April 28: Days at Home

My days at home on Tuesdays and Thursdays are much more relaxed in the mornings compared to my work days. It's really nice not to have a strict schedule on my days wearing my SAHM hat. Truman still has to get to school by 8:20 but there's no daycare time frame and no patient schedule for me to focus on, either.

BUT my home days contain a consistent amount of chaos plugged throughout the entire day. Being home with three kids is not EASY at all, OMG. But it's like the stress gets drawn out from the time everyone wakes up, until the time everyone goes to bed instead of being smashed into the pre-work hours and post-work hours. Chaos still abounds but it's not quite as concentrated into a few select hours.

A general run down of my days at home, in the name of memory preservation since routines seem to change as soon as everything feels semi-settled! 

Mornings at home include me waking up around 6:00 and running outside before the big kids get downstairs, which automatically sets my day off in a positive direction. Like I said on IG, nothing like a 3-4 mile jog to provide me with endorphins and energy to tackle the day with my loves. Even if the kids completely kick my butt two seconds within stepping inside the door, at least I had that 'me time' to fake a sense of peace! I have become a huge fan of morning workouts and could technically run before work, too, but nah--I prefer to stick with my days off. One less thing to cram into the work morning routine that way.

I get back from my run around 7:00 right when the big kids are coming downstairs. Nate has already made the coffee and it smells like heaven---especially since I could (in theory) drink it at a more leisurely pace on these mornings. Porter might already be awake and chugging his bottle in the sunroom. I'll usually change his diaper and his clothes after that. I'll start breakfast for Truman and Cecelia but I don't have to force feed my daughter, since she isn't going to Lori's on these days and therefore is not on a time schedule. Hallelujah.

Also, it should be noted that Lori does feed CC breakfast there, so I'm not even sure why I bother at home on my work days. I guess I love breakfast so much myself and believe that the kids should also eat a hearty one to avoid STARVATION but in reality, they might not need to eat a ton immediately upon waking. Light bulb moment over here. Glad I've typed all about our morning routines because it's helped me realize pushing a 'real' breakfast on C and T might not be totally necessary. Truman could probably just have a yogurt at home quickly, then his snack at school will be just a few hours later. I usually pack him a Cliff bar and a GoGo squeeze applesauce for his snack and I'm sure that would be a good second breakfast in a pinch.

ANYWAY, back to my days at home.

Nate leaves for work around 7:15 so I'm on my own for child prep after that. I'll encourage Truman to eat, get dressed, and brush his teeth before I walk all three to school around 8:10. If Cecelia is still in her jammies and isn't too hungry, fine by me. Porter might need two breakfasts on a day at home, so he can probably squeeze one in before our school trek and one again after. I either eat breakfast before school or once we arrive back home, too---breakfast flexibility for all!

Once we have successfully deposited Truman at school, CC and Porter and I walk home and begin our 2.5 hours without the eldest. I must say, having 'just' two children seems quite simple these days even though Truman is consistently the easiest one of my bunch anyway. I think no matter how many kids you have, it always seems easier when one of them is elsewhere---but having two kids never felt easy when it was just Truman and Cecelia. And having two kids is NOT easy in general, don't get me wrong. I just think this must be some law of the universe: subtract one tiny body from the mix for a short time and succumb to the feeling of being needed by less people. Definitely a true scientific fact, unless one of the present children is also the dominating factor in life (ahem, Cecelia) and then science gets thrown out the window because said child equals three children at times. She's a pipsqueak but she is a force to be reckoned with, that girl!

This seems like a good time to give a specific example about how Cecelia's mood makes or breaks a day at home. Today, Cecelia literally woke up PISSED at the world. Actually, she woke up calling for me and since I was on my run, Nate went in to check on her. That was highly offensive for her and she wailed and sobbed and cried 'no daddy!' for a good 30 minutes while I was away. I got her to calm down when I arrived, but it really started our day off with a bang. She proceeded to whine, throw Truman's card game on the floor, refused to pick it up, and then needed a string of time outs in her room to decompress. By 8:30, when we returned home from school drop off with another round of tears because someone bumped into her on a slide, I texted Nate to say that I felt like a failure of a mother. Because OBVIOUSLY my daughter hates me and hates life and OMG she's so strong willed. I really dislike feeling like I'm constantly trying to break her, or discipline her, or teach her that she cannot always get her way. It's exhausting when we have mornings (or days) when we butt heads. I hate seeing her cry, it breaks my heart....but at some point, it also angers me because I cannot help her and it's pointless to reason with a two year old. OMG. Anyway, this is an example that serves as a nice reminder for me: being at work is sometimes easier than being at home. At least my patients appreciate me and don't cry 75% of the time I'm with them (slight exaggeration). <sigh> #girlmom #savesherdramaforhermama #loveheranyway #butwoah

SO! during Truman's school we will sometimes run an errand or two, but Porter's beloved nap schedule rules our lives. He goes down around 9:00 and most of the time, I will take a shower at that point while CC plays in the bathroom with my makeup or jewelry. She'll eventually finish her breakfast, I'll eat mine if I haven't already, and we will probably begin a load of laundry. We will clean kitchen counters, dishes, etc if feeling an extra burst of caffeinated energy. Cecelia really does adore 'helping' me with housework and kind of eats up the 1:1 attention during Porter's morning nap. I do my best to really praise her for being a big helper and sometimes we just need to hug it out if the morning has been rough. But other times, she's been silly and playful and happy without the drama. I mean, I hate to only mention the challenging times with my little lady. She is so loving and hilarious and sweet most of the time. Her hugs are the best, her giggle infectious, and she definitely adores her brothers. I *think* she loves me, too;)

Once Porter wakes up from his first nap, around 10:00 or so, he gets a bottle and then we fill some time with playing/dancing/puzzles/laundry. If it's really nice outside, we might head over to school slightly early but our standard is walking out the door by 10:50 for Truman's 10:55 release. Living across the street from school does NOT suck, I tell you.

