteen months: 9.1.11
Nineteen months: 10.1.11
Twenty months: 11.1.11
Twenty-one months: 12.1.11
Twenty-two months: 1.1.12

16 weeks: holy guacamole!

2011-12-15T20:45:00.001-06:00

Sixteen weeks: 12.14.11

Size of baby: an avocado! Both The Bump and Baby Center agree on this one. Makes me crave guacamole for sure.

Cravings: still with the sugar. We threw a little holiday party here last weekend so Truman and I made peanut butter blossom cookies and then these amazing oreo truffles. To say that I had my share of both treats would be severe understatement.

What I love: feeling little kicks, seeing an actual pregnant bump, and mostly just being pregnant.

What I'm looking forward to the most: Anatomy scan in just 4 more weeks!!

Worries: Surprisingly sane this week. I mean, I'm still using my doppler daily but mostly I feel fairly relaxed at the moment.

What is different this time around: The 'second-timer' bump is freaking out of control. Also, I'm not spending every spare moment researching baby gear, nurseries, etc etc.

Symptoms: Not much at all. In fact, I was just reveling in the idea that I feel SO much better now than I did in the first trimester. I don't have to nap when Truman naps, I can actually amp up my caseload at work, and I have energy in the evenings to do fun Christmas-y things (and learned to blog again). No complaints here! Well except I did have a few days of lower back pain after standing or sitting in one place too long, I had some weird acid reflux one day that made me want to gag for a whole evening, and then I thought I might be getting hemorrhoids. But at the moment I feel great, so I'm going with that!

Sleep: Yes, lots. No naps but really good sleep at night, but that urge to pee as soon as I awaken for the day is back.

Movement: A few more strong jabs, nearly every day now. I love feeling the babe move so much it's sort of sickening. :) Also, at exactly 16 weeks I promise you that I felt the baby kick from the outside, with my hand on my belly. It was fairly light but I am 100% sure this was baby. You may be rolling your eyes at me for this proclamation because it's ridiculously early but I have to document it anyway!

The belly: Not really fluctuating anymore, staying out there all the time. I officially brought my maternity clothes out of hiding because I just cannot stand how short my shirts have gotten and how uncomfortable my pants have become. I can still wear my regular jeans and one pair of work pants but that is it. Of course, most of my maternity stuff is still way too big but I don't even care, it's comfortable. And according to this blog I didn't wear maternity clothes until 24 weeks with Truman. INSANITY.

Boy or Girl: Honestly, I'm going out on a limb here (because I truly pride myself on guessing the sex of babies right in most all of my friends and myself in the past). But I really think girl right now. VERY weird to admit because I've thought boy for so long, even before I was pregnant---I just pictured us with another boy. But for some reason this past week has been a 'girlie' week. Maybe my intuition will change but for now I'm thinking of girl names (all of which Nate will surely shoot down).

Milestones: The babe is 4.5 inches long and 3.5 ounces and apparently is gearing up for a major growth spurt in the next few weeks, doubling in weight by then. And baby has grown toenails by now. Cue the Juno quote with that one:)

Best moment of the week: It's really just been a good week overall, sorry to be cheesy and annoying and all high on life. I really think 16 weeks seems like a hurdle of some sorts, since being 4 months pregnant makes it feel pretty darn real, you know? I did have my Quad Screen blood work done on Thursday but I'm trying not to worry too much about the results just yet. And look at this adorable ornament my mom sent me tonight: remembering baby Wren will always help put things into perspective for me.

{and because I hadn't updated my blog layout and header since FEBRUARY I figured it was high time. Loving the new color scheme and pictures, might keep it this way for another year or so:) }

Merry Christmas, 2011.

2011-12-12T08:00:00.002-06:00

Just a few pictures from our 'operation Christmas card' session with Andrea. She took our pictures with my camera, I took hers with her camera and we were totally done within 30 minutes or so. We took our own pictures home then and did our own editing/cropping. Works for me!

Merry Christmas!

Twenty One Months

2011-12-09T08:30:00.002-06:00

These monthly posts are getting to be quite the chore! I am really only doing them for the yearly album at this point and I know I won't regret having some text to go into the giant photo book I'm currently making for Truman's second year. But dang---where have the months gone?

Let's start by painting a picture of things Truman just ADORES, okay?
-The child loves dry cereal in a bowl, a sippy of milk, and a sippy of water. These three things could be his only sustenance if I allowed it. Combine these items with a little Elmo on his portable DVD player and you have the perfect recipe for a happy Truman each morning.

- Also, he is obsessed with his blankies, now. He never really cared about the little monkey, lamb and green blanket that I have been putting in his crib for months...until now. And now it's gone a little overboard because he takes those darn blankies all around the house and even to Lori's house (but I limit him to two there, I'm so hard, aren't I?) I think it's sort of cute that he finds comfort in these blankets but it also seems like just one more thing to get rid of in the future.

- The child cannot get enough of flirting with strangers, especially those of the female variety. Taking him out to eat is highly entertaining because he will lock eyes with any cute teenage girl and immediately set his spell on her. When we were in Missouri last month for Thanksgiving, Truman warmed right up to our extended family and definitely chose his favorites (like my 21 year old cousin, Kelsey, who seriously needs to move to WI to be our permanent babysitter). I love that my child is highly social and loves to interact with others. It makes me especially happy since our dog is the most anti-social creature you'll find:)

- He loves to pretend he is a baby. This is starting to worry me a bit, because I will say, 'Truman, you are SUCH a big boy!' and then he will immediately say, 'Oh! No, baby' and points to himself. He corrects me about this nearly every day and then just to drive home his point he will get down and starts army crawling across our floors. I'm sure this has something to do with the baby in my belly as he sort of 'gets' that too, pointing to my belly and saying 'BABY' every day and then giving the baby a big hug (melt me, now).

- Loves hunting for the little mouse in the Goodnight Moon book. Loves pointing to various colors in the wide world around him, specifically nailing purple, yellow and sometimes green. But let's get real, he still likes to mix them all up most of the time and we don't mind since the words sound so cute coming out of his mouth.

- Loves making forts with mommy and forces Paw Paw to set up a small-ish tent in their living room downstairs.

-Loves picking on Henry and has a new game of 'get the dog to leave my room, then slam the door so he can't get back in!'. Truman really does love Henry though, and he will hug him (although a little too rough) all day long. Henry obliges most of the time because I think he secretly loves the attention.

- Throwing balls, being athletic, trying to jump (can do it sometimes, but others he only clears one foot off the ground), and being a big old boy. This kid really does have a great throwing arm, though, and insane hand-eye coordination when it comes to hitting golf balls or other items with his clubs. Nate and I are trying really hard not to be all psycho about him becoming a star athlete just yet. We'll tackle preschool first:)

-He got back into killing imaginary bugs again this month. Usually he will do this little routine after he practices his jumping. I have no idea why he pretends to smack bugs but it's seriously hilarious, if not a little creepy.

-He loves to babble to himself. Most of his words make sense to us but then he'll just go off on a toddler tangent for awhile and we have to pretend that we understand. His new favorite words are: dump (for a dump truck, complete with a hand gesture), yellow, bye-bye, hi!!!! (said really enthusiastically and usually when getting very close to your face), and no-no (mostly directed at the dog).

-And his love for temporary tattoos has not diminished in time. In fact, we are basically putting two new ones on about every other day now. Good thing we bought a pack of 140 this summer! Almost out now!

Things Truman DESPISES:
-T will crinkle up his nose and say, 'ick!' whenever he sees tiny crumbs in our sink while he's playing in the water. He really does not appreciate any food particles in his territory that don't belong there and will demand that I empty out the drain before he begins playing. Did I ever tell you that I was an odd child who had to play in sandboxes with rubber gloves because I didn't like the feel of it? I hope Truman isn't following my weirdo lead.

- He also hates if there is a tiny thread coming off the seam of his sleeve. Makes me cut it off right away so he doesn't have to see the horror.

- And he is getting to hate all zip-up hooded sweatshirts, which stinks because he wears so many of them. Not sure where this came from but we've noticed that when we put on a tee shirt he's totally fine, but anything with a hood or a zipper (besides his coats, which he loves) will make the boy tweak. I basically have to torture him and force it over his arms and zip it up while he screams, then I try my best to distract the heck out of him. Very odd, no?

-Although we had lots of luck with the potty a few months ago, Truman is definitely on an anti-potty kick right now. All I've ever done is just ask if he has to go, and he used to say 'yes' and mean it. Now he always says, 'NO!' and so I'm not pushing it. I believe he'll potty train when he is ready so there is no point in forcing the issue when he isn't even two years old yet, you know? But now he mostly likes to take the inner bowl of his froggy potty and put it in random places of the house instead of actually using it. It was nice while it lasted!

Truman is wearing all 2T and some 3T clothes at this point and we still get comments on his height. Still hasn't needed a haircut yet but there are a few really long and awesome strands that are pushing the limits of appropriateness. His sleep is pretty much all over the board this month, and although we did get a few awesome late-rising days (6:30 or later) the past few days have been a 5 am wake up call again. But he still loves his 3 hour nap so I can't complain too much, I suppose. He's seemingly rounded the corner at daycare with his separation anxiety, which I believe has a lot to do with his better sleeping habits. I just love hearing good reports from Lori and there are many mornings when T is talking all about Lori and his buddies at daycare on our drive to her house.

(Truman with his buddy Kaydin and also Henry at daycare. Note the matching firetruck hooded sweatshirts---that was a nightmare to get on in the morning, but worth it when Kaydin showed up in the same thing!)

He's eating EXTREMELY well for Lori and fairly well for me but he's still pretty picky in the evenings at dinner. I'm sort of convinced that when he wakes early in the morning and also when he doesn't want to sit still for dinner, his little brain is just going through SO many new and exciting things that he just doesn't have time to sleep or eat, respectively.

What a year you've had, mister Tru! We love you so much and can't wait to see what 2012 brings to your little life.

15 weeks: mister orange

2011-12-07T08:00:00.001-06:00

Fifteen Weeks: 12.7.11 {all caught up to real time now!}

Size of baby: an orange according to The Bump, or an apple according to Baby Center. Tough choice for me but I like the bold color of oranges better:)

Cravings: mostly sweets (ie Jo-Jo's in excess) but at the movie theater last weekend, I had some salty/buttered popcorn that was divine. I never eat popcorn but it just sounded too amazing to pass up and it did not disappoint.

What I love: embracing this pregnancy to it's fullest.

What I'm looking forward to the most: I scheduled the anatomy scan for Thursday, January 12, so I will be 20 weeks (plus one day)! Really excited about that big event and a twinge nervous about all that could be discovered to be wrong at that scan, too. But trying to hang onto the excitement of seeing our baby move around for a full hour. And yes, we will find out the sex but we are doing it a little differently than last time. Details to come in January.

Worries: I thought I had the faintest, teeniest speck of a brown spot in my undies on Monday. All of my familiar worries came crashing down on me and it was hard to sleep that night. But nothing else has appeared since so I'm trying to go with the 'push the worries out of your mind' idea.

What is different this time around: The incredible bump.

Symptoms: Headaches were better this week, but a glimpse of The Fatigue came back to haunt me a bit. Probably because we had a totally hectic weekend that left me exhausted---I needed naps and still felt tired most mornings this week.

Sleep: Yes, please. Can't get enough again.

Movement: Still with the little jabs a couple times last week. Really can't wait for daily BIG kicks---one of my favorite parts of pregnancy, for sure.

The belly: Still fluctuating over the course of a day but not ever 'flat' even in the mornings anymore. Only have one pair of work pants that fit now but I'm trying to use my Bella Band for the other pair that nearly fit. I really dislike the Bella Band though and have decided it's time to buy 'real' maternity pants for my job. Again, I wasn't in maternity clothes until after 20 weeks last time. Insane.

Boy or Girl: I still catch myself saying 'he' and 'him' a lot for this baby but I'm not sure that's really intuition or just what I know. We'll find out NEXT MONTH!! :)

Milestones: Baby is 4 inches long, 2.5 ounces, and is breathing amniotic fluid now. This is the week that baby can sense light which is great to know for when I'm jamming a flashlight onto my belly (?).

Best moment of the week: My OB appointment last Friday went very well. I am in love with my OB and she is sort of in love with this champion baby, I think. No ultrasound this time but she did clear me for light exercise (ie zen-like yoga or something to that effect) but she doesn't really think I need to be running and stressing my body too much. Also, I wasn't going to talk about weight gain but I was really surprised to see I've only gained 3 pounds so far without any exercise in the past 9 weeks. A nice surprise indeed. We scheduled the blood work for the 16 week Quad Screening, scheduled my anatomy scan, and I have another appointment with her at 18 weeks. Moving right along now, aren't we?

14 weeks: My Lemon Baby

2011-12-06T07:00:00.006-06:00

Fourteen weeks: 11.30.11

Size of baby: a lemon--and finally Baby Center and The Bump agree this week!

Cravings: since last week was Thanksgiving, I can safely say I craved EVERYTHING. Sweet, salty, and anything edible. Notice I'm not doing a 'weight gain' topic because I'm not weighing myself at home. Just not interested in the freak out mode this time:)

What I love: being pregnant. Plain and simple.

What I'm looking forward to the most: I have an OB appointment in a few more days and I'm going to twist her arm to let me schedule our anatomy scan at that time. We'll see if it works!

Worries: Definitely had to check baby's heartbeat with the doppler multiple times on the day I announced the pregnancy to the internet. Still have those nerves that something could go wrong at any moment. Not sure that will ever leave me.

What is different this time around: Showing earlier. Otherwise I think I'm pretty much on track with everything else for 14 weeks compared to Truman's pregnancy.

Symptoms: headaches! Ugh. They sneak up on me almost every afternoon/evening and are pretty awful. I tried having a little caffeine but that doesn't even help much--I think I need to be better about eating regularly and not waiting until I'm famished.

Sleep: Very, very good. Took a 2 hour nap today in fact.

Movement: In the past few days I have had some DEFINITE jabs, like, 'Woah-that was totally the baby!'. I love it so much I cannot even explain.

The belly: Still fluctuating depending on the time of day. I took off my jacket the other day and Truman pointed to my tummy and said, 'Baby!' really loudly. Must have been a 'big belly moment' or something. :)

Boy or Girl: Nate admitted he sort of wants a girl this time, so I've been letting that idea marinate a bit this week. But honestly, I'll be totally thrilled with either option as long as baby is healthy (cliche but true). Truman would love a brother close in age I'm sure, and we could reuse some of his clothing. Plus we just 'know' baby boys if that makes sense, it's our comfort zone. But frilly pinks and girlie things would be wholly welcomed, too. I guess we will find out in about 6 more weeks!

Milestones: baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and maybe even suck his thumb! When I think about such expressions in the womb I can't help but imagine my little Truman, who is so expressive outside of the womb, and wonder if this little babe will be just as dramatic. Baby is also 3.5 inches and 1.5 ounces now. Grow baby, grow!!

Best moment of the week: coming out to the internets. The love and supportive comments on this blog, Facebook, and then texts/messages/emails were totally overwhelming in the best way possible. Definitely glad I timed the reveal with Wren's due date because I'm feeling the love, and it makes this pregnancy seem even more real.

{almost caught up! Will be 15 weeks tomorrow on Wednesday, 12.7.11 and I'm going to attempt to do a 'real time' post for that week tomorrow. No more backdated posts!}

13 weeks: sugar plum fairies

2011-12-05T07:00:00.002-06:00

Thirteen weeks: 11.23.11

Size of baby: a beautiful fuzzy peach according to The Bump, and an ugly shrimp if you listen to Baby Center. But what is that you see up there? A plum. Because peaches are not in the stores up here in Wisconsin in November and I think holding a shrimp for an 'artsy' picture is sort of gross. So I had to get creative and just chose a plum because it's somewhat similar in size to a peach. And really, the plum was the '12 week' fruit according to Baby Center so I guess I should have used it last week and used the dumb lime this week. Oh well. This fruit picture stuff is harder than it looks!

Cravings: SUGAR! And not 'just' chocolate, like always, but the fruity candy stuff, too. Digging into Truman's Halloween stash I discovered Jolly Ranchers fruit chews. Amazing. Also, if you are a fan of Trader Joe's like we are here, you must go buy hundreds of boxes of their Peppermint Jo-Jos. Only around for the holiday season and freaking mind blowing.

What I love: Hitting the magical teens! In 3 more days I will feel confident in chanting, 'I made it to the second trimester, baby!' Also, still loving my doppler.

What I'm looking forward to the most: Coming out on the blog and Facebook next week at 14 weeks. Talk about making it official. Eek!

Worries: Oh, you know, the usual suspects like having a miscarriage, starting to bleed randomly for no reason, etc etc. But overall my worries have been less of a mental burden this week.

What is different this time around: Um, the bump. I am not sure how much longer I'm going to last in regular pants which is amazing, considering I didn't switch to wearing a bella band until about 18 weeks with Truman, and no maternity pants were worn until after 20 weeks. Love it.

Symptoms: Holla at your girl for wearing my B cup bras again! This is HUGE (no pun intended). Still tired on occasion with naps thrown in a few times each week. Emotional and over-sensitive. And starving.

Sleep: My best friend. T has managed sleeping in until hours like 6 and even 7 am so life is very good right now. The urgency to pee in the mornings is a lot less intense, too.

Movement: Still with occasional taps, getting stronger over time, but only a few days a week. I am still not 100% convinced it's the baby but basically 90% convinced. I did feel Truman at 14-15 weeks so I know it's not impossible but still SO early!

The belly: fluctuates GREATLY. In the mornings it's basically non-existent, but by the afternoon it's out of control. Definitely worse at certain angles and when I have to pee (hence why these varying belly pics each week might not follow a perfect progression overall). I really believe my 13 week belly this time compares to my 23 week belly with Truman. Might have to show comparisons side-by-side soon to convince you of the madness.

Boy or Girl: no intuition just yet.

Milestones: the babe has fingerprints, is almost 3 inches long, and weighs about an ounce. Seems like a real baby in there now!

Best moment of the week: telling my boss and co-workers the good news this week, Nate telling his work friends/other friends, and overall allowing myself to feel confident in this pregnancy.

(more pictures from our Thanksgiving trip, taken right at 13 weeks by my beloved hubby. Did I mention he is getting REALLY good at using my camera lately?)

(tee shirt from Etsy seller 'Heather Rodger Designs'--highly recommended. I let Truman choose the design after I narrowed it down between three. Of course he picked the excavator. )

And the video of how we told Memaw the big news on Thanksgiving day:

12 weeks: margarita, tequila...

2011-12-02T07:00:00.003-06:00

twelve weeks: 11.16.11

(my new idea for weekly belly pics, totally inspired by Pinterest but excited about putting my own twist on it. My goals are: using the weekly fruit, always taken outside for the best light (yay, WI winters!), take in front of different backgrounds/locations, and use different poses each time. Not going to do the same exact pose in front of the same exact wall each week this time just to spice things up and make this pregnancy it's own. Fruit hunting should be fun and I realize it will be harder to see a perfect inch-by-inch progression of the belly but that is okay.)

Size of baby: a lime (again) if you go with Baby Center or a plum if you listen to The Bump. Either way, pretty freaking big!

Cravings: this week I have been yearning to lick a salt block. Or more specifically, pickles are like a slice of heaven and cheddar/sour cream chips are enough to make me salivate just typing the words. I bought both in the grocery store this week and while checking out I had to fight the urge to eat both containers immediately. Oh, salt. Love you this week.

What I love: the bump, making it to one of the accepted 'second trimester' markers of the world, and telling more people in our lives. Telling is fun. Telling does not jinx a pregnancy. Repeat mantra as often as needed (note to self, mostly---trying to do some inner-self convincing here).

What I'm looking forward to the most: surprising Memaw with our news next week at Thanksgiving with Truman's new adorable tee shirt. It's her 80th birthday and the first time we've made the trip to Missouri for Thanksgiving since 2006. It's going to be quite the surprise!!

Worries: see above re: jinxing pregnancy with announcing it.

What is different this time around: definitely showing more this time around, but otherwise I feel pretty much the same as I described in my 12 week post with Truman.

Symptoms: Inflating boobs, random fatigue (naps only sporadic now, thank goodness), and gas. Will my GI issues ever resolve???

Sleep: yes, please. If only my toddler slept past 5:15 each day.

Boy or Girl: no idea. Still not 'going there'.

Milestones: baby has reflexes now! He can move his fingers, his mouth can suck, and there's a ton of movement going on in there! I felt movement with Truman really 'early' at 14-15 weeks and I swear to you there are moments I feel like the baby is already making me feel kicks this early. Could be gas, but I'm starting to think it's for real. We'll see.

Best moment of the week: did I ever mention I bought a doppler for home use? Yep. Best decision of my life. Nate was not sold on the idea because he knew if I couldn't find the heartbeat one day I might actually go insane (it could happen). But so far, so good, and I even found it really early on my first try at 9w1d although it took a few minutes. This week I found it very quickly with each attempt (ahem, daily---each morning, with Truman's request to hear the 'baby'). Rate in the 155 range which is a lot higher than Truman's standard 140s. Could this mean girl?? I love hearing that precious sound and I think the highlight of my week has been making this something Truman and I do together each morning. So what if he's calling the doppler the baby---he's getting there:)

First trimester, weeks 4 through 11

2011-12-01T07:00:00.001-06:00

So basically, weeks 4-10 went a little like this, as far as physical symptoms go:

The Fatigue: This was my biggest symptom with Truman's pregnancy and also made it's presence known during Wren's. This time? So freaking tired that I had to physically force my legs to take steps. Wanted to gouge out my own eyes because they would not stay open. Could not fight the urge to nap, and actually made time to take one every.single.day (yes, even on work days---I have a pretty fab schedule lately, no?). Collapsed into bed at about 9 pm (ahem, or perhaps 8 pm) and prayed to God that Truman sleeps later than 4:30 am because my energy levels were simply pitiful. Sort of wanted to cry when I had to be productive in the working world but usually, once I'm out and about seeing patients I do a decent job at keeping my eyes open. I really feel like the world's biggest loser of a mom on my days home with Truman because it takes so much effort to keep the child entertained and I had no energy. I found that I can get pretty creative while laying my lazy butt on the couch though, so hopefully I haven't ruined my son for life by letting him watch numerous Elmo DVDs while mommy grows a baby. And thank you, God, for having a toddler that takes fatty naps. I would die otherwise. I think Fatigue was it's worst from weeks 6-10 and then I started weaning myself off naps very slowly.

