Moms Make It Work: Erin from Minnesota

Our first guest blogger for the series is Erin from It's All Happening. She is one of my internet-turned-real-life friends who is the perfect fit for this first post. She's just an awesome example of a mom who rocks it while working full time outside of the home. Love her insight and advice!



My name is Erin, and I am a 32 year old full-time working mom. I have lived in the Twin Cities area of Minnesota my entire life, and my claim to fame on Julia's blog was when she came to visit me this past summer :) I got married to my husband Ben in 2005, started my blog in 2008, and we had our first child, Annie, in January 2010, and our 2nd child, Luke, in March 2012.

I prefer to write posts with specific direction, so I am using Julia's questions that she asked as a guide. I also am aware that I accidentally wrote a novel, and not just on the subject of ME working and how I find balance - I guess it's a topic that I find interesting! I also tried to link within this post any other posts from my blog(s) that I think would be helpful.

What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And now where are you?

I am a career counselor for undergraduate liberal arts students at a very large public university, and have been in this position for the past year. There are 3 main parts of my job - working with students individually, teaching one (2 credit, graded, one day a week for 2 hours) class per semester, and coordinating a number of events large and small - anything from a panel of alumni to a huge job fair. A major part of the reason I find the topic of working and finding balance so fascinating is because I get to work with such a huge variety of individuals pursuing so many different careers.

I love working here a lot more in summer than right now ;)

My undergraduate education is from the university where I now work, and my degree was in journalism with an emphasis on strategic communication (advertising/PR) with a minor in psychology. I worked as a media planner in a large advertising agency for 3 years, and while I had a blast, it wasn't something that was personally fulfilling to me so I made a career change when I was about 25. I did a lot of networking and informational interviewing to learn more about the field of career counseling, and took a job as an administrative assistant at a university that offered tuition reimbursement so that I could work full time in higher education to get my start in the field, and go to school part time. While I was getting my master's degree in Counseling Psychology, I also volunteered at a crisis hotline, and was very involved in a professional association (which is how I met my current boss and a very huge reason I have the job I do now). Within the university where I worked, over the course of 3 years, I had some increases in responsibility and always kept connected with the career center there and after I finished my master's degree, got hired in the career center. When all was said and done, it took me about 3 years from the time I decided to change careers to when I actually accomplished it.

Worked in downtown Minneapolis for 9 years - really miss it some days!

Right after I got that job, I also got pregnant! (Literally - it was about 2 months later) And then got pregnant again! Just when things were starting to settle down after 2 rounds of pregnancy/nursing/sleep deprivation, I got an email that my current job was being posted and decided to apply on a whim - I wasn't looking for a new job, but it ended up being such a great fit for me - I get to teach, I get to work with traditional age college students in person (versus with older adults over the phone or email). I really did not realize it at the time because my life was so overwhelming with 2 kids under 3, but I was feeling very drained by my old job, and especially the organization as a whole. I did LIKE what I did at the time, but now I LOVE what I do AND where I work, and that has made a world of difference with my outlook about working in general. My situation really has shown me how much of an impact being satisfied at work can have on your life as a whole (also what helps is that my kids both sleep all night now. Really can't overstate that enough.)

December 2009, photo by Kate Sommers

January 2012, photo by Kate Sommers

What are the best parts of your situation? What are the biggest challenges?

I work full time, and always have - approximately 40 hours a week, and so does my husband. Neither of us has ever considered anything else. The best part of my situation is that while I work full time, I ONLY work 40 hours a week and I don't have a set start/end time, and so does my husband (more or less) - I never HAVE to stay late, or work weekends. If I do that, it's my own decision, no one is forcing me. Ben and I carpool, so it makes it much easier doing drop off and pickup together most days. Both of our jobs are extremely flexible in that we have unlimited sick days and very generous vacation policies. We also can easily check in from home, especially my husband who is a software developer and often works at night after the kids go to bed - but it doesn't seem that bad to me - he's basically just sitting next to me on the couch writing code on his laptop, so we can still chat :) Basically, the best part is the flexibility and autonomy both of us have in our jobs. I do have appointments but I set the times, I teach a class, but I have a say in when it is, and I am in control of every part of it. I love that part of my job, even if at first it was very strange and overwhelming.

The biggest challenge for me has been adjusting to the constantly changing pattern of working at a university - it can be COMPLETELY dead (summer) or just insanely busy (September-November, February-April). What this means is that I have all the flexibility in the world... when school isn't in session. But because I teach, and do events, and have appointments with students, while I do HAVE unlimited sick days, and I know I CAN use them, it almost always falls to Ben because he just doesn't have as much to rearrange as I do. I wish we could more evenly split it but it's hard if you have to reschedule 5 appointments to stay home, especially when those 5 appointments had to wait a month to even GET an appointment (fund more career counselors, university!!).