Truman loves to play on the playground with his friends for awhile after school and most of the time Cecelia and Porter allow this. We head home by 11:30 or 11:45, and *this* is the pivotal time in our day. Just a few months ago, CC would have to go down for her nap immediately because life was just too much at this point. But lately I've been attempting to get a real lunch into all three children and myself at the same time. This is monumental, yes.

If I can successfully navigate the choppy waters of three hungry and rather tired children, I like to feed everyone, push CC's nap to 12:30, give Porter a bottle after that and then put him down as well, no later than 1:30. Many times this winter, we would do a playdate with friends from about 11-1 after school but before naps---which was always a great way to pass that critical time. Truman gets his iPad time during a part of the duel naps and I get cracking on phone calls and paperwork for my next day on the job. If there is time remaining after that, I might enjoy some 'veg out in front of the computer time', before changing laundry. Truman and I will color or do a craft project until one of the babes wakes up, usually around 3:00.

The hours from the end-of-naps until bedtime are witching hours to the max. It could go either way: CC and Porter might wake up super happy, or they might be angry at the world. It's anyone's guess really. Many times I sneak in a few photos of the children at this time of day. Again, it could go either way, but who could ever complain about getting to spend time with these little angel faces?

Heart eyes x 1 million


Truly, not even posed--Truman just snuck in the frame last minute.


Yes, Henry, I will rub your belly right after those two giant baskets of laundry are folded. Help a sister out, will you?


My girl, matching ponytails, and her amazing little profile.


This boy wrote me a 'Happy Birthday' sign in chalk with Yaya on my birthday. Sweet boy.


Post-naps: Porter gets another bottle, and CC gets a snack (or a super late lunch if she refused before her nap). We usually play outside at this time of day, either in our driveway or we go to a playground. Lately Cecelia is obsessed with swings and would seriously ride them for hours upon hours. Sometimes I oblige her, because Porter also loves swings and Truman is happiest chasing other kids on the slides. Occasionally we'll do a Target run, walk to Starbucks, do a library trip, or an afternoon playdate with friends.

Dinner time on a Tuesday or Thursday means I can either feed the kids and then eat with Nate when he gets home, or if I'm starving I'll eat with the kids and Nate can re-heat his meal later. I start making dinner around 5:00 and we are usually sitting down around 5:30 or 5:45.  Porter is in his high chair the entire time I'm cooking and Cecelia is either sitting on the counter and stealing food as I prep it, or she might be playing with Truman nicely. Dinner time with the three children is getting easier with time but it's still pretty freaking hectic without Nate to help in the madness management.

Nate usually gets home from work around 6:30 these nights, and we all get a little excited to see him walk through the door. JUST A LITTLE BIT. We'll all play and I will clean up dinner before the kids start their bedtime.

Porter gets a bottle around 6:45, jammies, and I get to rock him for a bit before he goes down around 7:00. Truman and Cecelia are heading upstairs with Nate around this time for their routine: jammies, 3 books, teeth brushing, 3 songs by Nate and then two made-up stories by me. I walk out of their room to complete bedtime around 7:30 or 7:45.

After that, if I haven't eaten dinner already (jammed it into my mouth while telling the children to eat their food), Nate and I will make our dinner together. If I already ate, then Nate will reheat whatever I made for the two of us.

Then begins the wonderful evening hours with just Nate and I laying on the couch, talking, watching TV, and likely on our laptops. The past few months we have been binging on Lost--up to season three, no spoilers please! This is when I will blog, catch up on emails, and may need to do more paperwork for my 'real' job. Adult bedtime is somewhere between 10-10:30 and occasionally we might pass out on the couch first. Oops!

So yeah, days as a SAHM--the highest of highs, the lowest of lows!

Moms Make it Work: Amy | Stay at Home Mom to a Child with Food Allergies

Today on the Moms Make it Work series we have Amy, a reader who emailed me offering her story as a SAHM (who works a bit from home as well), and a mom to a daughter with severe food allergies. Amy blogs at Milwaukee Allergy Mom and I found her post very interesting, especially related to her feelings on being at home with little kids versus older kids. I always wonder how my feelings will evolve as my kids grow up and eventually attend school all day. I cannot even imagine! Nate thinks I will work full time when our kids are older but I really don't see myself having *that* much free time with homework, after-school activities, and weekend tournaments/sports. We will see. Loved Amy's post on how she makes it work and how things change over time. Enjoy!

What is your background story?

• What was your career/schooling before you became a mom?
• Where are you now?

I've always been a student, very academically inclined. A book lover. Seriously, my idea of fun is sitting down to research a subject, analyze it to death, and then write a report on it.

So my career pre-children was perfect for me. I was a researcher at a non-profit, good-government watchdog organization. Basically, I researched and analyzed how local government was spending its money, whether through its various programs, it was being a good steward of the taxpayers' investment.

I loved the different projects I got to work on, I loved the engagement I got to experience with different members of the community, I loved the long hours spent reading and writing.

