6.10.2011

One where I whine a little

You know 'those days'--the ones when you swear the universe is out to get you, and it gets to be slightly comical because everything goes wrong? I had one of those this week on Wednesday. I also have an update for you on my medical situation but first I have to give the spotlight to my Day From Hell.

I have been doing pretty well with my energy levels lately and so I saw two patients Wednesday morning before my all-important follow up appointment with the OB clinic at 1:00. Everything was going swimmingly and I was driving out to the doctor's office with questions bursting from my mind, waiting to be answered. Would the ultrasound show less 'conception products' meaning that the shot in the hospital worked? Would my giant/annoying blood vessel still be there? And would my pregnancy hormone prove to be dropping down to 0 in my blood work? All very exciting answers to be had since it had been a week after my little stint in the ER.

So doo-dee-doo, I'm about 5 minutes away from the clinic (which is a good 10 miles from home) and I go to push my gas pedal and there is no power in my car, all of my warning lights are lit up on the dashboard, and I can barely steer my freaking wheel (excuse me, but 'freaking' might be the word of choice in this post, so bear with me). I somehow manage to pull my car off to a side street and wonder if I just ran out of gas---a first for me, really embarrassing, but it's bound to happen at some point since I do like to push the limits with my gas light. But the light only came on to warn me of lower levels one minute before my car sputtered out on me, so I really didn't know if that was the diagnosis but I figured I had to try adding fuel first before anything else.

I started the trek to the nearest gas station, which I swore was only a block away while I was driving down the street, but in actuality was about a half mile away. So it's 90 degrees in Milwaukee, which by Wisconsin standards is basically an inferno, I have flip flops on and my feet are killing me, and I am not supposed to exercise at all at risk of my uterus springing a leak. Great. All in the name of a stupid 2 gallon plastic tank of gas that was dripping all over me as I hauled it back to my stupid car. And then? I couldn't figure out how to attach the gas spout and literally, I felt like the biggest space-cadet ever. Thankfully a nice mom-type lady stopped and we figured it out together, but I swear it really wasn't the easiest procedure. So of course, I put in 2 gallons of the really expensive gas that had spilled all over my sweaty, tired self and my car still would not start. It just keeps getting better, right?

At this point I had officially missed my appointment so I called to tell them the situation and they said they might be able to squeeze me in within the hour if I got there in one piece. I was hoping that my car would magically fix itself and I could continue on with my day but of course that would be too easy. I told the office I'd do my best, and then I called AAA and expected them to be my saving grace. Good thing I have a basic membership and they could come to my rescue and turn the universe around for me, right? Um, no. Old dude was no help at all and tried adding more gas to my car with the same crappy results I had before. Thanks, AAA.

And so I waited some more, because that is my full-time job lately as Julia-Waits-A-Lot, as AAA hunted for a tow truck company that could get me the heck out of this mess. An hour later, a truck did arrive, and by that time I had been stranded for 2 whole hours. I was fighting off the tears and teetering on the verge of a breakdown but decided to snap a pic and post it on Facebook instead. Priorities, right?

Once my buddy Nick, from the towing company, got my car up on his truck the best part of the day happened: he went to open his driver's side door and noticed that he had locked HIS keys in his truck. Amazing, right? You can't make this stuff up! He walked around to the passenger side and somehow, by the grace of Jesus, the door was unlocked and he could crawl in just fine. I should have known right then that Nick-ster wasn't exactly on top of his game but I really didn't care since he had AC in his pimped out tow truck. I thought to myself, 'What in the heck would I have done if Truman was with me right now?' and thanked God that at least he was safe with Lori and I wouldn't have to decide between holding him in my lap inside this tiny truck and calling a taxi so that I could use the car seat. Cannot even imagine how much worse this would have been with Truman out in the heat.

As we headed back to my little suburb, which of course was out of the 'free 5 miles of towing' radius, Nick hit two detours which had us wandering around greater Milwaukee for a bit until I decided to pull out my own Garmin and take charge of this faulty expedition. We finally landed at the shop at 3:30 and after I swung a deal with Nick to only pay for the miles he SHOULD have driven to this place, my mother-in-law met me so we could get Truman.

But of course, before we even had a chance to wrestle my car seat out of my car and into my mother-in-law's teeny tiny two door Civic, Lori called to say that Truman had a 100.9 degree fever. His 15 month well-baby appointment was the day before and he did have 3 vaccinations, so I knew that was it---but seriously? A baby that has a fever is so pathetic and sad and heartbreaking. And it was just the last straw.

We finally made it back home and Truman just could not fall asleep that night. He was uncomfortable and overtired and just wanted to be held. I held him and rocked him and rubbed his back while I let myself cry it out a bit in the process. My baby doesn't feel well, I'm still going through this horribly drawn-out miscarriage, and now we have to pay for my car to be fixed on top of the ever-mounting medical bills. I try to be a positive person most of the time but at that moment I had a major pity party for myself.

But you know what? I honestly think that my car broke down for a reason that day. I missed that appointment but already had a second-opinion appointment set up for the next day, with my old OB that delivered Truman. I called her up after my ER scare and she talked to me on the phone for quite awhile, giving me much more confidence with my situation. I planned to switch my care back to her once this dreadful ordeal was over, but when I didn't make the appointment with the other clinic, I decided that enough was enough---that was my sign to switch my care back to my old OB immediately.

I won't go into detail but I haven't been happy with my care with the new OB. Of course, with a situation this horrible it's always going to have a negative cloud over the care you receive but I needed to move on from that place and back into my comfort zone of Truman's OB. Insurance woes aside, I knew I needed to be her patient again.

