Marriage = full of delightfulness

So last night I was in a deep sleep, probably dreaming about laying on a warm beach with a fruity cocktail in my hand, when something happened.

I remember being all curled up and happy. Then I vaguely remember a large forearm looming over my head. Next I felt the pillow---the one on which my head was comfortably resting--- yank out from under my skull. I think it actually caused my forehead to slam onto the mattress. Seriously.

So I tried to wake up from my slumbering stupor. I sat up in bed and looked down at the spot that used to house my favorite pillow. Then I looked over at my snoring husband and sure enough, he was cuddling with my freaking pillow just like nothing had happened. He stole the pillow out from under my head, you guys. Why would he do that to me, his loving wife of 1.5 years? Bastard!

My voice crackled, "Um, baby? I think you just stole my pillow."

One eye opened from across the bed as he said, "Wha?"

I woke up even more as my mood turned from confused to downright angry. "That is my pillow you are holding. You just yanked it away from me."

He handed the pillow back to me saying, "Oh, sorry." Then he fell back asleep as if he were an innocent little lamb. I willed myself to drift back to my pleasant dreams instead of starting a fist fight right then and there, but I tucked this event into my brain for discussion later. He would not get away with this.

So this morning, I was all "Remember how you stole my pillow for no good reason last night?"

And he was all "Yeah, well that's because you stole all the covers AND you elbowed me twice last night in your sleep."

WTF? Exaggerate much? Nate seriously claims that I grasp the corner of our comforter, and then begin to roll myself into a burrito with every last inch of fabric. Like I'm spinning out of control in order to steal every bit of warmth from our frigid bedroom. Fat chance. I think he makes this up [but I will admit that sometimes I'll wake up with the sheets wrapped around my entire body three times over. But I doubt I roll around like a Mexican food dish just to piss him off. I would never do that, now would I?]

So yeah, apparently I stole all the covers and also managed to 'flop my gangly arms' into his throat twice. I suggested that maybe I was trying to cuddle, to which he responded, "No, you were trying to slap me." Eh, same difference, right?

Ah, the beauties of marriage and sharing a bed with the man you love. I steal covers and he steals pillows. But I will always get the last punch with my 'gangly arms' because I rule, boys drool.

Are you with me, ladies?

Someday, when the world is a perfect place, we will own a king size bed [instead of our measly little queen] and have comforters the size of Texas so I can make my little cocoons without causing marital distress. Someday, my friends.

32 comments:

  1. This post made me laugh out loud. Seriously. We were just having a conversation about almost exactly the same thing that happened last night. He steals my pillows (but he doesn't wake up and won't give them back), I steal the covers, he steals the covers back and makes them into a "blanket person" that he hugs all night. Whatever.

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  2. I seriously could've written this post.

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  3. We share a full size bed. More like full of crap that you can actually get comfortable in it. My husband elbows me in my face. He sleeps with his elbows out and if I roll over, my face collides with his elbow. Ouch. I then take his arm and slam it over to the other side of his body in anger. Nothing ruins a good night sleep like a near black eye.

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  4. Love it! I get accused of stealing the covers all the time. Whatever. I'm cold.

    Proper coverage is a big deal in our house. Jim needs the sheets tucked just right by his feet before he goes to bed. I'm so short I don't care what goes on down there. So, there I am laying in bed while he's trying to adjust the sheets. I can tell by his jerky movements that he's annoyed with me. ha!

    And we are rude to each other in the middle of the night. He'll flat out pull the sheets away from me and I just pretend I'm in a deep sleep while maintaining a death grip on those babies!

    I agree with you...a king size bed needs to be in our future. Imagine all teh furbabies you could fit in one of those!

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  5. I am constantly shoving my husband to his side of the bed. Its ridiculous.

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  6. I once kicked my hubby REALLY hard in my sleep. I used to be a dancer, and it my dream, I was doing a split leap in the air. So in my dream I took a few steps, jumped in the air, and kicked my legs into the splits. It was a really hard kick. Hubby asked me what I was doing. By then, I was half awake. I told him that I was doind a split leap in my dream and that I would explain it in the morning because I wanted to go back to sleep.

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  7. This post is so funny! I'm not even married yet but can relate with my boyfriend. He has so many quirks about him...

    ...I think you inspired me to write a post like this. Hope that's okay :-) xoxo

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  8. I know Jason couldn't steal my pillow because we don't even come close to touching while sleeping. I joke that our idea of cuddling is to graze the other person with the tip of your pinky nail. He just has to worry about me saying crazy things in the middle of the night when it seems like I'm completely awake.