But there was something else I loved more, and that was my husband and our plans for starting a family. My husband Jonathan and I met when we were seniors in high school. In some ways, ours was a whirlwind romance – we fell in love quickly, we knew we were each other's soul mates and best friends. We decided when we were barely 18 that we wanted to get married.

That was where the whirlwind ended. Because although we were (and still are) madly in love, we are also both extremely practical and responsible. We agreed that marriage should wait until we finished college and had jobs. So that's what we did. We were engaged all through college, and got married a month after graduation, with both of us in secure jobs, Jonathan as a software engineer and me going from my part-time research internship to a full-time research position.

Well, being our practical, responsible selves, we both knew what we wanted in terms of a family. Our mothers had stayed home with us when we were pre-school aged, and we wanted the same thing for our children.

So, when I got pregnant two years into our marriage with our daughter Alex, I told my boss that when she was born, I would be resigning to become a full-time stay-at-home mom. Although he offered me the option to have a more flexible schedule or to go part-time, I was confident that I wanted to be home full-time with Alex. So, in July of 2004, Alex was born, and I became a stay-at-home mom.

Although the overwhelming majority of my time over the past ten years has been spent with my kids, I have also maintained a presence in my career as well. But it's always been on my terms – with the caveat that I am first and foremost a stay-at-home mom and would only work from home during naptimes, or when Jonathan was home with the kids, so that I wasn't taking time away from them. I've done multiple projects for the organization as well as for another organization. That's a huge benefit of the kind of work I do, and I feel grateful for living in the time I live in technologically – it's easy to do this work from home.

Apart from keeping my skills sharp and staying on my colleagues' radar, the continued work has also given me something that I know I would go crazy without – intellectual stimulation. I can always tell when I haven't worked on a project in awhile from my reading choices. I'm always reading something – that's a given. But when I'm working on a project that keeps me intellectually engaged, my reading choices are novels and chick lit. When I haven't had a project for awhile, the post-its and highlighters come out, and I read and take notes on a stack of non-fiction books on whatever subject I'm most interested in learning about at that point. Which is fun – but there's also something less than satisfying about researching and writing when you're not getting any financial compensation for it.

I started really feeling the pressure to do something financially lucrative last year when my younger daughter Wendy started school. As long as I had a child at home with me all day, I felt completely confident in my role as a stay-at-home mom.

However, with both children in school during the day and needing less intensive care when they are home, I feel more and more as if my role has morphed from stay-at-home mom to housewife.

And that's not something I'm comfortable with. I love planning and doing activities with my kids, and even the cooking for my family and errand running with my girls. The cleaning and obsessing over minute housekeeping details while I'm the only one in my home? Not so much.

So, over the past year, I've been working on building my brand as an allergy advocate and writer, getting published here and there, and slowly but surely getting myself back into the job market – albeit a job market that's flexible enough to allow me to maintain my primary role as a stay-at-home mom.

What are the best parts of your situation?  What are the challenges?

Hands down, the best part of being a stay-at-home mom who works from home a bit on the side is all the time I get to spend with my family.

I love spending lazy summer days with my girls, planning activities with them, taking them places, and being able to share their experiences with them as they grow.

I also love that I have the time to get chores and errands done during the day while the kids are at school and Jonathan is at work.  This allows the girls and me to enjoy our time together after school before the dinner and homework rush, for the four of us to spend restful time together as a family before the bedtime rush, and to not have a rush at all on the weekends when the four of us can have fun together.

    

I also think that, when stay-at-home moms talk about not wanting to go back to work because they wouldn't be able to get everything done, this is what a lot of them are talking about.

I read a book recently, Leslie Bennetts' "The Feminine Mistake", in which the author posits that a stay-at-home mom's choice to become financially dependent on her husband is a huge mistake. In her book, Bennetts dismisses as ridiculous the notion that it is insurmountably difficult for working mothers to provide domestic necessities to their families such as home-cooked meals and fully-stocked pantries:  "While the job of feeding a family requires some elementary organizational skills and a willingness to plan a few days ahead, it is hardly impossible, as any number of working women can attest.  But stay-at-home mothers typically describe their domestic contributions as if there were no conceivable way a woman could manage to work and also put nutritious food on the table at night." (28)

When I read this, I felt like I had to defend my fellow stay-at-home moms a bit.  I don't for one second think I'm indispensable.  I know that if I got a full-time job, Jonathan and I would still manage to feed our kids nutritious meals, get the errands done, and accomplish all the homework and extracurriculars (although I am not promising the house would stay clean -- I have a feeling that would be my sacrifice!)

The thing is that I feel like a huge benefit of me being a stay-at-home mom is that all that necessary stuff gets accomplished without us having to rush around.  We don't have to sacrifice the leisurely pace that helps us all to recharge and enjoy each other's company.

One more advantage of my situation is that I have the opportunity to be a part of my kids' community -- I'm at their school all the time, I'm friends with their friends' parents, and I am friendly with their teachers and school administrators. This is something that's important to me because I loved my own mom being a part of my school community when I was a kid.  I feel like my presence at school helps my kids to feel confident and secure in their place there.  I love that I get to see them everyday when I volunteer at lunchtime and get the rundown of what happened in the morning -- before they forget it all by the time I pick them up at the end of the day.  They love that they get free reign of the school even during non-school hours because they're there with me setting up for a breakfast or closing up the book fair.

