38 weeks | Baby #4

Last possible comparison of all four pregnancies, since Truman was born right at 38w0d (because of induction with pre-eclampsia)!



So, this photo comparison really stressed me out for awhile today.  I ended up tossing the original, and took the above current picture tonight instead of using the one I took this morning. It just seemed like my belly looked SO SMALL and I started feeling a little panicky, like, 'Maybe everyone is right, I'm really too small and this baby is having a growth restriction or something.' Which is ridiculous and not at all 'zen' like I'm intending to be, but still. It was a very real concern for me this morning. Now the above picture doesn't seem so starkly different this time compared to the others. I mean, I'm carrying differently all four times (I actually think this belly looks more like Cecelia's than anything!) but I certainly don't think this baby is 5 pounds while my others were 7-8, you know? Just goes to show that my belly is definitely bigger in the evenings, or he's settled down lower as the day goes on.

It also goes to show that I'm a head case, in case you weren't already keenly aware of this fact. Yes, the end of pregnancy 'crazies' have entered. Watch out.



I've also been a little bit obsessed with birth stories this past week, listening to The Birth Hour podcast every day, and looking up 'positive' stories online. I also watched The Business Of Being Born again, on Netflix, knowing that it really knocks hospital births and also features a birth go 'wrong', with a breech baby coming at 34 weeks and needing a C-section. That baby had a growth restriction, which is probably why I was concerned with that issue today, I guess. I've come to realize that no matter how many 'positive' birth stories I read/hear, there are still going to be scary things that happen along the way. One of the stories on the podcast was great, but even just having her mention that she knew of two full-term babies dying in utero 'from being overdue' was enough to make me panicky. Yes, horrible things can happen at the end of pregnancy, during birth, and immediately after...and beyond. But I still get to choose my thoughts and have to let go of the fears. Deep breaths.

Despite all of that mumbo jumbo, my Hypnobabies tracks have been super helpful and I really like the Fear Clearing Session the best, plus the Visualizing Your Birth track is amazing. It's still incredibly challenging to stay awake during the tracks but it is possible;) Aside from some heavy worries creeping into my mind, I'm mostly feeling super excited for labor and delivery. The sense of dread that arrives, knowing what I'm up against, hasn't hit me yet. Perspective can be a beautiful thing when it comes to motherhood---subsequent children have reaped the benefits of me being more laid back, more 'this too shall pass,' and less 'OMG, is it going to be this hard FOREVER?' But aside from perspective on motherhood, I now have perspective on birth itself. I haven't had 'bad' births by any means, but they have all been fairly riddled with anxiety and worries over what could go wrong. When the first killer contraction hit with subsequent labors, I vividly remember being like, 'Nope, I hate this, I cannot do it again.' This time I want to hold onto the perspective that I can and I will have to do it again. The intensity of labor will be a microsecond in the big picture of my life. Temporary and worth it.

I can't control how or when it all goes down but I can absolutely control my thoughts. I will tell myself that it's going to be a beautiful, peaceful, quick birth. And that I deserve that! It really is one of the most magical moments imaginable, isn't it? As mothers, we get to bring another human being into this world, from inside our bodies. It's seriously indescribable and gets me all emotional just thinking about it....yes, even the fourth time around. What a privilege. Man, it's hard to wrap my head around giving birth SO FREAKING SOON.

Veins are out of control.


Anyway. OB appointment on Friday went well. Baby measures on track (but again, I'm wondering if the uterus measurement is really that accurate), I'm up two more pounds, BP is good, and I'm still 1cm dilated but now 70% effaced. Looking back at other pregnancies, I was totally closed and not effaced with Truman's induction, was closed but 50% effaced two days before Cecelia was born, and was 1.5-2 cm and 50% effaced with Porter the week before he was finally born. I wasn't even going to have her check me on Friday but figured, 'what the heck?'. Internals don't really bother me and I don't think it means much either way, but it's nice to know SOMETHING is happening down there.

Side note: I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about how I should do an excel spreadsheet comparing my four pregnancies in various categories. #Loser

This is how my belly looks when I wake up in the morning. CRAZY compact and lumpy, and yes I've been sleeping in a sports bra and shorts lately. I'm a heater, can't help it.


We had a good discussion about induction this time: I told my OB I really want to avoid Pitocin if at all possible. She didn't bat an eye and said, 'Of course, that's not a problem, as long as you aren't more than one week overdue.' She said if I hit my due date we will discuss a date for induction a week later, and honestly---as much as I hate Pitocin, I think going past 41 weeks with my fourth baby sounds just as horrible;) I feel like if I DO surpass my due date, I could probably convince my OB to just break my water instead of using pit to start an induction. I mean, both breaking my water and starting Pitocin are game-changers for me. Once my water breaks (happened naturally, pretty early on in labor for both Truman and CC, my OB broke it for Porter at around 4cm) the contractions get crazy intense. And of course, Pitocin with both boys meant that the contractions were right on top of each other, very intense, and sometimes would piggy back without a break. If I have any shot of remaining calm, peaceful, and in control it has to be without Pitocin, it just has to! So I'm visualizing a birth similar to Cecelia: no pitocin needed, no artificial breaking of my waters, really pretty quick overall (I went from a 2-10cm in 3 hours). BUT, I want less anxiety and want to remain mentally in control the entire time, without the pivotal freak-out moment.