Nausea: Well, if you do recall, I had basically no nausea with Truman. And then with Wren it was pretty bad by my standards. This time around, I'd say it was more like my second pregnancy because there have been definite moments I talk myself out of blowing chunks everywhere, mostly from weeks 6-9. I did not actually hurl but came close many times, the most interesting of which were when I was working. In patient's homes. As in, I'd have images flash before my eyes where I'd have to ask my elderly patient to use their bathroom and then I'd have to throw up in their 'commode' with raised seat and handles. Or possibly worse---I'd imagine myself running outside and barfing in their front yard. Either option is horrid and totally not professional. But when I'd have a wave I would pray to God with all my might that I could forgo puking at work. So far, so good!

The 'lesser' symptoms:
-Bloat/gas: Um, yeah. Pretty sure there have been evenings when I thought my baby was composed totally of methane gas. Enough said.

-clogged pipes: constipation sent from the Devil himself. I'm sure that kicking my heavy caffeine habit didn't help matters in the cloggage department but whatevs.

-super sniffer: one time I swore that I smelled Doritos while eating an apple. No Doritos in sight, but then that scent rapidly changed to dog farts and I almost lost my lunch while yelling at Henry for tooting. In reality, I don't think I could blame the poor dog for my ridiculous sense of smell. But what a weird symptom, no?

-metallic taste in mouth: this was really only from weeks 4-6 or so and it made me want to brush my teeth 14 times per day. Did I suck on a penny or what? Nasty. This is the main reason that I completely gave up all coffee, too (I know, double check to make sure you are still reading MY blog right now and not some imposter). I have tried some decaff here and there usually it tastes gross to me. Maybe someday I can befriend Starbucks again, my dear lover who comforted me all summer. But for now? Ick. I'll pass.

-irritability/emotional mess: poor Nate. One minute I would be on top of the world, happy as a freaking clam, and super excited about every.little.thing. And the next minute I would start crying and assume that he hated me, that I was losing the baby, and the world was most definitely ending. Emotional highs and lows, plus a absurdly short fuse. I hate that I would take out my deranged hormonal states on my husband and even poor Truman (what?! Why can't you just lay still when I change your dirty diaper instead of rolling in it like a crocodile? The world is ending and I can't take it anymore). Luckily they both still love me and knew that mommy just went through the crazies for few weeks. They hope the worst has passed, as do I.

-sore nips: definitely not as bad as Truman's pregnancy, because I'm pretty sure the old fun bags have been so used and abused that they must not have a whole lot of sensation left in them. But by about week 7 I noticed my boobs hurt when the shower water hit them. And then by week 10 I noticed the girls were plumping up again. Hallelujah.

-dizziness: totally got the room spinning a few times after standing up. Nothing like taking two steps, then stopping to throw your head between your knees to avoid passing out to prove you are pregnant.

-headaches: dude. I'm sure giving up my beloved coffee doesn't help matters here but I was doing totally fine until about week 9 when I started getting ragers in the afternoon. Mostly on work days. Not sure if I'm not drinking enough water or what---but I find that if I treat myself to a little diet soda my headache goes away. Magical!

Overall, I think this whole first tri has been pretty comparable to my other pregnancies. Maybe a little worse with nausea, about the same for fatigue, and definitely a lot harder with a toddler. But I still feel like I've lucked out in the symptom department because I never bowed to the porcelain gods---and really, when you are a headcase like me, making your mental sanity waver by the second when it comes to worries about a healthy pregnancy, it's a good thing I wasn't a total wreck in the physical symptom department, too.

I started actual belly pics at 11 weeks so I might as well make the posts more official at that point---finally feeling more optimistic, and able to write out weekly posts for your viewing pleasure! Remember, in real life I am 14 weeks now so you will have 'catch up' posts for weeks 11, 12, and 13 before the current one at 14 weeks. I know it's confusing, bear with me.

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Eleven weeks: 11.9.11

Size of baby: a lime according to The Bump (or a fig by Baby Center's standards), which seems like the first legit fruit of the bunch compared to teeny poppy seeds, blueberries, and prunes!

Cravings: slamming OJ like nobody's business lately. Never did this before, except while pregnant with Truman...

What I love: having a real bump! Still can't wrap my head around the fact I'm showing this early, though.

What I'm looking forward to the most: Feeling the baby move. And being out of the first tri.

Worries: making it past first tri, plain and simple.

What is different this time around: well by 11 weeks with Truman we had already told the whole wide world. Not so much this time. And of course, with Wren's 11 week mark I believe I was taking that failure of a drug called Cytotec to induce my miscarriage. So yeah, this time it's pretty freaking different compared to both other times at 11 weeks!

Symptoms: This is honestly the first week I can say I have any amount of energy! I haven't needed a nap every.single.day anymore and I can actually walk around the house without willing myself to move every inch. I have noticed my boobs are inflating again (hoo-boy!), I'm gassy and bloated, and really ridiculously emotional.

Sleep: Can't. Get. Enough. May not be napping for 2 hours each day anymore but still love to hit the hay super early at night. And since my beloved toddler enjoys waking at the butt crack of dawn, I believe that might make me more tired during the day. Not waking to pee in the night but when T does wake around 4 or 5 I have to practically sprint to the bathroom to relieve my full bladder.

Boy or Girl: no idea. Not even letting myself attempt to get in touch with my intuition just yet. Makes it seem too real and scary:) I will probably refer to this baby as a boy in my posts, though, just because that is what I'm used to in pregnancy, okay?

Milestones: Apparently, baby is 'fully formed'. Which I guess means that all of the appropriate parts are accounted for at this point?

Best moment of the week: at 10w2d I had an ultrasound that showed a MOVING baby! One that was seriously waving to me, flexing his neck, and wiggling all around. I have never cried at an ultrasound before (at least not from happiness) but came pretty close this time. I wish Nate could have been there to see this little child doing his jig. I think this was also the exact day that I finally started to think positively and let myself get excited about meeting our May baby. Still have to make a conscious effort to remain optimistic but it's definitely getting easier with time.

The dirty details (longest post ever)

2011-11-30T07:00:00.007-06:00

So I'm pregnant after a loss...

And boy, that 'after a loss' phrase makes everything completely different this time around. A few days ago I finally sat down at the computer to start typing a few blog posts about the pregnancy, at nearly 11 weeks pregnant. I must have been having a rough mental day because there are four paragraphs full of doom and gloom and depressing thoughts about how difficult it's been for me to enjoy this pregnancy. But you know what? I'm not posting those four paragraphs because I'm choosing to be positive for a change. I will, however, paraphrase my rambling thoughts on the matter of being pregnant again after a miscarriage earlier this year. And then I'll get to the nitty gritty details that you all want to read anyway:)

I'm a worrier as you may have picked up from reading my blog. I worry that posting about this pregnancy will hurt the readers out there who are still trying to get pregnant---after a loss or not. I want those readers to know that I promise not to EVER take this amazing gift for granted. I am fully aware of how blessed I am to be pregnant after a loss just 6 months after my last BFP. And although I hesitate to post all about this pregnancy because I worry I'll hurt others out there traveling my same path, please know that if I didn't post about this I would be the biggest phony blogger out there and I'm pretty sure nobody wants to read a bunch of BS on this blog. Big, big hugs to those trying to conceive, too---there can never be enough hugs, right?

Also, I am definitely not one of those second-time moms who says things like, 'I just don't have time to sit around thinking about pregnancy this time, so it's flying by. I'm way too busy with my toddler to remember how far along I am, or what fruit baby is, and it's not the center of my life anymore.' No, that is basically the opposite of what I am telling you today. Because my journey to get to this pregnancy is incredibly different than most of those moms out there who don't have the time to worry. (I guess I've managed to make time, then). It's just that when you are pregnant after a loss you don't feel comfort in the statistics telling us that we have less than a 3% chance of losing this baby now that we've seen a heartbeat. I've been on the 'rare' side of stats before and it hurts. Badly. It hurt me so deeply that I can definitely say I will be forever changed by my loss, which isn't necessarily a bad thing but I am painfully jealous of women who still have their innocent naivety about pregnancy. I didn't take a single belly pic until 11 weeks this time, nor did I have the courage to write any drafted posts until then. We didn't tell our parents until 6 weeks (and that was only because we needed their support in light of some complications I'll write about in a bit) and didn't tell most of our friends until much later, too. I guess I'm only telling you all of this to preface the fact that this first trimester has been mentally grueling, has landed me in some of the darkest moments of my life, and I guess I didn't expect it to be so hard. I just thought if I got pregnant again THAT was the ultimate goal and all would be right with the world. But oooh, boy---I feel like I just started the roller coaster ride of my life. It's also made me pray a little harder, a little more often, and I've found myself trusting God's plan even more than before---because let's face it, at SOME point I have to realize that I cannot control my life. Especially when it comes to getting pregnant and staying pregnant---that is all up to God's will, in my opinion. And I'm thankful that He is walking with me on this journey.

Dirty details...

After my surgery in June, my OB said we had to wait two cycles before trying again. We listened and then it was our second cycle of trying that yielded a big.fat.positive. So yes, we were trying---very hard. :) Harder than ever before because with Truman we got pregnant on the second cycle of 'half-assed' trying. With Wren we weren't trying at all. And this time we went ALL out. As I was enduring the dreaded two-week-wait before I could test I had basically convinced myself that this might not be our cycle either, and I started looking to the next cycle to plan the 'operation sperm plus egg' attack. I made a mental note that if my period had not shown up by 12 days after ovulation, I'd pee on a stick and hope for the best but I vowed not to test earlier than that. But then I started getting all psycho and over-analytical about every twinge of my body (who, me?). At 11 days after ovulation, I woke up and took my temp like I had been doing every morning and decided if it was even a fraction higher than the previous day I'd have to test then. And sure enough, it was up by two tenths:)

I went into Truman's room at 5:30 on Saturday, September 17 when he was awake and calling for me and we played a bit in the nursery while Nate slept. I was not even nervous at this point, just resigned to the fact that I would have to see a negative test because it would be either too early or I really was not pregnant at all. Eventually I decided to get it over with and dunked one of my cheapie pregnancy strips in my cup-o-pee, walking out of the bathroom without any true anxiety. For real. A few minutes later, after playing with Tru some more, I peeked onto the counter and saw a freaking second line, clear as day, without even using my magnifying glass or special infrared lights. I promptly began to cry, shake, and say, 'Thank you, God!' repetitively like a reproduction-obsessed robot. I went back to Truman and did a little happy dance with my unknowing toddler and then decided that I should probably use another test 'just for fun' because one is never enough to convince me. This was another cheap dunkable test but from a different packet all together. And guess what? Only one line. Cue the excitement slamming to the ground.

After a little confusion, wondering if that first positive test was a total fluke I brought out the big guns: an expensive digital test, reserved only for special occasions like a super faint second line that needed confirming (or a tie-breaker test, in my case). I dunked that puppy in the same cup-o-pee, capped it, and tossed it on our dining room table so I could keep a close watch on it while pretending to play with my boy. Oh yes, the crazies were in full-force by this point and there was no going back now---I willed that test to say 'pregnant' so hard I almost popped a blood vessel.

The little hour glass kept ticking away, deciding my fate as I sweated bullets next to the digital screen. And then, there it was. One word. Pregnant. It was for real, you guys. And sure enough---that one-lined test I had taken about 20 minutes before started to show a faint second line as well. Three tests all positive before 6 am on a Saturday = a pretty frickin amazing morning by my book. I was a whopping 3 weeks and 3 days pregnant which was definitely the earliest I've ever found out the big news. Sort of ridic, right? Gotta love testing early because it makes the first trimester just FLY by (sarcasm).

So my husband was snoozing away during all of this pee stick drama in the next room, mind you, and I just had to think of something half-way clever to break the news. I mean, I really wanted to run in there, jump on the bed and start screeching about second lines and digital words and pee cups but I figured that might not be the coolest thing to do to the man. Instead, I wrote on a little post it note: "Daddy, Mommy tested and it was positive! Love, Truman" and had my child hold that little note in his chubby hand until the sperm-giver was awake from his beauty sleep. Truman kept crumpling up the note so I had to keep straightening it out, but I know he was just excited to break the news to his dad.

Finally, Nate did come into the family room while T and I were watching truck videos on You Tube. I told Truman to give daddy the note and he did so with such pride that I swore he knew something big was happening. Nate just said, 'Oh, thanks, buddy,' sort of clueless and mostly still asleep. I watched him read the words and then watched his jaw drop open to say, 'No way! You tested already?!?' And then I was forced to spew out about a thousand words per minute explaining the three tests, hundreds of emotions, and overwhelming excitement over the results. And Nate totally got it and we hugged and smiled and said, 'we feel good about this one,' together. And we really did. We felt happy and confident and at peace.

Well as you might guess, that contentment feeling lasted about one day. Then the worries crept in and so began my inner turmoil. Do I embrace the pregnancy and possibly get really crushed again if we lost it, or just detach from the idea until it is 'safe' to get excited? I knew I would ask my OB to do blood work right away this time, to check if my HcG levels were doubling every 2 days and whether my progesterone was at an acceptable level, too. What I didn't know at the time is that those tests, and more specifically waiting for the results to come over the phone, were both a blessing and a huge curse. Not sure if I would do the labs again in hindsight.

My HcG did double perfectly throughout the four blood draws I received in those first weeks. But my progesterone started off sort of low, then did a dip to the 'definitely low' mark, before it came back up to an acceptable level and hovered. This was the first time I decided the pregnancy was doomed. Then the next day I spotted brown. I had a real breakdown that day and was convinced that I would absolutely have another miscarriage. But then things were going okay and I started to feel hopeful again. Until I was 5 weeks, 5 days pregnant and at a patient's home for a regular visit on a Monday. That day was probably the lowest point of the first trimester, by far.

I will never forget the feeling that, 'huh, is something dripping out of me right now? Wait. That doesn't feel right---it can't be---am I bleeding?!?!' All while in a patient's house, trying to care for another person and not totally freak the eff out about what just happened in my underwear. I somehow managed to wrap up the session and practically ran to my car where I sat in the drivers seat, unbuttoned my pants, and peeked into my undies to see bright red blood that had already soaked through my pants. 'Okay, now what?" I asked myself. I wasn't panicking at all, but it was more like, 'well, I guess this is how it's going to happen this time.' I drove to a nearby gas station and went to the bathroom to find a LOT of blood down there. Like enough that I had flashbacks to my disgustingly-prolonged miscarriage earlier in the year, which of course made me nearly hyperventilate and wish I could just curl up into a ball and get out of this nightmare. But again, somehow my rational brain took over and I just put on a new pad, wrapped my jacket around my waist, deciding that I HAD to keep working and refused to let my life stop over a possible miscarriage, and then I called my OB to inform the office of my bleeding nightmare.

The triage nurse somehow believed that bright red blood, and an absurd amount of it, was probably okay but she would have me come in to see the OB that evening 'just for peace of mind.' I was shocked that she didn't tell me flat out that, 'Honey, you are having a miscarriage' since that is what I already assumed. But I made it through the rest of my day, calmly texted my husband to say I was bleeding and would go to the doctor that night, and was sort of at peace with how it was all happening. I was sad, too, but I didn't really let myself get too worked up until we had answers.

Nate was able to meet me for the appointment, which was perfect not only for moral support but also because I had to get Truman from daycare right before we drove up to the office. I wasn't sure I could handle getting bad news while tending to my wild toddler at the same time. And I really wanted my boys there with me this time, just like they were when we had our bad ultrasound in April. We were all a team in this and we'd have to sort through the information together.

As my little family waited with me in the exam room, I laid back on the table and tried to talk to God. I wasn't in a bargaining mood, nor was I feeling particularly trusting. But we talked a bit while I stared at the odd florescent light shield that was made to look like the bottom of the ocean. It's really weird what happened next, but as I was staring at this illuminated ocean view, I imagined Nate and I as retirees someday. I thought about how we'd be 70 years old with so many stories to tell about our child-raising years, so many ups and downs that we'd forget a lot of the 'big' issues over time. I thought about Nate and I taking awesome vacations together over the next 30 years and how I want to snorkel and scuba dive with him again, just like we did on our honeymoon---and how this little ocean scene on the ceiling of my OBs office was like a sign from God. Life will go on. You will grow old with this man next to you (God-willing), with this amazing child on his lap, and who knows what the rest of the story will be. Either we will get this baby in May or not---but it's all going to be okay. We'll still look back on these years in our life and smile because they are undoubtedly some of the best I could imagine.

My OB came in and gave me a worried look, which I returned back to her. And then she brought in her ultrasound machine. I knew it would be super early to see anything at all but was happy we could at least get an idea of what my uterus was doing. My OB raised her eyebrows and said, 'Well, we have a baby....with a heartbeat. But I am worried about it.' Um, first---a heartbeat?!?! Before 6 weeks? What an amazing and unexpected gift from above! But of course it's not that simple.

She also saw a large bleed in my uterus called a subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH) that was much larger than the baby, about 4cm big. It could either be 1. The start of a miscarriage, or 2. Nothing at all. The overall message from my OB was that she was hopeful because this little baby had a heartbeat, a beautiful little heartbeat. But she had to be honest when she said that she hadn't seen a bleed this large turn out okay in the end. So we were in limbo. Again. A threatened miscarriage. And that night I did cry the ugly tears and began the grieving process for this little flicker of a heartbeat in my belly, because of course my stupid body would attack it and try to take it down. But after a long talk with Nate I came to realize that we had to hang onto the hopeful feelings. We couldn't begin to grieve yet because we had a real, living baby to focus on and we decided to choose optimism. What's that saying about how you can only control your attitude, but not what happens to you in life?

(our little baby with a heartbeat, and my dreaded bleed)

You might guess what happened next. I stopped bleeding. I had multiple follow up ultrasounds. And every time they would show the baby growing up a storm, the bleed shrinking away, and that little heartbeat getting more and more pronounced. Each visit left me feeling even more hopeful and it made my OB excited enough to say, at just 6w1d (3 days after my initial bleed): "I think we are having this baby, just so you know." I wrote those words down in my journal that night and would read them over and over if I started to feel anxious. By my 7 week ultrasound baby looked like a noticeable blob, by 8 weeks it was a gummy bear, and by my 10 week scan that baby looked like a baby---one that was moving around like crazy. And my bleed was practically non-existent but still hanging around. Being that the champion baby was 50 times the size of it now, when the bleed was easily 3 times the size of the baby in the beginning, I started to feel like my child was a fighter and was pushing that bleed out of the way.

In true Julia fashion, I did a ton of research on SCH's and found a lot of success stories online, many of which had even larger bleeds than me. They don't know why some women have bleeds like this but apparently bleeding in the first trimester is not too uncommon--happening about 20% of the time, and then half of those ladies will go on to having normal pregnancies. I have a hunch that going for a run and, ahem, having some adult playtime together the day before I bled may have something to do with my SCH. And so after that scare, I've been on pelvic rest and instructed not to exercise by my OB as well. A few months ago, I would have gone crazy without exercise but it's amazing how little I care about being in shape now that I have a little baby blob to worry about. It also helps that I've felt the first trimester ickiness----no desire to run at all. And if that means I gain 50 pounds this pregnancy then so be it, I honestly do not care one fraction of a bit. Priorities are in place. And really, I'm pretty lucky that my OB didn't put me on strict bed rest immediately after the bleed because a lot of girls have to wait it out on bed rest. We all know I'm not a good bed rest patient though, considering my OB caught me in Target before Truman's induction when I was supposed to be on bed rest. :)

We waited to tell the internets on the blog and Facebook until 14 weeks because we wanted to surprise Memaw with the news in person, during our Thanksgiving trip last week. If it weren't for that, I probably would have shared at 12 weeks but I really do enjoy waiting until it's this much more 'official' to blab all about the pregnancy to my internet friends. I hope you understand.

If you are still reading this, I congratulate you on your stamina. And now you are sort of caught up on the dirty deets of this pregnancy #3 for me. I guess this mammoth post should be expected when there is SO much to explain with such an eventful first trimester, huh? Hope you are ready for more pregnancy posts in the near future!

Baby Number Two, Take Two!

2011-11-29T06:35:00.001-06:00

Today is my lost due date with Wren. I was supposed to be having my second child today.

But I'm making this a happy, celebratory day instead of feeling sad because...

I am 14 weeks pregnant!!!

(taken September 17, 2011---pose stolen from Pinterest)

(my copy cat, a little worried about that pee stick, but requesting to get his picture taken with the same pose as mommy. And ignore the random tag taped to his shirt--he demanded to wear the tag from my yoga pants this day)

Due Date: 5.29.12 --exactly 6 months {to the day} from my original due date with Wren. Freaky and amazing, huh?

Truman and his sibling will be 27 months apart and we are all ridiculously excited to be expecting again. It's been a long/eventful journey already but oh, so worth it. Details to follow.

(and you can see why I couldn't keep this a secret any longer...)

Turkey Trip!

2011-11-21T20:42:00.002-06:00

We are headed out of town tomorrow for our first VERY long road trip in over a year. Although we have spent the past 5 Thanksgivings with Nate's side of the family, we are making the drive to Missouri to be with mine this year! Cannot wait, although I am petrified of the 8 hours in the car to my parents house, and then another 2 hours to Memaw's house on Thursday. We are also going to make a quick stop by St. Louis on Saturday and it's been way too long since we saw all of our STL friends, so I hope we can cram in as much 'togetherness' time as possible. Praying Truman sleeps a lot for us and isn't totally messed up with big changes in his routine---we are crazy enough to also bring Henry on this trip (yes, the dog who really hates to be in cars for long periods of time). I think we have lost our minds but it's going to be worth it!

So much to be thankful for this year----I can't even list it all for you right now. I promise to be reflective on my own time while shoving my face with turkey and taters and gravy. But mostly, just wanted to post pictures of my little man at Thanksgiving last year. It's quite the lesson in how quickly time will fly, whether you are ready for it to slip by or not. How was he this small only one year ago?

Thankful, indeed!

(also, is my blog the slowest thing to load in the entire universe or what? Maybe it's just me. But it's really annoying me right now)

Indoor Toddler Fun--results from my readers

2011-11-20T12:58:00.003-06:00

My last post about keeping toddlers entertained indoors lead to super helpful suggestions. Thanks for so many awesome ideas, mommies of the world--you rule. I tried to compile a big organized list here for everyone to read. I feel totally empowered to face winter now, I don't know about you!

PLACES TO GO:

-Indoor playgrounds: I did a little research on this one and found AWESOME places here in the Milwaukee area. The Big Backyard in New Berlin is about $8 per person. There is a Gymboree at the Brookfield Square mall and I do believe they have both free and paid classes, definitely going to check this one out asap. Then there is the Monkey Joes in Waukesha---adults are free and kids under 2 are just $5! I also found a lot more playground types of things listed in this article by JS Online. And I never really considered the malls of our area but I'm sure some of them do have indoor playgrounds and Truman does love malls for the people watching. Could possibly venture into the world of McDonalds, too, if it meant fun for my babe. Sign me up!!

