On the other side

I flip the calendar over to a new month: September. The summer is ending and we are heading into fall---the smell of crisp leaves on the ground, football, cool breezes during our family walks, pumpkin spice candles, apple orchards, hot coffee, crock pot meals, fleeces, and sweaters. I love all four seasons we get to experience in Wisconsin but fall has to be one of the best. The scents in this cooler air remind me of last year and I can't help but flip through my pictures from September 2011 with a sense of wonder. Was it really just one year ago?

Last year at this time I was over-thinking every twinge in my body, desperately hoping that I was pregnant. Desperate. That is a great word for the Julia of September 2011. I vowed not to test for a few more days but I couldn't get out of my own head. I wanted so badly to be pregnant again. I would say it was bordering on an obsession, really. My head was filled with thoughts on babies and pregnancy tests and ovulation strips and timing and symptoms and hope but fear and plenty of anxiety. Prayers each night requesting a patient heart, His will be done, not mine. And when that Saturday morning finally came, and I allowed my self to test, I could feel the weight of that moment on my shoulders. 'Pregnant'. It was happening again. And Cecelia's tiny being was a matter of a few cells, rapidly multiplying and ready to fight for survival.

My pregnancy journey from the positive test until her birth was....rough at times. Nothing was certain. I was bleeding at six weeks and heard the words, 'I've never seen a bleed this big turn out okay in the end.' I was awaiting another miscarriage. Cecelia wasn't supposed to be sleeping in the swing next to me as I type this. And yet, here she is---every bit the fighter that we saw on that ultrasound screen last year. She's here and she is amazing and truly the most wonderful miracle I've experienced. Words could never fully capture the love I have for my daughter and it seems silly to even try to describe how grateful I am for this little lady. Gratitude. Thankful. And even when my little fighter is fighting any sort of routine, or the bottle, or sleep, and I'm fighting back tears----even then, I wouldn't trade a second of it for the world. She is worth it. I think back to the Julia of September 2011 and remember how badly I ached for our second child. And I'd gladly take the sleepless nights and newborn dramas over the desperation for another pregnancy.

Prior to that magical moment of Cecelia's announcement into the world with a positive test, we had been through some of the most difficult months I could have imagined. And it's those months of grief and mourning and loss and despair that I find myself sorting through a year later. It's not that I think about my miscarriage a lot, and I don't let it get me down too often. I don't want you to think I'm sitting around dwelling on the loss or feeling sorry for myself. But when those memories come back to the surface they still make my heart hurt. Who was baby Wren? Why did it have to happen? Why did I have to have one of the most complicated, prolonged, expensive miscarriages ever? My story still seems like it happened to someone else and as I type it out, or read back over my own posts, I almost feel like it was all a dream. Or a nightmare, I suppose.

My body didn't know the baby's heart stopped beating and I needed medication to get the actual miscarriage going. It was painful. It was scary. It was horrible. I bled for 6 weeks just waiting to fully lose my baby, then had severe hemorrhaging and landed in the ER, where the staff handled my case like crap. Threw out words like 'hysterectomy' and 'large mass' and didn't provide any sort of answers or hope. Then I had the surgery I so badly needed and things started to return to a new normal. And nearly 7k later, with an entire summer of heartbreak, we entered the fall. When I saw the word 'pregnant' and felt a sense of peace, if ever so brief, that the worst was behind us.

I hear the creaking of the swing next to me and glance over at my beautiful baby girl, and I get a little choked up. Tears welling up in my eyes show me that again, it was all worth it to have Cecelia here with us. If Wren had been our number two we'd never have the privilege of meeting Cece---and that would be the biggest loss of all. But it still hurts to remember the path we took to get on the other side of loss.

My heart breaks for every other woman going through the motions of life after a loss. Miscarriage is everywhere and each time I read about it, or hear about it, I feel angry that it happens so much. It's not fair. It's so sad. But life does go on. It will get better.

A year later, we are living the life with two kids that I dreamed about for so long. It's happening. It's real. SHE'S real. We're on the other side of a loss. And I'm at a loss for words to accurately reflect my gratitude. And so I simply give my sleeping baby a kiss and say a prayer of thanks.

She's worth it.

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22 comments:

  1. What a beautiful post. It made me tear up and feel so thankful for the little kicks and flips I was feeling as I read it. I have been reading your blog for a long time now and appreciate that you continue to share your life!

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  2. Beautiful post, Julia. Especially awesome for me to read as I seriously just sat here in tears about being just so tired over yet another frustrating sleepless night but still so in love with my boy that I ALMOST don't care. I mean, I obviously CARE because sleep? Is awesome. But you know what I mean.