When we are in a busy time with our jobs, it does get hard on weeknights - often we can leave on the early side and get home around 5, but when we can't even leave work until closer to 5, it gets crazy trying to cram everything into a really short timeframe. It was especially hard when we had little babies (under 1) who still needed to nurse, and were often fussy all night. However, I recognize that we have it pretty good in that we ALWAYS can be home by 5:30, except for maybe a few later things once or twice every semester. I also know this will get both easier and harder as the kids can stay up later, but then have more weeknight activities that are REALLY hard to manage right now so we basically just don't do them.

Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?

I'm not sure I really thought too deeply about what life would be like with kids. My mom always worked full time, so I guess I expected my life to look something like my childhood did, which it does in many ways.

I literally never for even one moment considered NOT working when I had kids, so this is just how it is for me. I think having very few expectations of life in general is a good policy - expectations typically force disappointment when things inevitably don't look the way you pictured in your mind. Or, do what I do - expect the worst, and be pleasantly surprised when things go okay ;)

Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?

Yes, it is. I am satisfied with the amount of time that I see my kids, and I do not waste energy counting the hours that I see them, and the hours that they are in daycare because I just don't think it matters in the long run. Both of us are doing great things while we are apart - me working in a job I love, and them getting to learn and play at daycare. Sometimes I think I'd like to work 4 days a week, which would be close to the perfect balance for me. However, I also know that in order to do my exact job, I need to work full time and right now I'd far, far prefer to be doing what I'm doing versus doing something I like less to work 4 days instead of 5. Also? My salary is pretty pitiful as it is, so working part time would not be feasible financially.

When the kids are in school, I would love to figure out a way where we don't need additional child care before and after school - with Ben's and my current jobs, it seems like that is very feasible.

Do you see yourself making a career change in the next 5-10 years, or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?

This is it for the long haul for me - a career change is a lot of work, and I wouldn't ever say never (after all, I'll probably be working for 30 more years, and I've only been working for 10 so who knows??) but right now, I am completely happy with what I'm doing right now, and there are potential opportunities for growth even within my current position. One of the major reasons I wanted my current job is because of all the opportunities that are available at the university - it is one of the largest employers in the entire state, so even if I do decide I want to do something else, there are a lot of great things to do within the university system. Right now, I absolutely love working in higher education, but could see it getting old because you just keep having variations of the same situation over and over again each school year. I might want to rejoin the "real world" and get out of the university bubble at some point, but not for a long time.

Tips on how you make this work for you?

I'm not sure if this is a "tip" exactly, but the only way this works for me is by having an equal partner. Ben does so, so, so much for our family, and we truly do have an equal partnership in parenting, managing the household, and life in general. There is NEVER a time where I feel bad for going out for a night, or needing to stay late at work, or basically just needing him to pick up the slack for me. He absolutely never makes me feel guilty about it either - no underhanded comments, no "keeping score". I think that last part is key - keeping score in any way in a partnership just fosters resentment. It's really hard to not, especially if your partner does it often, but getting out of the mindset of "if I get a night out, you get a night out" was helpful for our relationship. (Not saying it never happens - after his 4th guys weekend of the year, I'm usually feeling like I deserve a spa day at LEAST :)

Other tips - meal planning!! SO key to our survival - dinners are a source of stress for so many, but Ben and I have gotten into a great system of meal planning, and really do a great job of planning easy/crockpot meals on weeknights. We have about 5-10 of our family favorite meals (we have a specific food blog to keep track) that we rotate regularly (carrot-broccoli orzo, white bean chicken chili, spaghetti, lasagna, 4 bean chili, vegetable soup, black bean soup just to name a few) but also are fine just saying screw it, giving the kids PBandJ for dinner and getting takeout for ourselves after bedtime. They eat very well most of the time, so we don't sweat the times they don't. It also helps that we both actually enjoy cooking, and cleaning up the kitchen immediately after dinner helps for our sanity as well.

Another sanity saving measure for us is being close to our family and friends - we have a lot of friends with kids the same ages as ours and most of them also work, so we frequently have last minute "pizza and playtime" nights with them. Our families both live close, so we have a lot of very willing babysitters when we want a date night. We've never had to have a non-family member watch our kids, and I know how lucky we are for that. We absolutely do not take it for granted, but we DO take advantage of that help regularly and go out on dates!

How do you handle mommy guilt that comes with each role?

I have written about this before, as a guest post on my friend Laura's blog (not my best work, as this was written during the first trimester of pregnancy, sorry Laura :) Over the past few years, I truly have managed to eliminate the standard mommy guilt. I feel literally no guilt about the choices I make. I think about them, make decisions that are right for my family, and move on. End of story. It also helps immensely that nearly all of my good friends in real life work, and like I said, my mom also worked full time - so that is what is normal to me.