-Museums: here in Milwaukee we do have the Betty Brinn museum which is geared towards younger kids. If I'm reading the site right, it's $7.50 per person if you are over 2 years old. Not too bad and if we love it, we could get a yearly pass. We also have The Domes here but I'm not sure T is old enough yet to really like this place--but one commenter mentioned they do have a trains exhibit starting Jan 15 so we will be trying it out then, for sure!

And also...
-Zoo (staying indoors as able, just did this last week)
-Library (we love our FREE Rhyme Time on Thursdays already!)
-Swimming lessons (our fave for Tuesday nights at the local Y)
-Land of Nod stores--playing with their toys laid out for kids to enjoy
-indoor gyms may have a $5 day for non-members (may check out the Y for this, too)
-Lowes/Home Depot kids workshops
-Local schools' ECFE classes

ARTS AND CRAFTS:
-finger painting in the tub, 'tub chalk', or these by Crayola
-finger painting while on kitchen floor, giant papers taped to ground, and then a bath after (non-toxic, Crayola paints recommended, or Color Wonder Paints)
-painting while in the highchair using pudding, shaving cream, yogurt
-playdough--the homemade 'salty' kind that kids won't really want to eat
-plain old crayons and coloring books
- 'window crayons' for only $4
-making a 'busy bag' for kids--love this idea!!
-markers, especially the 'color wonder' markers
-make colored ice cubes for fun in the tub
-watercolors
-paint with water books (yes, I remember these and loved them!!)
-Aquadoodle travel mat
-making window clings for each season
-using cardboard boxes to make a pretend rocket ship/fort and adding stickers for decoration
-making a weekly 'theme' for focus on which activities you will do together

GENERAL PLAY AT HOME:
-building forts out of couch cushions, chairs, blankets (did it after my first post, LOVE it!!)
-old fashioned games (works best with more than one child, I'm sure): Duck, Duck, Goose; Hide and Seek; Ring Around the Rosy'; Dont' Touch the Ground; Twister
-set up play dates with other kids and mommies
-indoor egg hunts, even with empty eggs
-making train tracks out of kleenex boxes, soda cartons, legos, foam puzzle pieces, etc
-putting out a tub of uncooked black beans, or rice, etc and letting kids play in that with their beach toys---like an indoor sandbox of sorts
-making a marble run out of paper towel tubes
-bringing snow into the bathtub
-science projects at home
-baking with mom, and filling old shakers with dried beans for good 'shake effect'
-swimming in the bathtub
-for Christmas time, The Elf on the Shelf tradition

Other websites/blogs with fun ideas:
-Navigating the Mothership
-Babble
-Play at Home Mom
-Frugal Family Fun Blog
-Rookie Moms
-Toddler Boredom Busters
-Pinterest --another reason to spend WAY too much time on this site

Indoor Toddler Fun

2011-11-15T11:36:00.003-06:00

I need help, mommas of the world!

I live in Wisconsin which means it's getting really frigid outside and will likely remain this way until about May. All of my go-to outdoor activities to do with Truman are dwindling fast as the temperatures drop and I'm struggling to find fun, CHEAP things to do indoors. I mean, I can easily take up an entire morning by hopping from the grocery store, to Target, to Walgreens, etc with mister man and he does love a little retail therapy. But really, there has to be a better way to keep him entertained, out of the house a bit, and keep our budget in check.

Let me start by what we already do for activities and then I'm hoping you ladies can help me build my toolbox, so to speak.

-loves puzzles, a few of his actual toys may hold interest for about 5 minutes
-of course there are Elmo DVDs, truck videos on the computer and educational stuff on TV. But I really try to limit the amount of time we are vegging out in front of electronics if possible.
-playing at the kitchen sink, pouring wa-wa all over the place
-helping me cook (this lasts about 2 minutes before he just eats raw cookie dough or whatever we are making)
-dance parties (turning up the iPod as loud as possible and JAMMING out to techno music--a fave for sure)
-helping me with laundry (ie up and down stairs a million times)
-the library (found an AWESOME story time for babies to 3 year olds that is free on Thursday mornings. Love that time of the week)
-swimming lessons (Tues nights---his favorite activity of the week by far)
-the zoo (have a free zoo pass, but as the weather changes it's harder to keep to the indoor exhibits)
-books (but this is usually our favorite before bed activity so he's not too into them during the day, too)

Ideas I've had but cannot quite execute:
-playdough (went well for about a week then he started ingesting it by the handful)
-markers/colors (so messy!!---is there anything out there that isn't so scary? Like those 'clear' markers that actually show up in color?)
-finger paints (again, so scary! Is there a clean alternative?)

So I guess that sounds like a lot of things but it's really not enough. Being home all day Tuesday, Thursday, and the weekends means I have a lot of hours to fill and I like having things planned to help the day go as smoothly as possible. Also, evenings after work are tough---not a ton of time to play and do things, but definitely enough to do SOMETHING other than cook and eat dinner and do bedtime stuff. Any local Milwaukee ladies know of fun indoor activities that aren't too expensive? Or non-locals---what do you do with your kids inside, while maintaining your sanity? I feel like there should be huge websites devoted to this type of thing but I haven't found anything yet.

And because I might as well spice up this post with something more fun, I finally uploaded our videos from August, September, October, and the beginning of this month to Flickr. It was quite the overwhelming project, let me tell you, but it's been bugging me for awhile now. My next project is to finally begin Truman's 2nd year album---another thing on my 'list' for months now, but since I accidentally deleted all of my digital scrapbooking supplies I've sorta been dragging my feet to start from scratch. But no more, my friends! I am doing this thing soon!

Oh yes, the videos. I will just show one or two because I'm sure you don't really care about them but my child is really entertaining, in my opinion. :)

For instance, what in the heck is this 'bird dance' that his daddy taught him?? Weird!

And this one goes to show you that the kid understands SO many words, and can say a lot of them too, but just with his own 'twist' on the original. So stinking cute, if you ask me.

Okay, now please give a sister some ideas for toddler entertainment indoors! Ready? Go!

Wannabe Photog

2011-11-13T06:38:00.013-06:00

I love taking pictures to document our lives, and obviously my favorite subject is Truman-the-one-and-only. I have a 'nice' camera but it's nowhere near a professional level. And photography has always been a fun little hobby for me, nothing more. Then when my friend Erin asked if I would snap a few pictures of their little family for Christmas cards, I got kind of excited. I mean, both Erin and I usually have our go-to-photographer Andrea to take our fabulous pictures each year but alas, she's busy snuggling baby G this year. :) I told Erin I'd do it but warned her I would be much slower, much less professional, and my pictures would be a lot worse than Andrea's and Erin patiently said she didn't mind at all. And so it was on! My first 'photoshoot' for a little family. And man, I did not expect to love it this much! It sure doesn't hurt to have one of the most adorable, photogenic families ever in front of my lens in addition to a glorious day for light. I just have to share because I'm loving so many of these images. And the pictures are sort of slow to load on this post because there are so many---but be patient (it annoys me, too, don't worry).

Then there are the pictures of 'just Henry'---the lively, precious 2 year old who is absolutely hilarious in person, and one of Truman's best buddies at daycare. Can you get over this grin?

And then we did a few maternity shots for Erin, who is due with baby #2 in February. Erin is one of 'my kind' who adores being pregnant and it obviously shows in these pictures. Talk about glowing!

(in love with the light here, the brightly lit wheat-grass stuff is so much fun and I love that the boys are randomly in the background)

(25 weeks and the perfect bump!)

(foreshadowing for baby boy's name...)

After our little 20 minute shoot, Nate and Truman met us all for brunch. And I cannot get over how painfully cute our boys can be when they hug like this! I die.

So yeah, a great morning was had by all. I got home and immediately jumped into editing the pictures because I felt like we'd gotten some really awesome shots. And now I can understand how the 'real' photographers of the world feel when they have a great shoot---it could be addicting for sure! But as I told Erin, I really don't anticipate doing this for real in the future. I guess I won't rule it out completely but I enjoy photography so much that I wouldn't want it to turn into a hassle, or take the fun out of it. So for now, I can just keep looking at these fun pictures of this sweet family and smile.

And now I guess I should think about my own family's Christmas card pictures...might need to get creative with a tripod this year...

Twenty Months

2011-11-03T20:22:00.003-05:00

The Truman Show is getting more and more interesting every day, folks! I mean, this is the first month that he actually peed AND pooped on the potty (and holding a hairbrush makes it even more authentic, of course)

And had his first and second swimming lesson at the local YMCA.

Also, his Missouri Grandparents came to visit at the beginning of the month and he has officially decided upon their names: "GoGo" for my mom and "PoPo" for my dad. He seriously came up with the nicknames all by himself and talks about them all of the time, now. I just love it.

So he has a 'GoGo' and a 'PoPo', then a 'YaYa' and a 'PawPaw'. Lots of fun names for grandparents around here---who knows if they will stick?

My child comes up with new tricks every day it seems, including his new robot walk where he keeps his knees stiff and spreads his feet apart as he walks, like a 'bot. No idea where he came up with that one but he will do it for us without being asked because he knows we totally dig it. And this goofy grin:

Truman is saying new words each day, too, and my favorite new one has to be 'Bay-bee' for 'baby' of course. He is so odd sometimes---I saw him go into his crib, grab his blankie and pull it out, then say 'Bay-bee' and start crawling around on the ground. I asked him if he was pretending to be a baby and he said, 'Yeah!' and kept crawling on his belly all around the house. I have to wonder if this is a bad thing, maybe regressing away from the 'big boy' mindset but it's so darn cute that I don't worry about it too much now. When I say, 'Truman, you aren't a baby anymore, you are a BIG BOY!', he just says, 'No, baby.' And then he points to himself. Sigh. Maybe I need to stop calling him my baby affectionately then, huh?

One sign that he is a total big kid now is that he prefers to walk everywhere instead of having me carry him. He demands to climb our stairs all the time, but of course going down the stairs is still a little iffy, and he's started walking into Lori's house each day now instead of me passing him off to her in the mornings. Not going to lie, the first day she told him to walk in the main room to see his friends, I really had to fight back tears watching that little body trot away like such a big boy. He doesn't even look back at me now, just walks right into the room and starts playing.

But of course, it's never THAT easy. He's gone back to a phase where he cries at daycare, after a solid 3 months of PERFECT reports from Lori each day. For a few weeks (right after he had the dreaded croup---which is what I'm blaming for this change) he'd cry at actual drop-off and I wanted to die every time, but now he doesn't cry for about the first 30 minutes or so. Then he 'remembers' I am gone, walks back to the kitchen, and sits on the stairs crying for 'Mama'. When Lori tells me this again, I want to die, and we've been trying hard to think of things to help him through this phase. I know he loves it there and must just be stuck on the idea that he wants his mom NOW and cannot wait for me to return, or something. Also, I really think a lot of this is because he's so freaking tired in the mornings that he doesn't know what he wants.

He is tired because he is still waking up anywhere from 4:15 to 5:30 most mornings. I am basically at my wits end with this particular phase, too, because I feel like we've tried it all. The only thing that seems to work is pumping him full of a ton of food at night, pushing his bedtime back from the usual 7:30 to around 8, and then if he STILL gets up at the butt crack, I will give him a bowl of dry cereal and a sippy of water in his crib. This usually works (for now) to help him fall back to sleep for another hour or so, but there are definitely days when he is just ready to start his day at 4:30. Ugh. So early. I know it's a bad habit to start giving him food and drink in his crib when he wakes up but honestly, I don't even care at this point. If he can fall back to sleep until 6 then I consider it a win right now. Because really, when he wakes at 4:30 for the day he is ready for a nap by 9 and then his whole day is just screwy (and mommy wants to shoot herself in the face if it's a work day---if it's a day off, you better believe I'm napping right along with my boy).

Other fun things this 20 monther can do? Stack blocks about 4-5 high, do simple puzzles on his own, point to all of his body parts, and understand seemingly every word that comes out of our mouths. The other day I was telling him that we needed to go and buy Henry more food and he said, 'Yeah!' and ran away, coming back holding Henry's dog food bowl. I didn't even know he understood that the bowl is where Henry eats, let alone that he needed more food in there. We've learned that we cannot mention the word 'swimming' unless we are literally walking out the door to go to his class, because once we mention that word he is done and cannot stop asking for 'wa wa'. Speaking of which, the child loves to play in our kitchen sink more than anything else in the world right now. It's not quite an independent activity yet because he did take one tumble off the chair and scared the bejeezus out of me as I stood a few feet away, but mostly he entertains himself there for at least 30 minutes at a time. Which in toddler time is an eternity, right?

Temporary tattoos still rule, trucks---and specifically garbage trucks---are like the most amazing creation ever, and throwing balls/toys/other inappropriate things is a favorite past time, too. He loves to eat yogurt, Kix cereal, bananas, pizza, and peanut butter toast but other than that, we definitely struggle to get 'real' meals in the kid. He's wearing all 2Ts and some 3T clothes by now and I guess him to weigh about 27 pounds or so? All I know is this child of mine is so freaking adorable and sweet and amazing that it really hurts my heart most days. Even when I'm a zombie from the lack of sleep---I still love the crap out of my babe. When he gives me a hug (including a pat on my back) and a kiss I feel more complete and satisfied than I could have imagined in my pre-Truman days. Toddler-hood isn't easy, and there are times I want to rip out my hair, but I still have to say that life is pretty darn good. Love you, mister man!

RAR!!!

2011-11-01T07:52:00.004-05:00

A day late, but none the less...

Truman the dragon says 'Happy Halloween!'

Not quite as unique as the Garden Gnome from last year, but at least this costume was only $10 at a big consignment sale! And this year he could actually trick-or-treat and loved every second of it, too. So.much.candy...and didn't want to take off his 'RAR' costume afterward. I'd say it was a success!

tidbits

2011-10-26T20:16:00.008-05:00

It's been awhile and although I didn't think I had much to post about, turns out I realized some tidbits to share. Bullet points necessary.

- Truman had his first swimming lesson on Tuesday night and I was nervous about whether he'd like the big pool in a new place or not. He LOVED the pool we visited this summer but you never know with a toddler. Plus, I sort of pulled some strings and although the registration online said kids had to be 2-3 years for this 'perch' class at the YMCA, the actual description said kids 19mo to 3 years. So anyway, I got him in the class but later wondered if maybe he wasn't too young for this 'second step class'. Well, turns out that we have a little fish on our hands because he was obsessed with the lesson! It is only 30 minutes long and full of songs, splashing, kicking and jumping off the side. Truman could not get enough, flirted with his teacher, and made us so proud---until we had to go and then he cried for 'more wa wa!'. I can see that these Tuesday nights are going to be pretty fun and instead of both Nate and I going each time, I might let the boys have some togetherness time just the two of them. I mean I DO hog Truman's 1:1 time a lot during the week so I'm sure Nate would like T-time to himself. I snapped my pictures from my phone this first session anyway, so I think my job is done here. :)

-So it's almost November, which means we are creeping up to my lost EDD with Wren. November 29 is probably going to be a tough day for me, but I'm glad it's a Tuesday so I can be home with my boy. It's really hard to believe that I should be extremely pregnant right now, ready to pop out a baby, but in some ways it feels like it was lifetime ago that I got my BFP in March. I think I wrote that out of my six closest girlfriends, 3 of them were pregnant and due within a few months of my due date. Well scratch that---all six of them WERE pregnant but now two of them have already had their babies (both little girls, congrats to Andrea and Lindsey!). Which means, I should be next. And I'm not. And this is a lesson once again that miscarriages suck and the grief doesn't really go away with time---it just changes. I'm definitely more at peace with everything at this point but I am certain that this loss will forever mark my heart in a way that I cannot forget. I'd like to think that the physical, emotional, and financial pain we've felt through this journey has given me loads of character, not just aged me by 15 years. But anyway, coming to terms with my upcoming EDD and feeling very reflective.

-in the same vein, October 15 was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I never made my loss public on Facebook, but I wanted to post something about it just the same. Here is what I posted, and I found it on a Bump chat board---just too perfect to summarize the importance of that day:

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Pregnancy and Infant Loss is not just something that happens to 'somebody else'. It happens to your sister, your friend, your coworker, the girl who checks out your groceries. It affects many families every day. Today I am remembering all the babies who were taken too soon from the families who wanted so much to have them in their lives

-Not related at all, but did I ever mention that I officially dropped my half day of work on Thursdays? Yep, I work Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays now and TOTALLY dig this extra full day at home with mister man. It's amazing actually, and I feel even more in balance with my mommy/PT roles in life. Nothing like working only ONE day in a row....ever, right? Nate wanted me to sign something in blood saying I would be satisfied with this newest drop in my hours forever. I just smiled and said, 'I'm very happy right now, baby.' And left it at that. I love messing with my husband, pretending that I might push to stay at home someday but in reality, I am truly happy and blessed with my current set up in the work force and don't see that changing in the near future.

-Sort of related: we have decided to make our first house hunt official at the beginning of the year! We'd like to get through the craziness of the holidays and then after the new year get approved for a loan and start searching for our first home! I am so freaking excited and yet terrified, you don't even know. Mostly, I am becoming even more obsessed with HGTV and specifically House Hunters, My First Place, Property Virgins, and the newest amazing-ment: Property Brothers. Um, have you seen this show? Two brothers that find you a 'diamond in the rough' house way under your budget, then transform it with your remaining money into the most badass house ever. I TOTALLY want to apply to be on every single one of these shows but mostly Property Brothers. Any idea how to actually get on these shows? Research to follow.

-A big happening around here? Truman pooped on his potty last week!! I about died from laughter and then almost cried because he is just so freaking adult-like sometimes. But really, the timing was just very lucky because he wanted to pee (has gone about 7 times in the potty now, I'd say) and after he did that I just asked if he wanted to poop, knowing he hadn't gone yet that morning. He simply said, 'YEAH' and then started grunting, also placing both hands on the floor in front of him. It was hilarious and gross all at once. Then once he produced a little turd he stood up, stared at it, and pointed saying, 'Poo Poo'. Gah! My son is a genius!! I of course did what most normal moms do (right?) and snapped a picture, texted it to Nate, my mom and my grandma, and then wondered if that was inappropriate. I really REALLY want to share it here too because his face in the pic just cracks me up, like: Did I just do that? So I blurred out the actual poo and I hope you don't mind. I feel like blurry poo is much better than actual logs, right? And now I have become that mom who talks a lot about poop. So sue me.

We flushed the poo into the big toilet and waved 'bye bye' to it, and now my child loves to talk about his poo going bye bye. Ah, the life of a mom. Iloveitsomuch.

-Can we discuss the glory of pretzel buns? Have you tried them yet? Is it just a Wisconsin thing? I just did a little search and the brand we buy is called Pretzilla and it's a Milwaukee company, but I swear you all must hunt these down in your grocery store. The burger buns are like pure heaven in your mouth---a little soft in the middle with the firm outer shell of a pretzel. I am not kidding, I could eat a bun of pretzel every night and pair it with burgers, chicken, turkey sandwiches, ANYTHING and it's amazing. You can thank me later. Unless you have been eating these for years, in which case, why didn't you say something earlier??

-so the Brewers actually had a great season this year and even made it to the playoffs. When my parents were in town visiting earlier this month (did I even post about that? I am an awful blogger, btw) we decided to get tickets on a whim because the Brew Crew played the Cards. That day it was basically 400 degrees outside for Milwaukee in October but the game was SO much fun. Went with my dad, Nate's dad, and Nate and the Brewers pulled out a win that day (we won't discuss the final outcome of that series, however). This reminds me that baseball games are incredibly fun to watch live in the ballpark but totally awful to watch on TV (at least in my opinion). Also, it was very scandalous for me to cheer for the men in blue, FYI. I'm surprised I didn't get more hate comments on Facebook for that one, but I've lived here for 4.5 years now. I think it's time to embrace Wisconsin sports, no?

-If it were a few years ago, I would have devoted an entire post and 100+pictures to this cause, but um...Henry celebrated his 6th birthday on October 18! He is such a great doggie and we love him dearly. Poor babe has certainly experienced some major life changes since Truman was born but let's get real, he still has an amazing life so don't feel too sorry for him. To celebrate his aging I am getting him groomed tomorrow....since it's been almost 3 months since the last time. Whoops! Also, this iPhone pic shows Henry on his birthday with my son---who demanded to wear socks with sandals that morning. You pick your battles, people.

-we tried to enjoy the last warm days around here by going to our new favorite park, where I snapped this picture. And seriously, he looks like me here, no? And also he looks 16 years old but let's not talk about that.

-I finished all three Hunger Games books and loved them. Does that make me a teenager again? No? Well what about the fact that the next Twilight movie comes out next month and I'm practically salivating over the visual in my head for the honeymoon scene. Drooling now over it---so again, I must be 14 at heart, right?

-I think that is it and I better stop now, before I just keep writing more Truman updates and using up all of my information and pictures before his 20 month update comes next week. I'm sure I can find more to ramble about by that p0int anyway, don't worry.

Daycare Options

2011-10-24T20:08:00.000-05:00

I've been wanting to write this post for awhile now, but lo and behold---I've been in a blogging slump lately. Can you tell by the silence around here? Let's fix that now.

A few of my new-mommy or pregnant friends have asked for my opinion on daycare options, since it really is one of the bigger decisions working moms will have to make. I'm by no means an expert on the matter AT ALL but I have had the privilege of experiencing a daycare center, an in-home daycare, and also my father-in-law watching Truman so I feel like I have a little insight into the many options of child care out there. Of course, I have to throw out the disclaimer that my experience with these types of settings cannot generalize to everyone else----one center is going to be vastly different than the next, and every in-home caregiver is going to have different pros and cons, too. But I think it's important to touch on this subject anyway in case it does actually help someone out there trying to make some tough decisions.

Also, I want to address something I know I've said before: that daycare is not the devil, and it doesn't need to be viewed as 'paying a stranger to watch my child'. Nothing irks me more than that phrase because it implies that you are being forced to pay your hard earned money for something that is scary and awful and sad. Not true, my friends. If you find the right daycare provider they become a part of your parenting team, quite the opposite of that 'stranger' picture the world has painted for us working moms out there. Sure, it takes some research and visits and 'hunting', if you will but the time it takes to test the waters with daycare providers is well worth the effort, in my opinion.

So let's start with a daycare center and talk about pros and cons, shall we? I had Truman in a hospital-affiliated center when I worked at my other job from the time I went back to work at 12 weeks until he was about 6 months old (when I left that job and found a new one). I really loved a lot of things about this center but of course it had it's cons, too. One great thing about a center is that it's state regulated and has to pass inspection and requirements by law. I like that 'strictness' about a center a lot. In the infant room, where Truman was the whole time, there always had to be a 4 baby to 1 adult ratio. That sounds like a lot of babies for one adult but they really did have it down to a science. I was always impressed how they could flex another 'teacher' in and out of that room depending on the numbers, so that there wasn't a time when there was more than 4 kids to one adult. I also liked that the center was always open during their regular hours, meaning they didn't get sick days even if a teacher was sick, because they could find more staff to fill in as needed. I liked the rooms in this center because they were very organized and set up for a lot of fun time and learning time, with the cribs off to the back and in a dark area so the sleeping babies could actually sleep. They did a great job cleaning off the 'mouthed' toys because they really had it down to a science in there, and overall I kind of liked the idea that there were SO many families using this center. The hustle and bustle of the parking lot alone was kind of neat, seeing the older kids playing together like buddies made me excited for Truman to grow up and have friends there. Also, I loved that they had an outdoor playground area for kids to get fresh air there.

