Tidbits

I know it's been awhile and I haven't even updated since my surgery. I told Nate the other night that I just can't find the motivation to blog. It's like I don't have the mental energy to compose a post, and really I haven't even been a good comment-friend lately. He asked me why I didn't feel like blogging and I said, 'I dunno....it's just I don't feel like I have anything to say other than the same old crap about me being sad and grieving.' As a husband who normally 'doesn't get' the blog-life, although he's always supported me, I was sort of caught off guard by how strongly he felt about my statement. He really didn't like that I said I have nothing to blog about and started helping me think of things to say. He told me that it's really depressing to think that there is nothing good to share from our lives right now and plus, it's obviously not true. So that was sort of the kick in the rear I needed. Now for some tidbits.

-Surgery: Yes, I had it 2 weeks ago on Monday 6/13/11. It went very well and my OB was pleased that there was no signs of infection, but had lots of tissue that needed to come out of there badly. The day of the surgery my mom was a HUGE help for me because I was pretty groggy and weak but really by the next day I was already feeling immensely better. By day 3 I was back to work and sent mom back home and I'm happy to report that within one week of surgery, I have officially stopped bleeding! Hallelujah. Just a reminder: I bled for 6 weeks solid. Pads suck. Miscarriages suck. And not wearing any feminine products is awesome. I'd say I'm back to normal physically and still working on my mental state every day. There are happy and sad times, which is normal, and lately I'm just trying to focus on the present and my many blessings. Also hoping to get my period soon, to prove my body is back into it's normal cycle, because I think that will seem like the final step of this very long journey. Isn't it crazy that I got my positive test at the end of March, the bad ultrasound at the end of April and now it's almost July? Longest m/c ever...

-Sad news: on Saturday my in-laws had to make a very difficult decision to put their dog, Sammy, down after 13 years of being a part of their family. He really declined in the past few months; couldn't see or hear, couldn't hold his bladder, wasn't sleeping at night but was very lethargic during the day, was really weak and was obviously uncomfortable. His quality of life wasn't there anymore, as he didn't even enjoy his previously favorite parts of his day. It was time and Lois said it was a peaceful goodbye but still heartbreaking. I hate to see my in-laws, who are like parents to me, upset and I hate to think about this sort of loss. I don't even want to think about how hard it will be when Henry's time comes, especially now that Truman is literally in love with his 'daw-daw'. Hopefully, since he will only be 6 years old this fall, we have many more years until that point. But good old Sammy was a wonderful family pet and he will be missed. Here's to many bones and butter dishes in doggie heaven, buddy.

(back in 2009, 10 years old)



(and Saturday morning, 13 years old and just the sweetest soul)





- Sleep: I'll post more in an upcoming 16 month post, but dang---Truman ain't sleeping worth a hoot. He is teething and thus waking up screaming at about 4 or 5 every morning. Refuses to go back to sleep. It's amazing how quickly you forget what those newborn sleepless nights felt like. Quite a sobering reminder of what it will be like someday with number two, and a reason to be grateful for our normally-great sleeper. I hope he returns to us soon. It's a good thing he's so darn cute, right? And just because I can (I don't think baby butt cheeks are inappropriate for a few more years, right?)...


- Nate's job: the hubs is a working man and LOVES his job! We are seriously so blessed that he found an amazing fit with his coworkers and clinic. There are a few other male therapists there and get this: they all love to golf and even do swing analysis at their clinic. And his company is paying for a course in Chicago later this year, so that Nate can be 'Titleist certified'. I don't know what that means but I know that it brings much giddiness to my husband's life. And also, the second paycheck is mind-blowing, as expected.