I also love being part of the girls' school community for a very practical reason -- Alex's food allergies.  When she started going to school full-day in first grade, I didn't feel comfortable that she would be able to keep herself safe at the lunch table surrounded by peanut butter sandwiches and carrots with ranch dip (She has severe allergies to both peanuts and eggs.).  So I took advantage of the school's accommodating volunteer policy to be at lunch everyday.  In exchange for cleaning tables in between lunch periods, I got to keep an eye on Alex when she was eating lunch to educate her as she learned how to stay away from her allergens. The fact that I'm at the school everyday also makes me very approachable.  Alex's teachers know I'll be there at lunch and often seek me out to ask me questions about buying safe treats for a classroom ice cream party or the principal will ask for my input in EpiPen storage or the advisability of a peanut-free lunch table. Being a stay-at-home mom allows me to gain experience and credibility in something that has become a key part of my identity over the last few years, both as a mother and as a career focus -- a food allergy advocate.

Now, onto the challenges of being a stay-at-home, slightly work-from-home mom. I've already touched on what I feel to be my number one challenge -- my identity is tied too much to my housewifely duties.  Just because I'm transitioning from being a hands-on stay-at-home mom of little kids into a mom with more time on her hands during the day while her kids are at school, I sometimes find myself focusing too much on things that don't contribute to being a parent per se, but more to being a housewife -- obsessing over what foods I have in the pantry that need to be eaten, making sure to rid the house of clutter every morning and to make all the beds.  And because the nature of cleaning dictates that there's always more to do, I find myself getting so involved in the chores that I don't give myself enough time to write. At base, my challenge is that I feel like I need to be doing something all the time to compensate for the fact that I don't have a paying job and that I don't have kids at home to care for.  So I make myself busy cleaning and obsessing over house details because I worry that sitting down and writing would be a waste of time because I'm not getting paid for it. A related challenge that I find from being a stay-at-home mom with kids in school is that being alone in the house leads to me becoming too inward-focused and introspective.  As a result, I think about how I'm stuck at home cleaning while my family is out having more interesting adventures.  I get resentful because I feel like I'm sacrificing my intellectual pursuits to make a nice house for my family, and I'm just not appreciated enough for it. Of course, I won't deny that there is some truth to my being underappreciated -- I actually think this is an occupational hazard of being a parent -- any type of parent.  However, being in the house alone makes me dwell on my role too much, and I have a tendency to forget that even though Jonathan does get to go downtown to work everyday, he is also shouldering the burden of providing financially for us, which isn't easy, and the kids are spending the day at school doing their job as well.  None of my family's lives is all roses and butterflies, so sometimes I just need to get over myself.

One more challenge is the flip side to my happiness about being able to be so involved in my kids' lives.  Even though both my kids and I love the fact that I'm in their school so much, I also am concerned that they're too dependent on me being there.  I want them to grow to be more independent, but just the fact that I'm there all the time means that I naturally do a lot for them, and therefore, they don't have to learn to do some things for themselves.

Is this how you expected your life to be pre-kids?

In terms of the roles that Jonathan and I play in our family ( me as a stay-at-home mom, him as a working dad), this is pretty much exactly the way I expected my life to be pre-kids.  And I've really enjoyed it.  I've loved being home with the kids for ten years, and I know how lucky we are that Jonathan's salary is plenty for us to live on.

As far as expectations go, I have been surprised by how my feelings have changed as my kids have gotten older. Both before I had kids and while I was in the midst of raising pre-school age kids, I was always very gung-ho in my belief that being a stay-at-home mom was the best choice -- for me.  I never had illusions that being a stay-at-home mom was the best choice for every woman, and I wasn't judgmental about other women's choices.  But I was always very confident that my being a stay-at-home mom was the best choice for me. As a result of my certainty in those beliefs, I've been kind of blindsided by how much my feelings have changed as my kids have gotten older.  I always knew they would grow up and become less dependent on me, but I think that knowledge was always a kind of amorphous, sometime-in-the future kind of understanding.  Now that my children's independence is becoming more concrete and in-my-face, I'm surprised by how important having my own career is becoming to me.  I'm surprised by the vehemence of my feelings that being a stay-at-home mom isn't enough for me anymore, that I need something outside of my family to define myself. Something that has really been hammered home for me, especially in the last few months, is that it's okay to feel extremely confident that the choice you're making is exactly right for you and your family at the point of life you're in, and then a few years later to feel that a different choice is absolutely right for you and your family.  Just because I was confident that my choice to be a stay-at-home mom was right for me when I had two young children doesn't mean that it's wrong to want to be a working mom with older kids.

Is this your ideal situation?  If not, what is?

Being a stay-at-home mom while keeping a toe in my career from home was absolutely my ideal situation for a long time. Now I'm at a point where I think the ideal situation for both myself and my family would be for me to have more of a real job, but a job with enough flexibility to be there to take the kids to and from school and still maintain a strong volunteer presence at school -- basically changing my focus while the girls are at school from doing chores and errands with just a dab of work to doing intellectually stimulating work with a little bit of house maintenance thrown in. A pipe dream?  Could be, but I'm working on it.

Do you see yourself making a career change in the next five to ten years?  Or is this current setup for the long haul?

I hope it doesn't take five or ten years for me to achieve the transition I'm looking for!  I hope to find a more comfortable role for myself and my family in the next year.

What are your tips for how you make your situation work for you?  How do you handle mommy guilt?  What advice do you have for new moms struggling with returning to work outside the home, or struggling to decide if staying home is the right choice?