One con of the center is the price, no doubt. I was very lucky with our center because as a hospital employee, it was considerably less there than most places. As a point of reference, we paid about $45 a day there and most other 'normal' centers in our area are easily $60 or more. When you add that up, assuming you are going 5 days per week, you are looking at $900 per month versus $1,200 per month. Both are HUGE chunks of a monthly budget but again, you are paying for great care of the most precious being in the world, right? Another con for the center was that they had a dreaded 'shift change' in the middle of the day, so that when I showed up at 5 to get Truman the caregivers there had only been with him for 2 hours and could tell me nothing about his whole day. Yes, they fill out little 'report cards' each day which is great, but I wanted a verbal report too and it was so irritating to hear, 'Oh, I just got here, so I'm not sure.' Annoying. And overall the staff there was incredibly kind and friendly but since there were usually 3 regular staff members there during the day, then another 2-3 there in the evenings, that is really a lot of different 'teachers' to get to know. I felt like Truman couldn't ever really get attached to any of them since there was always someone different, if that makes sense. I think the final 'con' for the center was the concept of changing rooms based on age---going from the infant room to the toddler room meant the babies had to meet certain requirements. I found that idea sort of stressful, like what if Truman isn't ready to move on but they make him do it anyway? Or will that brand new room with new teachers and kids be too much of a change for him to handle? I guess this could actually be seen as a pro for the center, too, though, because it does sort of get them ready for school in a sense, changing grades with time.

Now for an in-home setting, I think you will find a wide variety of caregivers and rules and experiences. Truman is at Lori's right now and I can definitely say that we love having him there and wouldn't trade it for the world, but I'll try to be as un-biased about this 'review' as possible. One of the nicest things about an in-home setting is the one primary caregiver there. I know there are homes that have multiple caregivers but for us, it's just Lori. We have gotten to know her so well that she is really a big part of our lives. During my loss Lori was absolutely amazing: she cried with me the day I told her, because she has had a rocky past of pregnancies as well. She offered to take me to my surgery if Nate couldn't get off work. She offered to watch Truman extra early if we needed to drop him off for my appointments. It's just really amazing how you can connect with the in-home caregiver and I value her so much. I am so glad there isn't the 'shift change' at the center with Lori, and I can always get a full report from her in addition to her little progress report she writes in our notebook each day. She truly loves my boy and with her 31 years of experience as a caregiver, she certainly teaches me things frequently about my babe. Another amazing aspect of an in-home setting is the price: we pay $35 per day there and only going three days per week means we pay only $420 for a whole month. Yes, compared to the possible $720 we would pay for three days a week in a center? Amazing savings.

Which brings me to another point: I know we are very lucky to have found a place that allows 'part time' care. A lot of centers make you pay for 5 days of care no matter how many days you actually need (we were able to do four days at the center we used, but we paid more per day for that luxury than if we sent him five days per week). Some require you to have the child there full time or they won't take them. Lori wants the kids there 3 days per week as a minimum and a lot of the families do send their kids there part time---flexibility is so helpful for situations like this. I love that I can choose to work on a Thursday instead of a Friday, and Lori usually has no problem switching Truman's days around for me, too. If I'm running late after work I just give her a call and it's usually fine---not that I ever keep him there past her preferred time of 5 pm, but it might be a lot more strict at a center. I know at our old center we had to pay $5 for every minute we kept Truman there past 5pm---so I'd be scrambling my butt off to get there during a busy day at work.

Also, I love that Truman will basically grow up with the same core group of kids ranging in age from 4 years old down to newborns. There isn't a room change or a teacher change, so he can really bond with the little group there. Some of the older 3-4 year olds can be very protective over the young ones and even help Lori grab diapers or things like that, so I can see how it's like a big family there. Again, I suppose this might be viewed as a con at times, too, because he isn't exposed to tons of kids over time but I don't mind it.

Some of the cons for an in-home center are that it does not have to be state regulated, and they can really have as many kids there as they want (I know some are licensed/regulated, but not all of them). There are days that Lori seems to have a ton of kids under her care (I think 7 is her max) but somehow she makes it work so the kids are entertained, well-fed, and clean. I think she does this by extreme organization---grouping the kids together according to age and getting them on schedules for naps, eating, playing, etc. Of course, for every really busy day when the place is busting at the seams, there are the days when Truman might be one of two kids there when I go to get him after work. So the numbers debate comes with both busy and slower days and overall, my child is very happy and well-cared-for there, so I don't let myself worry too much about how hectic Lori's day must be when she has a lot of children in her care.

Another thing that is a lot more challenging with an in-home setting is getting the kids outside to play in the fresh air. Truman does get to play outside when Lori doesn't have too many other kids to watch, and I know the kids help her in her garden pretty regularly. But there isn't a playground or anything really physical out there which might be nice as Truman ages. I guess some in-home places may have access to better outdoor play, especially if they have more than one caregiver, but this is one con for us. I like to think that Truman gets a lot of outside exercise with me on my days off with him and on the weekends, so it really doesn't matter too much for his days with Lori.

And finally, another con for an in-home setting is that they can definitely take sick days or vacations, which will leave you to find alternate coverage or make you take time off at your own job. It hasn't been too much of an issue for us because my job is so flexible, but Lori does take two vacations a year and during those weeks we have to patch together a few days of alternate care. A center wouldn't be able to do that, I'm pretty sure, which is nice.

I'll briefly talk about having a family member watch your child, but in reality my father-in-law only watched Truman two days per week for about 2 months last summer (which was GREATLY appreciated, since he used all of his time off to do this for us!). I will say that it's automatically assumed that having 'free' daycare from a grandparent is a no-brainer for the massive amount of savings you get to have, and the amazing bonding experience you can see between your child and their grandparent. However, it does bring about it's own share of challenges, like when the grandparent isn't being as strict as you'd like them to be---sometimes it's hard for them to be a disciplinarian and authority figure when they really just want to be the fun grandparent, and I totally get that. Or if you don't see eye-to-eye on something with how to guide the child---how hard would THAT be if you are getting their time for 'free', so you feel like you should just be thankful and not complain. But sometimes there will be times when you have to step up and let your opinion be known, which I'm sure places a strain on your relationship with the grandparent, too. So overall, yes---it's going to save you hundreds if not thousands of dollars in a year. But there will be other 'costs' if you will since nothing in life is free.

There you have it---my deep, insightful thoughts on daycare options. I realize it's pretty specific to our personal experiences but maybe some of it can generalize to others. Just remember that no daycare will be perfect because nobody will do it just like YOU do---it's pretty hard to let go of full control when it comes to caring for your children. And man, it's a hard job to do, right? But if you shop around and really get to know your options, you can make the best decision possible for your baby. And if you get into the place and feel like something is 'off'---it probably is, and you should always listen to your gut and find a new place if needed.

A few pictures...

Truman's very first day of daycare (at the center):

And his first craft project for Fathers Day 2010:

Why haven't I taken any daycare-related pictures since June of 2010? Mommy fail.

Nineteen Months

2011-10-04T19:02:00.006-05:00

My boy just keeps on growing up and these monthly posts seem to happen all.the.time now. The month of September was full of both highs and lows. And lots of kissing temporary tattoos on forearms.

Yes, one of Truman's newest obsessions are tats. Especially tats of trucks, of course, and we have to place them on BOTH arms at the same time or the entire world falls apart. Now that it's gotten colder outside we've moved them from his forearms down to his hands for easy access for kisses. And yes, he really does kiss his own tattoos without being asked to do so. Freaking adorable! Maybe he will have a full sleeve of ink by the time he's 20, and if so hopefully one will say 'I love Mom'. :)

This is how he shows us his muscle pose---flashing the 'ceps for all the ladies out there.

Aside from temporary tattoos, other obsessions of the month include doing puzzles (which he can actually place the right pieces into the correct slots now, blowing my mind), hunting for working trucks in the neighborhood/You Tube, and anything Sesame Street. Although Elmo still holds a soft spot in Truman's heart as his main squeeze, we've noticed that Grover, Cookie Monster, and even Bert are climbing the ranks of obsession with our boy. He's still not really watching TV at all, since he is quite incapable of sitting still for longer than 2 minutes, so online clips of videos are our go-to thing right now. I really don't mind having a babe that prefers to be on the move instead of sitting in front of the tube, but I know there's a lot more time for that in the future perhaps. For now, though, playing with mommy and daddy is still number one. And we aren't complaining!

Truman got his first set of golf clubs this month from his daddy, after Nate went to four different stores around town finding just the right set. Pretty sure they were a major hit and we are in awe of how great Truman can hit those little balls around. His hand-eye coordination is pretty insane at this point and I'll go ahead and sound like a crazy soccer mom here but Truman might be sort of athletic in the future. If not he will surely be number one at throwing tennis balls towards the garage door/dog/glass windows.

Also, Truman is really REALLY into killing imaginary bugs. Sometimes it's a little creepy, like--um, do you see something I don't? But mostly it's hilarious and animated. Here he is winding up for the kill. Or maybe getting ready to do a backhandspring. And note his favorite 'RAWR' pajamas that he demands to wear during the day sometimes, too.

His language just keeps exploding and he's definitely putting two words together now. He will say, 'More wa-wa' or 'Mama down' along with lots of hand gestures to get his point across to us. I think his favorite new word has to be 'purple' and it just so happens to be the only color he really knows now, too. In our big bucket of sidewalk chalk, he will dig through until he finds the two purple sticks and clearly say 'purple' while he draws with it. No idea where he learned that word, or why purple is his fave, but I dig it. But one word I could do without for awhile longer is his new-found love of 'NO'. Can't believe we made it to 19 months without this vocabulary word but he was always a 'yes' man until recently. Truman definitely has his opinions on everything and it's a good thing he has such a killer smile to flash, right?

This month Memaw came to visit us and we had a total blast with her. Truman warmed right up to his great-grandma and the two of them had some secret little games they'd play in the backseat of my car that were only for them. We went apple picking one day and I couldn't help but think to myself, 'How did my baby get so big?' as I watched him strut his stuff up and down the aisles.

One really cool and somewhat shocking thing from this month is that Truman is starting to show interest in potty training. Well, maybe not full-blown 'interest' but he's starting to notice when he pees or poops in his diaper. I've noticed that in the past 2 weeks every single time that he pees or poops he will tell me by gesturing to his crotch, patting it, and grunting a bit. I ask him if he went potty and he'll say 'YEAH' and then point to his nursery, where he walks and asks to be changed. I wasn't planning on even thinking about potty training until 2 years but maybe it's time we think about it a little sooner? I think it has a lot to do with how icky it must feel to have a dirty cloth diaper---since I haven't noticed him pointing it out to us in disposables. We'll see if I have the energy to tackle potty training any time soon.

One of the downer events of this month was Truman's first (and hopefully last) experience with croup. Poor baby had a fever for almost a whole week, congestion, coughing and general misery for us all right during Memaw's visit. It could have been a lot worse but it was still awful and I'm so glad he's finally feeling well again. Nothing like a sick child to make work and everything else in the entire world seem totally insignificant. And once again I'm reminded that my flexible job is perfect for this time in my life, when I might have to miss days of work to stay home with my boy.

But one of the 'ah-ha' HIGH moments of this month has to do with sleep. You see, Truman was getting into a really tiring habit of waking every single day at 5 am. Then that started creeping into the 4 o'clock hour and I had to draw the line there---it's never okay to start your day at 4:30 if you can avoid it, right? He was getting so tired by the time I took him to daycare at 8 he'd fall asleep on the car ride over there and then be totally off all day. I knew something had to change but I could not figure out why he was waking SO darn early every day! I mean, the child was seriously ready to rip for the day at that time and didn't even seem tired when I stumbled into the nursery in the middle of the night. I decided he might be hungry because he's been pulling the stunt of not eating much dinner at night, choosing to run around and play instead. So one night, after dinner but before his bath, Nate made Truman a yummy smoothie full of frozen fruit, yogurt, juice, and protein powder for a little extra 'stick to your ribs' kick. Truman downed that bad boy and slept until 6:30 the next day, and thus I announced the smoothie experiment a total success. We make him a protein smoothie almost every night now, and most of the time he'll drink it and most mornings he'll sleep until about 6. But of course, we still have our 5:30 mornings and our challenges with keeping him still long enough to eat a real dinner. Baby steps, people. Waking any time after 4:30 is a gift gladly accepted by the bags under my eyes as I'm sure many of you can understand.

So that's Truman at 19 months---an Elmo lover, in all of his glory.

And one to find heavy machinery anywhere, including an apple orchard.

I love you little big man. Bring on month 20!

Truman's pick of the week

2011-09-17T19:39:00.004-05:00

Perhaps this will be a regular installment on the ol' blog and perhaps not, but I get a huge kick out of seeing Truman's obsessions change frequently and with intensity. Why not make him a reviewer of sorts, so that he can share his current love with the whole bloggity world? He definitely has specific tastes but he's not always easy to please, so his pick of the week will most likely be completely random and entertaining.

This week? YouTube videos of trucks, and specifically two amazingly hilarious ones that have Nate and I humming their tunes all day.

First, with 4 million hits you bet your buttons that other moms of boys (and girls?) have these lyrics memorized right along with our family. I wish that this song could be my ring tone because it's really amazing and full of awesomeness. Also, I wish I had a video of my husband singing this song in his creepy voice because THAT should be on You Tube for reals.

Second, one that only has 21,000 hits but is still sure to please. How else can parents learn the names for working trucks? And Truman loves to point and say 'ooooooh!' with each new truck that appears while we discuss our favorite type. Educational and fun = win win.

Hope you enjoy these truck flicks as much as Truman, and that you are singing 'this is the work I really love, 'cause that's what an excavator does!' until you fall asleep tonight. Hee hee.

He looks JUST like...

2011-09-13T21:00:00.003-05:00

When Truman was 6 months old I did a post comparing Truman's baby pictures to mine and Nate's. I decided it's high time to revisit this argument that 'HE LOOKS LIKE ME, TOO, OKAY?!?' Because really, although my husband is a looker and I don't mind that Truman takes after Nate, I'd like to think that I had something to do with my son's adorableness as well. After all, I did help out in the DNA pool and did the entire gestation thing, so sue me if I'd like to hear that my offspring resembles me just one teeny tiny bit. :)

Also, it's really, REALLY fun for me to hunt on iPhoto as I look for similar facial expressions between Truman and his parents as toddlers. I got way too much enjoyment trying to find just the right one of T to match the old school version of us. Also, can I just say again that it astounds me how few pictures our parents have of us as children? Both of our parents did a great job documenting our childhoods in pictures but still---just four pictures for a whole month of life? HA. My digital camera that is begging for a break smirks at the 80's from afar.

First: I think we know where he got his ugly cry...

But don't worry, pretty sure this is my gigantic smile, too...

And 'aloof'---he gets that blank stare from me...

And just to be fair, I decided to include pictures of baby Nate, too. Aren't these two boys freaking adorable?

Their grins aren't too bad, and I can definitely see the resemblance...

Baseball caps. A cutting stare. Swoon...

So there you have it. Thoughts? (ie, please agree with me and say Truman has at least one percent of his momma in him, okay?)

Eighteen Months

2011-09-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well. One and a half years old, huh? Truman is officially not a baby anymore you guys, and this milestone really seems to make the whole 'toddler' concept set in stone. Back when Truman was just a few months old, I remember trying to imagine what life would be like with a toddler. I think I must have pictured myself literally running from room to room, chasing after him as he tried to get away from me and test the limits. And honestly? My prediction was dead-on as I find myself somewhat out of breath at times as I sprint around the house to perform tickle torture on mister man, just to hear his amazing giggles. And so now I'll throw in my standard statement I say every month: "This is my favorite age yet!"

The crown jewel in this post is going to be this, my friends: we have successfully gotten rid of the freaking pacifier this month! Can I get an 'Amen'? I realize that it wasn't that much of a crime since he only took it for naps and bedtime (and still, I don't get how he even became addicted to the darn thing since he never liked it until he was a year old!), but MAN it feels good to conquer that beast of a paci. It was seriously messing with my head cause I was all, 'We HAVE to get rid of that thing sometime and it's going to suck so bad I can taste it,' and Nate was all, 'Yeah, but why rush it? Let's just wait a while longer.' I mean, anytime you mess with a sleeping routine you are playing with fire, right? So you want to know what worked for us as we trampled the hell out of that drug named 'Ni-Ni'? Truman got sick and sucking the paci hurt his mouth, so he wouldn't take it. More on this sickness later, but we had to act fast and be smart here---although he didn't want the beloved pacifier for a few nights, he certainly came to his senses after that and downright demanded it when he was well. But me and my hubs? We remained calm and tough and didn't give in. And now all of the pacifiers are magically gone and packed away and I could not be happier to say goodbye.

So yeah, The Sickness That Nearly Caused Mommy To Crack was awful. In laymens terms, it was Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease and I've decided that virus must have been created by the devil himself. It started with a little fever, then I noticed a few teeny red dots on Truman's feet. We found out Truman's daycare buddy, Henry, had the same symptoms at the same time and the poor boys were the only ones at daycare to get it. No sleep (woke every hour, for reals, and refused to nap), couldn't eat because his mouth sores must have hurt so bad, and wore his cranky pants for about 4 days straight. I couldn't go to work and we had to bail out on a trip to Missouri because Truman was still contagious and we were not pleasant people to encounter anyway. When the sores went away we all literally felt the sun shining on us again and agreed that HFM was the worst virus we've ever encountered and we pray it never touches us again. I'm not trying to be overly dramatic because I realize there are much worse illnesses out there and I'm grateful Truman is almost always healthy and recovered quickly. If anything, our little week-long sick-ville made us appreciate 'normal' days and I cannot imagine having a chronically ill child.

(the first day of the spots---they got a lot worse than this, and sorry if this makes you squeamish. I had to provide visual evidence of the hell, though)

In July his favorite activities revolved around garden gnomes and India Aire, but in August? No way, dude. Every phase lasts about a week and then he's onto something else, but with the same intense obsession as before. For instance, every.single.morning Truman wakes up yelling for me and begins his quest for the trifecta. When I enter his room he immediately starts signing for 'milk' and whining. Once he gets his milk, he says 'bowl' requesting a bowl of dry cereal (preferably Kix). After those two things are secured he says, 'Melmo' meaning it's time to wake up to our favorite red, furry puppet! He'll sit in his orange big boy chair and watches some of the Elmo's World DVDs we finally bought for him, while sipping milk and munching on cereal. It's pretty cute but incredibly redundant, if you ask me. His attention span is definitely better when it comes to TV watching but it's not like he'll just sit still and watch a full DVD all at once---he has to break free and run around a bunch, too. But finally starting a DVD collection (almost all Elmo, of course) was a good decision on our parts and I have a feeling we'll need to start limiting the TV time soon.

(hey, ladies. Wanna ride?)

Other obsessions include: throwing things just for fun (usually toys, rocks, sand, and balls) and even pretending to throw imaginary balls; discussing the whereabouts of each and every family member (T: Dada? Me: Daddy's at work. T: YaYa? Me: Grandma's at work. Etc, etc, etc); sidewalk chalk; swinging a golf club at a volleyball (Nate's proudest moment); and working trucks. There is some construction going on in our neighborhood and we frequently walk down to watch the trucks do their thang for literally an hour at a time, sometimes. I sort of feel like a creepy mom, just standing there staring at the men working while my son stares with big eyes and finger pointed, but the boy is obsessive. He still loves his BOB stroller and enjoys long runs with mama and Henry dog. He still loves all strangers and will flirt with anyone within a 5 foot radius. And his most favorite thing on the planet has to be ice cream. Can you blame the boy?

(and TRUCKS! Firetruck, to be exact)

It's amazes me to watch Truman process the world around him. He understands so much that it sort of frightens me at times. One time Nate asked T if he was 'ready to roll', because we were getting ready to leave the house. Now, anytime Truman wants to go somewhere or thinks we might be leaving for an errand he'll say, 'roll, roll, roll'. I mean, seriously? He'll see me getting my running clothes on and he'll say, 'Bob-a' for the stroller, and he'll go dig through my closet to find my running shoes for me. Amazing. He saw us trying to kill a few mosquitos down in Florida and now he'll go outside and pretend to hunt them down, clapping his hands together dramatically as if to smash a skeeter that isn't really there. Yeah, imaginary play is coming back from a few months ago and it just cracks me up every time. His language is still improving and I think he's tacked on another 10 words this month to make the total about 35 or so. So basically, this child is growing up into a little boy and has left his baby days in the dust. Sob.

(goof ball)

(so intense on vacation, all about throwing sand)

He is still wearing mostly all 24 month or 2T clothes and I think he might be tall for his age. A lot of strangers ask us if Truman is 2 or 2.5 years old and that always shocks me a little to hear them guess he's much older. Because in some ways, the last 18 months have flown by in a blink of an eye but yet it seems like a different lifetime when we didn't have Truman in our world. So I'm doing my best to stop, soak in the moment, and really enjoy my big one-and-a-half-year-old boy right now. And there is a lot to enjoy!

(summertime fun with our buddy Henry!)

(and with his buddy, Charlotte)

(just hangin with dad)

(and swingin with mom)

(showing off his sidewalk chalk artistry on his best friend, Henry dog)

What a summer we've had! And notice that most of my pictures are from my iPhone now---easier to catch a toddler in action that way.

The cost of a loss

2011-08-31T11:30:00.000-05:00

Has anyone out there had the pleasure of dealing with medical insurance drama before? If so---you might totally feel me on this post. And if not, you are incredibly lucky and maybe you should read this anyway in case you are ever in a similar situation. I feel like SOMEONE has to learn something from this horrible journey we've been on since April and I'll gladly share my story in the name of helping someone else beat the bad guys and come out on top. Where to begin? This might get long. And maybe a little sad.

Well, first of all, Nate and I have always felt very strongly about always having medical insurance no matter how expensive or inconvenient it may be. It's just not worth the risk of having a catastrophic accident wipe us clean of our savings because we didn't opt to pay for a policy, assuming that since we are healthy we don't need insurance. That's just our mindset and I know not everyone thinks like us, but even after all of this ridiculous drama with insurance I still vow to always carry a policy no matter what.

