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The negatives

November, 1: 2016 | 4w3d pregnant

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Perhaps listing all of my worries about this pregnancy will make it easier to handle the swirl of thoughts in my brain.

I am 35 and will be 36 when this baby is born. I am SEVEN years older than I was during my first pregnancy. Advanced Maternal Age means more possible testing during pregnancy (which I find fascinating), and a higher risk of a baby born with deficits. I know we would love this baby even if he/she is faced with medical issues, but oh---it would be such a different life than we are living now. It would be hard on our kids and just everyone, but we could pull together and handle it that was our destiny.

What if I miscarry? It could surely happen again and I think my loss back in 2011 weighs more heavily on my heart than I realize. This goes along with the first worry, because I keep thinking we are 'too blessed.' Which is ridiculous, but still---early pregnancy brings out the worst in my negative thoughts.

Medical insurance: the kids and I switched to Nate's plan for all of 2016. His open enrollment just closed three days before I got my positive test, which means we are on his plan again for 2017. And therefore, I am not with my beloved OB that I've had for the other kids. A different hospital for delivery, which also happens to be the one where I had my miscarriage. The new doctor I'm with seemed nice enough for a quick annual appointment earlier this year, but nobody can compare to my previous OB. We are working on a plan to get me back on my own insurance plan through my job, which is possible because my open enrollment isn't for another few weeks. I really hope this works out okay!

House: well, we only have three bedrooms and will have SIX people living in them. Totally possible to make it work, but I cannot imagine having Porter share a bedroom with a newborn. We've talked about a huge addition to our house for years....perhaps this means it's coming sooner than we thought? I doubt we will move from this house and I think we can just make the bedroom sitch work for awhile. I'm envisioning a trundle bed for Porter with the big kids in their existing room. Lord help us all.

In that same vein, MONEY. Kids cost money, with medical bills and deductibles and maybe a giant home addition. And college. And food. And all of that. Nate is currently making a big move in his career, moving towards owning is own practice. Which is AWESOME and what he wants to do, and has so much potential to be successful that we can smell it. But it's also a scary time since he's decreasing his hours at his current job to make room for the potential of this other path. How in the hell am I going to work with four kids? I mean, I CAN, but the logistics are nuts. We can't expect Nate's dad to watch a newborn plus Porter, plus the bigger kids when they are off school for the summers.

Hurting others: so many people want one child, or a second child. So many have been struggling to get pregnant and now here we are with a surprise fourth kid? I kind of hate us FOR those people. I know my brother and sister-in-law are going to try for a baby soon and I totally feel guilty for stealing their thunder a bit. Another friend of mine has been struggling for a second child and I dread telling her this news so much. Blog reading seems to be on a major decline, but I'm sure there are still plenty out there who will hate me for this announcement. Although I shouldn't care what other people think about us, I'm trying to prepare for some nasty comments about our reproductive habits and choices. Gross.

Twins. Enough said.

No more working on my fitness: meaning, running hard and fast probably cannot happen during pregnancy. I was really starting to get my mind and body back after three kids, and my favorite stress reliever is currently running. I run often and I run faster than I've ever run before. As much as I would like to continue running for the next nine months, it's not going to be the same and pushing my body in pregnancy scares me too much.

And finally, am I really mom enough for FOUR kids? Do I have it in me to be patient and loving and....available for four needs at once? Can I do it? Am I cut out for four tiny human beings depending on me? I better be, huh?

Man, the first trimester really brings out the worst in my mental state. It's hard to stay positive and I don't want to sound whiney about all of my worries. I'm an adult and know how babies are made, so I can't complain too much. It's just a little scary, and I guess it has been scary every.single.time before this.

So yeah, all of these worries are the predominant thoughts in my head today. The excitement is there too, and the shock is slowly wearing off but not gone just yet. I have known I'm pregnant for five days and it's amazing how many extreme emotions I've already felt. I'll write about how I found out and all of those details another day. Today is all about the worries I need to wash away with frantic typing.

I just re-read some of my older pregnancy posts and remembered: today I am pregnant and I love my baby. And also, 'just do the next thing.' Word, Julia of yesteryear. Word.

25 comments:

  1. Julia, I have loved reading your blog for the last few years, and just know that you got this. I only met you once, but you seem like such a great mom, and your kids seem pretty awesome too. I can't imagine how overwhelmed you're feeling, but God won't give you more than you can handle :) You're going to have a house full of laughter and smiles, and so many memories with 4 kids. I'll keep you in my prayers, but I can't wait to see and read about this next little one :)

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    1. Thank you, Jamie. This is so kind and you are right, God won't give us more than we can handle. So true.