I DO feel guilt when I do things that are ACTUALLY wrong, like yelling at or snapping at my kids. That guilt I deal with by attempting to change my behavior the next time. It really rarely works, because I still yell and snap sometimes, but hopefully with time I will learn more patience and get better about that. That isn't really related to working or staying home, but that is really the only time that guilt is a helpful or useful emotion to dwell on - when it can cause you to make a change for the better.

I really tend to take the long view regarding parenting - if there is a week that goes by where I am busy with work, have a dinner out with friends, and I just don't see my kids that much - yes, I miss them. But I do not feel guilty about it. I know that there will be other weeks or seasons where I see them a lot, and it all evens out. This crazy time of toddlerhood with 7:30pm bedtimes is short in the grand scheme of things, and yes it is hard to cram everything in in those 2.5 hours between getting home and them going to bed - so we just don't do it. It's just going to be a whirlwind of dinner-prep, eating, a bit of play and bed - there is no need to become obsessive with making that "quality time" - most of our weeknights are just a complete sh!t show, to be honest, and that is fine. That's what the weekends are for :) Reading back on some of the day in the life posts I've done, it really is striking just how hard that first year is with a new baby - as my youngest approaches 2, our lives aren't necessarily easier, but balancing work and family life definitely is (sleep helps).

Typical weeknight, just trying to make dinner!!

Oh and another thing - I love going to work on Mondays - I love sitting in my silent office for an hour before I have appointments, drinking my coffee, catching up on emails. It is BECAUSE of the time I get to "recharge" at work that I am able to be an effective and sane parent. By Friday, I am READY for some solid family time, but I also truly love what I do at work and am very happy I get to do both.

The highlight of my job is the students I get to work with! ESPECIALLY when they bake me brownies (only happened once so far but she is DEFINITELY my favorite ;)


And my view isn't too shabby :)

Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying home is the right choice?

Like I said above, staying home was never an option for me. I really cannot speak very eloquently about struggling to decide because it was always very obvious for me, for personal and logistical reasons. Personally being that I knew I was not cut out to stay at home, and that I'd feel like something was missing from my life if I didn't work. Logistically simply because we do need my income to live the way we do. We could make some tough sacrifices and make it work without my income, but because I actually WANT to work, it was a non-issue. I would honestly work even if my salary wouldn't cover daycare, just for my sanity alone. Thankfully our daycare is VERY affordable, so that isn't an issue. When Annie was about 7 months old, I wrote this post which more accurately sums up my thoughts on the initial transition back to work, which was a bit more emotional than the way I feel about it almost 4 years (!!!) later. (reading that is semi-cringe worthy to me now but oh well, there you have it)

First day back at work when Annie was 12 weeks old

Luke passed out after nursing after his first day of daycare

I'm not even sure how to give advice to anyone else - everyone's situation is so very personal. I will say that working can look so very different for everyone, and to not get locked into the idea that the absolute only way to work is to work 8am-5pm in an office every day. There are so many part-time, work from home, alternate schedule opportunities in a variety of fields that a lot of people simply just don't know about. "Working" or "staying at home" looks SO different family by family, and your family will always be different from everyone else's. If you don't like your situation right now, try not to get down thinking that this is the way it will be forever - it might take a conversation (or several) with other people to help you get some perspective or new ideas, but there are a lot of options out there to have satisfaction both with your family life, and also professionally. Even if you think you want to stay at home while your kids are young, there are ways to keep yourself active professionally while staying at home to try to make your re-entry into the professional world a little bit easier later.

In any life situation, focusing on what is important to you, and trying to find the positives are very important. There is no "perfect". There will ALWAYS be pros and cons to any job, to staying at home, part-time, etc. If you do have to work, and you have to work at a job that you really do not like because you need the income, that is going to be hard. From my perspective, there are a few ways to manage that situation: 1 - Focus on what you DO like - there has to be SOMETHING. Maybe you like the coffee. Maybe you have a great friend at the office. Maybe you like your 30 minute lunch break because you can take a walk outside alone. Even if your job is mind-numbing and you hate it, focusing on that will only make it seem even worse. 2 - Make an action plan to get yourself out of the negative situation. Even if that plan will take several years to accomplish. It absolutely is possible to find a career/life situation that you love - it does take work and perseverance to figure out what you want to do and to actually get there. The best way to start doing that is by talking to people who do work that you think you would enjoy. 3 - Focus on the positives of you working, of which there are many - your ability to afford the house you live in, your children building social skills and immunity through exposure to other kids at daycare, and showing your children that YOU know how to make the best of an imperfect situation. I really do believe there are a ton of positives from daycare that I can elaborate on but I fear I've lost most people by this point anyway :)

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to do a guest post, Julia, and thanks everyone else for reading! Any questions, I am happy to answer in the comments!