Earlier this year, when I decided to change companies with my job, I knew that there would be a gap from the time I left my old company in March to the time when my new company would qualify me for benefits in July. We were planning on Nate carrying all of the benefits for our family when he began his new job, and that would get us insurance by June 1---so we still had a good few months when we needed to patch in a policy for our family.

Enter the confusing world of an internet 'self' policy, not provided by an employer! We found Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield online and figured it would work out just fine for those few months, although the premiums weren't cheap at all (about $300 per month for our family) and the deductible was high ($5,000). We knew it would cover any major catastrophe past the 5k mark and it was really the best we could do without employer coverage. The one catch was that it did not include maternity coverage---something we knew way back in February when we selected the policy. But we were not planning to expand our family or 'try' to get pregnant and I personally figured that if I did happen to get pregnant in those few months before Nate's employer kicked in, it would only be one or two office visits before his coverage, which we could handle if we were blessed enough to be in that position.

And then, of course, I got my surprise BFP at the end of March and immediately called the OB's financial office to figure out how much one office visit and one ultrasound would cost us out of pocket. I had calculated that I'd only have to see her with Anthem for those two early appointments, and then by the time I hit 14 weeks we'd have Nate's policy and I'd be due for regular maternity visits and they'd all be covered. If I had only known then what was about to unfold.

If you've been reading my blog since April you know that during that 'out of pocket' ultrasound at 9 weeks we found out the worst news possible. I remember saying to Nate, while we waited for the doctor to come into that wretched ultrasound room, 'What if they want me to have a D&C? That is going to be SO expensive and not covered by this stupid policy!' He reassured me that we'd figure it out and my health was most important but I couldn't help but wonder if maybe somehow I could postpone any interventions at all until June 1, when Nate's policy would cover the surgery. I was just praying to pass the baby naturally, fully, and without the need of any help from my OB. But those prayers were definitely not answered and we began a horrible journey full of many complications.

I remember the day before I went in to finally get the Cytotec placed, to force my body to begin the bleeding it refused to do on it's own. I spoke with our insurance company on the phone and discovered that although our policy did not include maternity coverage, lucky for me it DID include 'pregnancy complications' for coverage. I really felt that God had to be making this happen for us, because there was no way for us to have known that we'd need this little clause in our policy more than ever.

Of course it's never that easy. I had a total of 4 more ultrasounds, medication placement that didn't work, multiple blood draws, a particularly nasty ER visit and hospital stay, then switched to a different OB and finally got the surgery I should have gotten from the beginning. If you are like me, you just read that last sentence and started hearing 'CHA-CHING' in your head as you pictured the enormous bills to follow such a complex course of care. But hey, lucky for me my policy covered 'pregnancy complications,' right? Ha.

As the bills started rolling in, we noticed that not one dime was covered by Anthem. And the grand total for the entire nightmare? Brace yourselves: $17,000.

GULP.

I knew in my heart that we should not be responsible for these bills. I knew that our policy clearly stated they cover miscarriage, and 'therapeutic abortions' (don't even get me started on this term for a D&C). I had the policy itself circled, highlighted, and practically memorized. And so I began to call Anthem at least twice per week for months. Every time I spoke to a rep, I tried my hardest to ask questions and get answers. And every time I felt like I was banging my head into a wall. They kept telling me that the diagnosis code used by my doctors was not covered under my policy. They would not TELL me what the freaking code was, so I had to talk to my OB's office a few times to figure it out, and after discovering that it was 'missed abortion' I felt more disgusted than ever. I mean, really? The 'A-word?' Talk about a shock to my heart--as if I purposely chose to lose this baby.

I did more research and discovered that there is NOT a code for 'miscarriage' as that isn't the technical medical term. The doctor's offices were using the correct code, then (as sad as the word was to me)----but my insurance still wasn't budging. There were even more phone calls to them, including one time when I couldn't take it anymore and just burst into tears saying something about 'Please stop treating me like I'm a number or a code---I just lost a baby should not be paying for thousands of dollars in bills, according to your stupid policy!' Not my finest moment but there just aren't words to describe the sadness and stress of paying hard-earned money for the loss of a child. It's one thing to pay for the birth of a child. But it's quite another to come home empty handed, with a broken heart, and more bills than I could have imagined.

There were definitely times during this struggle with Anthem when I really felt like giving up because I just wanted to move on with my life. Most all of the doctor's offices and hospitals had 'self pay' policies for patients who don't have insurance, and if mine wasn't paying a dime I could probably qualify for those discounts (which were only about 25% at the most, by the way). So we figured that if Anthem really didn't pay we were looking at about $13,000 or so out of our pockets. Technically we could pay this giant sum but only because we've been working so hard for the past four years to save up a 'down payment fund' for our first home. I realize that not everyone would be able to even fathom paying this amount of money and it might set some families back by years. Of course I'm extremely grateful for our financial situation, but that money was not supposed to go towards a loss of a baby. Especially not when our policy clearly stated, in black and white, that they'd have our backs in this case. And isn't this type of 'catastrophe' exactly why we wanted medical insurance? To cover us during a horrible, unplanned event? The more I thought about that idea, the more angry I got with Anthem and I refused to go down without a major fight.

I sat down and created a huge Excel spreadsheet with every single claim listed, so that I could keep track of everything. I documented every single call I made to Anthem and the doctor's billing offices. I asked to speak to supervisors and I tried to remain calm. I had already written a formal 'grievance letter' back in May, after one of my calls to Anthem's fabulous customer service department lead me to believe that would be the only way I could dispute my bills. I didn't really think too much about this letter, since I thought it would take months of ambiguous decisions made by faceless people behind the scenes. I really preferred to speak to someone in person about this issue because I believed that would be my way to convince them all that I was right. But finally, I asked my husband to take over calling Anthem for me because I could no longer mentally handle the stress of dealing with them. He agreed when he saw I was teetering on the verge of yet another breakdown.

And two things happened: First, we got a letter in the mail stating that my grievance letter had been reviewed by a committee and they thanked me for bringing my case to their attention (gee, three months after I wrote the darn thing). They said that they were reversing their decision to reject my claims, and agreed that everything should be covered under their policy. HALLE-freaking-LUJAH!!! And secondly, my husband can be a badass when we wants. When he called Anthem for his first time, he simply told the lady that he would not get off the phone until she personally figured out how to fix this problem, since she admitted that she was confused about why everything was being rejected. Turns out that our policy is basically the only one they have that covers pregnancy complications. Nearly every other policy does not cover them and therefore the computer automatically rejected my claims, because almost all of the time they don't cover 'missed abortions'. And it only took four months for them to figure that out, you guys. Nobody in the dozens of calls I had made before bothered to really look at the problem and figure out they needed to manually override the computer system. It wasn't the doctor's office using the wrong code---it was the insurance company not recognizing a correct code.

Even though we still have a 5k deductible to hit before Anthem really does pay for claims, it's amazing to me how each bill has been drastically reduced because we now have insurance 'covering' the claims. For instance, the total bill for the ER visit and brief hospital stay was almost $7,000 before insurance. And after the bills were 'adjusted' for allowable claims? Only $2,200 will be paid by us, going towards our deductible. Isn't that just insane? That doesn't mean that our insurance paid the difference (because they didn't pay any part of it), but the hospital just had to eat the rest of the total cost that nobody is paying. I could go on and on about how messed up insurance coverage is in America today but this is already ridonkulously long.

And according to my most recent calculations, after everything has been re-processed, I think we will pay the deductible and that is about it. We'll still need to recover financially from this big hit on our savings but nothing like what it could have been if we didn't fight for our coverage. Although I really considered giving up the fight just to move away from the pain much more quickly, I'm so glad we stuck by our guns. And I'm so glad my grievance letter worked---it must have been the two glasses of wine I downed while typing it. Oh, and of course my heroic husband's phone call didn't hurt, either.

If you made it through this whole post, I commend you. I guess I just had a lot of pent up thoughts and stories about this process. And I just want you to know that if you are banging your head against a wall with your insurance company you are not alone. But stay strong, go through whatever formal processes they suggest for a grievance, and keep meticulous records of all bills and all interactions on the phone.

This whole craptastic situation is yet another reason why I'd consider moving to Canada, if it weren't for the pesky fact that it's even further north than Milwaukee (and therefore colder, and past my limit of frigid weather). Not only do my lovely Canadian friends get a whole year of paid maternity leave, but they also wouldn't be paying a dime for this stupid fiasco. Love ya girls, but SO jealous right now.

Suffering a miscarriage is bad enough for anyone and I'd never wish it on my worst enemy. Throw a little financial drama into the emotional mix and you have a recipe for a serious breakdown. Just ask Nate---he's seen the effects first hand and it wasn't pretty. But I suppose it taught us a lesson in persistence and if we are EVER in this type of situation again, I'm having Nate make all of the calls from day one:)

7 meme

2011-08-27T09:00:00.000-05:00

Because I have become such a lazy blogger (ie one who posts so infrequently it's amazing I still have readers), I usually don't partake in any 'tagged' posts or any giveaways. But when Leah tagged me in her 7 meme post, I was intrigued and thought it would be fun to take a walk down memory lane, remembering times when I actually did post a lot. I guess it will be 4 years of blogging this November----so 606 posts later and I should really be able to complete this tagged post with no problem, right?

What this is about:
To unite bloggers (from all sectors) in a joint endeavor to share lessons learned and create a bank of long but not forgotten blog posts that deserve to see the light of day again.

Rules:
1) Blogger is nominated to take part
2) Blogger publishes his/her 7 links on his/her blog – 1 link for each category.
- Your most beautiful post
– Your most popular post
– Your most controversial post
– Your most helpful post
– A post whose success surprised you
– A post you feel didn’t get the attention it deserved
– The post that you are most proud of

3) Blogger nominates up to 5 more bloggers to take part.
4) These bloggers publish their 7 links and nominate another 5 more bloggers
5) And so it goes on!
6) The site Trip Base is sharing the best posts from participating bloggers on their blog and everyday on Facebook and Twitter at #My7Links
________________________________________________________________

My most beautiful post:
Probably this one---I wrote it to Truman on the last day of my maternity leave. It still sort of makes me want to cry just thinking about how emotional my return to work was for me. Being on the other side of the whole transition, knowing that we are both thriving with our current work/home balance, I am much more at peace now. But it was still a very special post to me.

________________________________________________________________
My most popular post:
I got the most number of comments on this post, when Nate posted Truman's birth announcement for me --116 comments from happy readers who followed my dramatic labor and delivery and wanted to hear the outcome!

But a close second was the exact opposite of that happy post---the one where I announced our pregnancy loss got 112 comments. I really love that I have been 'virtually' supported through the ups and the downs of my life on this blog.

________________________________________________________________
My most controversial post:
Honestly, I am not the most controversial blogger. I tend to stay pretty neutral on the 'hot topics' and choose my words very carefully if I DO think what I'm saying will ruffle feathers. I guess I'm just a big pansy that way:) I think that when I posted about The Best Birth topic, I was most concerned that it could be too controversial for some and I might get some opposite opinions posted in the comments. Lucky for me, my readers tend to be pretty nice to me even if they disagree with my statements (now, watch---this will jinx it and I'll get hate emails)

_________________________________________________________________
My most helpful post:
Hmmm, probably my posts about pumping as a working mom, found here in part 1 and part 2. I think I probably get the most 'thank you for posting this information' emails from readers about this topic so it must help someone out there.

Or maybe the ones I've written about cloth diapering, and how it works for our family. Those tend to be linked to quite often, too.

Wait, can I choose a third? Apparently I consider myself a very helpful blogger:) This post about my DIY upholstered headboard gets a huge amount of hits according to Google Analytics, which is sort of funny because it's so old that the images are all blurry now.

_________________________________________________________________
A post whose success surprised me:
Maybe the post about Truman being a garden gnome for Halloween? I didn't really think everyone would like it as much as I did, but apparently it was a big hit.

__________________________________________________________________
The post you feel didn't get the attention it deserved:
I never really thought about it before, but I guess any post that gets less than 10 comments seems like it wasn't really popular to me. So maybe Truman's 12 month post, since it only got 5 comments. But then again, I had just done two maybe three whole posts on his birthday party itself and then another 'one year' post to Truman so more than likely my readers had already commented multiple times about the fact Truman turned 12 months old:)

_________________________________________________________________
The post you are most proud of:

Just to be wild and stray from all of my mommy-posts, I'll go out on a limb and say that my post about running a full marathon has to be one of my proudest accomplishments.

Or maybe one of my anniversary posts, like this one for our second anniversary, when I get to remember how much fun we had at our wedding and how lucky I am to be married to Nate. I really like that second anni post, too, because I have the video of our actual vows embedded into it and I love hearing those words all over again.

_______________________________________________________________
so here are my five bloggers, although I know some of you might have already been tagged. Again, I'm lazy:)

Jenna at That Wife
E at Oh! Apostrophe
Erin at It's All Happening!
Molly at A Day In Mollywood
Mary at Girl Stand Still

Vay-Cay

2011-08-23T21:00:00.000-05:00

Doo-dee-doo. Don't mind me. I've just been a bad blogger again and sort of dropped off the face of the earth for a bit, no? Let's skip the explanation (there is none) and apologies and get caught up, shall we?

So our family embarked on a very special journey last week. It was our first official family vacation and actually, the first 'real' vacation of any kind since Nate and I celebrated our first anniversary in San Diego back in 2008. Sickening. MUST make this whole 'real' vacation thing a habit somehow because it was mind-blowing-awesome.

I'm sure I could make the report about our trip very elaborate, taking up about 3 separate posts, with all sorts of details. But I'm not really feeling that type of thing right now, so I whittled down the 630 pictures I took from the trip down into about 35 pictures here. It sort of hurt my brain to choose the cream of the crop pictures, by the way. I'll also include some text and funny stories and tips on traveling with a toddler, too, just to go above and beyond a picture dump. Aren't you proud of me? :)

The deets: we flew out of Milwaukee on Wednesday, August 17 and returned home on Sunday, August 21, so that was 4 nights and 5 days away from home. We went to Fort Myers, Florida, and stayed at The Pink Shell Resort with our buddies, The Millers. They have an adorable child I've mentioned many times on this blog named Tilly and seriously, she and Truman together are almost too much cuteness for my heart to handle. At just 3.5 months his elder, Tilly really did capture Truman's heart because he is still talking about 'Til-Til' and requesting to see pictures of the 'poo', which of course means 'pool'. Is there anything better than two adorable children, with four fun adults, playing in the sun/sand/pool without a care in the world? Well, besides trying to get said toddlers to sleep in foreign and weird cribs in a totally different environment---that put a damper on the whole 'carefree' thing.

We arrived to the resort before the Millers and we just HAD to check out the pool immediately! This is one of the three pools, and possibly Truman's favorite. Zero entry, tons of fountains, and made of salt water. Amazing.

Um, the fake palm trees even sprouted water. In heaven. And trying really hard to be in SOME pictures during this trip since I'm normally so bad at remembering to step in front of the lens.

Our little beach bum. All grown up and loving the life in Florida.

My boys.

We packed a cheap pair of water wings with us but were skeptical they would work, since they are for kids over 3 years old. But seriously, these things are both adorable and totally helpful in keeping a heavy toddler a float in water that isn't zero entry.

On vacation = lots of ice cream. This is my new favorite Truman picture of all times. And yes, I know that is a bold statement.

Thursday morning, the children discovered the sliding doors to our balcony. And also, note the fun pajamas by both.

The dads went off to golf (surprise) so Hannah and I were on baby duty. We hit the beach and then pools over, and over again from about 8 am until 11 am. Then it was time for lunch and naps. Really, this morning routine was super easy and amazing and I miss it already. Why can't we always spend our mornings on the beach and at the pool??

Strutting his northern stuff.

Tilly became enthralled with putting sand on Truman's hat. He didn't seem to mind.

That afternoon after the men came home, we all went to Sanibel island to explore another beach.

There were a ridiculous amount of shells here, so many that it was almost painful to walk out into the ocean on them. But also beautiful.

Why does my little man look like a red head here? And also, how is it possible to get a tan when I slathered on SPF 55 multiple times per day on that precious skin?

Let's discuss the fact that Truman is 100% boy and would be happy if we allowed him to throw sand, shells, and all beach toys 24 hours per day. This is him telling me that 'MOM THIS IS SO AWESOME, WATCH ME THROW THIS SAND!!' before he let a handful go.

I remembered to get one of our whole family, too. Proud of myself. Also, I tan easily. My husband does not. End of story.

Thursday evening was the night the Millers made dinner for us all (we had a full kitchen in our two bedroom condo---highly recommended!). The children were particularly adorable out on the main balcony while dinner was being created. Also, I love evening light near the beach.

And then it was Friday morning! Truman pulled his usual 'let's wake up before the sun rises' stunt in Florida, but honestly----being up before sunrise when you can watch the sky turn colors over the ocean is WAY better than in Wisconsin. And this image of my boys eating breakfast and chatting in the wee hours of the morning makes me happy.

See? Sunrises are awesome.

Tilly is up and I force them to sit next to each other for a shot. Obviously they are thrilled.

The men went off to golf yet again, so Hannah and I did our new fave routine of beach/pool/lunch/naps. I wanted at least one sand-writing shot. This one fit the bill.

Oh and my little stud with rolled up pant legs, because this suit is impossibly long. He could totally pull off the man-pris but I prefer that he doesn't:)

Snack break with goldfish crackers. Did I mention that snack foods were god-sends during this entire trip?

I noticed this fun sign by the pool, leading to the beach. Please note the yellow sign, second from the bottom. We are a long way from home, no? Also, as noted on Facebook when I posted this picture, pay no mind to the fact they spelled Cincinnati incorrectly. Whoops!

Friday afternoon, when the dads were back and kids had napped, we all went to the pool for some family/friend fun. Except the wives requested that the husbands man the parenting detail while we enjoyed some 'us' time lounging in the sun. As expected, that lasted about .2 seconds as we followed the kids/husbands around and snapped pictures. This is my second favorite shot of the whole trip. Pure happiness.

And after a little family walk on the beach, I remembered to step in front of the camera again instead of behind it. Truman is very excited.

And Tilly is seriously the most hilarious toddler ever. She loved sunglasses and T's water wings. Very intense, this one.

After that, it was our turn to make dinner and the babes had to show off their bods a bit in just diapers. I just can't help myself---blackmail pictures, yes. Adorable? Double yes.

After dinner we went to the nearby pier and got ice cream, then walked around a bit. Truman was on a sugar high at this point, and I just love this shot of him and his daddy. Again, the evening light here is divine.

Note to self: since makeup is not really allowed on vacation, at least try to keep your hair from being totally wind-blown to avoid the crazy mommy look. But whatever, this is a cute picture anyway. Even though my jaw is basically dislocated here from Truman's body.

Sunset at the ocean is also magical, just like sunrise.

Saturday--our last full day together---the men decided to skip golf and hang with us all morning. Very good decision, if you ask me. They would have missed this adorable moment when both Tilly and Truman wanted to get up on the beach chairs. And of course, I scrambled to get my camera for this shot---oh so worth it, right?

That night we all went out to dinner and it was yummy and quite entertaining, with the children. For instance, Truman was very pleased with his appetizer of goldfish and wanted to show it off to all of his new-found girlfriends: the teenage waitresses.

And the only one of our whole crew. Don't we look vacation'd?

Sunday morning, waiting to go home at the airport. My men looking handsome as always.

And please note Truman's arm tan lines. And the gut. That is still there, for sure.

As far as the actual traveling part went, here is the scoop: one of my requirements for this trip was to find a location that would allow a direct flight down. After my last escapade with a 12 month-old Truman (hint if you aren't clicking the link or remembering the drama---it involved massive amounts of poop and an impossibly small airplane bathroom. And a lot of sweat), I knew that I could not mentally tolerate a layover of any kind. The less time in the air, with the least amount of stops the better, really. So a flight from Milwaukee into Fort Myers takes approximately 3 hours and although this was Truman's fifth round trip by plane, it was certainly the longest by far. I sort of freaked out while packing because I seriously could not comprehend how I was to entertain a 17 month old in a confined space for 3 whole hours. Also, I had images of those tiny bathrooms flash before my eyes and shudder at the thought.

My biggest advice for flying with a toddler (which is a million times different and likely harder than flights with kids under one year) is come with an endless bag of goodies. I had all sorts of fun snacks stashed away, plus a whole sippy of milk (no issues with security this time, unlike the many times I brought breast milk and fretted over the idea of needing to dump it out). Also, I went out and bought about 4 brand new Elmo books for Truman's delight mid-flight, and didn't reveal them before we were in the air for added excitement. We even bit the bullet and purchased a portable DVD player after much debate, and also bought about 4 DVDs (Elmo included, of course, and Nate picked Blue's Clues---not really sure why?). This DVD player can also be used in the car for future road trips, so that pretty much sold me on it's worth in our lives. And overall, both flights were fine with these tools for entertainment. On the trip home he was incredibly overtired and had simply had enough by the time we were descending, plus he refused to drink his milk so I'm sure his ears were killing him. We all survived just fine but let's just say I still don't anticipate us flying with Truman every month or anything crazy like that.

We also brought our own car seat, since our Sunshine Kids version does fold down and has a carrying bag. We used a tiny umbrella stroller for Truman in the airport and of course Nate had to bring his golf clubs. So if you are keeping track, not even including actual luggage we already had a heap of crap to lug around with us. Somehow we managed to each bring one 'small' carry on bag jammed with our clothes and all of Truman's gear, and then we each had a small personal bag to carry on as well. Mine was the diaper bag of goodies, of course, and basically we didn't have to pay to check anything except the golf clubs since car seats and strollers are gate checked for free. SCORE!

Oh, and we got our own rental car and installed our car seat in there for Truman, and the Millers also got their own car, too. The whole process of landing from the plane, getting luggage, finding the rental car, installing the seat, and driving to the resort seemed to take forever but it was still our best bet instead of doing a cab or something. Plus it was really nice to have cars there so we could explore the area a little bit and the boys could golf.

And there you have it---our first real vacation as a family. I hope we make this an annual event because it was much needed and completely worth all of the time we spent planning and prepping for it.

Seventeen Months

2011-08-01T08:00:00.005-05:00

I'm ALMOST to the point when I can drop the monthly count on Truman's age and just settle for 'one and a half'. In fact, I was brave enough to say he is 'almost one and a half' the other day when a stranger asked. But of course, inside my head I was screaming 'SEVENTEEN MONTHS---HE'S ALMOST SEVENTEEN MONTHS'. It's hard to 'round up' and not feel like my baby is growing up too fast, you know? I don't even enjoy skipping ahead one month of his life but I guess at some point the yearly count should suffice.

If you are looking for us during the summer, you'll probably find us outside. Truman LOVES being outside and lately he wants to hunt for big trucks, city buses, large vans, and motorcycles. And don't even say the word 'train' to him or you will witness a freak out. When we hear a big bus go by us during a run or an errand, he immediately gets the widest eyes and points and says ''oooooooh!" Gotta love my boyish boy who loves transportation vehicles!