-Bills: and of course, this increase in our income came at the PERFECT time because we have hellified medical bills now! Whoo Hoo! I'm having some difficulties with our stupid insurance right now because they haven't covered jack crap thus far and nothing sucks more than having a miscarriage, then having to call insurance companies to explain that no, I am not pregnant, and yes, I am having a 'pregnancy complication'. I wrote a very strongly worded letter last night and am sending it off as a 'grievance'. I know it might not help but dang, this is the opposite of fun. We are incredibly lucky that we do have a nice savings account, which was to be used for a downpayment on our first home, and luckily we won't go into debt over this. I know not a lot of other couples out there could say the same, but it's still hard to let go of a chunk of our nest egg to pay for losing a baby.

-House: originally, when we were pregnant and due in November, we thought about starting a house hunt this fall and moving in right before the baby was due. But now with the loss and the mounting bills, it seems like there really isn't a rush anymore and every month we spend at this duplex is more money we can save to replenish our nest egg. Although I'm super excited to buy our first home and can't wait to decorate the crap out of it, I'm surprisingly okay with waiting on it, too. After all, 'waiting' is now my middle name.

-Cars: because medical bills, house hunting, and insurance woes are not enough 'adult problems' to deal with, we also have to consider my poor car. After my little episode the other week, it's becoming apparent that my 10 year old car is getting to the point where we are pumping a lot more money into it and we aren't even sure it's going to last much longer. I mean, the recent break down was because I needed a new fuel pump and this marks the third year in a row when we had a major expense for my car. I really don't care about the status-symbol of a new car and have always said I just want to run mine into the ground, since it's paid off and I adore the fact that we don't have car payments. But after my time being stranded with my broken down car, I've started to feel really nervous driving around town with Truman. I'm constantly worried it will break down again with him in it, or while I'm working and in a not-so-great area. I mean, my car is more than just a thing to get me from point A to B now: it carries our most precious cargo most every day of the week, and now I drive around town for my job. So anyway, we'll see. Lots of big decisions to make there, too. Mostly I'm having to let go of my SAVE MONEY attitude to see that safety is really number one, not money. When it rains it pours, right?

-Mom suit: how does everyone feel about mom's wearing bikinis? How do you feel about one-piece suits, too? I've always worn a two piece my whole life, and never really thought twice about it. But now that I'm a mom, I sort of feel like exposing my stomach is a little weird---like I'm trying to be a teenager again. It's not that I have fat rolls and mommy-scars to hide, but I almost feel like it's more appropriate to wear a one piece when I'm hanging out with Truman at the pool. I dunno. It's just a weird transition for me mentally. And also, there aren't a ton of cute one-piece suits out there, either. Except for this one from J.Crew and it's $125. Gulp.

- Vacation: speaking of swimming suits, we are taking a REAL vacation in August!! Besides our honeymoon and our first anniversary trip to San Diego back in the day, Nate and I haven't ever been on a real vaycay other than to Chicago and Missouri for short trips. It's high time, no? We are making it a family affair and will bring Truman with us to Fort Myers, Florida--where we will rendevous with our good buddies Hannah, Michael, and Tilly. I'm pretty sure that Tilly and Truman will be the cutest things in the entire world as they play on the beach together. Of course the logistics of flying, renting a car, and managing toddlers on vacation is a little daunting but I know we will make it work. The countdown begins! (and the swimming suit hunt...)

-Father's Day: We celebrated Nate's second Father's Day this year by going to church (where he won the award for being Dad to the youngest child---it wasn't a popular day for new dads to go to church, I guess!) and then pressies. Truman and I made a little project for Nate and whoo-boy, it was a doozie. I am so glad I don't force my son to sit still for longer than .2 seconds for any reason because it's like wrestling a crocodile more often than not. I got the idea from Pinterest and love how it turned out, even though it was tough to get any halfway decent pics. Also, Nate has this framed and on his brand new desk at work. Isn't that the cutest?


-Pinterest: Speaking of this amazing time-waster of an inspirational site, I am officially addicted. Here are my boards if you want to follow me and/or have me follow you. Lately my newest obsession is finding the most beautiful inspirational quotes on there and pinning those bad boys onto my boards. Also, I love all the rainbow stuff. I just can't avoid the bright colors!