As my thoughts and feelings about being a stay-at-home mom have changed over the past year, my most profound moments of mommy guilt have been as a result of worrying that I'm planning on moving the goal posts on my girls. My life has revolved around them for their whole lives, and I've been fine with it.  Now, all of a sudden, I feel like I need something more, and I worry that such a change isn't fair to them. As a result of this guilt, for several months, I didn't even entertain the idea of taking on a more traditional job; instead, I've been focused on trying to build up my own brand and doing more from-home things that would just work around my main focus of being a stay-at-home mom. But, recently I had a serious discussion with both girls about what the most important things in their lives are for me to a part of.  Both of them were very mature and told me that their bottom line is that they want me to be there to volunteer at their lunch periods, they want me to run the book fair, and they want me to be there at bedtime.  They're both okay with occasional deviations from the norm -- I can miss a lunch period here and there if I have a meeting, for example. Jonathan has also stepped up to the plate.  It's important to him for me to be happy, and he has shown in words and actions that he's willing to take on more of the home responsibilities in order to accommodate me working more. These discussions with my family have made me feel so much better.  They understand that writing is important to me, and they want to accommodate me because they love me.

So, my bottom line when confronting mommy guilt is that it isn't something you should confront alone.  Don't just sit around dwelling on how what you do will affect your kids.  You aren't the only one who makes choices that affect your whole family.  If you wouldn't begrudge your talented child from taking on a sport that takes up huge chunks of family time, or your husband from taking a few graduate classes to better his career prospects, don't begrudge yourself opportunities that come along for your own improvement. Your family will adjust, you will adjust.  You all love each other, so work together to figure it out.

How do meals work in your family? One may not think that there are benefits to your child being diagnosed with life-threatening food allergies, but there are.  One huge benefit is that Jonathan and I have become foodies; we've had to learn to read labels, become creative when cooking (Peanuts aren't hard to leave out of recipes, but try baking and frying without eggs!), and really pay attention to different ingredients and recipes.  As a result, we love to cook now.

During the week, I typically cook two dinners, which we then eat on those nights and for leftovers throughout the rest of the work week.  Then on a weekend day, when Jonathan has more time, he will cook one of his specialties. Some of the meals that are crowd pleasers for our whole family: 1.  Tacos -- We either have regular tacos or a nacho bar; both are big hits with the girls.  We usually do chicken tacos since we all love them, but sometimes we make ground beef tacos too, when Jonathan or I get a craving for them. 2.  Chicken Pot Pie -- This recipe is seriously addictive; we all drool over it.  I make two of them, and the four of us polish them off in two meals.  Since the crust is made with buttermilk, I will usually also make buttermilk chicken the same week, as well as a batch of waffles and pancakes.  We either eat the pancakes and waffles with bacon, fruit, and muffins as a breakfast for dinner meal, or I let the girls have them for breakfasts for a few days and then freeze the rest to thaw out for special breakfasts for the kids. 3.  Pizza -- Jonathan makes wonderful grilled pizza, which he customizes for everyone.  He and Wendy like cheese pizza, I like either margherita or feta and spinach, and Alex (She's a little strange in her tastes) likes no sauce, no cheese, just bacon or chicken, broccoli, and she has been known to have french fries on her pizza as well.

Check out my website for more allergy-friendly recipes; Jonathan and I have perfected quite a few!

How do you keep your house clean?
  I don't.  Just kidding!  (sort of). I am not a fan of house cleaning, but I am a fan of having a clean house.  Basically, I make sure have a reasonably clean house every morning (beds made, toys and random clutter put away where it belongs, clean kitchen, and swept floors).  After breakfast in the summers, the girls and I will go through the house doing those chores, and after I drop off the girls at school during the year, I will do these chores.  Then I have a reasonably clean house to live in throughout the day. The more deep cleaning stuff, we do when we can see it needs to be done.  Alex and I do the laundry three times a week. Check out some of my day-in-the-life posts if you're interested in more of the day-to-day details of my cleaning schedule. Thanks to Julia for this series and for showing interest in how I "make it work"; I hope I've been insightful!

{Thank you, Amy! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}

Moms Make it Work: Cindy | Stay at Home Mom to Eleven Kids

Today on the Moms Make it Work series we have Cindy writing about being a mother to eleven children (new record for this series!), staying at home with them, homeschooling, and all that a life with a large family entails. Cindy reached out to me, offering to write their story, and I knew I was intrigued to hear from this mom who has experienced so much with so many children. My favorite part of her post? "Mommies?  This is a tough job.  In the trenches, day in and day out…Don’t.  Allow.  Guilt.  YOU are exactly what your child/ren need.  Whether you are a SAHM or a working mommy, don’t allow guilt to steal any time or energy. " YES. No guilt. Only support. Enjoy the entire post!

Hi! I’m Cindy from Ontario, Canada.  I found My Life in Transition back in 2010 during my 9^th pregnancy.  I am very ill during my pregnancies, and in the evenings after the littles were in bed I would relax and read through pregnancy blogs.  Julia was pregnant with Truman and I loved her posts!  I’ve followed her ever since…

What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And where are you now?

I’m a Canadian but grew up in both Canada and the USA, due to my Dad’s job.  I love both countries!  (Does that make me a CanMerican??!?)  I am married to my forever knight, John, and we have 11 children on this side of heaven, ranging from 22 years old (and his wife Kassidy!) to 8 months.  I am a Labor and Delivery nurse by training; a SAHM by choice.  We’re a homeschooling family and try to honor God in all that we do…(and therefore are VERY grateful for His grace!!)

our newest addition, not in pic above

What are the best parts of your situations? What are the challenges?

