Christmas, a New Year, Much Needed Time with Family

I wasn't going to do any sort of Christmas recap, since I really haven't had the energy to review our holidays in the past few years. But then I remembered that I was sort of bummed out when looking back at old Christmas posts, because I came up empty except for a few pre-Christmas festivity descriptions. Sure, this Christmas was heavily tainted with melancholy over Kellan but it was still much appreciated and worthy of a summary post. This is going to be long, people, crazy-long. I should divide it up into multiple posts for you but meh, not sure how that makes it any less obnoxiously long.

Wednesday: Christmas Eve Eve
Nate was off work this day while I worked, and he took care of all three children by himself (super rare for any length of time)...until he called his dad for back up and golfed nine holes at the end of my work day;) Nate and I also wrapped an absurd amount of presents that night after the kids went to bed. I really am not a 'last minute' wrapper or shopper, but this year a lot of it seems to pile up at the end because I was quite distracted with Kellan's story and grieving. I drove to Walgreens this night because we ran out of wrapping paper and balled in the van several times listening to music. I definitely think I have cried more in the past two weeks than I have in the past two years of my life, so that is really saying something.

It should also be noted that I did make my sugar cookies the weekend prior but then could not get my energy level up to ice the with royal icing. So I made the executive decision to just freeze them and hope that I can decorate them in the next few weeks, or something. I probably also went a bit over board with last minute gifts for the kids, like 'yep, might as well buy this, too' when dealing with sadness over Kellan. All in all, preparing for Christmas this year felt very different and rushed but still very much put in perspective with all of the silly hustle and bustle.

We did, however, get to check a few of my other 'To Do' items off the list mentioned in my last Christmas post. Like visiting Santa and driving through Candy Cane Lane the weekend before Christmas, putting together a gingerbread house, I attended Truman's holiday party at school, and did manage a few kid crafts for gifts. Cookies fell off the list but we still got a lot of other fun memories!

CLASSIC. Truman and Cecelia have twin faces here and sweet Porter, oh my baby.
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Random that they took a family picture but it was free and a part of the package so whatever.
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Candy Cane Lane was a riot for all three kids. Cecelia wants us to get a 'blow up' for our yard next year thanks to our time spent driving through these three streets.
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My biggest boy and his beloved face paint during their party.
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A few ornaments and thumbprint crafts for this year:
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Our gingerbread house---possibly the first one we have ever made with children ? (the horror!)
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Thursday: Christmas Eve
First real day of Christmas vacation for us as a family, whoo hoo! The kids woke up and noted that this was our Elf on the Shelf's last morning with us. We ended up really enjoying Candy Cane Jane and the kids said they will miss her until she returns next year, so our first year as an Elf Family was a total hit. A few of her shenanigans as a low key, not very Pinterest-y elf:

Candy cane Jane Elf 2015 part 2
Candy cane Jane Elf 2015 part 1

We decided to take a brisk family walk to our favorite local coffee shop for breakfast, making it an annual tradition to get the heck out of the house before the kids go nuts waiting to open presents. Also it should be noted that this was the morning when Cecelia pulled out my old poodle skirt from the 80s and deemed it the best twirling skirt ever, and then we all died over the cuteness.

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Let's go for a 20 degree walk, children! Caffeine for the adults and giant cinnamon rolls for the wee ones await.
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We walked to a book store to get a few last minute gifts after our breakfast date, and then back home. Nate also made both Truman and Cecelia an hourly countdown paper chain, just like he had to do last year for Tru.
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We had all three kids nap for a bit this day and then got ready for the 4:00 Family Christmas Eve service at church. My aunt sent the kids adorable Santa beards, light up noses, and she is making the most incredible framed chalkboard quotes. I was happy to get our gift this year from her, knowing she was drawing these by hand and selling them in Texas, she is amazing!
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LOLZ.
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Best we could do for a 'mommy and kids' shot before church:
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Selfie Stick!
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Church, where Porter would NOT tolerate sitting the pews and had me up walking the halls and climbing stairs the entire time.
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Nate's brother, Jon, and his fiancee Brittany flew in this day. When we returned home after church, they came over for our traditional sushi/edamame/teryiaki noodles Xmas Eve dinner. The kids are totally obsessed with Brittany and Jon and over the moon for presents (obvi) so present opening round one was quite successful. Lois always says she is going to keep Christmas more simple and not go crazy with gifts and then they always show up with a RIDICULOUS amount of presents, so much for keeping it simple!

