Loss.

This post was supposed to be the big reveal, a huge announcement that baby number two was on the way and due November 29. Truman and his sibling were going to be just 21 months apart. I was supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant today.

But in the place of a happy surprise announcement is pure sadness over the loss of my second pregnancy. It feels like a dream, just like it did in the beginning of this pregnancy, but in the worst way possible. A true nightmare has certainly taken an emotional and physical toll on me.

We didn't plan for this baby; no charting, no counting down days to test. I only had one real period once I stopped breastfeeding. My baby fever was just starting to accumulate under the surface but we figured we'd wait to 'try' until the summer. Instead, God gave us the most precious gift of a positive pregnancy test on March 24. We were surprised, shocked, and incredibly happy. 'How can anyone be this blessed', I often asked myself? 'What's the catch?' We already had one beautiful, healthy, happy baby boy. And now we get the pleasure of doing it all over again? It didn't seem possible, it seemed too good to be true, and the worrying began.

Just like my pregnancy with Truman, I overanalyzed every twinge in my body. I imagined a future ultrasound appointment that included the words 'no heartbeat' and 'miscarriage.' But then by 5 weeks I began to have even more classic symptoms than I did with Truman's pregnancy--more waves of nausea, extreme exhaustion, crazy sense of smell, and even enough bloat to start looking like a pooch. I felt exponentially worse than I did the first time around and that comforted me, eased my worries. I even joked to Nate that maybe we were having twins because I was feeling doubly worse than the first go around.

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I started to dream of two little boys being less than two years apart in age, running around together, playing hide-and-seek, and being best of friends and little trouble makers throughout the years. I loved that we'd be able to use our baby boy clothes again and we talked about our favorite boy names, imagining a house full of men with me as their queen bee. Or a little girl this time, looking up to her big brother with admiration and respect, just 21 months younger than him. I dreamed of pink and frills and a mother-daughter relationship that would surely make me weak in the knees. My heartbeat would speed up when I thought of that newborn smell, the cuddles, the breastfeeding, the coos and first smiles. I wanted this baby more than I could ever explain. My heart was ready and I was excited for the challenge of 'two under two'. A newborn at Christmas time. Maternity leave over the holidays. It was going to be so much fun.

I had my first appointment at 8 weeks, just an exam and blood work, with a brand new doctor at a brand new practice because of insurance changes. Everything seemed to be right on track---an 'official' positive pregnancy test, a uterus that felt 'swollen and pregnant.' Before I left they had me schedule my first ultrasound and said it was best to have between 9 and 10 weeks. Of course I opted for the earliest appointment possible, which just so happened to be the day before my thirtieth birthday, right at the nine week mark. I certainly felt pregnant, still with symptoms, although they seemed to be regulating a bit.

The morning before the appointment I started to get nervous. I was pretty quiet and Nate noticed. I told him I was just anxious to get this over with so we could breathe a sigh of relief. We snapped my 9 week belly picture just moments before walking out the door for the appointment. We brought Truman with us so he could be a part of the big moment in our family history.

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Walking into the ultrasound room I started to get a pit in my stomach. Something just didn't feel right, but I was sure that it was just me being neurotic and fearful over the unknown. The ultrasound tech commented that Truman was extremely handsome, to which he responded with a flirty grin and some waves. She said that she can always tell a good baby because those are the parents who have another child close in age to the first. I was so proud of Truman for being well-behaved, stealing the show as always. And then it was time to lay back and see our second baby.

As soon as the image filled the screen I knew. I saw the big black hole but there wasn't a precious white blob in the middle, there was no flicker of a heartbeat inside. The tech didn't say anything for what seemed to be an eternity and I didn't have the courage to look at Nate or my son for their feedback. I wanted this to be a dream. I wanted to go home.

