The negatives

November, 1: 2016 | 4w3d pregnant



Perhaps listing all of my worries about this pregnancy will make it easier to handle the swirl of thoughts in my brain.

I am 35 and will be 36 when this baby is born. I am SEVEN years older than I was during my first pregnancy. Advanced Maternal Age means more possible testing during pregnancy (which I find fascinating), and a higher risk of a baby born with deficits. I know we would love this baby even if he/she is faced with medical issues, but oh---it would be such a different life than we are living now. It would be hard on our kids and just everyone, but we could pull together and handle it that was our destiny.

What if I miscarry? It could surely happen again and I think my loss back in 2011 weighs more heavily on my heart than I realize. This goes along with the first worry, because I keep thinking we are 'too blessed.' Which is ridiculous, but still---early pregnancy brings out the worst in my negative thoughts.

Medical insurance: the kids and I switched to Nate's plan for all of 2016. His open enrollment just closed three days before I got my positive test, which means we are on his plan again for 2017. And therefore, I am not with my beloved OB that I've had for the other kids. A different hospital for delivery, which also happens to be the one where I had my miscarriage. The new doctor I'm with seemed nice enough for a quick annual appointment earlier this year, but nobody can compare to my previous OB. We are working on a plan to get me back on my own insurance plan through my job, which is possible because my open enrollment isn't for another few weeks. I really hope this works out okay!

House: well, we only have three bedrooms and will have SIX people living in them. Totally possible to make it work, but I cannot imagine having Porter share a bedroom with a newborn. We've talked about a huge addition to our house for years....perhaps this means it's coming sooner than we thought? I doubt we will move from this house and I think we can just make the bedroom sitch work for awhile. I'm envisioning a trundle bed for Porter with the big kids in their existing room. Lord help us all.

In that same vein, MONEY. Kids cost money, with medical bills and deductibles and maybe a giant home addition. And college. And food. And all of that. Nate is currently making a big move in his career, moving towards owning is own practice. Which is AWESOME and what he wants to do, and has so much potential to be successful that we can smell it. But it's also a scary time since he's decreasing his hours at his current job to make room for the potential of this other path. How in the hell am I going to work with four kids? I mean, I CAN, but the logistics are nuts. We can't expect Nate's dad to watch a newborn plus Porter, plus the bigger kids when they are off school for the summers.

Hurting others: so many people want one child, or a second child. So many have been struggling to get pregnant and now here we are with a surprise fourth kid? I kind of hate us FOR those people. I know my brother and sister-in-law are going to try for a baby soon and I totally feel guilty for stealing their thunder a bit. Another friend of mine has been struggling for a second child and I dread telling her this news so much. Blog reading seems to be on a major decline, but I'm sure there are still plenty out there who will hate me for this announcement. Although I shouldn't care what other people think about us, I'm trying to prepare for some nasty comments about our reproductive habits and choices. Gross.

Twins. Enough said.

No more working on my fitness: meaning, running hard and fast probably cannot happen during pregnancy. I was really starting to get my mind and body back after three kids, and my favorite stress reliever is currently running. I run often and I run faster than I've ever run before. As much as I would like to continue running for the next nine months, it's not going to be the same and pushing my body in pregnancy scares me too much.

And finally, am I really mom enough for FOUR kids? Do I have it in me to be patient and loving and....available for four needs at once? Can I do it? Am I cut out for four tiny human beings depending on me? I better be, huh?

Man, the first trimester really brings out the worst in my mental state. It's hard to stay positive and I don't want to sound whiney about all of my worries. I'm an adult and know how babies are made, so I can't complain too much. It's just a little scary, and I guess it has been scary every.single.time before this.

So yeah, all of these worries are the predominant thoughts in my head today. The excitement is there too, and the shock is slowly wearing off but not gone just yet. I have known I'm pregnant for five days and it's amazing how many extreme emotions I've already felt. I'll write about how I found out and all of those details another day. Today is all about the worries I need to wash away with frantic typing.

I just re-read some of my older pregnancy posts and remembered: today I am pregnant and I love my baby. And also, 'just do the next thing.' Word, Julia of yesteryear. Word.