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YUM.
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First of many packed table experiences over the last week.
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Notable gifts: this was the year of the flannel shirt as nearly everyone received a new shirt or three. Nate got some 'cool Patagonia stuff', gloves, and coffee and beer related items which are always on his lists. I got some silicone baking sheets that I've been eyeing, a new pretty throw blanket for our couch, and a long necklace and a long open cardigan (yessss). I was obsessed with Etsy and got Lois a sweet grandma necklace with the kids' birthstones, and I got Brittany a ceramic ring dish that I always wanted for my own ring. There were many blankets for all, sleeping bags for the kids, a rolling suitcase full of baby doll paraphrenalia for Cecelia, Skylander guys for Truman, and a cat keyboard for Porter. I really cannot even list all of the smaller things we all received, but suffice to say it was a grand celebration. Porter stayed up until about 9:30pm and the bigger kids lasted until nearly 10pm, totally wired from just a little bit of candy as seen here.



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I think I'm collecting snow globes now, just so you know.
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Nate and I were super tired but we did manage to bring up the gifts for the next morning, and Nate took one for the team by chomping on the reindeer carrot and cookies for Santa. I love my new plate to use for this occasion, found at none other than my favorite Michaels.

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Friday: CHRISTMAS DAY

Nate and I woke up to Truman and Cecelia's little voices in their bedroom, saying 'Do you think Santa came? I can't wait to go and see!' They both came into our room at 7:30am when we had their Tot Clock set to release them, and they had the biggest smiles on their faces when they said, 'Merry Christmas!' Seriously, the magic of Christmas through the eyes of our kids is indescribable. I freaking love it. Porter ended up sleeping in this day until almost 8:30 so that gave the big kids plenty of time to tear through their numerous gifts. Then Porter woke up and opened his measly three gifts (balls, sippy cups, and a hooded towel) to complete the process.

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Wrapping paper shot 2015

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Notable gifts: Cecelia got the ever-popular tiny trampoline with a bar for an adequate indoor-energy-burning-winter-activity. She also got her requested 'pretend curling iron and hairdryer, but not a real kind' and also Elmo underwear (which she has wanted forever now). We found an acceptable 'purple tricycle' for our girl that can zoom around our house without pedals, another solid request from CC that never wavered throughout the Christmas planning. She also got about a million new chapsticks including giant, chunky, Hello Kitty chapsticks and now her collection is up in the 90s I think. Truman got the new Skylanders game for his Xbox, a Kindle, a sweet Ninjago Lego set, and underwear like daddy (dry fit material).  I might make underwear a yearly gift for the kids just to see when they start to hate me for it;) Both of the big kids got Admirals shirts from Nate, since he works a lot of those hockey games. They both got new winter jackets, and winter boots and a ton of activity books. Seriously, both big kids have enough maze books, coloring books, and Truman has cross word books to last a lifetime. ALSO, card games were a big thing this year for Truman. Oh, and Connect Four plus a few other Sklyander board games. I think Connect Four is his new favorite game! Nate got me some sweet ski pants to wear sledding and if/when I ever go skiing again, plus two of my ultimate favorite Capri Blue candles from Anthropologie. I love these candles so much and it's been too long since we had one in our home! I got Nate a Patagonia puffer vest that ended up being too short for him, but he has already exchanged it for a longer one. We both suffer from the same plot in life of needing TALL clothing, and we rarely learn our lesson with buying regular stuff, I'm afraid.

ANYWAY, didn't mean to turn this into such a detailed post.

After we opened gifts at our house with our little family of five and played for good while with the new gifts, we decided to head over to my in-laws for brunch. Originally they were all going to come over here but they were moving much slower than our house so we drove the whopping 1 mile to see them instead. Somehow we were able to tear the kids away from their new toys and then we enjoyed a delicious breakfast full of omelettes, potatoes, poppy seed bread, fruit and an absurd amount of coffee. Truman stole my camera for a bit and actually got a few great shots and we all enjoyed chatting with Jon and Brittany even more.