(we've been swimming SO much this month and I still can't get over his adorable suits. Getting ready for the Florida beaches next month!!)

(T at our favorite local pool's giant sand box)

The month of July made me realize that my son can be quite obsessive at times, on a one-track-mind for whatever he wants at that very moment. A few months ago he was literally obsessive about playing with our clock radios every morning. Then it was all about picking up sticks outside. For a while there he could not stay out of the kitchen, pretending to play with our pots and pans non-stop. But now all of those things are SO lame and we are onto bigger and better obsessions.

(speaking of obsessed, I cannot get over T in a baseball cap, polo shirt, and cargo khaki shorts. Something about little boys wearing preppy 'man' clothes makes me giddy)

(true dat)

Best thing in Truman's life #1: Elmo. More specifically, Elmo videos on You Tube. And even more specifically than that? The video of Elmo and India Aire singing the ABC's. Seriously, this is my biggest parenting tip of the decade (for the moment, at least)---during any tantrum, if I ask Truman to watch Elmo with me, he immediately stops his wailing, starts to grin through his tears and says MELMO!!!! I mean, the video has 27 million views, so I'm pretty sure I'm not the only parent inviting Elmo and India to be a part of our parenting team right now. I think we might have watched it close to 100 times since Elmo was discovered by Truman about 2 weeks ago. Ridiculous, right?

(T watching his beloved India and Elmo, and also loving himself in the iPhone. This kid cracks me up to no end!!!)

Best thing in Truman's life #2: Garden gnomes. No, the irony is not lost on me for this one, since I did dress him up as a gnome for his first Halloween. Let us remember the amazingness for a second, shall we?

Smiling, aren't you?

So anyway, my mother-in-law bought a garden gnome for Truman to 'hide' in different spots of her yard and flower garden. He runs around the yard with his hands up as if to ask, 'where in the heck did I put that guy?' When he finds the gnome, he'll immediately put his hand up to cover his mouth and fake laugh loudly, then point at the gnome with a proud finger. This game can continue for hours if you are up for the challenge. The little unassuming gnome is only made of hard plastic but the daily, strenuous, physical demands placed on his tiny legs by mister T just became too much. With every new 'hiding' spot came another sudden slam onto the ground. A few times he was strategically placed in the middle of the driveway and his poor plastic shoes couldn't take the pressure anymore. Little gnome became a bilateral amputee so many times that even super glue would not mend his broken body anymore. And so, the foam platform emerged which Truman finds incredibly hilarious. The gnome's broken legs are basically jammed into a foam pad---how can you not laugh at that? Also, we got a second, more stable gnome to go along with our disabled first. Both of these gnomes are like gold to Truman as he constantly requests to go outside and play with the 'no'.

(his disabled gnome on a platform)

As far as communication goes, Truman's speech has exploded this month. I counted 25 words he can say, although a lot of them are only distinguishable by me or Nate at this point. I mean, duh---of course 'rah rah' means 'frog', right? :)

(trying to get him to show off his vocab, but my bad---I mentioned an item outside and then it was game over.)

Although Lori constantly assures us that Truman nearly eats her out of house and home every day he is there, we are certainly struggling to get anything past that cute little mouth of his besides granola bars, fruit snacks, and crackers. He'll down milk like it's his job but getting something nutritious in him isn't quite as easy. The Pediatrician did say that his calorie consumption will probably slow down now and not to worry if he won't sit still long enough to eat dinner with us anymore. I mean, how dare we try to keep Truman from exploring the whole house and great outdoors by such a LAME, peaceful dinner? I just hope he doesn't actually turn into a fruit snack with the sheer number of them entering his digestive system. But you have to pick your battles and this is not one I'm choosing at the moment since he's still growing like a weed and eating well at daycare. He's in all 24 month or 2T clothes and I'm guessing he might be about 26-27 pounds or so. Mostly he seems like he's grown inches since his 15 month appointment, but I guess we'll see at his 18 month visit. I think our boy will be tall. Shocker!

(speaking of daycare, T and buddy Henry at the zoo. Tell me that toddlers hugging isn't the cutest thing ever!)

Oh, and he's trying to feed himself now. It's hilarious and usually semi-successful. That is, until I let him use a huge adult-spoon with jello. Then he got a little mixed up:)

I don't know if it's the summer heat, or our extremely busy and 'purposeful' days around here, but Truman has been sleeping a lot better lately. Well, his naps are freaking amazing and most days he'll sleep in until 6 or later, so that is a success for us, too. He has been consistently napping for 3 hours or more every day at home with me now and it's freaking fantastic to get that time to recharge my own batteries, too. We've discovered that if we hold him off until 10 or even 11 for the nap it goes much better. Also, if we keep his bedtime to the 7-7:30pm range, he really sleeps a lot longer in the mornings. A few nights we let him stay up way too long until almost 9 pm and we really regretted it at 4:30 am when he was ready to start all over again. Lesson learned, I suppose. Also, a month without a new tooth was a pretty sweet break for us in the sleep department, too.

(and just look at all of those teeth!)

(me and my boy at the zoo)

Truman is definitely a full blown toddler now, full of opinions and the need for instant gratification. If I try to redirect him away from something he has decided he NEEDS to do right that second, he will definitely freak out and let me know that my authority is not appreciated. But honestly, for the most part, Truman is still incredibly laid back, happy, and dare I say it....EASY. I mean, as easy as a 17 monther can get, I guess. I was chatting with friends the other day, talking about the frustrations of raising a toddler. I sometimes forget how good I really have it with Truman's temperament because I can honestly say that I've never had a 'lose my mind' moment with T. Sure, I've been frustrated when he won't calm down or throws a little fit over something insignificant. But thankfully I can usually distract him quickly and get him back to his happy ways before it wears too much on my sanity. Trust me when I say I know I'm extremely blessed to have such a happy child and I pray that he stays this way forever. Who knows, maybe his teenage years will be our payback for a relatively simple toddlerhood?

(his first Dum Dum sucker and I chose the blueberry flavor. Silly mommy!!)

He really isn't naughty too often, but he does have this new trick: he'll put his fingers in both ears while I'm talking, pretending not to hear me. Hilarious or scary? You decide.

Remembering back to Henry's puppy days, we would die laughing from his nightly 'puppy attacks' when he'd just run around the house like a mad man, trying to get rid of all the remaining energy before passing out for the night. I swear that Truman has 'baby attacks' sometimes---he gets totally wound up for no reason. Well, usually it has to do with his main man, Raffi, and beloved Henry. But sometimes, when the mood hits him just right, he is out-of-his-mind crazy and we love it. Observe:

Pepaw (ie Truman's great-grandpa and my regular-grandpa) came for a quick visit this month and it just reiterated how loving Truman can be to 'strangers'. Sure, he's met Pepaw before but he warmed right up to him as if it were no big deal to play with someone he's only seen a few times in his life. I just love this shot of the two extremes of our four generations:

So that is my babe at 17 (ALMOST ONE AND A HALF YEARS!) months. Again, it's definitely my favorite age yet:)

Nine years

2011-07-25T20:35:00.005-05:00

No, my friends. 'Nine Years' doesn't refer to the amount of time it's been since I wrote an interesting post on here. It's our dating-versary tomorrow. Let's reminisce, shall we? Because seriously, these old posts I linked are hilarious and I used to post a LOT about random stuff. Miss it.

The time we 'first met' and then later became boyfriend/girlfriend on 7/26/02 (more later). We were seriously just 21 years old (ahem, well okay---I had just turned 21 and Nate still had a few months to go. And thus, he was only 20. GASP! Robbing the cradle, wasn't I?)

Then there was the infamous dropping of the L-bomb, also in 2002. In Spain. In a thick fog of Spanish cigarettes and unidentified alcohol.

Oh, and how about that time when Nate popped the question in 2006? That was a fun one. I still remember the sweaty upper lip I had. And Henry's big dooce on the floor to celebrate.

We got married in 2007, and after that is when the fun REALLY began. You know, transitions and such. Moves. Blogs. Grad school. Marathons. Pregnancies. Baby. Etc Etc.

But mostly I want to talk about how nine years ago, on July 26, 2002 Nate and I decided to put a title on our relationship. This was us, nine years ago. Such babies: To say that 'we've been through a lot' is truly the biggest understatement of the year. I'm not going to get all mushy about my hubs tonight because there just aren't words. But I will say that when he just saw me typing on my blog the following conversation occurred:

N: 'What are you blogging about?'

J: 'Nothing. Do you even know what tomorrow is?' (said with the classic 'I'm testing you, dear husband' look on my face. I've had 9 years to perfect it, you know.)

N: (silence. Scared look on face. Quick search on his laptop for tomororw's date) 'Our 10 year???'

J: 'Not quite, nine. But good try'.

N: 'Baby, you know I can't keep track of so many anniversaries.'

J: (thinking to self at first, then out loud) 'Wait, how many do you think we celebrate?'

N: 'Two. It's a lot'.

Ah, my dear husband. I wouldn't trade you for the world. And yes, I really do love you more today than I did back in 2002. You silly frat boy, you. :)

The Fourth

2011-07-09T19:00:00.000-05:00

Something about holidays make me get all nostalgic and thoughtful. There's just something about repeating the same celebrations year after year that force us to reflect on the past and imagine the future. Fourth of July was like that for me this year.

The big Fourth that always comes to mind was in 2009. I had taken a pregnancy test that Friday after work and it was negative, and I was sort of bummed but okay with it because that meant I could have yummy beers downtown during the fireworks. Of course, little did I know that 3 days later I'd take another test and get a totally different result----mister Truman made his presence known. But that night of the fireworks downtown (with the yummy beers) I had fun with my new tripod. And Nate and I snapped pictures of each other, too. Fond memories...

And then last year in 2010---we had a chubby, four month old baby boy to celebrate. My parents were in town for the Fourth and I remember going downtown for the same fireworks while my father-in-law stayed home with Truman. I think I remember having to pump right when we got home because I was totally engorged from being gone so long. Again, ahhh----the memories.

And now this year in 2011: we have a long and lean 16 month old toddler to celebrate. We are still healing from our loss of baby #2, remembering my recent pregnancy test and 'final' drink before that test, just like the memories from the Fourth in 2009. But overall, this Fourth was a happy one filled with friends and festivities and not too much grief. Just a twinge of sadness mixed in with lots of contentedness.

We went to the Farmer's Market in Madison on Saturday with Dizzy, Andy and Charlotte and met Kelly and Jon there as well. Charlotte and Truman were born on the same day and I absolutely adore seeing them interact. Mostly they couldn't care less about each other's presence but sometimes they like to take things away from each other in true toddler fashion. Aren't they the cutest?

And the weekend of the Fourth we also pulled out our brand new blow-up pool. Truman wasn't too thrilled at first but by our second attempt, he was all over that bad boy. And can we please discuss his amazing swimming suit??

Whoops. Got a little mad at Daddy here.

But Dad redeemed himself by playing 'water the gut' with Truman. Works every time!

On the actual holiday I had to work for a few hours, so Nate and Truman and Tony all went to the local parade. Truman desperately needed a nap but he was a total trooper and hung in there for a bit. They busted out the back-carrier and it was a hit! Nate took these pictures for me, in my honor, and I am pretty impressed!

After T's nap and when I was home from work, we all walked to lunch and then over to this little local kid's party. There was a petting zoo and Truman LOVED the animals!! There was even a llama, just like his favorite book Llama Llama Red Pajama, and some of the sheep were 'baaaaa'-ing like mad. Overall, hilarious experience.

So that was this Fourth of July weekend. We did go to the big downtown fireworks again, like we have every year, but this time I didn't bring my tripod and I didn't have to pump afterward. And maybe it's just my old age (dirty thirty) this year but dang, those fireworks were so loud and long and there were just so many people everywhere. When did I become an old hag, I wonder? :)

Sixteen Months

2011-07-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

Maybe I should start off every monthly post with this title: 'This is SUCH a fun age!!!' I feel like such an annoying mom by uttering this cliche statement but it's honestly true. I love 'this' stage---no matter when you ask me. And sixteen months is my favorite phase right now:)

June was a fast month for us and it seems like Truman doesn't have any major changes to report but then again, he did sprout 3 more teeth including those blasted upper canines, to bring his grand total to 14 teeth. Another fact that is even more telling about the nights we've had lately: in the past 6 weeks T has popped 7 teeth. Yikes, guys. It just hurts to look at all of those baby nubbin teeth in his little mouth because we all suffered greatly to get them.

(with his buddies Eli and Henry)

(loved Henry's swing)

Truman has always been a kid that feels teething and vaccines, although I know there are children out there who aren't affected by either. After his 15 month shots he had a low grade fever and was super fussy, and then he had a little bug of some sorts at the end of June, too, with another low grade fever and even more fussiness. I think we've gone through about 2 bottles of Ibuprofen in attempts to keep our sanity. Also, his wonderful sleeping patterns went out the window this month (remember the 7 teeth in 6 weeks thing) and he now likes to wake for the day by 5:30 at the latest. There were nights when he would also wake up screaming every 2-3 hours and although starting our days in the 5:00 hour isn't really 'fun', I can assure you that waking up around the clock was much, much worse. I seriously have no idea how we survived those newborn days and I thank God that the night-waking was just a short phase this time around. And we're still letting him use the pacifier for sleep but still feeling guilty for it. This was just not the month to take away his comfort-sucking....maybe next month though. Or maybe not:)

(loves his DaDa)

Mister man is still incredibly vocal and strikes up nonsense conversations with us all the time. He's forming more 'real' words somewhere in there, too, like 'ma' for 'more' and 'dow' for 'down' and 'ba-ba' for Bob. As in, his BOB stroller that he loves and requests often. Did I mention that was one of the best purchases we ever made for our family? He's also really into shaking his head 'YES' and saying 'yeah' now, which is a pretty amazing feat considering that NO was his favorite word and gesture for a majority of his life. I was beginning to worry he'd be a negative nancy and wouldn't learn the word 'yes' but now he'll answer every question with the affirmative. And boy oh boy, does this child have opinions.

One big motor milestone for this month was learning to climb up stairs. He does it in such a cute way, crawling up on his knees and then standing on his feet in between each step. Hasn't quite figured out going down stairs yet, since he basically flings himself down and expects us to control his fall. Isn't it amazing how trusting and innocent kids are? I can't get over it.

T's personality emerges more each day and I think the biggest defining factor for our little man is his social-nature. I am not joking when I say that Truman LOVES people. Going to the grocery store, or Target, or a restaurant is his nirvana because there are so many strangers that he can befriend. He will wave at anyone and everyone and when they look his way, he flashes his killer grin and they immediately become putty in his little hands. It was almost embarrassing the other day at lunch, when he worked the entire room of people and forced them all to fall under his spell. Every table around us commented that he was SO cute, and 'oh my goodness---he loves to wave, doesn't he?' and 'Can I take him home with me?'. Truman is the biggest flirt I know and I can just picture him as a three year old jumping into strangers cars because 'MOM-there is a person who hasn't seen me wave at them yet and they MUST see me wave!!'. I'm picturing a kid-leash in the near future...

Another obsession for our big boy, besides strangers, is the great outdoors. Now that it's finally summer in Wisconsin my child wants to breathe fresh air around the clock. Major meltdowns occur when I force him to come inside for any reason. When he's outside, though, he is in the best mood and loves to walk all around the block on a stick hunt. Yes, any small stick on the sidewalk is fair game and he will pick them up, hand them to me, and continue on his way. We now have a large bucket full of his stick collection and we like to dump them out and inspect them regularly. He used to hate walking in the grass but has recently conquered that fear in the name of finding more sticks. Maybe he will be a lumberjack someday, huh?

Other outdoor activities that make Truman a happy baby: pretending to smell flowers (complete with an adorable scrunch face and sniff), pretending to water flowers with a 'shhhhhh' sound and an empty watering can, and pointing to every leaf on a tree. The options are endless, really.

Besides strangers and the outdoors, his other favorite hobby has to be music. This child has a minor obsession with Raffi songs and demands to go downstairs to grandma's nearly every day to listen to her Raffi tapes. He'll dance up a storm and even head-bang when 'Brush your teeth' comes on and will even gesture like he's brushing his own teeth, while saying 'shhhhhh'. It's pretty amazing, actually. Raffi is number one but a close second has to be any of mom's techno music. The boy just loves Daft Punk, what can I say? :)

So that is sixteen months---loads of fun and tiresome all at once. And definitely my favorite age.

Tidbits

2011-06-26T20:13:00.009-05:00

I know it's been awhile and I haven't even updated since my surgery. I told Nate the other night that I just can't find the motivation to blog. It's like I don't have the mental energy to compose a post, and really I haven't even been a good comment-friend lately. He asked me why I didn't feel like blogging and I said, 'I dunno....it's just I don't feel like I have anything to say other than the same old crap about me being sad and grieving.' As a husband who normally 'doesn't get' the blog-life, although he's always supported me, I was sort of caught off guard by how strongly he felt about my statement. He really didn't like that I said I have nothing to blog about and started helping me think of things to say. He told me that it's really depressing to think that there is nothing good to share from our lives right now and plus, it's obviously not true. So that was sort of the kick in the rear I needed. Now for some tidbits.

-Surgery: Yes, I had it 2 weeks ago on Monday 6/13/11. It went very well and my OB was pleased that there was no signs of infection, but had lots of tissue that needed to come out of there badly. The day of the surgery my mom was a HUGE help for me because I was pretty groggy and weak but really by the next day I was already feeling immensely better. By day 3 I was back to work and sent mom back home and I'm happy to report that within one week of surgery, I have officially stopped bleeding! Hallelujah. Just a reminder: I bled for 6 weeks solid. Pads suck. Miscarriages suck. And not wearing any feminine products is awesome. I'd say I'm back to normal physically and still working on my mental state every day. There are happy and sad times, which is normal, and lately I'm just trying to focus on the present and my many blessings. Also hoping to get my period soon, to prove my body is back into it's normal cycle, because I think that will seem like the final step of this very long journey. Isn't it crazy that I got my positive test at the end of March, the bad ultrasound at the end of April and now it's almost July? Longest m/c ever...

-Sad news: on Saturday my in-laws had to make a very difficult decision to put their dog, Sammy, down after 13 years of being a part of their family. He really declined in the past few months; couldn't see or hear, couldn't hold his bladder, wasn't sleeping at night but was very lethargic during the day, was really weak and was obviously uncomfortable. His quality of life wasn't there anymore, as he didn't even enjoy his previously favorite parts of his day. It was time and Lois said it was a peaceful goodbye but still heartbreaking. I hate to see my in-laws, who are like parents to me, upset and I hate to think about this sort of loss. I don't even want to think about how hard it will be when Henry's time comes, especially now that Truman is literally in love with his 'daw-daw'. Hopefully, since he will only be 6 years old this fall, we have many more years until that point. But good old Sammy was a wonderful family pet and he will be missed. Here's to many bones and butter dishes in doggie heaven, buddy.

(back in 2009, 10 years old)

(and Saturday morning, 13 years old and just the sweetest soul)

- Sleep: I'll post more in an upcoming 16 month post, but dang---Truman ain't sleeping worth a hoot. He is teething and thus waking up screaming at about 4 or 5 every morning. Refuses to go back to sleep. It's amazing how quickly you forget what those newborn sleepless nights felt like. Quite a sobering reminder of what it will be like someday with number two, and a reason to be grateful for our normally-great sleeper. I hope he returns to us soon. It's a good thing he's so darn cute, right? And just because I can (I don't think baby butt cheeks are inappropriate for a few more years, right?)...

- Nate's job: the hubs is a working man and LOVES his job! We are seriously so blessed that he found an amazing fit with his coworkers and clinic. There are a few other male therapists there and get this: they all love to golf and even do swing analysis at their clinic. And his company is paying for a course in Chicago later this year, so that Nate can be 'Titleist certified'. I don't know what that means but I know that it brings much giddiness to my husband's life. And also, the second paycheck is mind-blowing, as expected.

-Bills: and of course, this increase in our income came at the PERFECT time because we have hellified medical bills now! Whoo Hoo! I'm having some difficulties with our stupid insurance right now because they haven't covered jack crap thus far and nothing sucks more than having a miscarriage, then having to call insurance companies to explain that no, I am not pregnant, and yes, I am having a 'pregnancy complication'. I wrote a very strongly worded letter last night and am sending it off as a 'grievance'. I know it might not help but dang, this is the opposite of fun. We are incredibly lucky that we do have a nice savings account, which was to be used for a downpayment on our first home, and luckily we won't go into debt over this. I know not a lot of other couples out there could say the same, but it's still hard to let go of a chunk of our nest egg to pay for losing a baby.

-House: originally, when we were pregnant and due in November, we thought about starting a house hunt this fall and moving in right before the baby was due. But now with the loss and the mounting bills, it seems like there really isn't a rush anymore and every month we spend at this duplex is more money we can save to replenish our nest egg. Although I'm super excited to buy our first home and can't wait to decorate the crap out of it, I'm surprisingly okay with waiting on it, too. After all, 'waiting' is now my middle name.

-Cars: because medical bills, house hunting, and insurance woes are not enough 'adult problems' to deal with, we also have to consider my poor car. After my little episode the other week, it's becoming apparent that my 10 year old car is getting to the point where we are pumping a lot more money into it and we aren't even sure it's going to last much longer. I mean, the recent break down was because I needed a new fuel pump and this marks the third year in a row when we had a major expense for my car. I really don't care about the status-symbol of a new car and have always said I just want to run mine into the ground, since it's paid off and I adore the fact that we don't have car payments. But after my time being stranded with my broken down car, I've started to feel really nervous driving around town with Truman. I'm constantly worried it will break down again with him in it, or while I'm working and in a not-so-great area. I mean, my car is more than just a thing to get me from point A to B now: it carries our most precious cargo most every day of the week, and now I drive around town for my job. So anyway, we'll see. Lots of big decisions to make there, too. Mostly I'm having to let go of my SAVE MONEY attitude to see that safety is really number one, not money. When it rains it pours, right?

-Mom suit: how does everyone feel about mom's wearing bikinis? How do you feel about one-piece suits, too? I've always worn a two piece my whole life, and never really thought twice about it. But now that I'm a mom, I sort of feel like exposing my stomach is a little weird---like I'm trying to be a teenager again. It's not that I have fat rolls and mommy-scars to hide, but I almost feel like it's more appropriate to wear a one piece when I'm hanging out with Truman at the pool. I dunno. It's just a weird transition for me mentally. And also, there aren't a ton of cute one-piece suits out there, either. Except for this one from J.Crew and it's $125. Gulp.