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  2. I think the one thing I hated most about being pregnant was how much my hormones messed with my brain! Hang in there! I'm one of those obnoxious people who believe everything happens for a reason and that it really does all work out, even if it doesn't work out in the way we expect. Be kind to yourself, feel all the feelings, and then keep moving forward.

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    1. Totally, the hormones are out of control! I am also one that believes things happen for a reason, and thank you for reminding me of this!

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  3. I'm not sure I've ever commented before, but hi! I have two children now, but there was a time when I struggled to get pregnant and I was devastated by every pregnancy announcement I saw. I also had two miscarriages, which made me hate basically every pregnant woman in the world. So your concerns about people hating is valid. But the simple fact that you recognize and acknowledge that makes a world of difference. It's the women who were blissfully ignorant about their good fortune that really broke my heart. It wasn't their fault and I knew that, but it crushed me. However, when women acknowledged their good fortune (even if it was a bit shocking and unexpected!), it made a big difference.

    All that to say, congratulations! And you deserve good things even while others are struggling.

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    1. Thank you for this, I'm glad that my acknowledging that others are struggling is helpful. I really do appreciate comments like this!

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  4. one. You are definitely MOM ENOUGH! You are an amazing mom, I love watching you roll from 1, to 2, to 3. I think we've been blog friends since our losses, and you have helped guide me in your blog ways with one, to two, and I watch in awe of how seemlessly you add more to your family and how much love you all have.

    two. my mom was 35 when preg with me and 36 at delivery. Not saying just because I'm perfect means your babe will be too ;) but , there is still a much higher chance your babe will be perfect than any elevated increases bc of AMA.

    Congrats to Nate for being so successful and laying the path for a dream job. I'm sure you guys will make the room situation work, whether it be baby bunks in with mom and dad for a while, or addition comes early. I hope you are able to get your doctor with your open enrollment, and while its sweet of you to feel guilt over your blessing and that others are hurting, it's not something you can carry with you. Having had a hard time conceiving at one point and being in those shoes, I know now it serves no one to carry around the guilt. Doesn't help them, nor you. It's wonderful you are thoughtful and considerate, but worry that they may be pained is worry that needs to be let free from your mind. We give ourselves enough anxiety. You guys are going to rock this, can't wait to watch and cheer from the sidelines :)

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    1. Okay, Erinn, way to make a girl cry! You are the sweetest and your support means the world to me. I love that your mom had you at my age, because duh. And you're right, carrying around guilt about getting pregnant helps nobody. I'm embracing it! Promise. We do have a lot of love and a lot of fun around here, I'm glad that shines through my complaints and worries;) You're the best and your comment made my day.

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  5. I am really appreciating these honest posts! Thank you for not glossing over your feelings about things! And congrats!

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    1. You're welcome, Lacey. Honest, indeed! I even forgot how negative these early posts were until I read them again!

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  6. I've been reading your blog since Truman was born and have been trying (unsuccessfully) to get pregnant since that time as well, and just want to say that even though your announcement stirred up some jealousy, I'm always thrilled when someone gets pregnant. Others may have different opinions and feelings on this, but don't feel badly for those of us struggling with infertility on account of you being pregnant — empathy is good, but most of us love when someone else gets pregnant despite our own dreams. Congrats again!

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    1. Thank you for this comment, Liz, I really appreciate your honesty. I wish you the best of luck and baby dust and everything I've got! ;)

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  7. I have to admit your announcement caught me totally off guard and I was a little upset when I first read it b/c you have talked about your family being complete. More so upset with myself for letting my guard down. My husband and I have struggled for over 4 years to get pregnant and are waiting to schedule surgery for me and then hopefully our third embryo transfer. All that to say I can still be happy for you while being sad for myself, and even having those thoughts about how people will react shows what a caring person you are. I am very open about my infertility with family, friends, and coworkers but found that my openness made them uncomfortable telling me about pregnancies which was never my intention. I can only speak for myself but as someone dealing with infertility the best thing you can give someone is time to digest the news on their own. As informal as it sounds receiving the news via text or email is better than in person or over the phone because we don't need to respond and you won't hear us trying not to cry. And for all those people struggling try to remember just because someone gets pregnant that doesn't mean there is one less baby out there for you.

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    1. Thanks for sharing this, Anon. I definitely try to be caring and empathetic to those that aren't walking in my same shoes, and I'm glad that showed through in this post. I followed your advice, even before this comment, and texted my good friend who's undergone two rounds of IVF for her second baby. Best miracle of all? She is two weeks behind me with this pregnancy and is so excited and deserving. Best of luck to you and your journey!!

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  8. I think these are totally normal thoughts.... With my 2nd pregnancy I thought this. You have a village.

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    1. An an excellent village at that, you are right. Thank you!