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We came back home and did nap time, then dinner that night we had Tony, Lois, Jon and Brittany come back over to our house for homemade pizzas. Jon and Brittany are both vegetarians and Brittany eats gluten-free (just like my mom!) so we always have to get kind of creative for meals when everyone is visiting. The pizzas were freaking amazing though, trust me. My brother, Michael, drove in from Missouri this evening so after the kids went down we could chat the night away with him. He slept on an air mattress in our basement this time around and said it was quite comfy, which is good because my parents joined him on another air mattress a day later. Have I mentioned that I love our finished basement so much?

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Saturday: December 26

My brother played with the kids quite a bit in the morning, Nate went with Jon and Brittany to Costco, and then I picked up my parents from the airport around 2pm. Nate somehow got all three kids to nap a bit while I was away so they could stay up late that night for Gift Opening, Take Three. I came back from the airport and the kids were still sleeping, so Michael and Nate and I got to chat with my parents before the chaos hit. Once the kids woke up they were all so excited to see my parents and warmed up to them immediately. We made everyone a big Mexican dinner this night and were shocked that the kids could handle NOT opening their gifts until after they ate dinner. They really surprise us sometimes!

After dinner it was on, though. Heavy hitters included a birthstone necklace for my mom and a new gray sweater, Cecelia's double stroller for her baby dolls along with GoGo-made diapers/bibs/pillows/and blankets for dollies, more Skylanders for Truman and a giant maze book, and Porter's ball popper thing. Nate and I got awesome new clothes (tunic flannel for me from Lands End, LuLuLemon quarter zip for Nate), we gave my brother a lot of Colectivo gear, and my dad got a new Adidas jacket. Plus plenty of other little items I'm forgetting...
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Mom's necklace is like this but with the three kids' initials and birthstones, really love it from this Etsy site!

Possibly my favorite picture from Christmas break, just because it really tugs me back to reality and what is important in life (i.e. family). And my mom is so incredibly loved by this family, the kids are seriously obsessed as am I.
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I can't remember how late we all stayed up this night but probably pretty late, the kids loving their newfound later bedtimes!

Sunday: December 27
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We started this day with a french toast, cinnamon roll casserole bake that Nate made---seriously delicious. This was also the day Nate and I went suit shopping with Jon, Brittany, Lois and Tony for the big Oregon wedding in July! We then showed Jon and Brittany the beauty of Crate and Barrel for a wedding registry, played plenty of Connect Four, and then the entire big crew ate Lasagna and salad at our house that night.

Note that the children will all be in the wedding, and note the adorableness.
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Connect Four and our over-the-top, Christmas Card explosion buffet.
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Dapper dudes.
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Now that is a lot of people around our table! Twelve including Porter! Love it.
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Mom wanted a picture of Nate, the kids, and the 'original four' of our family. Not good lighting at all but still acceptable, I suppose.
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Monday: December 28
This was a work day for me, so my mom and dad and brother watched the kids for us. Milwaukee got hit with a horrible, nine inches of snow and ice this day. Of course it came down really fast on a day I was working and there was nary a snow plow to be seen. I spent a majority of my day white knuckling it between patients and praying that I wouldn't get into an accident like so many other cars I saw stuck in a ditch somewhere. It was definitely the worst driving conditions I've experienced in my eight years as a Wisconsinite!

When I finally got back home around 3:30pm, Michael was shoveling our driveway for us (yay, Mike!) . I made chili for everyone and Nate had to work a hockey game so he didn't get home until 11pm. Which is when he couldn't get up our driveway and had me assist him in retrieving our snow blower from the basement so he could snow blow in the middle of the night. Super fun for a reminder about real Wisconsin Decembers. Gag me.

Before I left for work, those hunkered down and having fun indoors.
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Awesome road conditions in the beginning of the day before it got scary-bad. Not a single snow flake seen before 9:00 am, by the way.
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This is me walking into an apartment complex at the end of my day, seriously so windy and snowy and disgusting.

Uncle Mike got in on the bedtime action this night and Henry also partook in the fun.
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Tuesday: December 29

I went for a run this morning and made a mental note that running on snow and ice is really the opposite of fun. Then Michael and I went sledding with the two big kids as my parents watched mister Porter. It was seriously so much fun, I haven't actually been sledding in a few years since I'm usually on baby duty.

