10.22.2009

Neuroses

I suppose I've always been somewhat of a worrier. But seriously, being pregnant has brought out the freaking CRAZY side of me to the point that I annoy myself with my worries. When I start off any sentence with 'What if....' or 'I'm worried that.....' Nate immediately says, 'Oh here we go again, what is the worry of the hour?' And you know what? He's right. I have enough worries to freaking fill up the ocean. Some are so stupid and embarrassing that I almost want to laugh at myself. Some are probably very normal. And some are bordering on the over-dramatic.

I was contemplating my bundle of worries the other day and decided that since making lists makes me feel better, I should totally write out a 'quick list' of my current worries regarding this baby. Now please don't get me wrong... I would not trade this pregnancy for the world and I swear I'm enjoying it to the max. I really have surprised myself and love being pregnant (so far, at least). I would take a million more worries in exchange for the end result. It's totally worth it, my friends. I know how lucky I am to be here so please don't think I'm ungrateful.

HOWEVER, please read my 'quick' list below and tell me I'm not crazy. I could add to this puppy all night but I must stop here for now. Enjoy yourself!



About the baby....
1. Are you sure it doesn't have two heads? Anything else not completely normal I should know about?

2. I know everything I read says it is probably fine since it was before the baby got nutrients from me, but did those alcoholic bevs I consumed before my BFP really not matter?

3. What if the baby has colic....will I lose my mind?

4. OMG, are you SURE there is only one in there? Because the other night I swore I felt two simultaneous kicks on opposite sides of my stomach.

5. Please, God . Let me get one that sleeps at least a little bit of the time.

6. How many dirty diapers do newborns produce per day again? FRIGHTENING.

7. Babies need a lot of paraphernalia. How in the heck am I supposed to know what to choose when I've never done this before? So overwhelming. Also, where in the heck am I supposed to store all of this crap? You know I hate hoarding and clutter.



The financials
1.CAN WE AFFORD THIS? (my head is exploding right now)

2. Will we blow our nice future 'down payment' nest egg on the baby?

3. Dude, if I'm neurotic about money now when we DON'T pay for daycare, how will I remain sane afterward?

4. Will I drive Nate completely insane with my financial (and every other) worries?




The Stupid Superficial:
1. Will my hips spread permanently after pushing a bowling ball through my pelvis? If so, will I never fit into my skinny jeans again?

2. Stretch marks?!?!

3. Please God, do not let my face balloon up like a swollen sausage. I just hate when my face is fat (ie every picture from my semester spent in Spain)

4. Will I ever be able to run at a decent pace again? Will I ever have time to train for my second full marathon?

5. Dude, my boobs were small to begin with. Is it true they become like flat pancakes after pregnancy and nursing? Because I'm totally screwed, then.

6. Will I automatically become that haggard mom who neglects herself? As in mom jeans, horrible hair, and bad skin? I don't want to be that mom but I'm afraid it happens without warning.




The (tip of the iceberg) parenting concerns:
1. Will I be a good mother?

2. Will my child resent me later in life? How bad will it suck to raise a teenager, anyway? I think it was pretty rough BEING one, let alone being responsible for one.

3. Will we totally screw the kid up to the point of no return?

4. What if Nate and I let our marriage slip to the wayside as we focus on being parents? I love our marriage right now and sometimes I don't want it to change.

5. Will we also let our social lives die, lose touch with all of our friends and hobbies, just to be parents? No!!! I no likey.



Post-Partum worries
1. Will I get Post-Partum Depression? (It does run in my family)

2. Will my 12 week maternity leave go WAY too fast, and will I spend the whole time worrying about it going WAY too fast?

3. How bad is it going to suck to drop my newborn off at a daycare full of strangers....full time....while dropping mad cash in this facility? Will it be too much to handle?

4. How bad is it going to suck to work full time, always thinking about my newborn baby while I'm away? Will I be a jealous wench of anyone NOT in my position? Will I shut myself off from anyone who doesn't have to work full time and put their kids in daycare?

5. Will Nate be too stressed with taking finals and being in school to enjoy being a parent in those first few months?

6. Will it be too hard to be 8 hours away from my Mom?



That whole delivery thing....
1. Dear God, I have no idea what's coming to me, do I?

2. What if I push for a whole year and nothing happens? Has that ever happened in the history of mankind?

3. What if my entire lower half of my body tears into two pieces. Is that possible?

4. Pooping on the table sounds like fun...or totally awful.

5. I know it's really really rare, but what if I die during the delivery?

6. What if my baby has a prolapsed cord/other issues and doesn't make it through delivery?

7. How bad is recovery going to blow?

8. Won't it ruin our mattress if my water breaks in our bed? (Mattresses are too expensive to ruin one with disgusting internal fluids!)