Although I had some reservations with becoming a SAHM initially, I wouldn’t trade it for the world now.  I love being able to watch my kids grow, learn and mature day in and day out.  I love being the one to tuck them in for nap, read stories, and kiss boo-boos.  I am grateful to be the one that they can come to and ask profound questions.  I feel as though I know my kids on a much deeper level since we made this shift to having me home as well as home educating our children.  They are also more in tune with each other.   One of my favorite things is watching the older ones with the little ones.  Babies and toddlers keep their hearts tender.  Seeing our Grade 9 daughter  go from being SO STRESSED and very upset over upcoming exams melt into a puddle of lovies when her three year old brother notices her angst, shares his blankie with her and tells her “It’s OK…Don’t be sad.  I wove you!”  -  moments we will treasure forever.

That being said, there are challenges as well.  As a matter of fact, the flip side of the coin bears mentioning.  We spend A LOT of time together.  A LOT.  Being a large family that doesn’t happen to have a 5,000 square foot house means there is precious little alone time to be had. By anyone.  Ever.  At least not without  a 4 hour zoning meeting.  Add homeschool to the mix, and you have days where only the stolen moments in your closet working through a king size O Henry bar get you through.  (or  and a Hot-Chili Lindt) 

Related to me, obviously

 
Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?

Um…NO.  If someone had told me 23 years ago that I would have 11 kids I would have laughed hysterically.  We had PLANS!  5 and 10 year goals!  I wanted 4 kids, John wanted 4 to 6.  I always joked and said that would be complicated…because I was having four.  I was surprised to realize that after the birth of my fourth child, I was grieving.  Every little thing he did, my heart lurched at the thought that I would never see this stage again…John was feeling the same way.  For the sake of keeping this down to a post instead of a three part series, over the next 2 years (and a surprise baby – YES!  It can happen!) we mulled over the idea of letting God decide our family size.  Going from, “Did you actually say that out loud??”  and “This is crazy, you’re only 32 and we already have 5 kids!  We’ll end up having, like, 10 kids or something!!” to the realization that:

If we claim to believe the Bible, and children are only ever referred to as a blessing or reward, why are we refusing??!?

That God opens and closes the womb…and we’d witnessed friends go through the agony and heartbreak of infertility…were we willing to be the ones to choose to close the womb artificially??

And finally, the clincher…with EVERY conception, a soul is created.  An eternal soul that has a DIVINE purpose.  We don’t create life, we are merely the vessels God uses to bring forth LIFE.  Wow…

We realized that we weren’t wise enough, intelligent enough, divine enough at all to decide if a person should EXIST. 

So, here we are, 11 kids so far.  Have we always found this decision easy?  No.  There are seasons that are very trying: job loss, difficult pregnancies, a son born with cleft lip and palate and bilateral clubfoot, two preemies, one born at 30 weeks and spent 3 months in the hospital.  But truthfully?  As crazy as all this sounds?  None of these trials even come close to the incredible blessing that each child is in our lives.  Also?  God provides in all ways!  We are actually better off financially now then we were before we made this decision!  I can truthfully claim the truth of Ephesians 3:20: “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…”

Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?

Ideal:  i·de·al/īˈdē(ə)l

adjective

satisfying one's conception of what is perfect; most suitable.

That would entail a 5,000 square foot house with 12 bedrooms, a vehicle with one of those soundproof tinted windows that glides up soundlessly between driver/passenger seat and the rest of the wailing wagon van.  Oh, and a walk in closet with a large safe to hold a year’s supply of O Henry bars.  And Lindt…but I digress…

Yes, it IS ideal for us.  We are right where the Lord has led us, therefore, we are exactly where we need to be.  We are extraordinarily blessed, and at times we are extraordinarily stressed.  The truth is there will never be a ‘satisfying of one’s conception of what is perfect’.  Not on this side of heaven.  No matter what goals we achieve or status we reach, there is always the next level to attain.  We must learn to look for the joys of today, or accept that today is all we have.  Even during the tough times, we have lessons to learn there, lessons that will strengthen us or prepare us for the blessings or trials to come.

 
Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years? Or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?

As my little one is 8 months old and I’m the primary Homeschooling Parent, this is the plan for the long haul for now!

 
Tips on how you make your situation work for you:

Scheduling.   I am a planner (organizational freak) at heart, so this comes easy for me.  What used to be a personality trait is now a necessity.  Much of life is scheduled in one way or another at this point, which is what keeps it all on track…most days.

How do you handle mommy guilt?

I’ve learned that guilt is destructive, defeating.  I won’t allow it.  As soon as I realize I’m feeling the burden of guilt I stop and examine it.  God never burdens us with guilt.  God will bring conviction of heart, but never the burden of guilt.  We are human.  We will fail.  We all need grace because we will always fall short.  There are many days where I lay in bed at night, thinking over my day.  Was I harsh with her?  OMGosh!  I told him I’d help him study tonight and I got distracted…again…and on it goes.  I can easily fall into a place where I could weep at all I’ve missed, or messed up.  Guilt leaves me in that round-about  “I’m such a bad mommy” / “I can’t handle this” cycle of lies.  Instead, if I take the time to accept the nudge of conviction, it leads to grace, which leads to a chance to redeem.  So, was I harsh?  If so, why?  Was I just venting because outside commitments/stressors were putting pressure on me?  Then I was unfair to my daughter and I need to ask her for forgiveness.  I then need to examine if I have taken too much on, or if I need a plan of action to deal with long-term stressors, etc.  Why did I forget to help him with his studies?  Because My Life in Transition posted today and she’s having contractions???  Oops…ya, dropped the ball.  Need to apologize and carve out time for him tomorrow morning…and schedule my blog reading time!  Because people are coming over tomorrow and I need to have fresh baked cookies?  Oops…pride??  Store bought would’ve been fine too…(except then there is no batter to eat, but that is beside the point. Totally.)  Because one of his little brothers got sick?  Then, no need for sadness, this is a perfect lesson of deference for our older son.  