-LuLuLemon: another love of mine lately? LuLuLemon....anything. I now own three pairs of their pants, one hoodie, and two headbands. When I first heard about this line of yoga/running apparel I gawked at the prices and couldn't fathom paying THAT much for yoga pants. And now? Even a tight-wad like myself can see that these pants are basically life-changing in their fit, comfort, materials, and amazingness. I am absolutely getting my money's worth with every purchase I've made even though I still think it's a little ridiculous to pay $98 for a hoodie. But look at how cute it is!

Oh, that's just me during our fourth anniversary trip to Chicago last month. Soaking wet from the monsoon but still rocking the hoodie. And their pants, of course, so we basically looked like we could work there (yes, Nate is just as obsessed as me, if not worse).

Also, I literally live in my yoga pants. Yes, they are expensive but they will blow your mind. And they come in Talls that are so long I have to get them hemmed. Like I said, life-changing!


-Tunes: why not cover the entire spread of life with this post and hit up my newest music obsessions, too? I have been totally digging Phoenix, The National, Blind Pilot, Horse Feathers, Bon Iver, and Passion Pit. I feel very mellow and in tune with my emotions lately, hence my really hip/alternative choices. Anyone else love these bands and/or want to recommend others like them?

Is that enough food-for-thought for you? :)

One where I whine a little

You know 'those days'--the ones when you swear the universe is out to get you, and it gets to be slightly comical because everything goes wrong? I had one of those this week on Wednesday. I also have an update for you on my medical situation but first I have to give the spotlight to my Day From Hell.

I have been doing pretty well with my energy levels lately and so I saw two patients Wednesday morning before my all-important follow up appointment with the OB clinic at 1:00. Everything was going swimmingly and I was driving out to the doctor's office with questions bursting from my mind, waiting to be answered. Would the ultrasound show less 'conception products' meaning that the shot in the hospital worked? Would my giant/annoying blood vessel still be there? And would my pregnancy hormone prove to be dropping down to 0 in my blood work? All very exciting answers to be had since it had been a week after my little stint in the ER.

So doo-dee-doo, I'm about 5 minutes away from the clinic (which is a good 10 miles from home) and I go to push my gas pedal and there is no power in my car, all of my warning lights are lit up on the dashboard, and I can barely steer my freaking wheel (excuse me, but 'freaking' might be the word of choice in this post, so bear with me). I somehow manage to pull my car off to a side street and wonder if I just ran out of gas---a first for me, really embarrassing, but it's bound to happen at some point since I do like to push the limits with my gas light. But the light only came on to warn me of lower levels one minute before my car sputtered out on me, so I really didn't know if that was the diagnosis but I figured I had to try adding fuel first before anything else.

I started the trek to the nearest gas station, which I swore was only a block away while I was driving down the street, but in actuality was about a half mile away. So it's 90 degrees in Milwaukee, which by Wisconsin standards is basically an inferno, I have flip flops on and my feet are killing me, and I am not supposed to exercise at all at risk of my uterus springing a leak. Great. All in the name of a stupid 2 gallon plastic tank of gas that was dripping all over me as I hauled it back to my stupid car. And then? I couldn't figure out how to attach the gas spout and literally, I felt like the biggest space-cadet ever. Thankfully a nice mom-type lady stopped and we figured it out together, but I swear it really wasn't the easiest procedure. So of course, I put in 2 gallons of the really expensive gas that had spilled all over my sweaty, tired self and my car still would not start. It just keeps getting better, right?

At this point I had officially missed my appointment so I called to tell them the situation and they said they might be able to squeeze me in within the hour if I got there in one piece. I was hoping that my car would magically fix itself and I could continue on with my day but of course that would be too easy. I told the office I'd do my best, and then I called AAA and expected them to be my saving grace. Good thing I have a basic membership and they could come to my rescue and turn the universe around for me, right? Um, no. Old dude was no help at all and tried adding more gas to my car with the same crappy results I had before. Thanks, AAA.

