Hidden Baby Chronicles: Deep Thoughts

June 11, 2009

The Paradoxical First Trimester (aka Deep Thoughts by a Newly Pregnant Lady)

In a few days I will be officially 5 weeks pregnant, which means I've had almost a week to let this news sink into my thick skull.

I can't help but think this whole first tri thing is both amazing and awful all at the same time. Let me explain.

Seeing the word 'pregnant' on our digital test was quite possibly one of THE happiest moments of my entire life. This pure sense of joy is almost palpable as we are entering into the next phase of our lives together: parenthood. It's something I've always dreamed about and words cannot describe how incredibly happy we both are to be in this position. Excuse me while I pinch myself.

Then again, having this immense sense of excitement and joy is fairly ironic when you can't tell a flipping soul. I mean, if I had my way I'd shout it from the mountaintops right now but instead we have to keep this humongous secret until we get official confirmation with an ultrasound. I'm honestly afraid that I'll just be talking to a friend, or a co-worker about everyday life and all of a sudden it spews out of my mouth without warning. Sort of like, "Yeah, we're going to make a chicken dish tonight and add a little side of....HOLY HELL DID I MENTION THAT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY???!!!???" Whoops. Talk about making a conscious effort to keep a big fatty secret.

Another interesting counterpart to the intense joy we are feeling right now is the debilitating worry of the first trimester. I know that there is only a 25% chance of miscarriage before you hear the heartbeat but omg...TWENTY-FIVE percent seems like a giant black hole that is going to suck me under and suffocate me to death. Honestly, why does it seem like everyone on message boards, TV, and movies miscarry? If I read one more phrase that contains the words 'empty sac' I'm going to barf. (and no I haven't experienced morning sickness yet, which I suppose is rather normal this early on but of course it freaks me out to feel relatively good. )

I know that every woman goes through this sense of worry and I'm positive it won't stop after the first trimester. Heck, I'm sure once this little bumpkin is born (God willing) I'll have to make sure s/he is still breathing all of the time, worried that s/he will fall and get hurt, or whatever. But honestly, I just want to see the evidence that so far everything is a-okay. Then I can take it from there and continue on with new worries, considering it a privilege to worry about my baby. But the thought that something might happen to this pregnancy is such a stabbing thought that I have to consciously make the decision to breathe. I have to believe that this is out of my control, that God knows exactly what will happen at that first ultrasound and beyond. I am struggling to take comfort in the fact that there is nothing I can do to make this a sticky baby. But Dear Lord, I want so badly to experience this pregnancy to it's fullest. Ugh. The sense of worry is definitely a paradox to the sense of joy in these first weeks of pregnancy.

It's almost like this is too good to be true. It's hard to accept that I'm really deserving of this amazing gift when so many people out there struggle for years to be in the same place. You know that feeling when everything is so wonderful in your life that you just have to brace yourself for the bottom to fall out? Yeah, I'm there right now. And I hate that I can't just enjoy this time and push the negativity out of my mind but I'm working on it, for sure.

A very wise friend of mine once told me something I'll never forget. She said that there are really only two prayers we'll ever pray to God. "Thank you" and "Help". Right now I'm praying both prayers with equal gusto. Thank you so much for getting us to this amazing place, and please help me chill out a teensy little bit.

More deep thoughts by a newly pregnant lady, coming soon.


  1. Congrats, Julia! I have read your blog for quite a while now (remember, your lone reader in Ecuador?), but am a rare commenter. I have a 6 month old daughter and motherhood has been the most amazing experience! Just wait until you see Nate holding that baby for the first time. It will make you fall in love with him a million times over. I, too, had all of those worries: "I feel great so something must be wrong". It's inevitable...as soon as you find out your pregnant that 24/7 mommy worry trait kicks into full gear...and I'm not sure it ever goes away. Best of luck to you and Nate! I look forward to reading about your experiences.

  2. I really can relate to this. In the beginning, I felt like the fear of something going wrong was almost all consuming. And I hated that. But after we saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks, I felt like it was such a relief and really didn't worry much after that. Of course, I still worry here and there now, but it's nothing compared to those first 2 weeks.

  3. Not that I would know from personal experience, but I would venture to guess that these feelings are totally and completely normal. In fact, I would say that to not have these thoughts would probably be kind of strange.

  4. There is so much worry in the beginning and I feel like every time there's some relief from hearing the heartbeat or seeing your baby on the monitor, something else will cause you to worry. But it's completely normal and part of the process. I do worry about him a lot now that he's here, but there is the BIGGEST sense of relief as soon as he arrives in this world and you count the fingers and toes and see him (or her) face to face.

    I love reading your hidden baby chronicles.

  5. Okay so I hated when I was preggers and random people felt the need to approach me and give me their advice/opinions/thoughts...just because I was pregnant: like the over-sized belly was a billboard reading, "Please share with me."

    So I know you will be getting a lot of advice/opinions soon, but if I could share one piece at this point (that I never took advantage of), it is to s-l-e-e-p, go on dates, go to movies, take your time, and really: sleep!

    (sorry, I just became one of those annoying, unwarranted advice-givers!)

  6. I'm not pregnant, but I'm a worrier, so I could totally relate to your post! I can see myself feeling the same way you did once we're pregnant.


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