'What I'm seeing here is a fetus that measures about 6 weeks, and there is no heartbeat.' I should have been 9 weeks. There should have been a heartbeat even if my dates were wrong and it was only 6 weeks old. I remember her asking something about when I got my positive pregnancy test and I choked back tears as I said, 'right around 4 weeks.' I knew it wasn't possible to have a 6 week fetus. It should have been 9. And it should have had a heartbeat.

As the tech left the room to get the doctor I finally looked at my husband and my baby boy. The look of concern on both of their faces was almost too much to bear. Truman's innocent eyes told me that everything was going to be okay but I couldn't stop thinking about all we'd be missing without this baby. I'm not sure what we talked about in those first few minutes of reality but I know that is when I started crying the saddest tears I have known.

The doctor was incredibly supportive and understanding as she shed tears right with me, telling me that she had a miscarriage before her son was born, too. When she told us that we did nothing wrong, that we did not cause this to happen I broke down in the ugly cry. I was holding Truman by this point and buried my face in his sweet head of baby hair, praying to God that this was a dream. The doctor told me I would probably start to lose the baby in a week or two but if not there would be other options to speed along the process. My baby had been dead inside my body for three weeks now. And my body didn't even know it yet. Why was my body failing me by losing the baby and then pretending to still be pregnant? Why was this happening to us? Why?

The rest of the day was spent in a series of tears, a phone call to my mom, and numerous texts and emails to those who were waiting to hear the good news from the big appointment. I spent a lot of time in the arms of my husband, who told me he loved me and that we would get through this and get our second baby. Just not in November. Just not this time. We were saying goodbye before we even got to say hello.

Everything would make me burst into tears that evening---one of Truman's toys shutting off and saying, 'Bye Bye!' TV commercials featuring brand new babies with wrinkly faces. My beloved Henry, coming up to me as I sat on the floor in a stupor, resting his head on my lap and staring up at me with his puppy dog eyes. He knew his mama was sad and he wanted to make it better. Everyone wanted to make it better and yet nobody could change the fact that our baby's heart wasn't beating.

I went to bed that night knowing that miscarriage is incredibly common. I have become a part of a group of women that knows how devastating this loss feels. And now I have to move through the grieving process just like the rest of this group has done, and I know it's not going to be easy.

112 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. As a member of the same group, I know that there are no words that can make you feel better. And it can feel like you are the only one in the world to feel like this, and that no one else understands. Remeber that this too shall pass. We lost our first pregnancy- twins, at 11 weeks. Will be thinking about you and hoping you find peace in this.

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  2. I am so so sorry that this happened to you and your baby. I don't have any words of wisdom but I just wanted to say that I"m thinking about you during this difficult time.

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  3. Words cannot express how truly sad I am for you. Your post brought me to tears. I have no idea the grief and pain you must be going through. All I can say is hang in there. Things will get better.

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  4. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers.

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  5. I'm so sorry to hear this Julia. I had to read this post several times because I just didn't believe it. I'm sorry for your loss.

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  6. Julia, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Sending you and yours lots of good thoughts. Hold T close.

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  7. Hi Julia,

    I tried to comment before, but I don't think it worked.

    I'm so, so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. It's so heartbreaking.

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  8. I've been a longtime reader...I don't know that I've ever commented.

    Sending much love to you and your family.

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  9. Julia,
    I always read your blog and never comment. I love your writing, humor and pictures. Today I read your post with tears in my eyes.
    I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  10. Julia-Please know that my heart aches for you and your family at this incredibly difficult time. I know more than most how hard the road back to happiness will be. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story.

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  11. I am so sorry, Julia. I'll be thinking of you.

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  12. Oh, this is so heartbreaking! So sorry to hear about your loss. You are in my prayers.

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  13. Julia, I am so sorry for your loss. I know words can never help to heal a broken heart but my thoughts and prayers are with you guys. Cuddle your little man close.