- Vacation: speaking of swimming suits, we are taking a REAL vacation in August!! Besides our honeymoon and our first anniversary trip to San Diego back in the day, Nate and I haven't ever been on a real vaycay other than to Chicago and Missouri for short trips. It's high time, no? We are making it a family affair and will bring Truman with us to Fort Myers, Florida--where we will rendevous with our good buddies Hannah, Michael, and Tilly. I'm pretty sure that Tilly and Truman will be the cutest things in the entire world as they play on the beach together. Of course the logistics of flying, renting a car, and managing toddlers on vacation is a little daunting but I know we will make it work. The countdown begins! (and the swimming suit hunt...)

-Father's Day: We celebrated Nate's second Father's Day this year by going to church (where he won the award for being Dad to the youngest child---it wasn't a popular day for new dads to go to church, I guess!) and then pressies. Truman and I made a little project for Nate and whoo-boy, it was a doozie. I am so glad I don't force my son to sit still for longer than .2 seconds for any reason because it's like wrestling a crocodile more often than not. I got the idea from Pinterest and love how it turned out, even though it was tough to get any halfway decent pics. Also, Nate has this framed and on his brand new desk at work. Isn't that the cutest?

-Pinterest: Speaking of this amazing time-waster of an inspirational site, I am officially addicted. Here are my boards if you want to follow me and/or have me follow you. Lately my newest obsession is finding the most beautiful inspirational quotes on there and pinning those bad boys onto my boards. Also, I love all the rainbow stuff. I just can't avoid the bright colors!

-LuLuLemon: another love of mine lately? LuLuLemon....anything. I now own three pairs of their pants, one hoodie, and two headbands. When I first heard about this line of yoga/running apparel I gawked at the prices and couldn't fathom paying THAT much for yoga pants. And now? Even a tight-wad like myself can see that these pants are basically life-changing in their fit, comfort, materials, and amazingness. I am absolutely getting my money's worth with every purchase I've made even though I still think it's a little ridiculous to pay $98 for a hoodie. But look at how cute it is!

Oh, that's just me during our fourth anniversary trip to Chicago last month. Soaking wet from the monsoon but still rocking the hoodie. And their pants, of course, so we basically looked like we could work there (yes, Nate is just as obsessed as me, if not worse).

Also, I literally live in my yoga pants. Yes, they are expensive but they will blow your mind. And they come in Talls that are so long I have to get them hemmed. Like I said, life-changing!

-Tunes: why not cover the entire spread of life with this post and hit up my newest music obsessions, too? I have been totally digging Phoenix, The National, Blind Pilot, Horse Feathers, Bon Iver, and Passion Pit. I feel very mellow and in tune with my emotions lately, hence my really hip/alternative choices. Anyone else love these bands and/or want to recommend others like them?

Is that enough food-for-thought for you? :)

One where I whine a little

2011-06-10T10:59:00.005-05:00

You know 'those days'--the ones when you swear the universe is out to get you, and it gets to be slightly comical because everything goes wrong? I had one of those this week on Wednesday. I also have an update for you on my medical situation but first I have to give the spotlight to my Day From Hell.

I have been doing pretty well with my energy levels lately and so I saw two patients Wednesday morning before my all-important follow up appointment with the OB clinic at 1:00. Everything was going swimmingly and I was driving out to the doctor's office with questions bursting from my mind, waiting to be answered. Would the ultrasound show less 'conception products' meaning that the shot in the hospital worked? Would my giant/annoying blood vessel still be there? And would my pregnancy hormone prove to be dropping down to 0 in my blood work? All very exciting answers to be had since it had been a week after my little stint in the ER.

So doo-dee-doo, I'm about 5 minutes away from the clinic (which is a good 10 miles from home) and I go to push my gas pedal and there is no power in my car, all of my warning lights are lit up on the dashboard, and I can barely steer my freaking wheel (excuse me, but 'freaking' might be the word of choice in this post, so bear with me). I somehow manage to pull my car off to a side street and wonder if I just ran out of gas---a first for me, really embarrassing, but it's bound to happen at some point since I do like to push the limits with my gas light. But the light only came on to warn me of lower levels one minute before my car sputtered out on me, so I really didn't know if that was the diagnosis but I figured I had to try adding fuel first before anything else.

I started the trek to the nearest gas station, which I swore was only a block away while I was driving down the street, but in actuality was about a half mile away. So it's 90 degrees in Milwaukee, which by Wisconsin standards is basically an inferno, I have flip flops on and my feet are killing me, and I am not supposed to exercise at all at risk of my uterus springing a leak. Great. All in the name of a stupid 2 gallon plastic tank of gas that was dripping all over me as I hauled it back to my stupid car. And then? I couldn't figure out how to attach the gas spout and literally, I felt like the biggest space-cadet ever. Thankfully a nice mom-type lady stopped and we figured it out together, but I swear it really wasn't the easiest procedure. So of course, I put in 2 gallons of the really expensive gas that had spilled all over my sweaty, tired self and my car still would not start. It just keeps getting better, right?

At this point I had officially missed my appointment so I called to tell them the situation and they said they might be able to squeeze me in within the hour if I got there in one piece. I was hoping that my car would magically fix itself and I could continue on with my day but of course that would be too easy. I told the office I'd do my best, and then I called AAA and expected them to be my saving grace. Good thing I have a basic membership and they could come to my rescue and turn the universe around for me, right? Um, no. Old dude was no help at all and tried adding more gas to my car with the same crappy results I had before. Thanks, AAA.

And so I waited some more, because that is my full-time job lately as Julia-Waits-A-Lot, as AAA hunted for a tow truck company that could get me the heck out of this mess. An hour later, a truck did arrive, and by that time I had been stranded for 2 whole hours. I was fighting off the tears and teetering on the verge of a breakdown but decided to snap a pic and post it on Facebook instead. Priorities, right?

Once my buddy Nick, from the towing company, got my car up on his truck the best part of the day happened: he went to open his driver's side door and noticed that he had locked HIS keys in his truck. Amazing, right? You can't make this stuff up! He walked around to the passenger side and somehow, by the grace of Jesus, the door was unlocked and he could crawl in just fine. I should have known right then that Nick-ster wasn't exactly on top of his game but I really didn't care since he had AC in his pimped out tow truck. I thought to myself, 'What in the heck would I have done if Truman was with me right now?' and thanked God that at least he was safe with Lori and I wouldn't have to decide between holding him in my lap inside this tiny truck and calling a taxi so that I could use the car seat. Cannot even imagine how much worse this would have been with Truman out in the heat.

As we headed back to my little suburb, which of course was out of the 'free 5 miles of towing' radius, Nick hit two detours which had us wandering around greater Milwaukee for a bit until I decided to pull out my own Garmin and take charge of this faulty expedition. We finally landed at the shop at 3:30 and after I swung a deal with Nick to only pay for the miles he SHOULD have driven to this place, my mother-in-law met me so we could get Truman.

But of course, before we even had a chance to wrestle my car seat out of my car and into my mother-in-law's teeny tiny two door Civic, Lori called to say that Truman had a 100.9 degree fever. His 15 month well-baby appointment was the day before and he did have 3 vaccinations, so I knew that was it---but seriously? A baby that has a fever is so pathetic and sad and heartbreaking. And it was just the last straw.

We finally made it back home and Truman just could not fall asleep that night. He was uncomfortable and overtired and just wanted to be held. I held him and rocked him and rubbed his back while I let myself cry it out a bit in the process. My baby doesn't feel well, I'm still going through this horribly drawn-out miscarriage, and now we have to pay for my car to be fixed on top of the ever-mounting medical bills. I try to be a positive person most of the time but at that moment I had a major pity party for myself.

But you know what? I honestly think that my car broke down for a reason that day. I missed that appointment but already had a second-opinion appointment set up for the next day, with my old OB that delivered Truman. I called her up after my ER scare and she talked to me on the phone for quite awhile, giving me much more confidence with my situation. I planned to switch my care back to her once this dreadful ordeal was over, but when I didn't make the appointment with the other clinic, I decided that enough was enough---that was my sign to switch my care back to my old OB immediately.

I won't go into detail but I haven't been happy with my care with the new OB. Of course, with a situation this horrible it's always going to have a negative cloud over the care you receive but I needed to move on from that place and back into my comfort zone of Truman's OB. Insurance woes aside, I knew I needed to be her patient again.

So on Thursday I saw her and basically she says I need a D&C immediately because my uterus still has tons of 'products' remaining inside of it. She assured me that my uterus walls were 'beautiful' but my poor body just can't get rid of everything although it's trying to hard to do so. 5 weeks after the Cytotec was placed I am still bleeding and my body need help to end this mess. She is not concerned about the mutant blood vessel because she feels this is a normal thing to happen when a uterus thinks it's still pregnant, but I have another 'high tech' ultrasound this afternoon just to be sure. As long as that is okay, I am having surgery on Monday morning at 7:30 (prayers please!)

I have a million and one thoughts and questions and feelings about the course I've been on since that ill-fated ultrasound 6.5 weeks ago. But mostly I just want this to be over since I have done my time with this part of the physical journey. My mom is coming to town to be with me and help with Truman after the procedure and I feel a sense of peace about this decision for surgery. It's going to be okay. I'm going to get through this and learn a whole lot about patience and trusting in God. And I really do have faith that I will have more children in the future, looking back on this time as a horrible speed bump on the way to growing our family.

My OB gave me a printed out picture of my newest ultrasound of my poor uterus, ironically so full of 'loss', that it's the complete opposite of the happy ultrasound pictures showing actual babies with beating hearts, pinned up on refrigerators around the world. At first I couldn't look at the sad sight but now I feel like that picture symbolizes the low point and someday when I have my happy ultrasound picture full of new life, I'll look at this current picture and smile. It's got to get better. I just know it.

After all, I am very blessed, aren't I?

Fifteen Months

2011-06-05T08:59:00.000-05:00

{hanging in there so far, bleeding is under control and I feel a little stronger each day. The couch is my new best friend for now and I'm trying to sort out my thoughts. Thank you for the prayers, I feel them!}

I happened to take a lot of pictures this month, so watch out! The month of May was eventful and full of awesomeness for Mr. Tru. Let's begin, shall we?

-We celebrated my second Mother's Day together, even though I barely remember the first so it basically felt brand new this year. Truman looked especially dapper for his mama that Sunday.

-We had a fun first birthday party to attend, for the one and only Eli, where Truman and his daycare buddy Henry decided to hug for the camera. Dying over this one.

-And of course we had his Daddy's graduation to celebrate, an event that I envisioned in my head since the day we found out we were pregnant with Truman. I always pictured a little boy running towards his daddy, all dressed up in his doctoral robe, after the ceremony. But of course, Truman didn't make it the whole ceremony and needed a nap before that vision could actually happen. Still, it was such a fun day for our family.

-Probably the single biggest milestone Truman has hit in his little life thus far is that he became a full-time walker this month! He took his first wobbly steps at about 13.5 months in April, and then by about the second week in May, a little bit after he turned 14 months, he was off to explore the world by foot. I really thought he might not walk until 18 months but he proved me wrong, yet again. I love seeing this little blob in the corner of my eye toddle by me and into other rooms of the house. It's just a little alarming when I scan each room and can't find him anywhere, but luckily our house is small enough that he can't hide for too long.

-Now he is into this new 'thing' of the week where he'll walk around and throw both hands up in the air, like a freaking champion. I love this new trick.

-other new amazing tricks? Talking on the telephone. Even pretending to hold an imaginary phone up to his ear when he sees mommy or daddy talking on theirs. He's very popular on the phone, of course.

-finally learning to stand up from a seated position without pulling up onto anything. He did this just a few days ago for the first time and I freaked out. So proud of him! This little photo series captures the event nicely. I was trying to do something cute for Fathers' Day but the pictures aren't my favorite, so I'm scrapping it, but I still like these shots.

Favorite new hobbies include:
-playing with his shape sorters. He gets really intense with these and claps for himself when he gets the right fit.

-making imaginary soup with his wooden blocks. Or really, playing with our pots and pans for any reason, stirring, tasting, and making lots of noise. I am not kidding when I say he will do this by himself for about 45 minutes at a time. AMAZING attention span for cooking. It makes the dirty cookware worth it.

-and he's always been obsessed with buttons and technology, but this month he became crazy about our keys. It's hard to get them away from him, as he pushes every button to make the cars honk, unlock, and even start the engine with my automatic starter. Whoops!!

-This month he also began an new signature facial expression: The Scowl. It's hilarious and I think he pops it out for us about 100 times per day, as if to say, 'Mom you are SO annoying'. Might not be so cute when he's a teenager, huh?

-His personality just keeps emerging every day and boy, oh boy, we have an entertainer on our hands! I think his elementary school teachers might have a few parent-teacher conferences with us to say, 'Truman is a great kid but he's just such a class clown!' I mean, just look at these faces he makes at us in order to get a good laugh:

-and speaking of his personality, I think we have entered the 'temper tantrum' phase. This is a picture of when Truman's world ended, because we took away Henry's leash from him.

Seriously, isn't that an awful face? If we ever take something away from him that he's just not ready to give up, we get this face and instant tears. He's headstrong and stubborn and wants what he wants RIGHT NOW. Ooooh, boy. These next few months are going to be fun.

-Truman is starting to talk up a storm, although I think most of the time he's speaking his own language we can't always understand. Definite words with meaning include: DaDa, MaMa, Duh-Duh for Henry dog (his favorite member of the family!), Yeah, Ni-Ni (for night-night), and Na-Na (for banana). Other strangely suspicious sounds include Li-Lou for 'Lori', Garf for 'Woof', and Ya-Ya for 'Grandma'. If I say a word, like 'granola bar' for instance, he will try to say it with his own muffled pronunciation, that matches the inflection of my voice perfectly and has the same amount of syllables. He will sign 'more' and 'eat' and 'milk' and 'all done' all the freaking time, and mostly he loves to point and grunt at what he wants from us. The best part of his communication with us? He knows what the word 'fart' means. If we say, 'Truman, did you fart?' he will start grunting and pushing. I find this fact both hilarious and disturbing, don't you?

-he can point to his belly (fave), his nose, his mouth, his ears, and will squint his eyes when we ask about them. I love that he is understanding us now although it's a little scary, too. When he sees mommy and daddy kiss he will make kissing noises and smile. He'll pet Henry like he's seen us done before. It's wonderful to interact with him like a big kid now.

-He got all four molars this month and they were totally wrecking our lives for awhile. It's so cute to see his fatty molars in his mouth now but dang, that also sucked. He has 11 total teeth now, an odd number since the bottom right side tooth is still in hiding. No canine teeth just yet either, so I know we have more teething drama ahead of us.

-as far as daycare goes, we have finally rounded the corner from those dreadful separation anxiety days and Truman now LOVES daycare. When he sees his daycare bag out on the table he'll point at it emphatically and then start waving 'bye bye' like crazy. When we drop him off, he willingly goes into Loris hands, smiles, and waves goodbye. Lori has been writing in Truman's book for the past few weeks that he 'had a great day today'. You have no idea how wonderful those words make me feel, after so many tears and hard days at daycare. I guess he is best buds with his daycare friends there and loves to play himself silly. This big step makes working part time SO much more tolerable.

(I love this walking shot for some reason---the posture is just hilarious)

-we finally got rid of the last bottle at night and Truman now drinks all his milk from a cup! This is another sentence I did not expect to write anytime soon, but we just decided to get rid of that bedtime bottle one night and it was fine. I'd guess he drinks about 16-18 ounces a day now and loves his sippy cups to death. That was a transition that was difficult for all of us but we survived, just like they said we would.

-in the place of the bottle-attachment, however, we do have another obstacle in it's place. The dreaded pacifier made it's return with a vengeance. You see, for the first 13 months of Truman's life he really didn't care about the paci. He'd throw it out of his crib at night immediately, and we'd keep one clipped to him at daycare for extra comfort and he would usually take it there. But then when the molars hit, and he had a cold, and mommy was going through some majorly sad times, we just decided to try the paci again at night for comfort. Whaddya know, it worked like a charm and now I think we have an addict on our hands. It's not THAT bad, really, since he only gets it for naps and sleeping at night, but still it's just one more thing we'll have to break him of later on. I'm not too worried about it though, since our Pediatrician said that breaking the bottle habit was more important than the paci, saying he doesn't suggest getting rid of that one until 18 months. He said if we got rid of it too early and Truman did need to suck for comfort, then he would just become a thumb-sucker anyway, which is harder to break. So for now, we are still giving the paci willingly for sleeping and little buddy sucks the crap out of it. Gotta pick your battles, right?

-baby boy has been sleeping like a champ with that paci, though, probably since he is burning so much energy walking around now. He's definitely only taking one nap at home (still two good ones at daycare though) and it's usually at least 2 hours long. He'll go down at 7 and not wake until 6:30 or so, which is SO much better than the 5:30 wake up call he was giving a few months ago.

-this month we kept looking at Truman, and would say, 'He is just SO big.' We cannot get over how tall he is, how grown up he looks, and how much he has changed in the past month. It's just crazy and when we have our 15 month well baby appointment next week, I will not be surprised if he's much taller than his percentiles from the one year check up. I mean, look at this---isn't he basically a teenager now?

Fifteen months old and tons of fun. We love you, Mister Man!

Scariest 24 hours yet

2011-06-02T11:02:00.004-05:00

I feel like I need to post here, to keep everyone in the loop. I know there are many 'internet friends' who would be able to lift our family up in prayer and more prayers can't ever hurt.

I had to go to the ER on Tues night with severe bleeding from the miscarriage. I lost an insane amount of blood, clots, and it was the scariest time of my life. They had to give me a shot to make the bleeding subside to an acceptable rate and so far it's working. My blood count dropped so badly that there was no way they could send me home and I was really close to needing a blood transfusion. A long 24 hours in the hospital without sleep and with more testing than I thought imaginable but I'm home now, resting and waiting. Really scared of bleeding again, very weak and tired, but I'm okay.

They found a HUGE blood vessel in my uterus that is feeding into it, and causing the horrible bleeding from Tuesday night. Both the OB and the radiologist state it's something they have never seen before which is never a good thing to hear. If they would have done a D&C in the ER 'blindly' before seeing this new ultrasound with the vessel, it would have been 'a total disaster' as per the doc. Surgery is extremely risky because I could hemorrhage and need a hysterectomy, worst case scenario. She did give us the option of having a D&C now, with a special team of interventional radiologist on hand in case I begin to bleed uncontrollably. That runs the risk of having them cut off a significant amount of blood supply to my uterus, making it very difficult to get pregnant again. If it all went south, though, I would require a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding. Nate and I had lots of big decisions to make about how to take care of this, and it wasn't easy to make those choices but we opted to take a shot to help kill off the remaining products in me instead of surgery. Now I have to chill out at home and wait----will monitor the blood vessel and the products in the uterus for any change. If I do start to bleed horribly again I have to go back to the ER and have emergency surgery. Praying that doesn't happen, obviously. But we just couldn't choose the surgery right away without giving the medication a chance. I could never forgive myself if we chose that and something went wrong. At least this way we know we've given the least aggressive treatment a chance.

This entire process has been one of the biggest eye opening experiences ever. For about 30 minutes, Nate and I had to wait for the OB to give us an update after the RN told us the ultrasound showed 'a lot more complications than they thought.' That was all they could tell us and that half of an hour was the worst. I immediately thought I had cancer, and that they would need to do a hysterectomy and my life was over. I had to let go of any other 'priorities' in my life as far as having future children because all of a sudden, all that mattered was being here for Truman and Nate. The past 4 weeks since the miscarriage actually began have been hard--and I'd like to clarify that I haven't ever stopped bleeding in the past 4 weeks, not even progressing to just 'spotting', but the gushing of blood from Tuesday night was very obviously NOT okay. But the past 4 weeks were nothing like those 30 minutes of waiting for answers. I prayed to God to give me strength to lead me through whatever was to come, and of course He has. I have now learned that the inconvenience of having to wait for a second child is absolutely no big deal compared to what could have been, and what might come to be for us. So what if I can't have two kids just two years apart? Does the gap of children really matter that much anymore? How ungrateful and immature of me to be so concerned with the space between my 'assumed' children. I will consider it a blessing if I don't need a procedure that could possibly render me infertile. At this point all I can do is take it one day at a time and enjoy the present moment. Nothing else matters anymore.

That is what's been going on in a nutshell. Prayers appreciated!

( I was literally typing out Truman's 15 month post when the insane bleeding started on Tuesday night. So bear with me as I work on that one again---it's so unlike me to be late on this monthly post! )

Doctor Nate

2011-05-23T19:40:00.005-05:00

Even before we were engaged, I knew Nate wanted to go to graduate school. His biology degree was never the 'final' step of his career path and it was always a matter of WHICH career he would pursue. When he quit his biotech job in St. Louis right before our wedding, I knew that he wasn't going back to the working world in that area. I knew he'd begin to take pre-requisite classes in the summer of 2007 and again in the fall of 2007. But he had so many ideas of what he wanted to be when he grew up. Medical school? He always wanted to be a doctor but all of a sudden, that dream didn't seem like it would fit with his other life's goals of having a family life and he wasn't sure he wanted to be in school THAT long with THAT much debt. I supported that decision. Physician's Assistant? Close enough to a doctor but less schooling, it was a thought. Dentistry? We moved to Milwaukee because Nate was on the wait list at Marquette's dental school, although we weren't 100% sure that would be the right pick either (obviously, things always work out for the best).

Then came the original thought of Nate becoming a Physical Therapist. You see, not only am I a PT but Nate's dad is one, too. He's surrounded by our kind, I guess, and the most ironic part of this entire story is that Nate was accepted to SLU's PT program as a senior in high school----just like me. He attended SLU as a part of their freshman-admit PT program, right on track to graduate with his Master's in 2005. But he made the decision to switch into pre-med after one semester, going for that dream of the title 'Doctor'. At least he still met the woman of his dreams at SLU even if he switched his major:)

Fast forward about 7 years later, when he was a newlywed trying to make a huge decision about his career life. He knew that PT would be a great fit for him: a people-person, who likes to make his own decisions, never be at a desk all day long, with amazing job security as the baby boomer generations ages. I didn't push him into this decision and neither did his dad, but we were so happy when he finally picked therapy to be his path. I remember the day we got the acceptance letter from UWM saying he was one of only 15 students selected to be in the class of 2011's Doctoral program. Yes, because he missed his original opportunity to get his Master's degree he now had to endure an extra year for the D.P.T. because that is now the standard across the nation. His measly little wife gets 'grandfathered' in with her M.P.T. and can practice in all the same jobs, with the same pay, as the higher degree. Yes, irony at it's finest.