The completely, utterly, ridiculous
1. What if our baby is a hermaphrodite (this is probably just on my list because I'm reading the book Middlesex right now)?

2. What if I let the house cleaning go to the wayside so badly that massive amounts of dust accumulate and it makes our whole family fatally ill? Is that possible?

3. How in the heck will I have time to hand wash our stupid dishes with a baby? Will our entire kitchen become unusable due to dirty dishes? I SO want a dishwasher more than ever. Or maybe just disposable plates will do...

4. Will we forget about our first born baby, Henry? Will he hate us forever for having a baby?

5. What if we get a Milwaukee blizzard on the day I deliver and then we can't make it to the hospital in time and the baby is born in the back seat of the car? I will be SO pissed at Mother Nature then....you have no idea.


See? I told you it was a lot of worries.

As my mom told me during the first few weeks of my pregnancy, the worrying never really goes away. That is just a part of being a parent. Heck, my parents probably still worry about me {and maybe after reading that list they are rightfully worried about my mental health? :) } and I'm 28 years old. So I guess it makes sense that from the moment of seeing that positive pregnancy test, you become a mom and start with the worries.

Just getting them out in words makes me feel better already. Whew.

And I hope I'm not the only one with neuroses like these. Whether you are a mom, pregnant, or not there yet....perhaps all women have some of these same concerns? (I hope).

22 comments:

  1. Holy Crap, girl! One day at a time, one day at a time. That's all you can handle. (sometimes one minute at time!)
    Read baby bargains...it helps pick out all the stuff and they also write Baby 411 which is awesome. Every moment of having a baby goes by fast, so enjoy every second. And I think dropping Avery off at daycare is harder on me then him most days. If you pick a good one, they have fun with their little peeps and learn a lot.

    oh, and you are completely normal and are going to make and adorable and great mommy!

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  2. Ok - I feel bad saying that I enjoyed reading about your worries but my husband and I are hoping to get pregnant the end of next year. Reading your worries lets me know that I'll be totally normal when my worries set in :o)

    Oh - and remember that babies don't "need" a lot of stuff...just the basics.

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  3. I don't have children and I'm not pregnant yet, so I can't give you any feedback on this, BUT I will say that these are all things I'm already worried about. I'm also a hypochondriac, so that probably won't get better when I am pregnant.

    I'm sure everything just fine and you guys are going to make great parents :)

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  4. in a way i'm sure a lot of these worries will make you very conscientious of your baby and a good mother.

    on a lighter note and not to mortify you - pooping on the delivery table: lol. i had a prof in college who would not eat corn the whole month prior to her delivery. one time on a delivery she was helping with - as they were cleaning up the baby they found a fleck of corn on its face. true story!

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  5. I'll agree with Amber: HOLY CRAP!!!

    I want to answer, but I think the comment might be a blog post of it's own...

    However, ALL of that is normal: seriously.

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  6. Your completely normal. I worried about these things also. Just breathe and take it one step at a time. And document as much as possible because trust me after two kids you won't remember much of anything. :) But most importantly enjoy every day before the bundle of joy arrives and forever changes your life.

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  7. Girl, do not make yourself sick over these worries. I'm sure everything is going to be absolutely, positively fine.

    As far as the water breaking on your bed...that's where waterproof mattress pads come in. My old boss said she put that on her bed during her 3rd trimester and was worry free :)

    And please don't put up a barrier between yourself and SAHMs :( It would make me very very sad :(

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  8. I have many, many worries. One of which is awful--what if my baby is ugly. yep, i said it!

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  9. LOL, this is funny. I do have some worries, but for the most part, I just ignore the issue. I just don't think about it at all and then I can't worry about it. Maybe it's not the best approach, but it works for me!

    And really, I was ridiculously worried for the first two weeks. It was overwhelming and I didn't know how I was going to make it through the entire pregnancy that way. But for some reason, almost all the worry just went away after we saw the heartbeat for the first time. And since then, I just haven't really had any big worries. I was a little nervous before the 20 week u/s, but other than that, nothing big. I'm hoping that sticks around...I guess for the most part, I just think that what's going to happen will happen and we'll deal with it when we are faced with it.

    And for the record, I'm NEVER this sane. I have no idea why this sane side is coming out in pregnancy, haha.

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  10. I always make lists when I'm stressed out--it's free therapy! I am not pregnant nor do I intend to for the next few years (assuming I get married in the next year or two!) but I totally still worry about pregnancy and motherhood! I have convinced myself I will have PPD. I worry so much about having twins (they run in my boyfriend's family) and the higher risks that come with it. I could go on...

