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milk drama

Sigh. I don't even feel like typing about this because I've ridden the emotional roller coaster with nursing this week. And I'm exhausted from all of the over-analyzation in my brain. But I still want to blog about it so that I don't forget this little blip in the journey of breastfeeding Cecelia--at least, I hope it's just a blip. Maybe it's the end of the road. Cue the anxiety because I'M NOT READY TO BE DONE YET!

Let me just say here before I go on: I realize this is not the end of the world. The bottom line is that I've nursed Cecelia for almost 10 months without supplementing. I am proud of that and I'm grateful and appreciative of this gift. If we are ending this nursing relationship then obviously I will live and it will all turn out fine no matter what. But humor me here and let me tweak out about this for a second, okay?

Remember how I mentioned that I had mastitis last week? I felt 100% better after two days but apparently there are some lingering effects sticking around. On my pumping days this week, I took a major hit to my breastfeeding pride and watched as those bottles collected HALF of what they normally catch for me. Maybe even less than half. One of the days I only got six ounces total from all three pumping sessions. WTF?! Any mom who's ever pumped knows how the numbers game can be brutal if you are on the wrong side of the ratio---when baby eats more than you pump, it can make you feel like you literally aren't giving enough. You're falling short. And (at least for me) panic ensues. Pumping just six ounces in three sessions is shocking for me, not because I have a hefty oversupply normally---but because I've been matching Cecelia's bottles for the past few months. Even if I'm not stocking up more frozen milk at least I was breaking even. I mean, really? Six ounces? I used to get that or more with just one session, and was getting 12-14 total each day before this. Gulp.

So my supply took a major dip and luckily I have about 150 oz of frozen breast milk to use. But if I start plowing through my frozen stash, giving bottles instead of nursing, I feel like I'm basically throwing in the towel for breastfeeding. My supply is already dwindling and if I offer bottles instead of trying to put her to the breast, aren't I just asking for trouble?

We stopped giving CC a bottle in the middle of the night because I wanted to nurse instead, just to keep my supply up and help out with the clogged duct that started this whole thing. One night while nursing her at 3 am I started to go over all of my options. Because I am flying to St. Louis with Cecelia in three weeks and I will not have access to my freezer stash. Which means if we are using mostly bottles at that point, I'm going to have to get a little creative.

I thought about shipping some of my frozen bags to Missouri with dry ice. I thought about packing as many as I could in a small cooler with me, taking it on the plane. I could bring fresh milk that I pump the week prior, since fresh stuff stays longer than frozen. But if I'm pumping a measly 6 oz per day then that's out. I could buy formula for that week and give it to her when we are St. Louis. But I'm not even sure she would take the formula since she'd finicky and hasn't ever had it before. I could use whole milk for our time away and hope that she takes it.

Or I could just pray that she continues to nurse like nothing is wrong so that we can nurse while in St. Louis and forget about the dumb bottle all together. I mean, there is nothing wrong with adding in a bit of whole milk to my frozen supply in bottles for daycare and before bed. I'll have to do that soon anyway. But this trip is really making me analyze my options to no end.

Cecelia has actually been nursing really well all week--as if she has no clue that the pump is making me question my supply. She has plenty of wet diapers, is relatively happy, and doesn't seem to be extra hungry. On Thursday I tried an experiment like I did with Truman, when I was worried about my supply with him around nine months. After each nursing session I offered a bottle to see if she was still hungry or not. Well, I planned to offer one each time but a few of those nursing sessions resulted in an immediate nap. One time she took 1 more ounce from the bottle and the other time (before bed) she drank 2 ounces but then very obviously wanted to nurse (ie grabbing at my shirt with authority). So I can't really say she isn't getting enough from me. But isn't that the tough part about breastfeeding? You never really know how much milk they are getting. I never worried about it before but I'm worrying about it now.

I bought Fenugreek yesterday (yay for smelling like maple syrup!) and I am trying to convince myself to keep pumping, even on the days I'm at home. I know I need to keep plugging away at my supply right now but I'm just.so.tired of the freaking pump. I'm drinking plenty of water and plan to make another awesome batch of steel cut oats. I'll do everything that I can to keep her breastfeeding because I'm really stubborn like that.

A lot of friends on IG have assured me that they, too, had a drop in supply and they were able to make a comeback. I certainly hope I will be able to claim that, too.

Two more months. Just two more months until she is one and then I'm done pumping no matter what, hopefully still nursing even beyond that but we'll try to take it one day at a time. One bag of frozen breast milk at a time.

Please last me awhile, freezer stash. Please keep nursing, Cecelia. Please stop messing with my head, pump.

Dramatic, I know. Hopefully that's just me being my dramatic self and not end-of-nursing hormones talking.

