Storytime part I

I have been known to tell a story or two. Possibly throwing in some 'embellishments' every now and then but what good is a story without some pizazz, right? Before my life was forever immortalized through the almighty blogosphere [sounds pretty hard core, right?] I did, in fact, have interesting occurrences to report. Ah, if only I'd had a blog back in college---now THEN I'd have some killer stories to share. High school, not so much---it would've been pretty lame and full of sports and stupid drama---but college tales would have made you laugh out loud.

Then I had a light bulb moment [it's scary when that happens to me]: who says I can't blog about the past funnies in my life right this instant? Would the blogging gods strike me down or would my readers protest some good old fashioned entertainment? I think not. I think I'm going to bring it. If these turn out to be one of those you-had-to-be-there types of things, please put me out of my misery early on, mmmkay?

Today's story is not from college. I'm still trying to narrow down the blog-worthy tales there. Please enjoy, thanks:

The Day My Life Flashed Before My Eyes [otherwise known as When Dogs Attack]

The location? St. Louis, MO. The suburbs. In a 'melting pot neighborhood' of sorts, full of interesting combinations of citizens.

The time? One week before my wedding. Late spring. A time when some brides *might* lose their minds even without extra drama. Especially us psycho brides:)

It was a nice evening and I felt like going for a jog with my designer doggy. In hindsight suppose we both looked like easy targets: me with my blaring headphones, Henry with his white fluffiness. Not exactly what I'd call "Tough" but whatever. A bride needs to jog away her worries, so sue me.

We completed our 3 mile run and started walking up our driveway, fully content with life in general. Out of nowhere I see a flash of brown enter my peripheral vision...a flash that came complete with ivory fangs and four legs. This sketchy lab mix of a dog lunged right for my baby, right for little Henry, before I could utter a cuss word. Henry was still on his leash and my initial reaction was to yank the leash up so hard that his little body left the ground in short intervals, like a doggy yo-yo gone wrong. He was holding his own but the idiot lab was big, as in about 80 pounds big, an my little 25 pound canine didn't stand a chance. Lots of growling, yelping, and then my cussing intertwined with my overwhelming sense of anxiety. And that's when I started throwing punches into the ribs of this monster. We were not going down without a fight. Didn't this dog know I was preparing for the biggest day of my life in a matter of hours?! The nerve!

"Whose BLEEPING dog is this? Get him the BLEEP away! Help! Stop you BLEEPING bastard!"

Then the heavens parted and the angels started to sing. My neighbor, who we lovingly referred to as Shower Cap Man, lugged his bag of bones across the street. This is the same honorable gentleman who would bar-b-que in the dead of winter, wearing nothing but a shower cap and a Hefner robe. He is also the one who drives a certified 'child molester van' which boasts a duct taped boombox to the drivers seat. No joke, I couldn't make this up.

As SCM sprinted over to our rescue he said, "Git. Git outta here, you." And just like that devil dog sprinted away. At this point I was near tears, Henry was panting but seemed okay, and I gazed down to find my battle wounds: red scratches on my arms, probably full of rabies and bacteria and every disease known to mankind. SCM kindly stated, "Man, that ain't the first time I seen dat dog do dat. He attacked another one a while back and he almost didn't make it." OH HOW AWESOME. Thank you for that piece of information. I couldn't even speak I was shaking so hard, and I ran inside to inspect my pup.

Henry was okay, just a little freaked out, but okay. I on the other hand, was not okay. I was furious as I called Nate and informed him that we nearly died, in between sobs of course. He immediately said, "Call the cops right now. I'll be there soon." I really love him sometimes:)

So I called the cops while noticing that one of my other neighbors, the one we called White Trash Lady, stepped outside looking for her 5 year old son and her dog. Yes, that is her dog---it's all coming back to me now. The boy came back with the runaway monster and his mother screamed at him, "What did you do? Did Kujo just attack that lady? Why weren't you watching him?" [oh, and his name wasn't really Kujo but you know I love my embellies].

So WTL was verbally abusing her son because he didn't 'watch' the dog? Come on, lady, take some responsibility. And with that I was running out the front door.

Me: "Is that your dog?"

WTL: "Um, yeah."

Me: "He just attacked me and my dog and I called the cops. If I have rabies I'm SO going to sue you." [again, I didn't really say that last line but I wish I would have]

WTL: "Well, my son was supposed to be watching him. " pause.....wait for the apology.....nope, nothing.

Me: "You mean your son who is about five years old? Yeah, that makes a ton of sense. He's totally to blame, you idiot." And I stormed back into the house to wait for the cops with steam pouring out of my ears.

