dazzled

Okay, I just have to give my official Twilight review: both the movie and the book deserve your time. But I cannot lie, parts of both were so awful, so cheesy, so BAD that they cannot be ignored. I feel it is my duty to share both the positives and negatives to this epic film and novel. Yes, epic. And if you have not crossed over to the dark side yet you should really give into temptation and see what all the fuss is about. That's what got me--the curiosity about this odd plot and the resulting mania in all of female America.

Let's begin. I'll go get my notes I jotted down during the movie....

First of all: the makeup plastered onto Edward's face and lips was just horrendous. Was it really necessary to coat his skin with concrete-style white foundation? And the ruby red lipstick was just distracting to me. I mean, we get it--he's a vampire and all pale and stuff. But enough with the makeup, let the man's glory shine through! It seems like the producers really wanted us to understand that Edward is 'different' in the beginning of the movie, hence the obscene quantities of makeup. But then as the movie went a long, I noticed some of the plaster faded and we could actually see normal shades of flesh. This is the only picture that somewhat exhibits the makeup job gone wrong:

{from this site}

Next point: I'm pretty sure R.Patz [my new nickname for the loverboy] will not be receiving any Oscars for his acting capabilities. I know he is the proud owner of an English accent in real life, so why not let Edward use that insanely hot accent in the movie, too? I know it would be a little weird if Edward was British in the movie, but come on....the whole movie is a bit strange, isn't it? The fact that R.Patz had to twist his words into an 'American' accent made him sound a little bit derranged at times. It was like he had to speak at a slower pace just to formulate the words correctly and it was maddening for me. I just wanted him to speak effortlessly and if it wasn't too much, maybe he could just utter the words, "I love Julia in Wisconsin and plan to take her hostage very soon," just one time in the movie. What? Too much?

Moving on: I did not like Edward's two favorite facial expressions. The first being 'bug-eyed and crazy', like when he was driving away from the bad guys in the alley. Ew. Didn't like it. And the second is his ultimate fave: tilting his chin downward and looking up at Bella through his eyelashes. I know it was supposed to be all dreamy and sexy and stuff but for me it was just creepy. It made his eyes too squinty in my opinion. See, he's doing it a little bit here:{from this site}

And here, too. Don't even get me started on his 'topaz' contacts:

{from this site}

I truly preferred a normal eye size on him: not bug-eyed and not squinty. And mostly I lost my mind when he wore the sunglasses. Don't ask me why but they just got me:

{from this site}

A few more complaints then onto the good stuff: I was disappointed in the whole 'glittery skin in the sun' efffects because it was so much worse than I pictured while reading the book. I mean, it was basically like he had festering boils on his skin that were gurgling and pulsating under the sun. Gross! I pictured it more like tiny mirrors shimmering in the sunlight which--albeit very weird--would have been much better than the boils.

Speaking of special effects, Edward's speed running was a little laughable, wasn't it? I mean he was like the road runner on crack instead of a mysterious angel moving at lightning speed. His mammoth jumps between trees also made me giggle a bit. I'm not sure how it could have been more realistic, though, considering his special powers would always look crazy on the big screen. I guess in my head I could justify his 'skillz' during the book but when I saw it on the movie it was just silly. I guess that's what you get for ruining a good book with a movie.

But there were many, many fabulous parts of the movie, too. Parts that made me want to rewind it and just drool non-stop for a couple hours.

Number one: their kiss, duh. The one in Bella's bedroom was freaking awesome and it made me fuzzy-headed. Dazzled, if you will.

{from this site}

Then the one at the end, after Prom, was so perfect under the gorgeous lighted gazebo it made me want to shed a tear. And also, it made me think, "Now THAT would make for some good bokeh in a photograph!" Sure enough, look at this:

{from this site}

Sigh. Also, when Edward played the piano for Bella I fought off some serious womanly urges. Something about musicians always get me and I just loved that scene.

But not as much as I loved Edward in his baseball jersey. OMG. I'd play baseball with the Cullens anyday just to see him sprint around with eerie speed and his crooked grin on that pasty face.{from this site}

And I will say that when Edward entered the lunchroom for the first time I felt an actual palpitation in my heart-region. Great job there, producers!

Let's talk about Bella for a second, shall we? In the book I found her supremely annoying and one-minded. But in the movie I really liked Bella because Kristen Stewart seemed much more down-to-earth than I pictured Bella in the book. The movie Bella was charismatic and gorgeous and basically, what girl DOESN'T want to be Bella? Isn't that the point of her character? To make us all go crazy over how lucky she is to be with Senor Cullen?

{from GQ Magazine by Nathaniel Goldberg}

Just so you know, if I WAS allowed a poster in our bedroom it would definitely be one of the above two shots. I can't even describe how much I love his big floofy hair. Don't you just want to touch it? It's so wild, and crazy, and vampire-y.

{from this site}

So yeah, both the movie and the book started off a little ridiculous to me. Lots of unrealistic parts, a little over-dramatic, and definitely geared towards an age group 10-15 years younger than me. And yet by the end of the book and movie I was all amped up and ready to watch/read it again. Why does this story have such magical powers over us? Is it the whole 'being saved by a boy' theme....or the fact that Edward struggles with balancing his intense love for Bella with the desire to drink her blood? Vampires are so hawt. I think that must be it.

And with that, I am finished. Now don't get your hopes up but my husband might have posting privileges just this one time, because his take on Twilight is absolutely hilarious. I'm sure we could all use a male perspective on this topic, no? And some of his insightful thoughts about vampires, Edward, and the whole story are just too comical to keep to myself. I mentioned he should post his thoughts and his eyes sort of lit up.....and maybe they even gleamed a little amber color, I don't know. But stay tuned if you dare:)

Please feel free to disagree with any of my thoughts on this subject, or if you concur with some statements I'd love to hear that, too. I realize I'm about a year too late with this Edward-frenzy but better late than never, right?