There are times when a situation brings us to a place where we have no choice but to walk the path before us.  Our 10^th baby was born premature and he spent 3 months in a hospital an hour away from our home.  Every day I drove back and forth, sometimes twice a day.  I was trying to be there for this little baby that needed me so much, but I had my other children at home that needed me just as much.  My mom flew into town to help us, which was a real blessing…yet, I was often wracked with guilt that I couldn’t seem to shake.  In this case, as my dear husband pointed out, my sadness and aching desire to have my family together was just part of the journey.  It wasn’t my fault, and there wasn’t anything I could do to change any of it.  He suggested that I try to turn my thoughts to all the blessings I could identify in the situation, and dwell on these things.  

1 Thessalonians 5:18: “ In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”  So, through tears, I began a list of blessings:  We were blessed to live near enough to a top hospital for premature babies.  The doctor assigned to our son’s care was Chief of NICU, and he was a gentle, kind, approachable man.  We had a reliable vehicle.  My mom was home with my kids when we couldn’t be.  My little son was slowly getting stronger.  

Mommies?  This is a tough job.  In the trenches, day in and day out…Don’t.  Allow.  Guilt.  YOU are exactly what your child/ren need.  Whether you are a SAHM or a working mommy, don’t allow guilt to steal any time or energy.  Pray for revelation and clarity, examine and adjust…

Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying at home is the right choice?

This is a TOUGH question, because it is often a heart wrenching decision to make.  I’m always so careful in the way I answer these types of questions because there can be harsh judgement on both sides of the issue, which would lead me to point back to my answer to the previous question. 

The only advice I would have for a couple struggling in making this decision is to pray together.   Then try to take pen in hand and identify the struggle and emotions behind the issue.  What are your beliefs on the raising of your children?  What values do you hold dear and how will you impart them?  What are you goals for this child/ren?  Scrutinize both options – how do they support or help to implement your vision and goals? Is there anything that will be detrimental to them?  Ask God to show you His vision for your family.  Ask Him to bring His perspective into your plans.  You may be surprised at the solutions that come up!

Achoo!  Bless you! Too cute!

 
How do meals work in your family? Meal planning? How often do you grocery shop? Who is in charge of this task in your family??

We strive to make dinner a family meal.  It doesn’t always work out when John is on evening shifts, or the kids are out at work or activities, but whoever is home joins the table. 

Meal planning is, well… scheduled!  My favorite system is the Big Cook system, (Siemens, Thomas, Smith - amazon).  This is once-a-month type planning, but their meals beat the “everything tastes the same” crock pot phenomena.  The system is easily adaptable to our favourite meals too.  Although I’ve alluded to my stress-induced sugar habit, I really am a whole food girl at heart.  This eating style does require time and planning, as I try to avoid convenience foods.  The Big Cook system makes this so much easier.  I LOVE the ease of having 30-40 days of meals planned and frozen, just waiting for me!  So, a huge shopping trip once a month for the Big Cook (which is budgeted for during the said month) and weekly fruit/milk/staple runs.  Usually this is my job, but John does weekly runs as well.

I plan standard breakfasts and lunches on a 7 day rotation, (Mondays always oatmeal, Tuesdays always eggs, etc…) so that is easy and everyone knows the drill.  I do plan out a monthly menu for dinner by simply printing (double sided) a blank 30 day calendar. I then slot in which Big Cook dinner and sides for each day of the month, and on the flip side I write in my perishables and side dish ingredients I will need for the meal in the coordinating slot.  That way I have an easy go-to grocery list at my fingertips at all times.  


 
How do you keep your house clean? Power cleaning after bedtime? Staying out of the house as much as possible? Cleaning while kids are awake? Purging often? Cleaning schedule?

I’m a bit of a clean-freak.  When my house is cluttered, my brain is too.  I seriously feel like I can’t put two coherent thoughts together in the midst of a mess!  (Cue O Henry)  Because we have so many people at home all day, cleaning and tidying take place all through the day.  The kids each have their own chores and the younger ones have chore packs to keep track of tasks.  (Managers of Their Chores by the Teri Maxwell is great because even my 4 year old can have his own chore pack reminding him to wash his face, brush his teeth and hair, and put his jammies away without needing reminded, and he is so proud with his accomplishment!  If the house gets to a point where it needs a quick tidy, I call a “Tag Team”, which is 5-10 minutes of everyone picking up and sorting of toys/school books/shoes, etc.   Power cleaning happens every Saturday.  Purging twice a year – spring and fall cleaning.  Cleaning schedule?  Of course!!  :0)

*What advice could you give to young moms with little kids? What can you tell us now that you have the perspective of time, and kids that have grown beyond the toddler/preschool years?

Cliché, but stark truth: Time is fleeting…

Proverbs 22:6 – “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

…be purposeful with your time. 