Turns out that the cops were very sympathetic, probably because they could smell the crazy on me. Or maybe it was because my eyes were bulging out of my skull when I told my story, but regardless.....they were nice. They told me to call with anymore problems and then scolded WTL, while her poor son sobbed in the front yard. You and me both, kid. Wanna split a beer?

And so, my doves, the lesson is this: always be on guard when entering public spaces. Or at least carry a baseball bat 'just in case.' And continue to feel disdain for irresponsible pet owners/mothers---it isn't the dog/kid's fault. It's the idiotic WTLs of the world.

Anyone else live to tell the tale of a dog attack?

And sorry this wasn't the aforementioned 'funny story' of the past. I'll make it funnier next time:)


  1. Is it wrong is I still found this funny! :) Especially since entering your yard is considred a "public space" and that WTW can be referred to as WTL's?

    I'm glad you were able to proceed with your wedding. :)

  2. That was a good one, albeit scary. I would have been too scared to even touch the other dog, much less punch him. But I guess if it was attacking my baby, I would have done anything to get him off. I realllllly despise irresponsible pet owners.
    Keep the stories comin'!

  3. I don't think the story is funny by any means, perhaps just the way you tell these kinds of stories is what makes it funny! haha

    I was about 11-years-old and my sister was about 5-years-old when we were walking around the neighborhood, and this little wiener dog attached us and bit her right in the middle of her left cheek. Crazy little dogs! They're just as crazy as the big ones sometimes! ha Thankfully, I don't think she has a scar from it. . .that would have sucked. So, did those scratches go away before the big day? Or did you have scratch marks in all your lovely pictures? (I had IV bruises on my hands from my car accident two days before my wedding. It would just be my luck that it would happen that soon and the bruise STILL be there - just MY luck! ha)

  4. Yikes! Glad you and Henry were ok. Did they do anything about the dog? I hate to see animals put to sleep, but if that was the second time that dog attacked!

    My mom was bitten by a dog when she was walking in our neighborhood a long time ago. She actually was pregnant with me! They made her go to the hospital to get checked out, but luckily we were both ok.

  5. Completely unrelated to the post, but I really like your new blog header! VERY pretty!

    Oh, and I would've crapped my pants then and there if a big crazy dog came after me. I don't have any pets, but I guess I could imagine (albeit painfully) the same thing happening to me and LO, in which case I fully believe I would've leaped into action the way you did in order to protect my precious one.

    Good story! Looking forward to more of the funny ones! ;)

  6. No, I didn't have visible scratches by the wedding day, thank goodness. And I guess this is supposed to be more 'entertaining' than hilarious---although some parts are still kind of funny to me. Like Shower Cap Man...he's hilarious.

  7. Good story telling very entertaining! My blood is boiling at WTL for you. Irresponsible pet owners are the ones who should be locked up when their pets attack not the animal. One less WTL on the street would for sure not be missed. Keep the stories coming.

  8. Ohhh - love the new blog design!

    And I too have a dog attack story. A pit bull took me down in my own front yard!! I mean, seriously, I was planting mums for goodness sake.

  9. I love bringing back stories! I have thought of doing the same thing, actually. I feel like everything exciting happened to me before I started a blog. Sigh.

    Glad to hear you and Henry were okay! I would have freaked the heck out!

    The new blog design is pretty!

  10. my mom was just attacked on the 4th of july! we went to the hospital and she said her entire forearm looked like hamburger meat.... GROSS! she's much better now but man it is scary!

  11. Yikes! That's not fun!

    A few years ago on the 4th of July, I was attacked by a weiner now ex-boyfriend's weiner dog. I should have taken it as a sign. Anyway, I spent the afternoon in the ER getting a tetnus [sp?] shot. I hated effin that dog ever since [and I do NOT hate dogs].

    Keep the stories coming. You might inspire me ;-D

  12. Ok, I think I am going to love storytime. I will let it slide that this first one wasn't too funny since you did make note of that at the end. Although your inner monologue kept me laughing.

  13. Shower Cap Man sounds like quite the character! And I can't believe WTL blamed her 5 year old kid for not taking care of the dog. Makes me wonder what bad behaviors that kid has learned from his white trash mom as he grows older.

  14. oh wow, i would be so scared! be careful with that family though, i hate to see it but if a five year old is sobbing about that dog he's in fear of something. a normal five year old is "play!!" not "oh no i let the dog out oh no oh no oh no". that would scare the daylights out of me to see that! they obviously don't take care of their dog if they're letting it out to attack yours, and i'm going to be praying that they aren't as neglectful to their son!

    sorry, end tangent/defending of poor five year olds who hopefully don't need it :)

  15. *hate to say it, not see it. oops.


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