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  14. Julia,

    I know that words cannot take away the pain that you are feeling right now, but my heart just would not let me leave your blog without saying something.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. It's hard to deal with the loss of a pregnancy, at any stage. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. Even though we technically are "strangers", we have a common bond. We are mothers. We love. We have hope. And we have been in the space of loss that seems to overpower everything. Miscarriage can knock the wind out of you, but I'll be here, blowing away, trying to replace the wind that was just taken from you.

    I want to say more, but I know that sometimes wounds this tender don't heal with words. So I'll just sent you love and understanding, and let you know that I'm here.

    Hugs and Love,

    Ciana (aka Mrs. V from Becoming A Family of Three)

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  15. Oh Julia, I'm so sorry for your loss. There are no words.

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  16. Oh, Julia, I am crying for you here. I am so very sorry for your loss. Miscarriages are just too common and it breaks my heart to hear that it happened to yet another wonderful person. I hope you take some time to heal and take care of yourself and the pain you are experiencing. My thoughts will be with you, Nate, and Truman. Hugs.

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  17. Julia-
    I have been following your blog since before Truman was born. I know how incredibly strong all of you are; having said that, there is nothing that I can say to make this terrible loss any easier for you or your family. I'm praying for you.

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  18. Julia,

    I'm so heartbroken for you. Prayers. Prayers. Prayers. heading your way.

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  19. Oh, Julia...I am so sorry to hear about this loss. Your post brought tears to my eyes too. I wish I lived close so I could come over and give you a huge hug. I'm thinking about your family during this difficult and heartbreaking time.

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  20. I have been reading your blog for awhile but have never commented. This post made me want to reach out and send my support to you. I also experienced the same loss in between my two girls. It is never easy...and everyone is right...there are no words. Just know that there are so many woman thinking of you and supporting you...even women like me that you have never met. Prayers coming your way :)

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  21. I am so sorry for your loss, I will be praying for you guys!

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  22. I'm so sorry Julia, your beautiful family will be in my thoughts.

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  23. Julia, I'm so sorry to hear this! Lots of hugs your way, momma!

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  24. I rarely comment, but I really want to offer my sympathies. There's no eloquent way to say this--everything about this sucks. I'm sorry you've joined a club that none of us wants to be a part of, and too many of us are. I don't think this is ever something you "get over," (at least, not me), but in time, things will at least get better. You're in my prayers.

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  25. Julia, I am so sorry for your loss. You are such a strong woman, and I know you have an incredible family supporting you and Nate and Truman. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

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  26. So sorry this happened to you guys...thinking good thoughts for you now and for when you feel up to trying again.

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  27. I know there is nothing I, or anyone could possibly say to ease your pain. But, I want you to know that I'm praying for you and your family.

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  28. Dear Julia, I'm so so sorry to hear about your loss. I know that no well-meant words of wisdom will really help right now, but I'll keep you deeply in my thoughts.

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  29. Oh Julia. My heart is broken for you. I cannot imagine what you're going through. The fact that miscarriages are so common is very upsetting. I'm so sorry you have to go through this loss and I hope that you have a quick path to healing. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Nate and Truman.

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  30. Ditto Mary exactly. I'm just so sorry Julia. I will certainly be thinking of you and praying for peace in your mind.

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  31. I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family. Hug Truman extra tight tonight.

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  32. So glad to see you decided to write about this. The out pouring of love is just amazing and I hope it helps those wounds heal just a little more. Even if it's just a teeny tiny bit...

    When I'm feeling especially worn out from saddness I always think of the words of Jesus in Matthew -
    "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

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  33. I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers!

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  34. I am soo sorry to hear of your loss!! There is nothing that can be said to make you feel better - I know this - but time will heal. Praying for you and your family!

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  35. Julia, I am so sorry for your loss.

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  36. Oh Julia, I am crying big sad tears for you and Nate right now. I can't even begin to imagine the heartbreak that you are experiencing, or the courage it took to put together today's post.