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  9. I'm with ya! I admittedly steal the covers, but it's only in preparation for when C steals them back. And! I get a 20 pound forearm in my face frequently. I swear he's going to break my nose one day...

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  10. I can tell you from experience that king-sized beds and ginormous comforters make no difference.

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  11. You should turn into an "old married couple" like Ric and I are. . .we don't even share the blankets anymore, we each have our own. I LOVE it that way! :) ha

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  12. wow, could i ever relate! my husband hates the "tuck and roll" move that i apparently do nightly! :)

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  13. ahhh yes, we have this same arguement. Although, instead of Jon stealing my pillows, he just does a "whoa is me" bit in the morning about how he froze all night. Then, wake me up!, right?

    We have a king size bed also...and as you know, I am small. So these problems don't end with a bigger bed.

    The king size bed is amazing though. Start saving your pennies now. It is my favorite piece of furniture.

    p.s. get an electric blanket. I praise Jesus every night when I get into a our cozy, warm bed

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  14. Too funny!

    My parents have a queen bed, but have a king comforter because apparently my mom is a blanket-stealer as well.

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  15. What a funny, funny post! I always think about how amusing it is that every couple has these random adventures in the middle of the night.

    A few years ago, Dave raised his arm in his sleep and WHACKED me in the bare leg, without even waking up!

    Oh, and since I can now speak from a week and a half of experience :)... a king size bed = heaven.

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  16. I sleep with two pillows - one under my head and one on top covering from my nose up. Ben has been known to yank the top pillow off from time to time in his sleep jolting me awake. We have a full size bed so we're extraclose. There is nothing like waking up in the middle of the night after rolling over to a face full of armpit.

    Maybe try getting covers that are king size instead of queen so that there will be more cover to go around. We have a king size cover on our tiny full size bed.

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  17. Ever since having a king bed on our honeymoon, we both want one!! We have a queen now and it's alright, but the king was nice because I didn't even notice Jeff rolling over and over (he does that a lot).

    As for the covers, Jeff says that I hog them. I do it in my sleep, so it's not like I'm doing it on purpose. If he ever tries to take my pillows, though, I will be hella pissed.

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  18. A king bed would be glorious! I, too, am guilty of stealing the comforter. BUT instead of stealing my pillow, Mike will end up with his two pillows (and his head) taking up 3/4 of my pillow so I'm squished to the corner of the bed. Between him and our dog, it is quite the struggle to get a good night's sleep!

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  19. Bryan slapped me in the face once in the middle of the night. Like flat out raised his hand in the air and brought it down HARD right on my cheek. Scared the absolute crap out of me--I seriously though I was being abducted or something!
    The next morning I asked him if he remembered doing it and he said no, but that he dreamt about slapping some random person during a fight!

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  20. Scott always says that I steal the blankets... but I wake up about 3 times a night with freezing legs because I have no blankets, and in the morning the blankets are turned sideways with the top at his side... hmmm who is pulling the blankets here! Him for sure

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  21. Umm, this post could have been written by me or my husband. Seriously, word for word.

    Megan

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  22. I totally wrap myself into a Mexican burrito too apparently and it would piss Matt off so much!!! THen again, what didn't piss Matt off???!!!

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  23. I too long for the day when we can have a glorious king sized bed. This post cracked me up. I always get accused of shoving my husband away from me in my sleep. He gets offended too. I guess I just need my space!

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  24. You've been tagged! Check out my blog!

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  25. Hah! Definitley with you.

    Nothing is more frustrating than your beloved ruining a night of sleep and then having to deal with them justify their actions, because much worse was done to them! Likely story!

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  26. Hah! Definitley with you.

    Nothing is more frustrating than your beloved ruining a night of sleep and then having to deal with them justify their actions, because much worse was done to them! Likely story!

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  27. I love your blog. I think I found it through the Nest somehow. Anyway, I just needed to know what kind of dog you have. Henry looks exactly like my parents dog. He's so cute! Sorry I didn't want to come off as a stalker!

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  28. Ha thanks! Yeah it's getting easier.
    He totally looks like my family dog Hayley. She is a lhasapoo. That helps for when we are on the quest for a dog. We would love to have one like her. But I guess a cockapoo would too. He is a total looker! Thanks for the info. I will continue to enjoy reading your blog!

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  29. LOL, o.k. I'm dying. That was too funny, and sadly, spot on. I'd sell a kidney for a king size sleep number bed.

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