Found these two in the dog crate with balloons that in the morning, you just never know where you will find them.
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Ready to play in the snow!!
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My little snow angel---I couldn't help but choke up when seeing this photo later in the day. Something about Cecelia looking like an angel while her buddy is an actual angel in heaven. We miss him so much. There still aren't words.
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Sledding on the best hill in town!
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Sledding videos here and here and here.

Michael then drove back to Missouri this afternoon, I made a big dinner of chicken quinoa casserole for everyone, and became more and more anxious about Kellan's visitation.

Nate arrived home from work around 4pm and we headed over to the service shortly before 5:00. There were hundreds of people there and we were able to talk to Brad and Becky more than I expected. I won't go into more details but it was absolutely the saddest, hardest visitation I have ever attended. I was emotionally shaken and exhausted when we returned home, and both Truman and Cecelia were quite sad that night at bedtime. They really do understand more than what we are telling them, and we gave plenty of extra hugs and kisses that night before bed. Cecelia seemed extra clingy to me when we returned home saying, 'My mommy! My mommy is home again! Don't ever leave me, mommy.' Sigh.

I want to remember this sweet quote on the back of Kellan's card from the funeral home. He loved super heroes so much, like many three year old boys.
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Wednesday: December 30
Another work day for me, and the big kids went to a movie with Jon and Brittany for a special treat. Cecelia actually sat through the entire thing too, which is a first! My mom and Dad watched Porter (and the other two when not at the movie) this day for me, score one for amazing grandparents! When I got home from work my mom and dad and I took the three kids to Culvers for dinner. Did you know that they have excellent gluten-free buns? My mom is a big fan and all of the kids devour the chicken tenders like nothing else. Plus a bit of custard for dessert never hurt anyone. No pictures from this experience, but it was fun from what I remember.

Nate showed some leg exercises to my dad when he got home from work, and I hope dad will do them to become a little stronger and not in so much pain from arthritis. Then Jon and Brittany, Tony and Lois came over to our house after the kids went to bed and brought more custard to enjoy. Ah, Wisconsin custard, you are the best.

The only picture I have from this day is actually a picture Brittany sent to me, but look at their 'thumbs up'. <3
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Thursday: December 31

Nate worked until 2pm this date, so when I woke up with the children I got them started on breakfast and once my parents were awake I went for a run. At 10:30 am I picked up Jon and Brittany and we went downtown so I could take engagement pictures for them. I was pretty nervous about it since I am NOT a professional but we are all super happy with how they turned out! Plus it was a ton of fun, despite the cold weather. Adorable couple alert!

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We had our annual 'fish tacos' NYE dinner with everyone and it was beyond delicious. Then once the kids went to bed the adults stayed up and played Catch Phrase, Telestations (like Pictionary but more fun), and then Apples to Apples. We all stayed awake for midnight, hugged and kissed, and then everyone went to bed at 12:01 am as it should be;) 2016, here we come.
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This game! I have so many pictures of random drawings, love this one of a dude eating a donut.
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Friday: January 1

The kids have been waking up at 7:30 am every day, by the way, but Porter has been sleeping until 8:00 or later. This morning was no different except that Nate also slept in pretty late and then my parents came upstairs around 8:00, too. I made poppy seed bread and eggs for everyone and wish I had pictures, it was that good.

Then I started to take down the ridiculous amount of Christmas cards hanging above our buffet and couldn't stop there. I ended up De-christmasing our entire house and it felt.so.good. Every decoration came down and is stored in the attic, and later this day my dad helped me take off all of the ornaments on our tree, too. Nate took the tree to the curb and we vacuumed the pine needles away. Then all of a sudden our house felt large again and de-cluttered. YES. I love Christmas and the decorations but I also love when it is over.

