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The End of Nursing, Round Two


Excuse the heavy dose of emotions and intensity of this post. Any ‘end of ____’ post will always be a little sad for me to write, even though I know it was time. It’s the finality of it, the end of an era, and change. Change is still hard even when it’s good and even when it’s a conscious decision that you make.

It was my choice to wean Cecelia mostly because she was nursing three times per day and each of those times she wanted to nurse for comfort, to help her fall asleep. If she wanted to nurse randomly during the day for comfort, fine, but no. She just wanted to nurse to help her relax to sleep. And if she was sleeping all night and taking great naps, I probably wouldn’t have changed a thing. Once naps and early morning wake ups started to get hectic again I knew I needed to try breaking that suck-to-sleep association.

Plus I want my cycle back so that we can move a step closer to a maybe baby three. But that’s not the only reason, although I can’t help but mention that I don’t want this to be my last time I nurse a baby EVER. Then it becomes even more emotional and dramatic, so let’s all hope I get a third turn at this nursing thing;)

Eleven days ago I decided that nursing down for naps and bedtime needed to stop. We had tried a few other times to ditch these sessions but something always came up (teething, sickness, mommy emotions) and it never stuck. But this time I just started holding her, rocking, and singing to her before naps and bedtime. She only 'asked' to nurse by smacking my chest the first time I did our new routine and picked up on the concept of no nursing after that. Who knew she’d be willing to let go of her sleepy nursing so easily?

But we still had our once per day morning session even after we dropped the other two. And she would still adamantly ask to nurse whenever she would wake up for the day, so I obliged and had no plans to stop anytime soon. Sometimes she would nurse and then be happy and awake for the day and sometimes she would nurse and try to fall back to sleep for a bit. This went on for about a week after we dropped the other sessions and we were sitting pretty at once-per-day. Then on Saturday, her actual sixteen month birthday, I wasn't home when she woke up because of the half-marathon, and she cuddled with Lois instead. The next morning on Sunday she didn't ask to nurse from me after sleeping like a champ all night long. I didn’t think much about that at first and was mostly just really happy to get a full night’s sleep.

Later that night I started to wonder if maybe we were done. I panicked a bit thinking that if we were totally done then our last time nursing was a crappy one, since I was so sick on Friday and near tears the entire time she was sucking away. No, that would never do. I wanted to end on a high note and wanted to really appreciate our last nursing session together. I like to compartmentalize and control, obviously.

So on Monday, two days after her sixteen month birthday, I went into her nursery at 6 when she woke. She didn't ask to nurse and was happy to just cuddle in the rocker. I decided to offer one last time though, and immediately she ripped out her pacifier and latched on. Cue the tears.

It was pretty emotional for me to look down on her long, toddler body and remember when she was just a squishy newborn. She barely fits in the rocker with me now. She's grown so much in the last sixteen months and my milk can take some of the credit for that. She hated the freaking bottle and loved the boob from day one and somehow we managed to make it longer than I ever expected. No formula. Lots of pumping and effort and determination, then coasting in to the end in a relaxed, special way. It’s been a wonderful journey that I feel blessed to experience again with my second child.

I brushed her hair back from her forehead as she laid in my arms. I told her I love her and am so proud of her for nursing this long. I was happy to provide her milk and nourishment. I was happy to provide that comfort zone she needed in the past few months, when I’m convinced she was getting next to no milk anyway. She looked up at me with those big blue eyes and it was one of those moments.  A weak-in-the-knees moment between me and my girl. Bonding. Nursing has provided me with a forced break to slow down and bond with my baby girl, over and over again.

Thank you, God, for this child. And for these last sixteen months with her, including the thousands of nursing sessions we shared. 


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16 comments:

  1. Very sweet post Julia. I just stopped nursing my first baby a few weeks ago so I'm right there with you. I travel for work so it was a struggle making it just a hair over that 12 month mark as my never very abundant supply took a hit after a sinus infection and never really came back. Morning was the end for us too. I've held on to some of the feeling by still laying down with her in our bed for the few moments a day that she's still and snuggly. :)

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  2. This post brought tears to my eyes. My son is 13 months and still wants to nurse 3 times a day. I am physically ready to stop but mentally I am a mess! I'm glad to know that it's possible to slowly stop. Such a sweet and precious gift you have been able to give your girl!