Often in the daily grind of the young years we lose sight of the monumental significance of the task before us.  Raising our children is, by far, the most important job we will ever have.  Each generation will shape the morals, values and cultures of our communities, states (provinces), and country.   Ponder that for a moment… ‘The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world’ indeed.

It is so easy to get distracted and caught in a daily rat race of our own design.  We soon discover it leads to a chaotic life…and time slips away.  Identify personal, marital and family needs and goals and prioritize them.  Write them down.  The list is a great accountability partner.  If a commitment opportunity arises, check your list.  If it would cause an important goal to be compromised, then don’t commit.

…be purposeful with your words…and always speak life. 

Edify, edify, edify!  I cringe inside when I hear a parent chastise a child and they say, “Don’t be a bad boy!”  THEY are not bad.  Their decision or action was wrong.  Don’t attack the child’s character, deal instead with the offense.  There is a big difference to the heart of a child between hearing “You were a bad boy!” and, “Your choices were not fitting for an honorable little boy like you.”  I love the quote by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow :  “A torn jacket is soon mended; but hard words bruise the heart of a child.”

My husband came across this truth in his readings, I wish I knew who to credit it to because it is profound: Speak to them as if they were already like you want them to be, not as they are in the moment.  My husband speaks to our sons about the chivalry of knights from a very early age.  (History buffs: Yes, we know that not all knights in all eras behaved in a chivalrous/honorable manner.  We have taken the Knight Code of Honor and adjusted certain points to suit the character traits we would like to see developed in our sons.)  We refer to our sons as ‘Knights of The King’, the King, in this case, is Christ.  Our daughters are “Princesses of the King”.  Not frou-frou princesses with flowing gowns and matching gel nails, but Princesses with an understanding of spiritual warfare and well prepared for battle with armor of their own.  The same character traits are at play. 

Try to chastise your kids and bless them at the same time.  “You lied to me!  I am so disappointed in you!”  drapes shame over a child.  “Lying is not a fitting choice for a Princess of the King.  I want you to go to your room and think about what brought you to make that choice.”

Give them time to reflect on poor decisions.  If you immediately mete out consequences, they dwell on the consequence.  At times it can take a few hours for one of our older kids to work through emotions such as anger or bitterness over the situation and get to the heart of the issue.  THAT is where conviction and change take place.  Then, deal with the heart issue and apply consequences (if necessary) that will reinforce the need for truth.  (Younger kids need help to go through this process.  Let them go to their room to calm down, etc.  then walk them through what led to their poor choice.)

…be purposeful with your prayers…

As Stormie Omartian says in her book The Power of a Praying Parent, being a perfect parent isn’t possible.  Being a praying parent is what matters.  COVER your child/ren in prayer.  Pray for the present AND their future.  Pray that they will be wise and always seek God’s heart, not His hand.  Pray for their career, their spouses, for courage and perseverance.  Prayer is so very powerful.  We have seen so many answers to prayer unfold in our lives and in the lives of our children. 

When your children are little, for the most part, their problems are little and quite easily handled.  When your children become young adults, you realize with dismay that their problems can be BIG problems…and you can’t “fix” them with hugs, kisses and time in their room.  It is heartbreaking to see our children go through difficult times – we just want good things for them!  But the truth is if we want our children to be overcomers, then they need trials to overcome.   There are times where prayer is the only tool in your arsenal.

Another timeless classic: 

Enjoy this time!  Celebrate it! 

I can speak from the perspective of a Mom whose eldest is now 22 years old.  He is a MAN.  He is a paramedic and a firefighter by training.  He is MARRIED.  

It seems like only yesterday that this young man skipped at my side holding my hand, openly chatting about his thoughts.  I’ve often asked myself if I savored those moments enough.  If I had realized that the last time he held my hand before he realized that he was too cool/too big to do that, would I have made more of an effort to freeze that moment of time in my mind?  It passed and I never realized it…

Mommies…it seems like an eternity before you will see the other side of the little years.  It’s a mirage…it’s just around the corner.  Take the extra minute to get down to eye level.  Set your smartphone down when they are talking to you.  Smile often.  Hug them, listen to them, take many pictures.  Keep their hearts.  Be in the moment…

(The nicest family shot we actually got from our son’s wedding…yup.  The best one.  Just keepin’ it real here.  Note Mr. PhotoBomber up front.  He has a different face on every. single. shot.  Anyone else remember a classic Calvin and Hobbes strip?  He is NOTORIOUS for this! It cracks me up!)

Braden (left) 19.  Zach 22.  Knights of the King

Last, but not least, don’t allow Date Night to be negotiable!  Our children need to witness a strong, committed marriage at work.  A loving, connected, unified couple gives the gift of security to our children.  As my Mother-in-Law always says, “There will come a season where the children will be gone living their own lives, and you are left where you started.  As a couple.  Make sure you still know each other!” 

We are all on a journey…  Do I achieve these parenting goals every day, during every season?  No.  I aspire to be this Mommy every day.  When I make it happen, I am so grateful at the end of the night.  I throw away my wrappers and triple brush my teeth, and kiss my sleeping angels.  When I don’t, I try to remember Lamentations 3:22-23:  The faithful love of the Lord never ends!  His mercies never cease.  Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.  

Grace for the day, Mommies.  If God gives it to us every morning, then extend the same gentleness to yourselves!

May you all be richly blessed on this journey of parenthood!

{Thanks, Cindy! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}