Jon and Brittany came over around 11:00 and went sledding with Nate, myself, and Truman + Cecelia. Same sledding hill as Tuesday but MUCH faster! {sledding video of the day}

After more De-Christmasing and chatting with my dad during nap time, Tony and Lois/Jon and Brittany came over with dinner. We had 'Hopping' Johns' for dinner which is the traditional black eyed peas soup and really amazing, especially with the corn bread that Lois made (and Ritz cracker + Rolos + melted chocolate dessert!). We started our first puzzle of the vacation and finished the 500 pieces in 1.5 hours, seriously ridiculous. We had a fire burning this night and it smelled so amazing, really made me feel reflective about how lucky we are to be surrounded by such fantastic family.

Sledding crew.
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Puzzle time!
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Saturday: January 2

Nate and I went for a 3 mile run as my parents watched the kids in the morning, then we started a new puzzle. Another 500 piece deal and this time it took a little more than 1.5 hours but not by much. Nate, my dad, Truman and Porter all went with my in-laws and Jon and Brittany to a coffee shop they wanted to try. Mom, Cecelia and I went to get our nails done and it was MUCH needed, my toes were in a state of distress like none before. Cecelia got a 'polish change' and found a Hello Kitty brand nail polish, so she was in heaven. She sat on my lap as mom and I got our toes done, then loved every minute of her fingernail painting.

We all met up back here and had lunch (pizza!), worked on the puzzle, and visited. We said our goodbyes to Jon and Brittany, then shortly thereafter I took my parents to their airport as well. Why are goodbyes always so hard??

Sister looking entirely too big.
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I surprised the kids with McDonalds for dinner on my way home from the airport and despite being crazy-spoiled for the past week, they were really excited about this treat. We did baths, Nate worked a hockey game, I did bedtime, and then worked on this post all.night.long. Seriously.

What a fantastic Christmas and New Year we had. I'm sad that it's over and also really looking forward to finding our groove in the routine again. I have a feeling that the kids might be a total disaster tomorrow when we adjust back to our more-quiet and low key household but that's okay. As I told them tonight, it's okay to miss our family that lives out of state: that just means that we are lucky enough to love some really amazing people we don't get to see every day.

Congratulations if you made it to the end of this most-mammoth post. Bonus if all of the pictures loaded for you. ;) Our holidays were pretty awesome!

Still at a loss

It's been exactly one week since Kellan passed away. I'm not sure how it's only been seven days, and so many thoughts still swirl around in my brain as I process this loss of life. This hole in Christmas for us all, but especially for Kellan's family.

I struggle because it's really not my story to tell and I don't want to share things that Brad and Becky wouldn't want me to share. I did ask them both to read my last post to make sure they approved (they did), and I think for me personally I just want to focus on my own experience. I feel like I have to write it all out so that I can really move forward: a common thread throughout the many years of my blog.

Telling Truman and Cecelia that their friend is no longer here on earth was honestly one of the hardest, saddest occurrences for Nate and I as parents. We were both crying, which stunned the kids in itself. But they are just so innocent and their comments were a lot more difficult to handle than expected.

We scripted it with the following sentence, as recommended to us by my mom : Kellan was very sick. His body couldn't get better, so Kellan died. Truman's eyes got really big and worried and he said, 'He is really dead?  Kellan is in heaven?' We told him yes, he is in heaven now. Both of the kids asked 'why' a few times and we repeated the script. You aren't supposed to elaborate or go into some long explanation, but are supposed to keep it succinct and clear. Then Truman said, 'Now Kaydin doesn't have a brother anymore. I don't want Kaydin to die, too. Kellan is going to miss Christmas.' And then I sort of lost it as I watched my first born begin to cry. We told him it was okay to be sad, because we are sad, too. 


Then Truman wanted to write Kaydin a letter, which is such a healthy and typical way for Truman to process this news. He addressed it to Kaydin, Becky and Brad and wrote 'share with Lori' on there, too. He said, 'I hope that you think about Kellan to think of the funny things he did.' Truman then elaborated to us about how Kellan would make that funny sound and jump up and down when he wanted to make Truman laugh. Sort of like a wild monkey sound with flapping arms---something that made Truman giggle every single time. Then he drew a picture of Kellan with God in heaven at the bottom of the letter. Later Truman said, 'That is God taking care of Kellan,' and both Nate and I couldn't really speak for a few moments, fighting back huge tears and a sense of grief and also gratitude. Thankful for our kind boy and his ability to talk to us about his feelings. 