And as far as the epidural goes, the more I contemplate, the more I think I can probably convince myself to just forgo the wretched 'waiting' period from the time when I decide I need it and the time I actually get it. Not to mention sitting still while the anesthesiologist places the gigantic needle is THE WORST, and the last two of three epidurals I've had really did not help that much. I just read back over my birth stories for Cecelia and Porter and noted that by the time I got both of those epidurals, I was already at an 8cm and really didn't think they helped with pain management all that much. SO AGAIN, perhaps I can just skip the agonizing wait, sitting still, and then being disappointed by the continued pain of labor with an epidural and go without? The key here is time: if I can progress quickly, I have confidence I can just plow through without the drugs. If things are happening slowly (please, God, no!) then I know it will be really rough to stay focused.

Lots of rambling in this post already, huh? It's like a stream of consciousness, 100% focused on birth. Yay? Yikes.

This week at work I noticed myself wrapping things up, to prepare for maternity leave. I still plan to work until my due date (at least?) but it's nice to know that as I walk out of the building, everything is pretty much in order in case I'm not back there until October. Having typical thoughts about my water breaking at work (the horror!), or as I'm driving home for the day. It's wild to think I will be there maybe ten more days, max!

Nesting is in FULL FORCE this week. I am super proud to say that the basement is now officially organized and everything for the baby has been sorted/washed/set out and ready to go. The attic is also completely bare, ready for one more haul to the dumpster or recycling. I found a Mamaroo swing on Craigslist and picked it up this week, which is something that's been on my list since....forever? Really wish I didn't sell ours but I'm glad I found another one online;) The baby's adorable coming home outfit arrived, my mom sent me a new mother's necklace with all four names on it (!!) and my hospital bag is basically ready to go.

Taking it to the next level, I scrubbed our shower tile while listening to a podcast this week. I cleaned toilets and our kitchen sink, which I tend to label as 'semi-deep cleaning' and something that I definitely don't do every week. I'm definitely feeling like this baby cannot come home to a filthy house and also, I have a feeling my standards for what 'clean' really is will change vastly after this child arrives. It will have to change or I might go crazy, so might as well get everything up to par now while I can!



ALSO, we officially broke ground on the house construction this week. We are now have two giant holes in the backyard with the beginnings of 'footings' for cement and soon-to-be support poles. Also a digger and a Bobcat are hanging out in our backyard, which means the kids are in heaven (one nearly three-year-old in particular). It's been fun to watch the transformation happen and we are pumped that it's finally a real thing: we are doing a big addition on our house! It's going to be wild and we cannot wait.





Overall, I'd say that I'm feeling 'too good' for being 38 weeks pregnant. But I have great energy until about 5pm when I just cash out. Then my patience for the children's shenanigans is at an all time low. We are also just adjusting to their summer schedules and different dynamics now that all three are home, and it's been fine but a little bit brutal. The whining and the arguing and the lack of listening (all past 5pm, mind you) has me near my breaking point many evenings. Nate was gone for bedtime a few times this past week and so Saturday I declared I needed some mommy alone time. I got a manicure and pedicure all alone and it was glorious! I plan to do a pre-natal massage next weekend and really really want to chop off my hair, but I know my stylist will try to talk me out of it right now.

I've been eating ice cream almost every night and fully enjoying it, but otherwise food is pretty meh. Baby loves ice cream, though, and who am I to say 'no'? He's super active after I eat and mostly in the evenings, but I'm also having a lot more BH contractions throughout the day. Nothing painful but definitely noticeable several times every day. I'm thinking one of these evenings the BH will turn into the real deal and we will have a baby with us by morning, but I know it could theoretically happen during the day, too.



My gut tells me I have a few more weeks of being pregnant and could very well be overdue again. I'm not sure why I think that, Nate is totally adamant that I won't go past my due date but we will see. I'm feeling all of the feels though, you guys. Truman is just ecstatic and keeps kissing my belly, saying he cannot wait to meet his baby brother, and is predicting that I will have him early just because he's so impatient to meet this kid. Cecelia is extra sensitive lately, too, saying she loves me and loves the baby, and can't wait to hold him. Porter has been sweet in his own way, speaking to my belly and asking if today is the day he's going to come out.





We are soaking in as much family time as we can! It's such a special time in our lives and I know it's the calm before the storm in a way. I don't feel like I've hit the wall with this pregnancy and can't really let myself think about it being the LAST last time I'll feel a baby kicking inside of me. It's all so surreal and bittersweet, but mostly sweet;)

End of rambling! Longest weekly post ever.