Sometimes the world does not make sense, and really horrible things happen that we cannot explain. There is a heartbreaking story about another mommy and daddy who will never get the privilege of watching their children grow up, and who will never get to say, 'I love you,' one last time. This story has been weighing heavily on my heart, to say the least. And then yesterday there was another unimaginable nightmare circulating social media, and I just feel pulled to write this post. I'm not trying to be morbid, dramatic, or assume that I love my kids more than any other mother out there loves her own. I'm well aware that my children aren't as 'special' to the world as I perceive them to be within our own little family's world. We, as mothers, all love our children beyond measure and we try to do our best to show them that love since everything can change in an instant. We all know and worry about the worst case scenarios and attempt to soak in all of life's sweet moments while taking nothing for granted. Easier said than done, of course.
That just got really deep, but I wanted to preface this letter to you, T. Sorry if I've been giving you a lot of extra cuddles and acting weirder than usual, too.
Even though you have over 128 posts about you on this blog already, I feel like I need to spell it out directly to you: Mommy loves you more than words. That is one thing you never, ever have to doubt, buddy. Your dad and I both think you are the most amazing little boy we could have ever imagined and I hope you understand the depth of our love for you.
So this isn't a post about what you are doing at age 4 years, 2 months. It's a post about how honored I am to be your mother.
You were the little baby who made your dad and I parents for the first time, and you get the be the lucky kid who introduces us to everything 'new' with parenting. Your first steps were our first time to celebrate a child learning to walk. Your first ear infection, fever, puking episodes and upset tummies were our first time knowing the pain parents feel when their children are sick. Being the first born of the family means you are leading the way for your siblings---something that I think suits you just fine. Watching your personality emerge over the past four years has been nothing short of amazing, even though it hasn't always been easy.
Sometimes I lose my patience with you and your constant demands of me. You are in this interesting place right now where you still NEED so much from your mommy, and sometimes I just can't give anymore. Sometimes you are so independent it's mind-boggling, and in those moments I realize how quickly you are growing and changing. But even when I get irritated, lose my temper, and raise my voice at you please know that it's only because I'm human. My love for you is unconditional and goes deeper than a few rough mornings of 'please put on your shoes, we have to go' four hundred times in a row. I'm sorry for losing it with you, buddy. I can only hope that you don't remember the tough times we've had together and focus only on the happy times---because there have already been so many!
I hope you think I'm a fun mom, a loving mom, a silly mom, and an attentive mom. I want you to be confident, happy, compassionate, and determined in this world. So when I tell you 'no' or discipline you or seem like the most unfair mom in the universe, please know that I really do know what's best for my boy. I don't like making you mad but since I'm your mom, I don't have a choice sometimes. I want you to have a level-head on your shoulders, ready to tackle all of life's challenges, prepared for anything that comes your way. You need to be tough but still sensitive as you grow up. If I give into your every request I'd only be hurting you in the long run, buddy. Trust me on this one.
I hope you really do mean it when you tell me, 'You're my best friend, mommy,' and 'I love you every time I see you.' The other day you also told me that you might marry me when you grow up, as long as you don't marry your sister first. There are just so many quotes from you, sweet Truman, that I will cherish for all of my days.
I truly cannot wait to enter each phase of parenting with you, T. Right now the biggest thing approaching us, aside from meeting your new baby brother, is you starting Junior Kindergarten this fall. When I consider that your school-aged years are here already, and they will be the biggest chunk of our parenting 'careers', I get a little overwhelmed. Excited, too, but it's overwhelming. I can't quite picture that transition just yet but I know you will rock it. Please be patient with me if I'm a little overbearing and nervous about the unknown. I promise to be patient with you, too, if it turns out to be a challenging transition on your end---but I have a feeling you will handle it like a champ. We'll figure out all of the new phases together.
You are absolutely one of a kind. You are the best son that we could have possibly dreamed about, when we started this journey four years ago with you. Even when we are butting heads I still think you are exactly who you are supposed to be. Thank you for teaching us so much in your short life already, and please know how much we love you. Words could never capture the magnitude of my love. You are the best.