    I am so very sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

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  37. I'm so sorry for your loss. It doesn't feel good no matter how common it's supposed to be. Hang in there! (and thanks for sharing your story for others that may need to know they are not alone.)

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  38. I am sorry to hear of your loss. My prayers are with you and your family during this time. I am so sad for you.

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  39. I miscarried at 11 weeks w/ my second pregnancy. My son was was just 2. I was devastated, angry, sad...I didn't want to hear all the normal comments...It wasn't meant to be...it's nature's way of taking care of a problem...you'll get pregnant again... blah, blah, blah.

    But fast forward 5 years and I now have 3 beautiful children...and I realize all those comments, which while extremeley annoying, are true.

    I am so sorry for you loss. My heart hurts for you...it will get easier though...I promise.

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  40. I'm so so sorry Julia. I wish there were words to help heal. Prayers for your family. :(

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  41. Julia,
    I am so sorry. I lost the baby before my Avery. It is one of the most horrible things ever. Please know that you, Nate and Truman will be in my thougts and prayers.

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  42. I am truly sorry for what you have been through. My brother and his wife recently had a very similar experience. I know that there is nothing anyone can say to make it any better though. Just know that my prayers are with your family.

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  43. So sorry to hear about your loss. Praying for you and your family.

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  44. So, so sorry to hear about your loss. Reading your post made my heart break for you and I can't imagine what you are going through. Stay strong as you have a beautiful little boy who needs his mom

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  45. I've been following you since the Knot, but have never commented. Truman and my son Camden are one week apart exactly, so I really feel a connection to your log. I just wanted you to know how badly I feel for you and your family. Thinking of you.

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  46. This just SUCKS. I am so sorry you and your family are having to go through this. I can't imagine the rollercoaster of emotions. I am praying that you can heal soon.

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  47. I am so sorry for your loss!

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  48. I don't "know" you. I've followed your blog for many months. My heart is breaking for you. I hope you are comforted to know how many people care about you, and I hope your family is blessed with another positive test in the coming weeks.

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  49. Sitting here at work trying not to "ugly cry". this is heartbreaking and scary and unexplainable and awful. I don't get it- no one does really. But feeling the well of emotions that I felt just reading this post (your son and my son are less than 2 months apart) makes me hurt even worse for you. I'm so so so sorry.

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  50. Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry for the loss. I cried reading your post.

    Take care of yourself Mama!

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  51. I don't know the words to help you feel better or more ok but know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers

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  52. I'm sorry to hear this, your post brought me to tears. You and your family are in my prayers.

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  53. Julia - I am so, so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and healing thoughts to you and your family.

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  54. Julia,

    I stumbled upon your blog about a year ago and have so greatly enjoyed reading all of your posts. My husband and I have been married almost 2 years and are thinking about kids, and I have learned so much more from your honest, thoughtful, informative blog than anywhere else.

    Today, like so many others, I choked back tears as you updated us. I can't imagine your pain. I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers. However, I felt compelled to comment today to reiterate how appreciated your honesty always is by all of your readers. Thank you again for your thoughtfulness, and as you move through this time of great loss, know that sharing your story will undoubtedly help others as well.

    Thank you,
    Tracy

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  55. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking of you and your family.

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  56. I am truly sorry, Julia, and will be praying for you and your family. While I don't know this type of loss personally, I have recently dealt with it with my best friend, who lost her baby due to abnormalities around 4 months.
    Thank goodness you both have truly wonderful little boys to keep you going until God decides it's your time!
    Sending you lots of love!

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  57. AEOT sent me a link to your blog. I just had my second miscarriage and with my first I experienced the exact same thing, a missed miscarriage. I am so sorry for your loss. It is so unfair and cruel, but I promise...it will get easier with time. You'll never forget, but hopefully you will find peace someday. I am always willing to listen or chat if you want. My email is jac0610 at gmail.