And so I waited some more, because that is my full-time job lately as Julia-Waits-A-Lot, as AAA hunted for a tow truck company that could get me the heck out of this mess. An hour later, a truck did arrive, and by that time I had been stranded for 2 whole hours. I was fighting off the tears and teetering on the verge of a breakdown but decided to snap a pic and post it on Facebook instead. Priorities, right?

Once my buddy Nick, from the towing company, got my car up on his truck the best part of the day happened: he went to open his driver's side door and noticed that he had locked HIS keys in his truck. Amazing, right? You can't make this stuff up! He walked around to the passenger side and somehow, by the grace of Jesus, the door was unlocked and he could crawl in just fine. I should have known right then that Nick-ster wasn't exactly on top of his game but I really didn't care since he had AC in his pimped out tow truck. I thought to myself, 'What in the heck would I have done if Truman was with me right now?' and thanked God that at least he was safe with Lori and I wouldn't have to decide between holding him in my lap inside this tiny truck and calling a taxi so that I could use the car seat. Cannot even imagine how much worse this would have been with Truman out in the heat.

As we headed back to my little suburb, which of course was out of the 'free 5 miles of towing' radius, Nick hit two detours which had us wandering around greater Milwaukee for a bit until I decided to pull out my own Garmin and take charge of this faulty expedition. We finally landed at the shop at 3:30 and after I swung a deal with Nick to only pay for the miles he SHOULD have driven to this place, my mother-in-law met me so we could get Truman.

But of course, before we even had a chance to wrestle my car seat out of my car and into my mother-in-law's teeny tiny two door Civic, Lori called to say that Truman had a 100.9 degree fever. His 15 month well-baby appointment was the day before and he did have 3 vaccinations, so I knew that was it---but seriously? A baby that has a fever is so pathetic and sad and heartbreaking. And it was just the last straw.

We finally made it back home and Truman just could not fall asleep that night. He was uncomfortable and overtired and just wanted to be held. I held him and rocked him and rubbed his back while I let myself cry it out a bit in the process. My baby doesn't feel well, I'm still going through this horribly drawn-out miscarriage, and now we have to pay for my car to be fixed on top of the ever-mounting medical bills. I try to be a positive person most of the time but at that moment I had a major pity party for myself.

But you know what? I honestly think that my car broke down for a reason that day. I missed that appointment but already had a second-opinion appointment set up for the next day, with my old OB that delivered Truman. I called her up after my ER scare and she talked to me on the phone for quite awhile, giving me much more confidence with my situation. I planned to switch my care back to her once this dreadful ordeal was over, but when I didn't make the appointment with the other clinic, I decided that enough was enough---that was my sign to switch my care back to my old OB immediately.

I won't go into detail but I haven't been happy with my care with the new OB. Of course, with a situation this horrible it's always going to have a negative cloud over the care you receive but I needed to move on from that place and back into my comfort zone of Truman's OB. Insurance woes aside, I knew I needed to be her patient again.

So on Thursday I saw her and basically she says I need a D&C immediately because my uterus still has tons of 'products' remaining inside of it. She assured me that my uterus walls were 'beautiful' but my poor body just can't get rid of everything although it's trying to hard to do so. 5 weeks after the Cytotec was placed I am still bleeding and my body need help to end this mess. She is not concerned about the mutant blood vessel because she feels this is a normal thing to happen when a uterus thinks it's still pregnant, but I have another 'high tech' ultrasound this afternoon just to be sure. As long as that is okay, I am having surgery on Monday morning at 7:30 (prayers please!)

I have a million and one thoughts and questions and feelings about the course I've been on since that ill-fated ultrasound 6.5 weeks ago. But mostly I just want this to be over since I have done my time with this part of the physical journey. My mom is coming to town to be with me and help with Truman after the procedure and I feel a sense of peace about this decision for surgery. It's going to be okay. I'm going to get through this and learn a whole lot about patience and trusting in God. And I really do have faith that I will have more children in the future, looking back on this time as a horrible speed bump on the way to growing our family.