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Cecelia is so much younger and at age three, I wasn't sure what she would understand. When we told them both together at the breakfast table, she asked us, 'Why did my friend die?' She asked it twice before I could swallow away the lump in my throat to repeat our scrip. And 'why was he so sick?' was another frequently asked question. But that's about all she said at first--she didn't cry, but she did comment on Nate's and my tears. She seemed a little testy to Porter right after we told them. But for the most part she didn't seem to think about it much that morning.

Later that night Cecelia was crying and disproportionally upset over something insignificant (like losing a ball under the bed). I asked if she was sad and she said, 'I'm sad Kellan got sick.' She asked me why he got so sick. I gave her a huge bear hug and we talked for awhile. She said 'I miss my friend' and I cried the ugly cry, gasping a bit, and really feeling a deep sorrow as I hugged my three-and-a-half year old who was just a few days older than Kellan. Best buddies. So many memories. She missed her friend, and I was at a loss of how to make sense of it all for her. 

Since last weekend, Cecelia has been giving a lot of frequent 'I love you, mommy' statements.
She's a little more emotional and she wanted me to lay down with her one night, which she never does anymore. She hugged me, kissed me, and said she loved me. 'Don't you love my bed, too?' She said she knows I love her, too, because she is my girl. One night she randomly said, 'I hope Kellan gets better really soon. Are there toys in heaven for him? What will he do there? Are there other kids there? I wonder what heaven is like.' It's like she understands but not the finality of it, as she seems to be waiting for a day when he is 'all better.'

Tonight as she was going to the bathroom before bed: 'Hey, we are still alive! I don't want anyone in the whole world to die, Mommy. You're the best mommy ever. I don't want you to die. I love you, Mommy. I love everything in the whole wide world. ' Lots and lots of hugs and kisses from our little girl, none of them taken for granted.

Kellan's story has made the news on two different stations now. After watching Lori being interviewed on the news, the kids were excited to see and recognize her. They loved all of Kellan's pictures scrolling through on the TV and would say things like, 'hey, look at his awesome blanket there! He is laughing and running!' But once the clip was over they were both very quiet. Truman said he was sad and Cecelia just kept asking why he died. Truman has frequently said 'I'm sad that Kellan died, mommy.' And I will just tell him that it's okay to be sad, that I'm sad too, and then we think of some funny Kellan moments or things that we loved about that little boy. It's been hard you guys, but as soon as I think about that statement I feel horribly guilty.

Because, really? Hard? Hard is being the mom to Kellan, losing a son who was three years old, and losing him quickly and to an illness that is 'rare' and not supposed to happen. I feel physically ill when I think about Becky and Brad having to do Christmas without Kellan there. Reading some of their Facebook updates and even getting a glimpse into their reality right now is beyond heartbreaking. I've enjoyed my children so much this Christmas and it's been a wonderful celebration---but there is definitely an underlying weight of sadness as well. Which of course doesn't touch the severity of Brad and Becky's pain.

One very significant silver lining, one positive part of the story: Kellan was able to donate his heart, liver, and kidneys to little children who needed those organs in order to get another chance at life. Talk about the ultimate Christmas gift, the ultimate selfless act by Brad and Becky. It's just amazing to me that they could think clearly enough to make the decision to donate. Truly inspiring to make something so good come out of such a sad situation.

Also, the GoFundMe site is beyond my wildest imagination for raising money. I know a lot of you readers donated and for that I am so thankful, it's really so amazing to see everyone support Brad and Becky through this. I know everyone just wants to do something that might help--I wish we could take their pain away, but since we can't it's wonderful to take the burden of finances away. They are overwhelmed and grateful for your donations, you guys. Thank you.

As Memaw said in an email to me:
"People showing the goodness of their hearts.  Empathy in its purest form.  A reverence for life as never before. The reality that death is no respecter of age. A renewing of the mind that the tangibles of this world can never compete with what really matters. A busy world coming to a halt and requiring the heart to grow quiet and ponder what it may never have pondered before.  There is no thinking of the future, only of the now." That woman sure has a way to nail my thoughts with her words. 