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  58. I'm so sorry for your loss. There is nothing anyone can say or do that will make it easier. Take comfort in the love and support from your boys. I, along with many, many others, have been through this. You won't forget and it will always hurt, but you will move on and you will get your baby number two.

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  59. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss Julia. I'm crying right along with you reading this post. I've been reading your blog since before Truman was even a glimmer in your eye. I know this is a devastating time, and it made all the more difficult in that your body keeps reminding you of it.

    You aren't alone - people are good. Lean on them and draw support from those that are offering it. Hang in there, take one day at a time, and before you know it weeks and months will have passed and you'll be looking forward to that sibling!

    Hugs!

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  60. Julia - I am so very sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.

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  61. My sweet, sweet Julia. Knowing before reading, I didn't understand just how much reading this would impact me. You said so many of the things, I don't think I did when faced with nearly an identical situation. I was crying the ugly cry at my work desk just minutes ago reading this.

    There are no words, absolutely none that can come close to being a salve for the pain. In my experience, it was only love and time. The milestones will be incredibly difficult, so prepare and surround yourself with the ones you love.

    People will be incredibly insensitive and sometimes you will be too sensitive, but try to see the best in all comments. It's the only way to survive a miscarriage without more hurt.

    I've said it before and I'll continue to do it, I'm praying for you, in the way I know so many did for me in my time of need.

    Nate is right, it's just not this time. Just not November. But when it is, when you are pregnant again, it will be perfect, just like it was this time, only this baby had a different path than Truman and your future child(ren).

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  62. So sorry for your loss, Julia. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Hang tough.

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  63. I really am sorry, and my prayers of healing and happiness are with you and your family. thank you for sharing with us I hope all these comments of love will help a bit.

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  64. Julia,

    I have been faithfully reading your blog for the past two years and have never commented before now. Your post today was so open and raw and emotional that I felt I just had to comment. I am so deeply sorry for the experience that you are going through. That would have been the most loved and precious baby. My prayers are with you and your family right now during this very difficult time.

    Also, thank you for being so open. Miscarriage is often a very hush-hush topic, and by it remaining that way so many are not able to get the help and support that they need.

    Please remember that while we do not know God's plan, we do know that He is loving and faithful. May you lean on Him during this time.

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  65. I am so sorry for your loss. I know there is nothing in the world that compares to the horrible feelings this kind of loss brings and I wish nobody ever had to have those feelings again. I'll definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  66. Julia,

    I have been faithfully reading your blog for the past two years and
    have never commented before now. Your post today was so open and raw
    and emotional that I felt I just had to comment. I am so deeply sorry
    for the experience that you are going through. That would have been the
    most loved and precious baby. My prayers are with you and your family
    right now during this very difficult time.

    Also, thank you for being so open. Miscarriage is often a very
    hush-hush topic, and by it remaining that way so many are not able to
    get the help and support that they need.

    Please remember that while we do not know God's plan, we do know that
    He is loving and faithful. May you lean on Him during this time.

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  67. Julia, I know there aren't words to make it any better, but know that you and your family are in my prayers. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. God works in weird ways, but he always has a plan. (we just don't always understand the plan)

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  68. Julia, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can not even begin to imagine the feeling. Please find strength and comfort from your beautiful baby boy! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  69. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for your family. Take your time to grieve the loss of your precious babe. Do whatever it is you need to do. xxoo

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  70. A huge hug to you...I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you so much for sharing it (so beautifully) with us. Thinking of you and your family!

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  71. Julia, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm thinking of you during this sad time.

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  72. There are no words to make this better- I have never even met you, but my heart hurts for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  73. I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. I wish there was something that I could do to make this better.

    My thoughts and prayers go out to you and Nate during this difficult time.

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  74. Julia- I am so sorry for your family's loss. I will be thinking of you. :(

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  75. I am so sorry. So sorry. Having been through it twice before, I know that the only thing that helped me was digging into the Word, prayer, love, and lots of time.
    Praying for you. Sigh. :(

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  76. I'm so sorry, Julia, and so sad for you and your family. Thinking of you guys, and I'll give my babe an extra cuddle today in memory of your baby.

