The End of Nursing, Round Two

Excuse the heavy dose of emotions and intensity of this post. Any ‘end of ____’ post will always be a little sad for me to write, even though I know it was time. It’s the finality of it, the end of an era, and change. Change is still hard even when it’s good and even when it’s a conscious decision that you make.

It was my choice to wean Cecelia mostly because she was nursing three times per day and each of those times she wanted to nurse for comfort, to help her fall asleep. If she wanted to nurse randomly during the day for comfort, fine, but no. She just wanted to nurse to help her relax to sleep. And if she was sleeping all night and taking great naps, I probably wouldn’t have changed a thing. Once naps and early morning wake ups started to get hectic again I knew I needed to try breaking that suck-to-sleep association.

Plus I want my cycle back so that we can move a step closer to a maybe baby three. But that’s not the only reason, although I can’t help but mention that I don’t want this to be my last time I nurse a baby EVER. Then it becomes even more emotional and dramatic, so let’s all hope I get a third turn at this nursing thing;)

Eleven days ago I decided that nursing down for naps and bedtime needed to stop. We had tried a few other times to ditch these sessions but something always came up (teething, sickness, mommy emotions) and it never stuck. But this time I just started holding her, rocking, and singing to her before naps and bedtime. She only 'asked' to nurse by smacking my chest the first time I did our new routine and picked up on the concept of no nursing after that. Who knew she’d be willing to let go of her sleepy nursing so easily?

But we still had our once per day morning session even after we dropped the other two. And she would still adamantly ask to nurse whenever she would wake up for the day, so I obliged and had no plans to stop anytime soon. Sometimes she would nurse and then be happy and awake for the day and sometimes she would nurse and try to fall back to sleep for a bit. This went on for about a week after we dropped the other sessions and we were sitting pretty at once-per-day. Then on Saturday, her actual sixteen month birthday, I wasn't home when she woke up because of the half-marathon, and she cuddled with Lois instead. The next morning on Sunday she didn't ask to nurse from me after sleeping like a champ all night long. I didn’t think much about that at first and was mostly just really happy to get a full night’s sleep.

Later that night I started to wonder if maybe we were done. I panicked a bit thinking that if we were totally done then our last time nursing was a crappy one, since I was so sick on Friday and near tears the entire time she was sucking away. No, that would never do. I wanted to end on a high note and wanted to really appreciate our last nursing session together. I like to compartmentalize and control, obviously.

So on Monday, two days after her sixteen month birthday, I went into her nursery at 6 when she woke. She didn't ask to nurse and was happy to just cuddle in the rocker. I decided to offer one last time though, and immediately she ripped out her pacifier and latched on. Cue the tears.

It was pretty emotional for me to look down on her long, toddler body and remember when she was just a squishy newborn. She barely fits in the rocker with me now. She's grown so much in the last sixteen months and my milk can take some of the credit for that. She hated the freaking bottle and loved the boob from day one and somehow we managed to make it longer than I ever expected. No formula. Lots of pumping and effort and determination, then coasting in to the end in a relaxed, special way. It’s been a wonderful journey that I feel blessed to experience again with my second child.

I brushed her hair back from her forehead as she laid in my arms. I told her I love her and am so proud of her for nursing this long. I was happy to provide her milk and nourishment. I was happy to provide that comfort zone she needed in the past few months, when I’m convinced she was getting next to no milk anyway. She looked up at me with those big blue eyes and it was one of those moments.  A weak-in-the-knees moment between me and my girl. Bonding. Nursing has provided me with a forced break to slow down and bond with my baby girl, over and over again.

Thank you, God, for this child. And for these last sixteen months with her, including the thousands of nursing sessions we shared.