Man versus Vampire-in-makeup

The following post was written by my wannabe blogger husband, Nate. Do enjoy:)

So tonight I was blessed with the opportunity [semi-forced] to watch parts of the teenage hit movie Twilight...and all I can say is “really”?!? I don’t get it. Is this one of the mysteries about women that us men will never understand? What would make an otherwise sane, perfectly normal 27 year old girl obsess over a high school drama about sexy [yet creepy] vampires? Come to think of it, my wife also likes Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus, so I might be onto something here. Regardless, a movie centered around love and sexy vampires made for high school girls isn’t my idea of fun but I sucked it up anyway and pretended to care.

Julia threw in the DVD and cued it right up to her fave part, Edward’s intro. The suspense was building as I was imagining how amazingly gorgeous this guy must be - I mean J wants his poster in our bedroom?!? Creepy what? In my head I quickly thought about the epitome of male perfection, but all I could come up with was Jack Black in Nacho Libre...pretty hot! Julia went all ‘Ceasar Milan’ on my butt when I tried to mention this vision during the movie, silencing me with the patented ‘shusht’ and an abrupt hand gesture. You know the move I’m talking about, right?

The scene starts with the Bella sitting at a table with some other girls talking about the swim team stuffing their speedos (funny what I remember from the scene, right?). And in walk four really really good looking, Zoolander-esque, people. Then...wait for it...following the four supermodels...wait for walks Senor Edwardo - blue faced, lipstick, and eyeliner - talk about HOTT! Did I miss a memo, when did Smurf-esque looks become sexy? And the lipstick and eyeliner? People, look how we’re inspiring our country’s teens. In 15 years the population of San Francisco’s Castro District is going to sky-rocket! I didn’t mention the hair, because as you’ve all seen, I’d be a hypocrite to slam the man for his beautiful hair...yup, I’m jealous of his ridiculous mop and yet, I still feel like more of a man since I don’t wear makeup. I’ll always have that one on him.

So what is it ladies, why does this freakishly, borderline queer-looking guy capture your lust? How many of your boyfriends/husbands go out with eyeliner and lipstick? In fact, how many of you would want them dressing like that...or running and jumping through a forest like a freaking monkey on crack?

Other random thoughts: why doesn’t Edward just turn Bella into a vampire so they can live happily ever after? Julia says it’s because Bella wouldn’t live with her parents anymore and that would be sad, but I’m sure Bella could swing a deal and live with humans a while longer. And seriously, the Cullens can't call themselves vegetarians if they eat animals. That's just dumb. Plus, when the rogue vampires appeared and wanted to eat Bella [they aren't vegetarians, obviously] the stare-down from Edward was actually painful to watch it was so bad. And finally, my favorite part has to be when Bella discovers Edward’s true identity through Google. Nice work on that one, producers. Google rules.

And that does it, my schedule (and the NCAA tourney!) has unfortunately prevented me from watching the entire movie but I’m sure I’ll hear all about the next book Julia just started. I can hardly stand the suspense.

I still don’t get the obsession, and you girls must admit the movie IS corny! But if it makes you happy, so be it...and enjoy lusting over your diamond-skin-covered, pale, and make-up donned vampires.

See, he just gave us the stamp of approval somehow. Let's go look up more Edward pics, shall we?

And with that I'm off to Chicago for Kristen's highly anticipated bachelorette party. My biggest worry is what on earth a homebody like me shall wear for not one but TWO nights out in a big city. Um, I guess yoga pants and cotton tee shirts won't do, now will they? To make matters worse it's not quite Spring [and the highs are only going to reach 40] but I refuse to wear one of my Mr. Rodgers cardigans out to clubs in Chicago. I'm not THAT pathetic, am I? It's time to get creative, my friends. I swear I used to be a social butterfly with multitudes of going out clothes and now look at old married hag who considers it 'dressing up' if I wear jeans and a sweater to the grocery store, instead of my sweats. Sigh. My new numbingly cold city inspires me to be a homely, I suppose. I can always blame it on the weather:)

But seriously---I cannot freaking wait. It might get nasty. G-rated pictures to follow.


  1. I'm going to make my husband a guest blogger on my blog. I have not read the books or watched the movie but I do not think Robert Whateverhisnameis is attractive at all. I blogged about it today actually. Your husband is a good sport for trying to watch it but I agree, NCAA basketball is way more important than anything on tv.

  2. Haha...I seriously laughed out loud as I read some parts of that. I read it to Mike too! I really think that he and Nate would get along. They could definitely enjoy bashing vampires together!

  3. Nate - I'm with ya! I have no clue what seemingly normal mid-20 year old women see in this Robert guy!!! Yuck! He is not attractive in any way!

    And, Julia... you can come up with a smoking hot going out outfit, even in 30ish degree weather! Remember: alcohol heats your body!

  4. Nate, Nate, Nate. I don't think the entirety of Edward's attraction lies in his looks, but his old-fashioned (though he has an 80-some-odd year advantage on this) ability to be chivalrous! That's my obsession!

    Julia, you could wear a moo-moo and still be hot! Have fun!

  5. I read it to Tom and he agreed 100%! Ha ha! And I agree with Stephanie. It's his chivalry that makes me heart flutter.

  6. Haha, good job Nate! I want to add that in addition to his good looks and old fashioned chivalry, Edward is also the ultimate protector of Bella, which is sexy.

    Julia, I totally hear you on having no going out clothes! My wardrobe now consists of fleece pants and sweatshirts due to the evil evil winter. Have fun this weekend!

  7. Nate and Jim are like two peas in a pod. I swear we have the same conversations about white makeup, red lipstick and eye liner. My own copy of the movie should be arriving today (it was on backorder) and I'm already thinking how to get Jim to watch it with me :)

    I'm so with you Julia on the "clubbing" outfits in winter. (Well, it still FEELS like winter here). I'd say wear whatever unseasonal shirt you can find and bundle up for the commute their. Have fun!

  8. My friend at work and I have been anxiously awaiting Nate's take on Twilight. I am sitting here dying for her to get here already so I can send this link to her.

    You are right on, Nate. I don't think Edward is super hot - he's pretty creepy BUT I sure will be in line for the first showing of the next one when it comes out!

  9. Ha, I love the breakdown of Twilight by Nate. He is, on most points, correct. However, there is just no explaining the obsessive fascination of Edward. Maybe it's the idea of the perfect looking man combined with how wonderfully he treats and protects Bella combined with the fact that he is an immortal vampire? It must be because all of this combined is literally unattainable. Hmmm. We always want what we can't have, don't we? That must be it!

  10. I hate to do this to you Julia, but I have to agree with Nate about the lipstick. I do think Robert Pattinson is hot IRL but I was very distracted by the bright red lipstick!!

    I also thought the multiple google references were silly and a sign of our times.

  11. Nate is awesome and this post is awesome :). I hope your bachelorette party is fun - I LOVE Chicago!

  12. Matt could not agree more with Nate's take on Twilight (except he went to the theaters with me to see the movie, so he got to see it all).

    Hope you found something cute to wear!

  13. Cute post. I'm sure my husband would feel the same way. I'm 44 and read all 4 books as quickly as I could. I've never read any series so fast. LOL. Maybe a mid-life crisis for me. But what's your excuse? Enjoy your weekend.

  14. Your hubby is hilarious :)

    I love the books, but I have to agree with him that the movie was pretty cheesy!


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