One Year Old

My Dearest Truman,

You are one year old today, mister man. I'm going to attempt to put my thoughts into words but I'm sure I could never fully capture my love for you just by hitting simple keys on a computer. The love I have for you makes my heart rise up into my throat, Truman, because I just can't believe how blessed I am to be your mom.

A year ago today you came tumbling into our world after a roller coaster ride of emotions at the hospital. It's the most ironic and paradoxical feeling to accept that you were born one whole year ago. 'Only' one year ago? Haven't you been here forever? And yet, wasn't it just yesterday that I was a massive pregnant lady ready to pop out a baby named Carlos? Where did the last year go? How can one year feel both incredibly long and impossibly short?

I remember the very first time I held you in my arms: all of my worries and insecurities melted away the second I stared down at your smooshy baby face. I cried tears of happiness and thanked God for giving you to us, for allowing me to be your mother, and for blessing you with your health. One thing that I've learned about myself since your existence is that I worry entirely too much, Truman. You have taught me to take a serious chill pill more times than I can remember and it started on day one of your life. Thank you for being such a laid back little dude.

The past year has been more magical than I could have ever predicted. Watching you grow and change before our very eyes has been my life's biggest blessing. You are full of personality, you are happy, goofy, healthy, and so darn cute that it hurts. Correct me if I'm wrong but I think you've had a pretty fun year by your standards, too. Torturing poor Henry Dog, throwing numerous plastic toys on the ground, tasting all kinds of new foods, and playing with lots of friends and family are your favorite hobbies---what a life, mister man. It's definitely The Truman Show around here and you never fail to entertain.

When I think about my life before you were here I honestly wonder what filled my time, my thoughts, and my heart. It's incredibly cliche to say this, but you are the light of my life. I cannot imagine life without you as my baby boy, Truman. You've definitely challenged your dad and I in the past year but through those tough times we've become even tighter knit as a family. Seeing your dad interact with you has multiplied my love for him as well and our marriage is stronger than it was before parenthood. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm one big ball of love today as I reflect back on the past year together.

I've had moments when I am overcome with sadness and the feeling that this is all moving too fast for me to handle, and I just want you to stay little forever. But the more I think about those feelings I see that they are a waste of time and energy. I shouldn't mourn the loss of my newborn baby, Truman, because in his place is this new toddler-esque boy who is more loving, interactive, and hilarious than I thought possible. I'm not losing you with every day that passes, it's not a sad thing to have a birthday, it's not the 'end' of anything tangible, and I shouldn't feel the need to keep you from growing up. Instead, I'm choosing to embrace the intense joy I have as your mom in this very moment. I'm not going to dwell on the past and I'm not going to wish for the future milestones you are sure to hit sooner than later. I'm going to enjoy you for you, T. I hope you don't mind.

And so you are no longer zero years old, little buddy. You are a big one year old today and I want you to know that I love you more than anything. Thank you for being you, Truman. You are the best.

Happy Birthday, mister T. Here's to many more.

Love,
Mommy