My OB gave me a printed out picture of my newest ultrasound of my poor uterus, ironically so full of 'loss', that it's the complete opposite of the happy ultrasound pictures showing actual babies with beating hearts, pinned up on refrigerators around the world. At first I couldn't look at the sad sight but now I feel like that picture symbolizes the low point and someday when I have my happy ultrasound picture full of new life, I'll look at this current picture and smile. It's got to get better. I just know it.

After all, I am very blessed, aren't I?

Fifteen Months

{hanging in there so far, bleeding is under control and I feel a little stronger each day. The couch is my new best friend for now and I'm trying to sort out my thoughts. Thank you for the prayers, I feel them!}

I happened to take a lot of pictures this month, so watch out! The month of May was eventful and full of awesomeness for Mr. Tru. Let's begin, shall we?

-We celebrated my second Mother's Day together, even though I barely remember the first so it basically felt brand new this year. Truman looked especially dapper for his mama that Sunday.

-We had a fun first birthday party to attend, for the one and only Eli, where Truman and his daycare buddy Henry decided to hug for the camera. Dying over this one.

-And of course we had his Daddy's graduation to celebrate, an event that I envisioned in my head since the day we found out we were pregnant with Truman. I always pictured a little boy running towards his daddy, all dressed up in his doctoral robe, after the ceremony. But of course, Truman didn't make it the whole ceremony and needed a nap before that vision could actually happen. Still, it was such a fun day for our family.



-Probably the single biggest milestone Truman has hit in his little life thus far is that he became a full-time walker this month! He took his first wobbly steps at about 13.5 months in April, and then by about the second week in May, a little bit after he turned 14 months, he was off to explore the world by foot. I really thought he might not walk until 18 months but he proved me wrong, yet again. I love seeing this little blob in the corner of my eye toddle by me and into other rooms of the house. It's just a little alarming when I scan each room and can't find him anywhere, but luckily our house is small enough that he can't hide for too long.

-Now he is into this new 'thing' of the week where he'll walk around and throw both hands up in the air, like a freaking champion. I love this new trick.

-other new amazing tricks? Talking on the telephone. Even pretending to hold an imaginary phone up to his ear when he sees mommy or daddy talking on theirs. He's very popular on the phone, of course.

-finally learning to stand up from a seated position without pulling up onto anything. He did this just a few days ago for the first time and I freaked out. So proud of him! This little photo series captures the event nicely. I was trying to do something cute for Fathers' Day but the pictures aren't my favorite, so I'm scrapping it, but I still like these shots.

Favorite new hobbies include:
-playing with his shape sorters. He gets really intense with these and claps for himself when he gets the right fit.

-making imaginary soup with his wooden blocks. Or really, playing with our pots and pans for any reason, stirring, tasting, and making lots of noise. I am not kidding when I say he will do this by himself for about 45 minutes at a time. AMAZING attention span for cooking. It makes the dirty cookware worth it.

-and he's always been obsessed with buttons and technology, but this month he became crazy about our keys. It's hard to get them away from him, as he pushes every button to make the cars honk, unlock, and even start the engine with my automatic starter. Whoops!!

-This month he also began an new signature facial expression: The Scowl. It's hilarious and I think he pops it out for us about 100 times per day, as if to say, 'Mom you are SO annoying'. Might not be so cute when he's a teenager, huh?

-His personality just keeps emerging every day and boy, oh boy, we have an entertainer on our hands! I think his elementary school teachers might have a few parent-teacher conferences with us to say, 'Truman is a great kid but he's just such a class clown!' I mean, just look at these faces he makes at us in order to get a good laugh:

-and speaking of his personality, I think we have entered the 'temper tantrum' phase. This is a picture of when Truman's world ended, because we took away Henry's leash from him.