Other things I wanted to mention: we found out that the strain of bacteria that caused Kellan's meningitis is NOT one covered by the HiB vaccination. So it's not like the vaccine didn't work, it's just even more rare than the Type B strain that the vaccine covers. I'm not sure if that fact makes it easier or harder to believe that this is really real, and this really did happen. The worst case scenario played out with lightning speeds and we won't ever know why. I just can't wrap my head around it. The health department finally called all of us daycare moms and of course they couldn't provide the hard answers like 'WHY', but I guess I'm realizing that this particular bacteria isn't uncommon. It's out there, it might just cause a cold or an ear infection or not cause a single symptom. It's course to progress into fatal meningitis is quite uncommon, however, and they weren't able to give solid numbers for how rare 'very rare' is in Wisconsin. I just wish I knew if this particular strain causes meningitis a handful of times each year, or every few years, or what. But again---it's so rare that there aren't even reports run on it, as per the health department lady. Perplexing, right?

Lori and her husband came over to our house on Tuesday, because she really wanted the kids to have their Christmas gifts from them. Totally unnecessary, obviously, but I knew she also wanted to see the kids for herself to know they are still well. Seeing and hugging Lori made this feel real and it was hard to fight back the tears to speak, but we somehow managed to have a great conversation. Lori was happy to see all three kids and cried when hugging Cecelia---I know CC's proximity to Kellan in age and in their time spent together at Lori's through the years made her big blue eyes and loving grin difficult to handle. But it was a much needed visit and all a part of the healing process, to face reality. I just can't stop thinking about their entire family---something that numerous people have said in comments/messages/emails. It's a hard story to get out of your head.

I've found myself in a puddle of tears when listening to music this last week. During the Christmas Eve service at church, I had to wipe my eyes many times when listening to the children's choir sing with their sweet little voices. Thinking of Kellan and how he was probably singing two weekends ago and now he is gone....thinking of how the Christmas story is so full of hope and life and excitement, and losing Kellan has been so devastating....thinking of how I know God must have a plan and this life on earth is not all there is, but taking a child away from this world is just beyond any comprehension to me. Then the congregation sang the song 'Silent Night' and although I was walking around the hallways with a very antsy Porter, I still cried at hearing the lyrics. I know Brad and Becky's house is so painfully quiet now. And sleeping in heavenly peace is such a reassuring, fragile way to think of Kellan. I hope heaven has plenty of toys for him this year, something I know Cecelia wonders, too.

I heard a new song by William Fitzsimmons called 'Funeral Dress' and it sort of took my breath away with the lyrics:

And don’t worry if laughter is on your lips
Cause you wouldn’t be you if you changed for this
And I won’t measure love from the tears that drip
From your face

I can't wait for you


-The song 'Atlas Hands' by Benjamin Francis Leftwich:
I will remember your face
'Cause I am still in love with that place
But when the stars are the only things we share
Will you be there?


-A quote that my mom found that seems so fitting:
'Grief never ends...but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...It is the price of love.'

-A poem that a friend on Facebook found:
"Little Angels When God calls little children to dwell with Him above. We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love. for no heartache compares with the death of one small child, who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild. Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold. So He picks a rosebud before it can grow old. God knows how much we need them and so He takes but few, to make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view. Believing this is difficult still somehow we must try. The saddest word mankind know will always be "Goodbye". So when a child departs we who are left behind, must realize God loves children, Angels like Kellan are hard to find." -unknown

I realize this is a busy time for everyone and not many are reading blogs right now. Everyone is high on the Christmas experience and should be happy/celebrating, not reading sad thoughts from me. But I just wanted to get a lot of these thoughts off my brain and onto a post, as I process all of my thoughts. I know that many understand the experience of losing someone in their lives, so perhaps just sharing my thoughts could help someone else. So many of you have said you are thinking and praying for Kellan's family, and it's truly appreciated. The visitation and funeral are on Tuesday 12/29/15 and I know it's going to be really difficult to go, but I am also looking forward to having some closure with the services.


I hope you all had an excellent Christmas and have been holding those dear to your hearts even closer than before. I know I've gained perspective though all of this and hope it doesn't slowly slip away. Life is really unfair and scary sometimes, but it's also still quite beautiful.


Thank you readers, for listening (reading). ;)

Merry Christmas 2015

Love, the Goolias

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(Card from Pear Tree Greetings)
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