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  77. Miscarriages are not easy. They absolutely suck. But at some point you will pick yourself back up and you will try again. Truman will have a sibling and you will be a pregnant mama again. Sooner than later.

    Take care of yourself.

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  78. Oh Julia. I'm so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you, your family and that sweet baby's soul.

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  79. I'm so sorry for your loss, Julia. Thank you for sharing with your blog readers. You and your family are in my prayers.

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  80. Julia - I have been reading your blog for over a year now and have never commented. Your post brought me to tears and I want you to know that in this time of sadness, I'm thinking of you and praying for your family. Like many have said, God has a plan and we don't always understand it. You are such an inspirational person to all of your readers and I'm so sorry for your loss. ~Stevie

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  81. I don't know you but have been following your blog since Truman arrived. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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  82. I, too, am a member of this horrible club. We lost two pregnancies prior to the birth of our son last September. I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing anyone says can lessen the pain, but know that it does get easier with time. It may never go away completely, but time does heal the wound some. Hang in there.

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  83. My heart just broke for you. This is my biggest fear. Sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way.

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  84. I'm a new follower, but I couldn't open this page and not leave a note of sympathy. "A person's a person no matter how small," and I'm so sorry you have to grieve for the loss of the tiniest member of your family. Saying a prayer for you!

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  85. Julia - I'm very sorry for your loss. Hang in there and stay close to your lovely family...

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  86. Julia - I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to go through this. As someone else mentioned, there really are no words that can make you feel better. I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

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  87. This post totally made me cry. Even though I'm far away, I'm here for you. Love you, J.

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  88. ...my thoughts and prayers go out to your family...

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  89. I am so very sorry for your loss. I've never commented, but I look forward to your updates and love reading about your family.

    I lost my first pregnancy in February and it is just heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing your story. ((hugs))

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  90. I really so sorry that this is happening to you and your family. You are an amazing mother and I wanted to let you know this during such a difficult time. I'm extremely sorry for your loss...

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  91. I'm so glad you wrote about this, too, Julia. What a heart-wrenching post, and I'm crying for you all over again. I'm crying, too, reading all the wonderful and supportive comments - I hope they bring you comfort. I hope this time passes quickly and you're able to heal and move on and get pregnant with that healthy baby that you want and deserve so much.

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  92. Tears and prayers for yours and you. Thoughts are with you.

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  93. I'm so sorry for your loss. Writing is therapeutic, and glad you're able to express it with your readers. A year ago, I knew no one that had gone through it. Within 6 months I had learned of 5 different women, myself included. Take time to grieve and spend time with your family.

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  94. Julia,

    Long time follower, first time commenter.

    Just as it seems as though words are not enough to express the profound grief you feel after a loss, there are no words that I can think of that could bring you comfort. Instead I offer two: Thank you.

    Thank you for sharing your family and sharing your loss with such eloquence. I too have recently experienced the loss of a bundle of joy that was set to arrive in November. The experience is difficult to describe to others - the emotional rollercoaster seems to dive and turn without warning. But, reading your post today somehow gave me hope. Because, despite all this sorrow, I know you'll be okay -- and, somehow, I know I'll be okay too.

    Take care of yourself. Wrap yourself in the love of your family as you heal. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

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  95. I am so sorry, and can't imagine the raw emotions you are experiencing. I have been a follower for years and often felt we were living parallel lives, as our life paths seems so similar. In addition to your friends and family you have many more blog friends who are thinking of you today. While your body was not ready to embrace this new life now, it will heal, maybe leaving some scars that will carry new meaning as you move forward.
    ((Big Hugs)) Hold those boys tights and appreciate the love that surrounds you!