I remember when PT school began for Nate in the summer of 2008, after one whole year of pre-requisites. It was brutal and I hated seeing him gone every day from 8-4 then studying every night and all weekend long. But I knew we had to get used to this shift in our new marriage because May of 2011 seemed like an eternity. I still don't know how I convinced him to start a family before he was done with school but he will admit now that having Truman was the best decision we've made yet (told you so!) even if the timing seemed crazy at first. Our roles as husband and wife and parents have been anything but typical and sometimes it was tough, for sure, but you know what? Those three years FLEW by (four years if you count the pre-requisite year). I dreamed of this day for so long, the day when Nate would wear his doctoral cap and gown and get his degree. I dreamed of a day we would have two salaries in this marriage. A day when my husband wouldn't need to study all weekend or pay for textbooks or tuition. And now it's here and it's hard to believe.

Nate is one of the most determined, intelligent, outgoing, and positive people in my life. He deserves this moment in the spotlight for this ginormous accomplishment. To say that I'm proud of him in a huge understatement. And it's not all about the second income, like I thought it would be. It's about the fact that my husband has a career that will make him happy, fulfilled, and one that suits his personality perfectly. It took a lot of sacrifice on both of our parts to get to this point and our newlywed years will always have stories that are far from the norm. I wouldn't have it any other way.

This past weekend was the big graduation ceremony, plus a small 'pinning' ceremony just for his PT class. My parents came to town to help celebrate and we had a small BBQ on Sunday night after the graduation in honor of the newest PT of the house. It was amazing and just what the doctor ordered for me (bad pun intended). Some pictures to show you the exciting milestone:

a fave:

fave family photo ever:

I always rolled my eyes when Nate said I'd have to call him a doctor when he graduated. I mean, please---he's not a Physician or a PhD or anything. As his wife it's my duty to make sure his head doesn't get too big, right? But I have to admit, seeing him in that doctoral cap and gown, reading his diploma got me all teary eyed. I'm just so proud of my hubby. All that is left to do now is take the national boards exam (June 7--say your prayers!) in order to get his license and he already found a fabulous job that will begin on May 31. Although the past month has been one of much heartache and sadness for our family this achievement is something that we can claim as one hugely happy event for us all. Nate is done with school...finally. And also: already? :)

Closure.

2011-05-11T20:57:00.001-05:00

I don't want the title of this post to be deceiving to you all, since I am far from feeling 'at peace' with our loss. It's not like the grieving process is over but I feel like I'm working towards closure, starting to see what some of the lessons learned should be.

As far as physical healing goes, I'm on my way along with the emotional healing. Last Friday, 10 days after our bad ultrasound (and 4.5 weeks since the baby actually died), my body was still holding onto the baby without any signs of miscarriage. I requested one final ultrasound to wipe away any false hopes that this baby was somehow still alive, that my dates might have been off by weeks, or that there was some kind of miracle going on inside me. The ultrasound that day was not emotional for me since I was prepared to see our little bean curled up and lifeless, and again the baby measured exactly 6w0d without any changes. I needed to see that last image on the screen in order to move forward and I'm glad I got the peace of mind that indeed, my baby really was gone.

Right after the ultrasound my very compassionate doctor placed four Cytotec pills vaginally, a drug very similar to the Cervadil I had during my two night of laboring Truman, in order to 'ripen' the cervix and get the bleeding started. She promised an 80% chance of the drug working but also scheduled a D&C for the following week at my request, in case my body wouldn't budge. We came home feeling a little better just knowing we had done something to initiate the process, praying that the awful waiting for the inevitable would go quickly.

I won't go into details about that evening's events but let's just say the medicine worked like a charm. And let's also say that anyone who tells you a miscarriage is just like a 'heavy period' has obviously never gone through this nightmare. I think it's better compared to actual labor as far as the pain, true contractions, and insane amount of bleeding goes and of course when you add the emotional aspect of losing a human life to the mix of this madness, it's exponentially worse than any period or any labor could be.

Since Friday I've had good and bad days, sometimes bleeding so heavily I can't do anything but hang out in the bathroom and sometimes I feel almost back to normal. I know that my body will need time to rid itself of HcG, the pregnancy hormone, and I pray that I will return to my 'normal' cycle very soon. Also, in the back of my mind, I am worried that somehow my body didn't get rid of all the 'conception products', as they are called---isn't that the saddest pairing of words ever? I do not want to go through a procedure to remove everything after going through this miscarriage naturally. I'm praying my body to do what it's supposed to do, hanging onto some sort of faith in it after a few weeks of skepticism.

Which brings me to the lessons I feel I must learn through this loss. The first is patience, one of the toughest concepts for me to grasp even before the miscarriage. I am not a patient person. I like to have things done my way, immediately, without wasting time. The word 'wait' has been on my tongue and heart more times in the past 2 weeks than ever before and I must admit that I hate it. I was supposed to be 11.5 weeks pregnant right now. But instead of that concept, now I feel like I will be waiting FOREVER just to get a period again. Just to be able to try again. Just to see another positive pregnancy test. I don't want to wait and although I know time is my friend, it seems like an enemy more often than not. If only I could snap my fingers and magically be at the place when I'm pregnant again----or better yet, holding our healthy baby number two. Isn't that the ultimate goal? Not just to get pregnant, but to have a second child. And yet, I know I must work through my grief and my emotions before getting pregnant and my body must physically heal as well. As I let my ears listen to God more and more, I truly believe He is teaching me patience through this loss. Not that I have to like the lesson, but I get it.

Another lesson of mine is that it is wrong to envy others, it's wrong to 'compete' and compare situations with other women around me. I'm not going to lie: it's difficult to have three of my closest friends due within a month of my lost due date. It's hard to read pregnancy blogs and not automatically feel like, 'Why can't this be me?' I'm obviously thrilled for my friends because they deserve the happiness of pregnancy, and they've been incredibly supportive of me as well. It's just hard to feel so far behind, set back from the rest of the group. Just typing this out it sounds so awful because having children is NOT a competition. The person that has the most babies the quickest isn't a 'winner' and where my friends are in their family time line should have absolutely nothing to do with our personal family plan. But I am being completely honest when I admit I have had those fleeting jealous thoughts and I'm fully aware that I need to move away from that mindset. God is definitely helping me out with this one, too.

The last lesson I have begun to grasp is one of gratitude. It's so easy to focus on the 'have nots' in life, spending so much time and energy on obtaining things we don't yet have in our possession. But how about being content with what we DO have? I'm not trivializing our loss by saying this but we are so grateful to have Truman in our lives. If anything, losing this baby has made me love Truman even more somehow. Being surrounded by my amazing family, including my husband, who love me more than I realize, is the most precious gift out of all this pain. Having friends who reach out to contact me, even weeks after our sad announcement, shows me that we are incredibly blessed in this life. We have reasons to be happy and content while living in the moment, not focusing on the future, and it's hard work to allow that sense of peace into my heart. But I'm trying and that is what matters.

A few people mentioned that it helps to name the baby you miscarried, in order to place significance on the pregnancy and make it seem more 'real' and important. I couldn't agree more, although naming this baby was hard and felt a little weird to me. But then, the more I thought about it, I knew exactly what we will call this baby.

You see, before we had our horrible ultrasound we were having so much fun dreaming of names for this baby. Do you remember the hilarious YouTube video of the twin boys 'talking' to each other in the kitchen? One of the twins was named Wren (maybe spelled differently, but whatev) and I just loved it. I wrote the name down on our growing list and one night Nate spotted the name. He said it was a little odd, and I agreed but replied I would like it to be a nickname, something short for a longer name. Nate thought for a second and simply stated that we should name our baby Darren. Now, obviously, there is nothing wrong with that name but it's rather odd for a newborn baby born in 2011, right? Sort of like our name-holder 'Carlos' for Truman---nothing wrong with the name, but still hilarious in a way. So of course, we started calling the baby Darren and would die of laughter each time.

I knew I wanted to name this baby Wren because of that story, although it's dripping in sarcasm. I still like the name Wren and actually, the symbolism of this baby being a little bird who flew away to heaven before we could meet him is all too perfect. I wanted to get something to remember baby Wren and found this necklace on Etsy after much searching. An adorable baby bird (a wren, if you ask me) with eyes closed, sleeping soundly, and then a topaz birthstone for November--when the baby was supposed to arrive. I figure it's low-key enough that people won't demand to know what it means but special enough to me to keep close to my heart.

We love you, baby Wren. Thank you for blessing us with your brief life in me. We'll meet again someday.

Grief

2011-05-04T19:58:00.000-05:00

{First of all, thank you so much for the kind and uplifting comments on my last post. It helps tremendously to hear from others who have walked this path, and from those who haven't but are sending their love. I will continue to need your prayers because I still have not started bleeding or spotting and we are going on day #9 since the ultrasound. I have some big decisions to make this Friday about what to do next and all I know is that this waiting game is emotional warfare. I just want to move on. Anyway, this is the first post I wrote last week, a glimpse into the grief process. }

4.28.11
I struggled with the decision to post about our loss on this blog. It feels like waving a giant banner for the strangers of the internet, broadcasting the most intensely painful experience I've had to a number of people that I'll never meet. It's even more odd to think about all of the 'aquaintences' of mine who read this blog---ones with whom I would normally never share this story, but who will now know about it. And I hate that some of my actual friends will read this instead of hearing it from me, but I just can't bring myself to spread the news over and over again. The entire concept of a miscarriage is so sad, so personal, and even a little bit shameful and embarrassing. But you know what? The more I thought about it I knew I had to blog about this. How could I not? If I neglected to share this significant part of my life on the blog I might as well just shut the whole thing down and I'm not ready to do that. Miscarriage should not be a topic that women are afraid to discuss, and it should not be something we have to endure alone. Reading about my loss is bound to help someone out there going through the same thing, right? It will absolutely help me to sort it out, and to hear from other women who've survived the same ordeal. Becoming a member of the large miscarriage club is not something I'm proud of, but I will not be ashamed or ignore it, either. It feels very empowering to share this story, in a way it lets me take control over the words and own them, so that I can heal as well. Blogging has always helped me move through hard times and it only makes sense that at my lowest point in my very blessed life, I write about it.

I really don't know where to begin. I sit here today, one day after my thirtieth birthday, living out the reality of a nightmare I dreamed for many weeks. It's been a little more than 48 hours since we had our dreams of baby number two ripped away from us---and in some ways, these past two days have been the longest of my life. The fact that we heard the worst possible news just one day before my big 3-0 is probably the most ironic timing ever, right? Setting up the ultrasound to be right at the 9 week mark, the day before my birthday, seemed like it could be a great gift to celebrate as I left my twenties and entered the next decade. But instead it turned out to be the biggest slap in the face. As I read the kind, unknowing words of friends on Facebook say, 'Happy Birthday, enjoy your wonderful day!' it made me want to cry for about the millionth time in a 24 hour period. What is 'happy' about the saddest feeling I've ever known in my thirty years. And a 'birth' day? How ironic to celebrate the day of my own birth as I mourn the death of an unborn baby inside me. How could I possibly enter into my next year with more pain and sadness? And yet, although my birthday started off really really rough with tears waking me up from my broken sleep and a horrible attitude hovering over my head, it did turn out to be an amazing gift in the end. I forced myself to go to work and see my five patients that day, and stepping outside of my own misery for a bit to help others was more therapeutic than I could predict. My job---the one I love to complain about, and dream of quitting to stay home full time---was the biggest reason I made it through my birthday. Not to mention the flowers, emails, calls, and texts full of heartfelt and comforting words. By the finish of my big day, I had finally gotten the message: I have been blessed with a group of friends and family that truly care about me, who love me no matter what, and who will support me through the worst of times. I definitely felt the love and understood that our loved ones are incredible gifts.

It's really natural to spit out about three token phrases to someone who is suffering from a miscarriage. I'm absolutely positive I've said them all at one point in my life, and I don't regret saying them now that I'm on the other side of the line. All of them mean well but they can't be a quick fix, placed in a nice little box of words, to make the mother feel less pain. I realize that everyone just wants to say the right thing to help, but when you are in the darkest despair it's easy to have a response for everything. I know that is really awful for me to say, and I hope it doesn't make it even harder to come up with words for those suffering.

-'At least you already have one healthy baby.' Very true, we are so blessed to have Truman as the ultimate distraction to our pain, the perfect symbol for life and happiness. But you know what? There are two sides to the coin of having a first child and then a miscarriage. I know how amazing it is to have a new baby. I am in love with being a mother. And to have it be thisclose and then ripped away from me? I am fully aware of what I am losing and it's absolutely heartbreaking to know I will never meet this baby. I will never get to love him or her with every ounce of my being, or get to smell their sweetest newborn scent, or watch them grow into a precious toddler and beyond. I am beyond grateful for Truman and don't mean to sound greedy, wanting more children after him. But I truly feel that our family is not complete with just one. And I wanted this baby more than I can accurately explain.

-'There was probably something wrong with the baby, so it's probably for the best.' Absolutely true, but of course we'll never know if this was the case. And if so---if the baby had a chromosomal abnormality---how can you NOT ask The Question of 'Why?' I know that these things happen. That when the miracle of life begins with just one cell and rapidly divides into thousands, there is a large margin for error. I get that, I really do. But why did my baby have to have a mistake at the cellular level? Does this mean we are more at risk for another abnormality in the future?

-'You'll get pregnant again and have a perfectly healthy child next time.' Really? You have a crystal ball and can predict the future? Because right now, when fate seems like the biggest biyatch in the universe, it seems pretty ridiculous to assume everything will go on to being just fine in the future. What if we don't get pregnant again? Or what if this happens multiple times without explanation? I seriously doubt I would be strong enough to do this all over again.

And really, if God allows me to get pregnant again, how on earth will I ever be able to enjoy pregnancy again? I've always been incredibly neurotic, a worrier, finding it difficult to just relax and be in the moment. Will I even be able to function in the early days of pregnancy again? Or will I literally be so anxious and scared that I'll make myself sick?

Because I like to be a Pollyanna sometimes, I really do try to see the good things in every situation. As far as the timing of this loss, I can honestly say that it's much better finding out at 9 weeks instead of 19 weeks, or 29 or 39. Also much better finding out we've lost the baby now than losing a baby after it's born. It's better that the body knows when something is wrong, and 'takes care of it', so that we do not bring a child into this world with added suffering, pain, medical procedures, and heartache if at all possible . Of course if we did have a child with any disability we would love that child with all of our hearts. But I think it's okay to admit that it would be a difficult life. I am so glad I didn't get an ultrasound at 6 weeks, see the heartbeat then and feel optimistic, and then not find out about this loss until much later. I'm also very grateful that I didn't speak up at my 8 week exam, requesting to squeeze into the Ultrasound room right away, on the off chance they had a random opening right then. I would have been completely alone, without Nate or Truman, and I can't imagine how much worse it would have been then.

But even when I'm doing really well with those happy thoughts, I'll have dark moments hit me hard and it takes awhile to catch my breath. Why is this happening to us? Do we deserve it somehow? Did all of my worries about this very scenario somehow will it to happen? Why would God provide such a precious gift of life and then quickly whisk it away from us in an instant, before it even seemed real? I've had a lot of talks with God in the past two days and I hate to admit that some of my words haven't been the nicest.

I understand that there must be 'mountaintop moments' in life, and also times when we walk in the valley. I'm definitely in the valley right now, struggling to see how God has not deserted me. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in heaven, and that life begins in the womb. I think that our world today trivializes life in utero making it seem insignificant, like a baby isn't really 'real' until he or she is born. I wholeheartedly disagree with that statement and choose to believe that my baby was real. I wonder if some people simply will not understand my devastation with this loss, thinking it's silly to be so sad over a pregnancy that only lasted a few weeks. I'm sure there will be some that want me to move on already, to get over it and suck it up. But this little life that briefly passed through my own was my child, with so much potential washed away in a matter of weeks. No matter how short or how long a child touches your life he will absolutely leave a mark. I believe this baby is in heaven and we will meet him someday and I am thankful for the hope and anticipation we felt for the 5 weeks we knew about this child.

The worst part of the whole nightmare is the waiting, the emptiness, the lack of closure. I am still not bleeding yet. My body still thinks it's pregnant. And honestly, I have lost an enormous amount of respect for my physical body in the past days. First it loses the pregnancy, unable to grow the baby into an actual child for us to love. And now? It's not getting the freaking memo. The baby is dead, you idiot. Why won't you just let it go and let me get on with my life? I spent 5 weeks holding my breath with every bathroom trip, praying there wouldn't be blood. And now? I pray that God shows his mercy and lets me start bleeding, shedding the physical and emotional pain in the process. I know that the actual process is going to be absolutely terrifying, and more horrible than I can imagine. But the fact that I'm just sitting here with a dead baby inside of me, waiting for the loss to happen is sickening. If nothing has happened by next week, the doctor thinks I should come in for some medicine to help speed things along. Two days ago that idea sounded disgusting to me. And now it sounds more appealing by the minute. How am I supposed to heal, to move through the grieving process, when I haven't even lost the baby yet?

So here I am, headed into day #3 after everything has changed. Just typing my thoughts for the first time and feeling it all sink in a little deeper. I think I've successfully moved from shock, sadness, despair, and now to numbness and emptiness, with a touch of anger thrown in there for a bit. The grieving process is a wild ride, for sure.

Loss.

2011-05-02T08:00:00.001-05:00

This post was supposed to be the big reveal, a huge announcement that baby number two was on the way and due November 29. Truman and his sibling were going to be just 21 months apart. I was supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant today.

But in the place of a happy surprise announcement is pure sadness over the loss of my second pregnancy. It feels like a dream, just like it did in the beginning of this pregnancy, but in the worst way possible. A true nightmare has certainly taken an emotional and physical toll on me.

We didn't plan for this baby; no charting, no counting down days to test. I only had one real period once I stopped breastfeeding. My baby fever was just starting to accumulate under the surface but we figured we'd wait to 'try' until the summer. Instead, God gave us the most precious gift of a positive pregnancy test on March 24. We were surprised, shocked, and incredibly happy. 'How can anyone be this blessed', I often asked myself? 'What's the catch?' We already had one beautiful, healthy, happy baby boy. And now we get the pleasure of doing it all over again? It didn't seem possible, it seemed too good to be true, and the worrying began.

Just like my pregnancy with Truman, I overanalyzed every twinge in my body. I imagined a future ultrasound appointment that included the words 'no heartbeat' and 'miscarriage.' But then by 5 weeks I began to have even more classic symptoms than I did with Truman's pregnancy--more waves of nausea, extreme exhaustion, crazy sense of smell, and even enough bloat to start looking like a pooch. I felt exponentially worse than I did the first time around and that comforted me, eased my worries. I even joked to Nate that maybe we were having twins because I was feeling doubly worse than the first go around.

I started to dream of two little boys being less than two years apart in age, running around together, playing hide-and-seek, and being best of friends and little trouble makers throughout the years. I loved that we'd be able to use our baby boy clothes again and we talked about our favorite boy names, imagining a house full of men with me as their queen bee. Or a little girl this time, looking up to her big brother with admiration and respect, just 21 months younger than him. I dreamed of pink and frills and a mother-daughter relationship that would surely make me weak in the knees. My heartbeat would speed up when I thought of that newborn smell, the cuddles, the breastfeeding, the coos and first smiles. I wanted this baby more than I could ever explain. My heart was ready and I was excited for the challenge of 'two under two'. A newborn at Christmas time. Maternity leave over the holidays. It was going to be so much fun.

I had my first appointment at 8 weeks, just an exam and blood work, with a brand new doctor at a brand new practice because of insurance changes. Everything seemed to be right on track---an 'official' positive pregnancy test, a uterus that felt 'swollen and pregnant.' Before I left they had me schedule my first ultrasound and said it was best to have between 9 and 10 weeks. Of course I opted for the earliest appointment possible, which just so happened to be the day before my thirtieth birthday, right at the nine week mark. I certainly felt pregnant, still with symptoms, although they seemed to be regulating a bit.

The morning before the appointment I started to get nervous. I was pretty quiet and Nate noticed. I told him I was just anxious to get this over with so we could breathe a sigh of relief. We snapped my 9 week belly picture just moments before walking out the door for the appointment. We brought Truman with us so he could be a part of the big moment in our family history.

Walking into the ultrasound room I started to get a pit in my stomach. Something just didn't feel right, but I was sure that it was just me being neurotic and fearful over the unknown. The ultrasound tech commented that Truman was extremely handsome, to which he responded with a flirty grin and some waves. She said that she can always tell a good baby because those are the parents who have another child close in age to the first. I was so proud of Truman for being well-behaved, stealing the show as always. And then it was time to lay back and see our second baby.

As soon as the image filled the screen I knew. I saw the big black hole but there wasn't a precious white blob in the middle, there was no flicker of a heartbeat inside. The tech didn't say anything for what seemed to be an eternity and I didn't have the courage to look at Nate or my son for their feedback. I wanted this to be a dream. I wanted to go home.

'What I'm seeing here is a fetus that measures about 6 weeks, and there is no heartbeat.' I should have been 9 weeks. There should have been a heartbeat even if my dates were wrong and it was only 6 weeks old. I remember her asking something about when I got my positive pregnancy test and I choked back tears as I said, 'right around 4 weeks.' I knew it wasn't possible to have a 6 week fetus. It should have been 9. And it should have had a heartbeat.

As the tech left the room to get the doctor I finally looked at my husband and my baby boy. The look of concern on both of their faces was almost too much to bear. Truman's innocent eyes told me that everything was going to be okay but I couldn't stop thinking about all we'd be missing without this baby. I'm not sure what we talked about in those first few minutes of reality but I know that is when I started crying the saddest tears I have known.

The doctor was incredibly supportive and understanding as she shed tears right with me, telling me that she had a miscarriage before her son was born, too. When she told us that we did nothing wrong, that we did not cause this to happen I broke down in the ugly cry. I was holding Truman by this point and buried my face in his sweet head of baby hair, praying to God that this was a dream. The doctor told me I would probably start to lose the baby in a week or two but if not there would be other options to speed along the process. My baby had been dead inside my body for three weeks now. And my body didn't even know it yet. Why was my body failing me by losing the baby and then pretending to still be pregnant? Why was this happening to us? Why?

The rest of the day was spent in a series of tears, a phone call to my mom, and numerous texts and emails to those who were waiting to hear the good news from the big appointment. I spent a lot of time in the arms of my husband, who told me he loved me and that we would get through this and get our second baby. Just not in November. Just not this time. We were saying goodbye before we even got to say hello.

Everything would make me burst into tears that evening---one of Truman's toys shutting off and saying, 'Bye Bye!' TV commercials featuring brand new babies with wrinkly faces. My beloved Henry, coming up to me as I sat on the floor in a stupor, resting his head on my lap and staring up at me with his puppy dog eyes. He knew his mama was sad and he wanted to make it better. Everyone wanted to make it better and yet nobody could change the fact that our baby's heart wasn't beating.

I went to bed that night knowing that miscarriage is incredibly common. I have become a part of a group of women that knows how devastating this loss feels. And now I have to move through the grieving process just like the rest of this group has done, and I know it's not going to be easy.