So on Thursday I saw her and basically she says I need a D&C immediately because my uterus still has tons of 'products' remaining inside of it. She assured me that my uterus walls were 'beautiful' but my poor body just can't get rid of everything although it's trying to hard to do so. 5 weeks after the Cytotec was placed I am still bleeding and my body need help to end this mess. She is not concerned about the mutant blood vessel because she feels this is a normal thing to happen when a uterus thinks it's still pregnant, but I have another 'high tech' ultrasound this afternoon just to be sure. As long as that is okay, I am having surgery on Monday morning at 7:30 (prayers please!)

I have a million and one thoughts and questions and feelings about the course I've been on since that ill-fated ultrasound 6.5 weeks ago. But mostly I just want this to be over since I have done my time with this part of the physical journey. My mom is coming to town to be with me and help with Truman after the procedure and I feel a sense of peace about this decision for surgery. It's going to be okay. I'm going to get through this and learn a whole lot about patience and trusting in God. And I really do have faith that I will have more children in the future, looking back on this time as a horrible speed bump on the way to growing our family.

My OB gave me a printed out picture of my newest ultrasound of my poor uterus, ironically so full of 'loss', that it's the complete opposite of the happy ultrasound pictures showing actual babies with beating hearts, pinned up on refrigerators around the world. At first I couldn't look at the sad sight but now I feel like that picture symbolizes the low point and someday when I have my happy ultrasound picture full of new life, I'll look at this current picture and smile. It's got to get better. I just know it.

After all, I am very blessed, aren't I?
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17 comments:

  1. Holy schnikes, Julia! That is a whole lot of crap to take in in one day!

    Anyhoo - I'm glad you got through it. I saw a pin on pinterest the other day and it really resonated with me and somehow made me laugh. It said, "I can't tell if this is killing me or making me stronger."

    It just got to me because when you're going through a hard time people always tell you, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But that sentiment kinda makes you wanna punch something when you're in the thick of it, ya know?

    So, let me tell you that I am sending out a HUGE prayer to you now AND on Monday during your surgery. You are a positive person and I appreciate that so much because I haven't ever been a "glass is half full" type person. But I really like surrounding myself with others who are.

    Keep the faith, my bloggy sister. You will get through this and your family will grow soon. I just know it.

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  2. Sending you love and prayers and I'll be thinking of you on Monday. Hang in there!

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  3. Yeah, wow. That's pretty much horrible. The only bright side is that you were not with Truman!

    I'll definitely be thinking of you on Monday. I really hope you can get some closure on this!

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  4. Girl I would have whined a whole lot more than what you did. So sorry you had to go through so much in one day on top of what you're already dealing with!

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  5. Oh, Julia. When it rains, it pours, huh? Sorry about your bad day, but you still looked at the bright side: being thankful Truman wasn't with you!
    You continue to be in my thoughts, and I'll definitely be praying for you on Monday, too.

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  6. That right there is the definition of a shitty day. Man...I feel for you! I will be praying and sending good thoughts your way on Monday morning! Best of luck!

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  7. Oh sweetie, the end of your post made me cry! I just love that little face so much - yes, you are blessed!

    But wow, what a day. Gosh, I hadn't even thought about what if Truman had been with you?! And yes, you're probably right that even though it sucked, it happened for a reason. You had your other appointment and now you're on a path toward being done with all this. I can't believe it's been nearly seven weeks already since you got the bad news, ugh. :(

    Tons of prayers and hugs coming your way, girl.

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  8. Ugh, I'm glad you survived that worthless day. Lots of prayers for you on Monday!

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  9. What. A. Day! Seriously. I feel for ya, girl so whine away. But I have to agree, there was a reason you weren't supposed to go to that appointment. I really feel like you did not need more bummer news and just needs to see your old positive, caring OB. She sounds like she gave you tons of hope and that makes me happy. I LOVE the fact that you say "when" instead of "if" which is exactly how I feel about you and future bebes :)

    So, prayers, prayers and more prayers for Monday. And then we can move past this and onto bigger and better things! :)

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  10. Yep. Shitty day is that in the dictionary :) AT least it is over right. I think it's awesome that the you got that second opinion and things happen for a reason...

    Lots of prayers your way for Monday, momma!

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  11. You will be in my prayers!!! Best of luck.

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  12. Oh my goodness. I can't begin to imagine how tired and hot and sweaty and miserable and tired you were. I've been in similar situations and I always try to tell myself "some people have cancer, this is not that big of a deal" but honestly? It is such a big deal.

    I am praying that you had a safe surgery this morning and that you are feeling better. I know that ending the physical symptoms of miscarriage was a huge thing for me, and I hope that it will help to bring healing to you. Much love.

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  13. I am praying for you Julia. What a couple of months you've had. I get the whole "waits a lot" thing. Infertility is all about waiting. Waiting while others move forward, waiting for meds to start, waiting for meds to 'work', waiting to see Dr.'s, waiting for procdures, waiting and not knowing. The waiting part is the hardest and cruelest. It sounds like a good thing you went back to your old OB and are at peace there. That helps.

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  14. What a crap day!! I'm so sorry!! Hoping that Monday went well for you and that you are on the quick road to recovery! I have to tell you, my absolute favorite part about this post was that you called Nick "Nick-ster." That about sums it up! I love it!! Hang in there friend... somehow, someway, this is all happening for a reason. BIG HUGS!!!

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  15. You had every right to whine. Hope things are better this week.

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  16. Wow, what a day!! Hard to get through those kind of days ! But will get better!!Here's to better days ahead!

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  17. i went through something really, really similar (not the car part... the long drawn out miscarriage). i just wanted to tell you that i dreaded the d&c, but within 24 hours of having it done, my body started to get stronger. i felt my hormones start to level out - physical symptoms that i was only partially aware of, went away... best of all... my son was conceived 6 weeks later...
    i'm glad you wrote this all down - what a rotten day - but your *hope* is so lovely.

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