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21 comments:

  1. You should find the recipe for the lactation cookies. Because: COOKIES! :)

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  2. Did something else happen after you emailed me and said you had gotten 6oz in one pumping session?? Because it really did sound like your supply was back on the up-and-up (on it's way at least!) so I hope that is the case!! It IS really scary to see your output go WAY down like that (I had been pumping 14oz at work and after I got sick there was one session where I got 5oz... I know that's still pretty respectable but for me that was a HUGE hit) but it did come back and I hope it does for you too! Glad she's nursing still - I think as long as she continues to nurse fine in the next few days, just go with that for your trip. Good luck!!

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  3. My supply recently took a hit as well. I never had a ton of milk but enough to get by. Recently it just dropped due to weight loss and stress I'm guessing. Anyways, I just began taking Domperidone to try to boost it. Do not like the thought of using meds to boost my supply but I want to nurse until my son is at LEAST 1 year...he is 8 months now. Seems to be working. Also...lactation cookies, and Mothers Milk-More Milk Plus are good things to try.

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  4. IMHO stay away from the bottles and nurse her whenever you can. Switching to bottles is a death sentence for your supply. She is much more efficient than the pump so there is really no reason to let those lower amounts lead you to beleive she's not getting enough. Trust me - she will let you know f she's not satisfied!!

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  5. Oh and...I can't necessarily promise you that your pumping amounts will rebound - they definitely might! But...there is no reason to think that you can't keep on nursing her whenever you're with her for a long time. Which should help stretch out that freezer stash right?? I bet you can make it a year without supplementing :).

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  6. Hi Julia, my supply totally tanked when I returned to work. Thankfully, my friend told me about a supplement called Lactate Support by Gaia. Saved.my.life! You can get it from Whole Foods or off Amazon. Please look it up. For me, it worked WAY better than any other herb. I'm sorry you are going through this. I turned to your blog for support when I started pumping at work.

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  7. I just dealt with something similar the last two weeks and wrote about increasing milk supply on my blog if you want to check it out. Basically what I was told by my LC and what has been working for me is pumping before feeding my baby for 10 mins then giving him the breast to completely empty it out if he stays hungry I simply just offer the other breast. I pump right when I get up, at some point in the afternoon and before I go to bed (I usually go down 2 hrs after baby does). Another LC recommended I pump one side while he's in the other and then switch them. She said that alone will increase my supply in no time. Now I also dded fenugreek and mothers milk tea to the mix and I'm over flowing but I didn't start that until 5 days later and I had started seeing an increase before that too. With only 2 more months to go I really wish you the best. You're so close to the finish line and I'm sure you'll make it with no problem :)

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  8. Trust your baby and your breasts is always my mantra. It sounds like c is doing just fine. Babies are way more efficient than a pump.

    I have had a few supply issues and what I did after the first big hit when I had a awful stomach bug when my son was 5m was eat, eat eat and drink a ton of water. I drank mothers milk tea which helped a lot, had beer(!!!) and I are things high in good fat like avocados.

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  9. I have no advice about your milk issues right now...but I am sorry about it. I know that it is stressful. BUT...I got a bit excited to see that you will be in StL soon. Mama meet-up for lunch or something? Or maybe a playdate?

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  10. I've always been an under producer, so I know all about this head game! I'm insanely jealous that you normally get that many ounces a day! Just keep nursing as much as she is willing! It will come back. You're doing such a good job!!

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  11. Ooh, cute sweater!

    Ok, back to the subject at hand ... I hope your worries are all for naught and you'll make it another two months no problem. My supply took a major, major dip after mastitis, but it came back. And you are so close! Even if your supply stays down, she might be just fine, and if she's not, you have freezer stash, plus cow's milk after 10 months is fine, too - hopefully she'll like it!

    I feel for you, I know it must be stressful with the trip coming up. But you have three weeks til then - hopefully things will regulate! Keep pumping! The end of that crap is near!!

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  12. Sucky. :( I'm sorry, Julia.

    I agree with Lisa. I think bottles will kill your supply faster than anything. I wouldn't offer her a bottle after nursing unless she is acting pissed and hungry. If she's appropriately wet and happy, I'd nurse exclusively when you're together. I'd experiment over a weekend - nothing but the breast the entire time. If she's happy and full the whole weekend, I wouldn't worry about STL. And I'm sure you know this, but if she's wanting to nurse more often, let her. She'll up your supply faster than another pumping session anyway. You could even try to cut back on solids temporarily to encourage her to nurse more and help your supply. And if it comes down to it and you have to supplement a bit, I'd do whole milk just for the cost factor! I know lots of moms that started a bit of whole milk at 10 months, all approved by their pediatricians.

    I'm hoping all this advice is for nothing and your supply is back up SOON!

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  13. Good luck. I wish you the best. I know you are so upset but I envy you and how successful your nursing journey has been to this point. When I returned to work I would originally get maybe 5 oz total a pumping session... after a couple of months I was getting maybe 1-2 oz a session and that is both sides! So I wished I could have been as successful as you! Cheer up. Keep on nursing!