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  3. Good job mama! I understand your tears. Every time I knew our time was coming to an end, I was so incredibly sad and fearful of losing it. With Eli I tried to relish our last time together but honestly that was too traumatic for me. I curled up in a ball that night and cried my eyes out. Too painful. With Gabby, I tried not to notice too much....just go with the flow and sort of let that last feeding come without much notice. It was much better for me. Shortly afterwards, we found some frozen milk in our freezer that was beyond expiration but I told Jim to throw it away when I wasn't watching. I just couldn't stand to see the finality of it all. I think he did it a few days later....I have no idea. I tried so hard to push it out of my mind and one day a couple of weeks later, I noticed they were gone and since we were so far out from our "last time" I wasn't as sad. Gah...I'm such a basket case with this...so I totally get it. But like I said, you guys had a fantastic run!

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  4. 16 months - amazing!! Bittersweet, I know, but congrats on a great milestone. :)

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  5. So beautiful :) You both did great and you should be so proud of giving her 16 months of nourishment. I nursed my older two until I was ready to get pregnant (or already was pregnant) with the next baby as well. Right now he is our birth control, haha, so as much as I complain about him not sleeping through the night yet, it's probably for the best so we don't end up with a "surprise" #4!

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  6. This post was so beautiful and yet I could barely read it because I just started welling up because we are starting this process and it hits so close to home. Your tribute to nursing was so perfectly written. I never could imagine before having a child that I would enjoy and cherish my nursing relationship with my daughter or that I would feel so connected and such a kinship with other moms when I read their breastfeeding stories. Thank you for sharing this special moment with us.

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  7. Congratulations, you rock! I hope my second go-round works out as well (aside from your bottle battle) as it did for you and CeCe :)

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  8. So glad you got to end on a high note. I too really loved KNOWING that each session was my last with both kids. I do sometimes miss nursing but luckily my little cuddle bug lets me hold him whenever I want ;) Amazing when you think about all you went through - you did amazing, mama!

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  9. Such a sweet experience and post. I'm still a bit away from our end, but I know it will be sad and freeing all at the same time. Breastfeeding was a much more emotional experience than I anticipated.

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  10. I smiled a big smile reading about you doing this whole nursing thing one more time. :) I very much look forward to doing it all one more time, too, and I don't even really want to think about that "last time" with my last baby. Talk about bittersweet!

    Awesome job making it to 16 months. High-five to Cece girl, too! So special.

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  11. Beautiful, Julia. You did great, mama and you are a big inspiration for me as I round the corner to nursing for the third time! I hope I am as successful as you. But I might need some pep talks ;)

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  12. Alright. I'm LITERALLY in tears. I'm already emotional about my two and a half month old deciding someday she is done with nursing or just having to stop in general. I'm SO happy you got to go out on a good note with the nursing. I can only hope that my munchkin and I can make it that long too. Thanks for this post.

    Nic

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  13. Oh geez, this post couldn't have come at a worse time for me!!! I just wrote my own post about having to wean fairly soon and how heavy hearted that is for me to think about. I was bawling when I read this - so, so sweet all the things you said about nursing and how it went and ending on a high note and everything. I don't even want to imagine nursing my last baby for the last time! Congratulations on making it to 16 months, such a huge achievement. You went through a lot and are a huge inspiration!

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  14. Made me tearful to read :)

    Congrats on your long nursing relationship!

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  15. Excuse me while I go get some tissues. What a bittersweet moment and I know when I finally experience the weaning of my first, I'm going to be a hormonal mess. It sounds like to ended on a perfect high note and have created a memory you'll get to treasure forever. Way to go!

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  16. Your post made me teary eyed. I have a two year old who self weaned by 12 months. So I don't really remember my last time nursing him. It is quite a shared experience.

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