Attack of R-squared

Warning: this post might be completely repulsive to some readers. Actually, it's quite horrid for me as well but I just have to get it out there. I'm not sure why but it seems blog-worthy. It's possible that this story has been overly dramatized for your viewing pleasure, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Henry is a male dog. However, Henry is the most asexual, gentle, meek dog you will ever meet. He is quite literally afraid of his own shadow and practically tremors when a stranger enters the room. He has never humped an object in the three plus years of his being [although Nate claims he partially humped his pink bear doll when he was a puppy, but I cannot believe that statement.] He is not aggressive and I'm pretty sure his testosterone levels are astoundingly low because no 'alpha male' dog could be my cuddle buddy quite like Henry. Such a lover, this one.

Which is why Friday night might have scarred me for life. I shrieked and clasped my hand over my eyes multiple times in disbelief.

Henry's red rocket made it's first real appearance....not once, not twice, but at least three times that night. I will from here on out refer to this awful sight as R-squared, for 'red rocket.' I do not need to explain, do I?

My baby, my innocent little baby, let it all hang out. And why, do you ask? Why would he do this to his mother? He might has well star in an X rated doggy film because I can't look at him the same way anymore. I blame it all on his new toy: The Lamb.



You see this lamb had instantaneous power over Henry. Usually, Henry sniffs a new toy with caution before licking it to death. But with Lambie [that is his nickname, duh] Henry pounced immediately and hasn't let her out of his sight since their first encounter. He licks her, caresses her, and stares at her with adoration. Lambie is officially disgusting and full of dirty dog slobber but Henry loves her despite the caked-on filth. They have a strange love, those two.


So anyway, on Friday night we were just chilling as a family like we usually do when all of a sudden Nate and I had a fantastic idea. We were going to teach Henry how to 'roll over' just because that is one command he's never understood. We tried and tried and tried, treats were had, many gestures were made, and yet Henry refused to do the deed. He got quite frustrated with us and VOILA....out came the first R-squared.

ACK! WHATTHEHECKISTHAT, NATE? I screamed. I watched as the smile fell from Nate's face and he took two steps back from Henry. Yes, that's right....Nate literally backed away from Henry as if the R-squared could cause physical injuries. And then just as quickly as it appeared, the horrendous site vanished. Whew, we hoped it was gone forever.

But then Henry began playing with Lambie and sure enough, our eyes were forced to avert yet again.

"No, Henry. NOOOOOOOO!"


My angel! Tarnished forever. Now granted, he didn't actually do anything with the R-squared but that is probably because of his parents' high-pitched screams. Nothing like loud noises to really kill the mood, right Henry?

In any case, don't you just love when dogs use their paws as hands?







And so I ask you, dear readers....have you seen this little treat on your own male dogs? Does it disgust you like it does me? Maybe it's just because I never had to deal with something like this before. I can honestly say I've never seen his R-squared for more than a millisecond and I hoped I'd never have to deal with such a tragedy. If it starts happening more often I might grow immune to the R-squared negative reaction. I suppose I'm just in denial. I like to think of Henry as pure and incapable of anything sexual and yet, he's obviously rebelling against my authority.

I cannot wait to have kids and even better, teenagers!


Until then, Henry has lost photographic privileges and I turned to a new subject. I'm sure you won't mind:




This is a subject that will not disappoint me in life. And it cannot surprise me with an X-rated organ...and thus, it can comfort me in my time of need.

But if I'm honest, red wine lacks cuddling skills and Henry is certainly king in that sense. In fact, I think I'm over the emotional torture already.

Come here, little guy. Just keep your R-squared tucked away from now into eternity.