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  9. Hi Julia, long time blog reader, first time commenter here! I've been reading your blog for a while - I'm sorry, I should have commented sooner. I love reading about how another mom manages the daily challenges of life with children. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I only have one child, a son who is 18 months old. We tried for years to have him and in the end it took a team of medical professionals, a lot of money, an early loss and countless sacrifices in order to get pregnant and carry to term. So I feel qualified to assure you that NO ONE will hate you for your surprise miracle (which is what babies are!)! My first thought when I read your news was "that's amazing, she's pregnant!" I am so happy for you and I don't even know you! So I'm sure that the people in your life will be incredibly happy for you as well. Of course, I am envious as hell and wish I could have that kind of experience. But I have come to realize that everyone is dealt their own struggles and challenges in life.

    My husband and I are likely going to start fertility treatments again soon (if we want another child, we need to get on it since I'm already 36) and I have been dreading it and feeling like I'm not ready for another child - at least not when it takes so much for us to make it happen. (Also, I dread dealing with that first year of terrible sleep!) But something about your announcement made me realize that I do want another child and so I really just wanted to reach out and say thank you for that.

    I hope you will continue to blog about your life with 4 children once this little one arrives. Your honest perspective on motherhood and life is an inspiration to me and I'm sure to others as well.

    All the best,
    Laura

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    1. Thank you for this, Laura, it was really touching to read. I'm happy that you want another child and wish you nothing but the best possible journey towards that baby. I will continue to blog about this pregnancy, it's comments like these that keep me going and make it seem worthwhile to go public with many of my innermost thoughts. Best of luck to you!

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  10. Bless your heart! First, revel in the miracle that is this baby. God choose you for a reason. I have been told that the transition from 2 to 3 is the hardest by those with big families so I bet the transition from 3 to 4 is going to be no big deal. The kids will help. I was never blessed with children but I would never ever ever hate someone for the miracle I was never given. There is a reason that I am suppose to be the best auntie ever.

    I wish you wouldn't worry so much. What will be will be and I know without a shadow of a doubt that this baby will be loved like the 3 before her/him. I'm team girl by the way.

    Please try to enjoy this. I cannot wait to read the posts you are going to create.

    -mary mattioni

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    1. I'm enjoying NOW, I promise! So very much. Back in November it was all just settling into my head and it was an adjustment mentally. I'm a worrier but I'm working on it! ;) It's going to be great, for sure.

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  11. I have been reading since sometime during your pregnancy with Porter. Your baby #3 and my baby #1 were born around the same time. I can't even tell you how much it helped my sanity the early days to read about how you gracefully handled a growing busy family week-by-week and month-by-month while I adjusted to motherhood. And I loved your moms make it work series. And then when I was pregnant again, and then bringing home #2, I found myself reading back thru your archives of what it looked like to add a sibling, to juggle being a WOHM, etc. Can a person be an unintentional, unilateral, internet mentor? If so, you are a mentor to me. Thank you!

    I know as readers that we only know a small slice of your life thru this blog but I think you are going to be an amazing mom of 4! I think the thing that comes through most clearly in your blog is how much you care your kids, and how you see them and love them each as individuals, and parent them in the particular way that each needs. Plus you seem to have a great sense of humor about the chaos of life with little ones. :)

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    1. Thank you, KM, what a nice comment to read! Gotta keep that sense of humor in the midst of chaos, it's the only way to have fun with it. I'm glad this blog has served you in some way as you transition from 0 to 1 to 2! Best of luck.

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  12. Congrats! I have read your blog for a while and enjoyed your comments because our family situation is similar (I also have 3 young kids, work in the medical field and have a part time schedule so I am sometimes stay at home and sometimes working mom). I would like to say, try not to worry too much about being AMA. Certainly, do all the testing that your doc recommends but the odds are still very much in your favor. I had my first at 36, second at 37 and third at 39. All are happy and healthy. Good luck with the first trimester!!

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    1. Awesome, I love hearing about moms in their late 30s having no issues at all. It's really not a huge deal, and I'm looking forward to hearing my OB's perspective on testing next week. Thank you!

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  13. I sincerely hope you don't get those negative comments. As someone who struggled to start her family for over 14 years, I certainly would never hold a surprise pregnancy against you. But then again, I've never been one to be hurt by pregnancy announcements. Easy for me to say now, because we were FINALLY blessed, but it most definitely wasn't an easy road, and it's not even a choice for us to try again. I think you are amazing to think about those that struggle with infertility. I love your honesty in this post. It's not always an easy thing to share your deepest feelings and concerns, and here you are sharing it with the world. You have a beautiful family. I look forward to continuing to follow your story as your family grows.

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