Seriously, isn't that an awful face? If we ever take something away from him that he's just not ready to give up, we get this face and instant tears. He's headstrong and stubborn and wants what he wants RIGHT NOW. Ooooh, boy. These next few months are going to be fun.

-Truman is starting to talk up a storm, although I think most of the time he's speaking his own language we can't always understand. Definite words with meaning include: DaDa, MaMa, Duh-Duh for Henry dog (his favorite member of the family!), Yeah, Ni-Ni (for night-night), and Na-Na (for banana). Other strangely suspicious sounds include Li-Lou for 'Lori', Garf for 'Woof', and Ya-Ya for 'Grandma'. If I say a word, like 'granola bar' for instance, he will try to say it with his own muffled pronunciation, that matches the inflection of my voice perfectly and has the same amount of syllables. He will sign 'more' and 'eat' and 'milk' and 'all done' all the freaking time, and mostly he loves to point and grunt at what he wants from us. The best part of his communication with us? He knows what the word 'fart' means. If we say, 'Truman, did you fart?' he will start grunting and pushing. I find this fact both hilarious and disturbing, don't you?

-he can point to his belly (fave), his nose, his mouth, his ears, and will squint his eyes when we ask about them. I love that he is understanding us now although it's a little scary, too. When he sees mommy and daddy kiss he will make kissing noises and smile. He'll pet Henry like he's seen us done before. It's wonderful to interact with him like a big kid now.

-He got all four molars this month and they were totally wrecking our lives for awhile. It's so cute to see his fatty molars in his mouth now but dang, that also sucked. He has 11 total teeth now, an odd number since the bottom right side tooth is still in hiding. No canine teeth just yet either, so I know we have more teething drama ahead of us.

-as far as daycare goes, we have finally rounded the corner from those dreadful separation anxiety days and Truman now LOVES daycare. When he sees his daycare bag out on the table he'll point at it emphatically and then start waving 'bye bye' like crazy. When we drop him off, he willingly goes into Loris hands, smiles, and waves goodbye. Lori has been writing in Truman's book for the past few weeks that he 'had a great day today'. You have no idea how wonderful those words make me feel, after so many tears and hard days at daycare. I guess he is best buds with his daycare friends there and loves to play himself silly. This big step makes working part time SO much more tolerable.

(I love this walking shot for some reason---the posture is just hilarious)

-we finally got rid of the last bottle at night and Truman now drinks all his milk from a cup! This is another sentence I did not expect to write anytime soon, but we just decided to get rid of that bedtime bottle one night and it was fine. I'd guess he drinks about 16-18 ounces a day now and loves his sippy cups to death. That was a transition that was difficult for all of us but we survived, just like they said we would.

-in the place of the bottle-attachment, however, we do have another obstacle in it's place. The dreaded pacifier made it's return with a vengeance. You see, for the first 13 months of Truman's life he really didn't care about the paci. He'd throw it out of his crib at night immediately, and we'd keep one clipped to him at daycare for extra comfort and he would usually take it there. But then when the molars hit, and he had a cold, and mommy was going through some majorly sad times, we just decided to try the paci again at night for comfort. Whaddya know, it worked like a charm and now I think we have an addict on our hands. It's not THAT bad, really, since he only gets it for naps and sleeping at night, but still it's just one more thing we'll have to break him of later on. I'm not too worried about it though, since our Pediatrician said that breaking the bottle habit was more important than the paci, saying he doesn't suggest getting rid of that one until 18 months. He said if we got rid of it too early and Truman did need to suck for comfort, then he would just become a thumb-sucker anyway, which is harder to break. So for now, we are still giving the paci willingly for sleeping and little buddy sucks the crap out of it. Gotta pick your battles, right?

-baby boy has been sleeping like a champ with that paci, though, probably since he is burning so much energy walking around now. He's definitely only taking one nap at home (still two good ones at daycare though) and it's usually at least 2 hours long. He'll go down at 7 and not wake until 6:30 or so, which is SO much better than the 5:30 wake up call he was giving a few months ago.