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  96. Dear Julia,Nate and Truman,
    I was so sad when I read about your loss. I have been reading your blog since the end of 2009. I appreciate your candor and beautiful writing style. I often refer family members to your blog when they need answers on breastfeeding and diapering and so on. You know it is like information from a dear friend mixed with humor and brutal honesty. I myself have had three miscarriages and KNOW that awful pain. So let yourselves heal and love,God,and time will help. I understand and thank you a million times for your honesty and help. Sinserely, CC

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  97. I am so sorry Julia - I too am a member of this group and suffered a loss before Connor. Thank you for sharing your story and please know that you are not alone. xoxo

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  98. Julia and Nate,
    I am so sorry for what you have experienced. There are no words to make something like this better. I wish I had them. All I can offer is that I am terribly terribly sorry and that I believe in my heart that one day you will have your second baby and Truman will be a big brother. You did nothing wrong. It's not your fault. Thinkikng of you both.

    Love,
    Amber

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  99. Hi Julia, I'm so sorry to read this news and I am sending you big hugs and strength.

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  100. I'm SO sorry to hear about your loss...this is a hard time, and there's nothing that anyone can really say to make things better. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you each deal with this...

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  101. my heart breaks for you. i will be thinking of you this mother's day.

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  102. I am so sorry. Thanks for being so brave and sharing your story, it brought me to tears.

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  103. Julia...It would have been a strange thing...I too thought I was pregnant all of March. I would have a baby at the same time with you again. We are not sure what happened but my period that has been regular since forever, showed up finally 25 days late. We don't know what happened but I can only say I can't truly understand what you are going through other than a small tinge of what you are experiencing. My heart mourns with you and grieves with you and your family. We are praying that you are covered with "the peace that passes all understanding." I pray that this brings you closer to your family as you lean on one another. <3 Ya.

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  104. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. :(

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  105. I am so very sorry to hear about your loss; I cant imagine what you are going through but thinking of you all.

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  106. I am so sorry about your loss Julia. My thoughts are with you and I hope each day brings even just a little bit of healing.

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  107. I had an extremely similar experience...
    We found out I was pregnant in the summer of 07'. I was only 22 at the time, scared and forced to grow up instantly, I told my family around the 8wks mark and slowly but surely everyone seemed to accept it.
    As we prepared for our first ultrasound I was so excited! I had never seen what an ultrasound looked like and couldn't wait!
    The night before I laid in bed with my boyfriend searching the internet for the perfect stroller.

    On what should have been the 10wk 5day mark of my pregnancy we lay in the doctors office waiting anxiously to see what our little one would look like. They turned on the monitor but there was no sound, as I said before I had never had an ultrasound and didn't know I should be looking for a little bleeping heart beat. The tech then brought in the OB to look with her and with sad eyes they turned to both of us and said they were sorry but they were only measuring a 9wk 2day old baby.
    Immediatley my heart stopped, my mind was racing, but I was supposed to be almost 11 wks, what the heck were they talking about!? They explained that we had lost our baby and I was made, I felt betrayed by my body. I had no idea that the baby inside me passed away, my body gave no clues.

    I will never forget that horrible day or the D&C that followed, I was devasted, embarrassed anger and sad.
    With time I been able to move on and heal. I have a loving family and thankfully a very healthy two year old.

    God bless you and your family during this trying time! You are all in my prayers!

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  108. Julia I'm so heartbroken for you. It's obvious that this baby would have been so loved. I hope you are feeling better with time.

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  109. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story on here. I have been reading your blog for a while now and just went through a miscarriage last week. It was my first pregnancy and my husband and I are trying to deal with all of the emotions that go along with losing a baby. I found myself re-reading all of your posts about Wren and it made me feel a little better seeing your beautiful family of 4. I think your blog gives people hope that, even though losses are terrible, horrible things, it does not mean that you will never have a baby. Just wanted to say thank you for sharing - it has definitely helped me over the past week.

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