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  14. I was also going to suggest lactation cookies. Because at a time like this, you probably need a cookie. What about Blessed Thistle? I have no experience with this personally, but I know with Henry I started giving him cow's milk at 11 months to help ween him to it. I was eager to stop breast feeding because he was grabbing at my shirt so aggressively and I didn't like the way it made me feel. Plus I was pregnant and MAN was it painful to nurse. Obviously you'll know what is right for you and Cece, and you should be proud that she's gotten all mom milk for 10 entire months! You go Momma!

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  15. I just dealt with something similar with my almost 10m old little girl. I'm at the hospital for 12hr shifts at least 3 times a week and occassionally those are overnight. It's HARD to pump day after day. With the most recent bout of mastitis I saw a big drop in my production when I pumped as well. My tricks to increase worked great: fenugreek, lots of water for me, and baby to the breast as much as possible. Unfortunately this means ESPECIALLY OVERNIGHT. Those overnight feedings are the key to increasing supply because our hormones fluctuate and they're at peak for increased supply in the early morning hours.

    Good luck! Making it to 12m feels unbelievably great when you do it as you know...hang in there.

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  16. I just dealt with something similar with my almost 10m old little girl. I'm at the hospital for 12hr shifts at least 3 times a week and occassionally those are overnight. It's HARD to pump day after day. With the most recent bout of mastitis I saw a big drop in my production when I pumped as well. My tricks to increase worked great: fenugreek, lots of water for me, and baby to the breast as much as possible. Unfortunately this means ESPECIALLY OVERNIGHT. Those overnight feedings are the key to increasing supply because our hormones fluctuate and they're at peak for increased supply in the early morning hours.

    Good luck! Making it to 12m feels unbelievably great when you do it as you know...hang in there.

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  17. I'm so sorry this happened and hope your supply comes back! I can totally relate to the agony of a sudden decrease in supply at a time when you weren't planning to be winding down. When my son was 9.5 mo, I got the death virus (worst flu or whatever the heck it was I've ever had).. My supply decreased to about 20% of what it was before almost overnight. SO depressing to see those few ounces at the bottom of the little bottle after pumping for 25 minutes! I pumped like crazy and popped fenugreek like it was my job, but the supply sadly never came back for me. It increased a bit after the fenugreek and turbo pumping, but not enough to feed my son exclusively on breast milk, so we had to start supplementing. I was seriously bummed. I was angry at myself for catching the stupid virus, like I could have avoided it or something, wishing I could have gotten sick 2 months later, so I could make it the 1-year mark like I was planning. Ok, this is turning into too long of a comment :) My point is that it happens, and after a few weeks I stopped feeling sorry for myself and my son was obviously just fine plus he was drinking whole milk before I knew it. Hopefully your supply comes back, but if not, be proud and happy that you made it to 10 months! :)

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  18. How old is your pump? Pumps are generally made to be used with one baby for one year. The motor and suction do wear down over time, and the machine is less efficient. Of course, baby is the most efficient and if she is having the right amount of wet diapers and seems satisfied after nursing, then everything is probably fine with your supply and it could be a more "mechanical" issue!

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  19. hey julia - i noticed a dip in my pumping supply when my son was around ten months. i of course was anxious about it, i work in healthcare like you where breaks can be infrequent and rarely evenly spaced (q3-4h? yeah right). i started on fenugreek and mother's milk tea (ugh) and it made no difference in my pumping output. since my son was eating solids at that point i cut down on how much breast milk he got when i was at work (i only work part-time) and then nursed him more frequently when i got home on the days i worked.
    i think my body just stopped responding to the pump. i recently stopped pumping at one year (i was barely getting two oz while away for 9+ hours) and i still have an adequate supply to satisfy my little guy. hope things work out for you. i can understand not wanting to be done yet, i dread the day. no matter how difficult it can be at times it's also one of the most wonderful things i've ever done.

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  20. Hi - I've just recently found your blog. I went through this (mastitis, then a trip away) when my little girl was 9 months old (now two years). I wish I had done a little more to try to keep up my supply but I ended up dropping one nursing session (4pm). That was definitely the wrong choice, as my supply continued to dwindle and I ended up stopping nursing all together a little after 11 months - agonizingly close to that one-year mark! It was rough and, at the time, I felt like a failure. It's definitely tempting to take drastic measures when YOU don't think she's getting enough (I didn't either, though she never fussed about it). I guess I'm trying to encourage you to stick it out, but also say that "giving up" will not make you less of a woman/mother. Hang in there!

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  21. I so understand. Bring back the milk flow is so exhausting and so hard on the tear ducts. Hang in there. I spent a weekend feeding, feeding, feeding. It helped a lot. DOn't be hard on yourself. Hang int here.

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