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  3. I love this post, Julia. And while I'm not on the other side quite yet (so close!), I can relate to it so well. The hurt and anger that comes with remembering the miscarriage, the miracle of this baby, knowing I had to go through what I did to get the gift of the baby I have...it's wild ride, but oh so worth it.

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  4. Beautifully written, thank you...

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  5. Your post brought me to tears. So happy that you guys are on the other side of loss. I had two miscarriages and a 9 month wait to get pregnant with our first baby. He is now a vivacious wiggly 11 month old and was exactly the baby God made for us at the perfect time. Sometimes his greater plan is far more perfect that we could ever imagine. It is just so hard to worship while you are waiting.

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  6. Beautiful, J! She is totally worth it!

    Although I never suffered a m/c, I often find myself looking at Eli and thinking if we got pregnant right away...if we didn't have to wait almost a year to see that positive pregnancy test, my guy might not be here. I might have a different child and while that would have been perfect and fine, it breaks my heart in to a million pieces knowing I might not had the chance to meet his little personality.

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  7. This post was beautiful to read and definitely brought tears to my eyes. I am 6 weeks out from a D&C with my first baby. I try so hard to be patient and believe in God's plan for us, but it is the hardest. thing. ever. I hate that we have to wait to try again but I know that when we finally have our first little miracle in our arms that it will all be worth it. Your post makes it a little easier to fall asleep tonight, knowing that other women have gone through it, are going through it, and made it to the other side with a perfect little person to show for it.

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  8. Wow, this made me teary..Great post!

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  9. Beautifully written (long time reader, never commented, just had to comment on this one!). I agree completely. I had a miscarriage myself before my second child and I often wonder what he/she would have been like. But, then I have to remember if I had met him/her, then I wouldn't have Jake... and then it's hard to figure out which one is worse. Miscarriages are hard, for me, the hardest part is that it taints your thoughts about pregnancy, babies, and what your body can do. I worry a lot about having another miscarriage when we try again. I was *lucky* in that I emotionally was able to handle the first one, but what if there's another? I'm not sure I would be able to take it. Ok, sorry for the rambling.. just wanted to say that I agreed with your post every single word of the way. Thanks.

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  10. This is one of your best posts ever, in my opinion. I'm so happy for you.

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  11. Of this I'm sure...one glorious day you will meet your precious Wren and hold her in your arms. Until then, she is safe in His arms.

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  12. ::tears:: Oh, my friend. I don't understand why things like this happen. I think we will never understand this side of heaven. But I do know that God is with us in good times and bad. What a blessing CeCe is. She is your forever reminder that God's love is true and everlasting.

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  13. I've been reading for a long time but never commented...this was simply beautiful. Miscarriage is so full of pain and mystery, but the journey through to the other side is just as full of joy. Thank you for sharing this.

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  14. This is so beautiful, Julia.

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  15. Beautiful post, momma! i can't relate on loss but I can tell you I look at Bennett and think, what if. What if we didn't stop the bleeding and I wasn't holding him right now?? I'm so thankful for him!!

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  16. Love this, Julia - made me cry, too. I'm so glad I've been able to watch you on this journey and experience the ups and downs with you, and I am so happy and thankful that beautiful Cece is here.

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  17. Your words have resonated with me since reading it yesterday. Such a thoughtful and insightful look at your experiences. Really glad you are "on the other side." though it's obviously bittersweet.

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  18. Such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.

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  19. I've got no words, but I love this post.

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  20. So beautiful Julia. I wrestle often with trying to understand my sadness in losing Josiah, because how I could I live a life without Ezra? But that little one was my baby too . . .

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  21. Long time lurker here! But I just had to jump out of the shadows when I saw your pictures from Breckenridge. The picture you have of the mountainside full of aspens is literally taken from my parent's driveway. They have a duplex in Blue River next to a couple from St. Louis. And the great picture of you and Nate looks just like the view out of their little back porch + hot tub. If you stayed at their duplex neighbor's place, that is just such a small world thing.

    We just went out in July for a few days of fresh air and ski every winter there. It is such a beautiful area.

    Now - to read the rest of your post!

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  22. Just realized I didn't leave my Colorado comment on the right post. Sorry!

    I also sincerely thank you for sharing your mc experience. I just had a d&c as well with my first pregnancy and am now frightened that this is what the future will always hold for us. Your story reminds me that I don't know it all, and the child that God will hopefully bring into our lives will be perfect for us.

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