    Hopefully this makes you feel better because if you are crazy for worrying like this when you are pregnant, I am totally insane for worrying about it three or four years ahead of time!

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  11. I am scared to be pregnant one day. This will be me. It already is.

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  12. I already think about most of these things and I am not pregnant. Mostly the money part - but even the part about dying during delivery. I have to remind myself that people have babies every day and somehow everyone does it.

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  13. Julia, it helps to set aside a small specific time to worry,(ex: 10 minutes) and then tell yourself you have to stop and move on. I have found it very helpful in life. (we don't have kids yet, but I teach a classroom with 22, 4 year olds.......so I am multitasking and worrying a lot of my day about how I am impacting their development. Take it one day at a time :) I have a feeling I will be in the same worry boat as you in the future.

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  14. As someone who just gave birth to a 8lb 4oz baby boy last Thursday, I can totally relate to all of your worries!

    What I can quickly say is that yes, labor sucks but you get through it somehow. Our bodies go into survival mode just when we need it. (and the epidural helps us w/ this!) Seriously I stressed BIG TIME the entire 9mths over L&D and somehow I made it through in 1 piece (and not 2 pieces..lol..that worry of yours made me laugh!)

    Oh, babies really don't need a bunch of stuff.. just the basics. so many people waste way too much money on silly things.

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  15. You are not alone in your mountain of worries. There are just some of us that worry more than others! But hang in there, everything will be great, and you will be a great mother!

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  16. Love that you are expressing your worries....we ALL have them so you are so normal, or else all us Moms are crazy with you. :)
    My silly input...
    I was drinking alcohol up until I was 7 weeks (thats when I found out)and the Dr said "oh, no worries"..saw anothr Dr that told me the important time was the first 6 weeks...I freaked, but my child is normal and very cute and smart if I do say so myself.
    My face blew up like a balloon the last month...but it was also the first place I lost the weight too. I have run my whole life...I am actually now a better runner after I have had my 2 children. I took awhile to get back into it but I am faster now. :)
    Boobs...mine became the flat pancake style boobs. :( My BFF got bigger boobs after she breast fed...some are lucky and some of us, sad flat pancake boobies.
    Labor...sucks! But you will forget all about it when you see your precious one. Something no one told me...pushing does NOT come from your abdominal muscles. I always thought that...nope. I'm pushing and they told me I was doing it wrong...the nurse kindly told me "you need to push like you are having a bowel movement"...my coment back "like I am trying to crap?" Not pretty language but I was in shock about this news.
    Hermaphrodite? My kids have a 7 yr old at their school....born with both and the parents decided she was a Lily. Lily looks like a boy, dresses like a boy, plays with boys, is straight up a boy....but uses the womens restroom. But she seems like such a happy little kid...has lots of friends, involved in sports and school. As parents we always worry...my goal is that my children know I love them, that God loves them, and that they are happy. You seem to be a good Mom already for having these worries.
    Sooo sorry for the long book. :)

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  17. Hi there! I'm in the 'not there yet' category, but girl... your email hits SO many of my fears, especially the post-partum... oh, and really, just all of it. I have no advice, but share the fears!! Have a great weekend.

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  18. I think your fears are totally normal! Just don't let them consume you. You guys will be great parents!!!

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  19. I had to lol about the hermaphrodite - I read Middlesex last year, and I could see why that would make you ask that. =)

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  20. Ok, some of these made me laugh out loud. Probably because I would be thinking some of the same things. And, because some of them are things I may or may not have teased my brother about (being born in the backseat (he was really born at home)) or have been teased about myself (having two heads). Some of the others made me go "What? That can happen?".

    Anyway, I think these are all reasonable thoughts to have, but I'm sure everything will be just fine.

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  21. pheu - i totally needed that. i'm expecting baby #7 & i still get anxious sometimes... but by the time i got to, "what if my baby is a hermaphrodite" i was laughing out loud, reading to my husband... i know the anxiety isn't fun - but once babe comes, a lot of that kind of stuff works itself out & for me at least, it's not as worrisome having a baby as it is being pregnant ;)

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  22. Julia, God is faithful. Cry out to Him. He will help you. You will love that baby a bizillion times more than you have ever loved anything, including your dog. And Lord-willing, this kiddo and the ones that follow will grow to be your best and dearest friends on the planet. My first baby, now 21, shared your blog with me. She just got her first big-girl job out there in the real world and I miss her more than I can express. Oh there were some dark days back there. I can still vaguely remember them now. But I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything. May it be so for you, too. You are about to embark on an incredible journey. Parenting is not for the faint-hearted, but it is so worth the ride. Blessings to you.

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