-this month we kept looking at Truman, and would say, 'He is just SO big.' We cannot get over how tall he is, how grown up he looks, and how much he has changed in the past month. It's just crazy and when we have our 15 month well baby appointment next week, I will not be surprised if he's much taller than his percentiles from the one year check up. I mean, look at this---isn't he basically a teenager now?

Fifteen months old and tons of fun. We love you, Mister Man!

Scariest 24 hours yet

I feel like I need to post here, to keep everyone in the loop. I know there are many 'internet friends' who would be able to lift our family up in prayer and more prayers can't ever hurt.

I had to go to the ER on Tues night with severe bleeding from the miscarriage. I lost an insane amount of blood, clots, and it was the scariest time of my life. They had to give me a shot to make the bleeding subside to an acceptable rate and so far it's working. My blood count dropped so badly that there was no way they could send me home and I was really close to needing a blood transfusion. A long 24 hours in the hospital without sleep and with more testing than I thought imaginable but I'm home now, resting and waiting. Really scared of bleeding again, very weak and tired, but I'm okay.

They found a HUGE blood vessel in my uterus that is feeding into it, and causing the horrible bleeding from Tuesday night. Both the OB and the radiologist state it's something they have never seen before which is never a good thing to hear. If they would have done a D&C in the ER 'blindly' before seeing this new ultrasound with the vessel, it would have been 'a total disaster' as per the doc. Surgery is extremely risky because I could hemorrhage and need a hysterectomy, worst case scenario. She did give us the option of having a D&C now, with a special team of interventional radiologist on hand in case I begin to bleed uncontrollably. That runs the risk of having them cut off a significant amount of blood supply to my uterus, making it very difficult to get pregnant again. If it all went south, though, I would require a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding. Nate and I had lots of big decisions to make about how to take care of this, and it wasn't easy to make those choices but we opted to take a shot to help kill off the remaining products in me instead of surgery. Now I have to chill out at home and wait----will monitor the blood vessel and the products in the uterus for any change. If I do start to bleed horribly again I have to go back to the ER and have emergency surgery. Praying that doesn't happen, obviously. But we just couldn't choose the surgery right away without giving the medication a chance. I could never forgive myself if we chose that and something went wrong. At least this way we know we've given the least aggressive treatment a chance.

This entire process has been one of the biggest eye opening experiences ever. For about 30 minutes, Nate and I had to wait for the OB to give us an update after the RN told us the ultrasound showed 'a lot more complications than they thought.' That was all they could tell us and that half of an hour was the worst. I immediately thought I had cancer, and that they would need to do a hysterectomy and my life was over. I had to let go of any other 'priorities' in my life as far as having future children because all of a sudden, all that mattered was being here for Truman and Nate. The past 4 weeks since the miscarriage actually began have been hard--and I'd like to clarify that I haven't ever stopped bleeding in the past 4 weeks, not even progressing to just 'spotting', but the gushing of blood from Tuesday night was very obviously NOT okay. But the past 4 weeks were nothing like those 30 minutes of waiting for answers. I prayed to God to give me strength to lead me through whatever was to come, and of course He has. I have now learned that the inconvenience of having to wait for a second child is absolutely no big deal compared to what could have been, and what might come to be for us. So what if I can't have two kids just two years apart? Does the gap of children really matter that much anymore? How ungrateful and immature of me to be so concerned with the space between my 'assumed' children. I will consider it a blessing if I don't need a procedure that could possibly render me infertile. At this point all I can do is take it one day at a time and enjoy the present moment. Nothing else matters anymore.

That is what's been going on in a nutshell. Prayers appreciated!

( I was literally typing out Truman's 15 month post when the insane bleeding started on Tuesday night. So bear with me as I work on that one again---it's so unlike me to be late on this monthly post! )