Emotional Rollercoaster

November 12, 2016: 6w0d pregnant with baby number four

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Well, this week has been rather INSANE.

Last weekend everything was fine. I hit the five week mark and started feeling some classic pregnancy symptoms with sore boobs, mega-waves of nausea, intense fatigue that cannot be ignored, Grade A bloating in the belly region, food and especially coffee tasting like dirt...the usual.

Then came election day, which was 5w3d of my pregnancy. On Tuesday, November 11th I went for a run with two of my girlfriends at 6:30 am. I was hoping to tell one of them about the pregnancy during the run, but didn't want to tell both of them when they both showed up, so I just pushed off the announcement to her for awhile longer. I didn't feel great that morning, and right when I woke up I swore I felt crampy. I am also known to be a head case during pregnancy so I wrote it off. I ran slowly and walked home instead of jogging after our three miles. The kids were awake when I returned home and they were off school this day, so we were leisurely getting ready as Nate prepared for work.

I took a shower, got dressed, and was texting my mom as I did my hair. All of a sudden I felt it: something coming out of me. This is not the first time I've peeked into my underwear with a sense of dread. But this time I saw bright red blood and my heart dropped.

I went to the bathroom and realized there was a lot of blood. Think 'starting your period' type of fun. I put on a pad and went upstairs to tell Nate, simply, 'I'm bleeding.' He was confused and said, 'Are you okay?' I didn't know how to answer that but immediately felt like the show must go on. Flashbacks to my miscarriage in 2011 and then my scary bleeding episode with Cecelia's pregnancy hit hard, but I did my best to remain level-headed.

Nate left for work and gave me a big hug. The children were ready to start this day and so we rushed out of the door for our first of several planned activities. Porter's art class came and went, I took the kids with me to vote, and then we drove to Cecelia's gymnastics class. This entire time I was sort of numb and I'm sure my face was completely blank. Angry, on the verge of tears, hopeful, confused.

I texted my mom and told her it was going to be okay. I texted my friend Erin since she was the only other person who knew I was pregnant (besides Nate's parents). I ended up telling two more friends this day because I felt a strong need for a support system, and let me tell you---announcing 'I'm pregnant, but bleeding and probably miscarrying,' is the WORST.

Eventually when we were all back home and Porter was napping, I called the (new) OB office. The nurse said they wanted to draw my HcG levels today and again in 48 hours. I was still bleeding bright red. I was cramping. I was certain this was the beginning of the end.

Tony stopped by around 1pm this day for something else and I ended up telling him the news. We had just told our parents a few days earlier and informing my father-in-law that I was bleeding was pretty awful. But I needed him to sit with the kids during my blood draw and of course he was completely supportive.

I got the blood draw. Nate came home for dinner. I cried at the dinner table when the kids were in the other room. 'No, I'm not okay with this. I mean, I will be okay, but this just sucks.' I pulled it together and plugged on through the evening.

Wednesday I had a super busy day at work. I was no longer bleeding, somehow, but spotted brown most of the day. I was so thankful that I didn't spring a leak while working with a patient and work served as a nice distraction. I told two more friends the news this day---again sticking with the mixed bag of emotions. 'I'm pregnant, BUT...' The OB office called this day with my results from the day prior. My HcG was in the normal range for five weeks at 7195. I looked it up and that was actually on the high end of normal. I felt relief, because I wasn't cramping, wasn't bleeding, and maybe this was another SCH like I had with Cecelia.

Thursday, at 5w5d I had another blood draw after a morning of work. Still not bleeding, still feeling mostly positive and downright nauseated all day long. I was hoping for the results that night but no luck. More waiting.

I got the call on Friday, while at the library with Porter. My numbers did rise from 7,195 to 10,215. The nurse gave some bland instructions about being aware of any severe bleeding or cramping, and we would just stick to the ultrasound that was already scheduled for next week to learn more. 'Isn't it bad that the numbers didn't double,' I asked?

'That's great if they do double, but yours went up by a third and that is the minimal amount we like to see,' she informed me.

Positivity lost out in my head for the rest of the day. I did (too much) research online to learn more about HcG draws. Some sites had wonderful success stories about girls who had non-doubling numbers. Some sites had miscarriage stories tied to those same ambiguous numbers. Some sites gave me hope, saying after 6,000 the HcG might not double in 48 hours anyway. They said it can take 3-3.5 days at that point, which was comforting. But making too much of HcG is kind of ridiculous and it was driving me insane. I had to step away from the internet and came to the conclusion that some things never change, and asking Google to tell me the future of this pregnancy wasn't a smart move.

And so here I am today, writing this at 6 weeks pregnant. Still not bleeding, not even really spotting anymore. My boobs hurt and I almost puked twice this morning already. Every twinge feels like it's the start of something bad. I'm worried about a miscarriage, worried about something being wrong with this baby, worried that my body won't be able to figure it out and I'll need surgery again. I'm just worried, guys. Rightfully so.

I'm also trying my hardest to stay positive and hopeful. Remembering to pray, remembering that this is out of my control, remembering that we will handle whatever comes our way.....it's not easy, even as a seasoned pro at early pregnancy. I'm trying not to think about it at all which is a joke.

Five more days until the ultrasound. I am hopeful that we will have a solid answer either way. I am nervous and dreading it, but I'm a pinch excited. I have no idea how this story will end and feel like we used up our miracle on Cecelia's pregnancy. At least we will see a heartbeat or not, and can tell if the baby is in the right place (sort of worried about an ectopic pregnancy because I like to diagnose myself).

So that's why this past week has been an insane asylum (in my head). What a freaking roller coaster of emotions! I forgot how cathartic it can be to type it all out on the old blog, though. Off to 'just do the next thing' which doesn't include freaking out non-stop. I hope.

11 comments:

  1. Julia, you write so well and really let the emotion flow through your words. I am sitting at work reading this and trying not to cry as memories of my miscarriages come flooding in. (Thank G-d I got my rainbow baby). The things that we do to have babies. I am so glad things worked out for you and so happy to hear about your surprise baby 4. Looking forward to reading more about your pregnancy journey.

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    1. Thanks, Hindah, and big hugs to you!

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  2. My heart hurts for you reading this but I'm so happy to know there is a happy ending.

    I've never had a pregnancy loss but as I said on an earlier post I conceived via IVF. So, I do know the crazy analysis of your HcG and the stress of waiting for those blood draw results. I had to go for draws like every other day for over a week when I first got pregnant because they were supplementing me with progesterone. And on the last day my results didn't double. To be cautious my doctor wanted me to come back in on Monday for another draw. The weekend was torture. Monday was President's Day and we had off with plans to go antiquing and to the Pottery Barn Outlet. I remember buying crib sheets at PBarn wondering if I was tempting fate. Later that afternoon I found out they'd more than doubled. But boy is early pregnancy a roller coaster.

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    1. Waiting is THE WORST and I'm convinced that HCG draws are just totally maddening anyway. Early pregnancy is not for the faint of heart!

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  3. Thank you for sharing your thoughts- I enjoy the progression of you being so happy and then going back in time with you where you are processing, worrying, and figuring it out- to where you fighting and praying because you want this more than you ever thought!

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    1. Rollercoaster for sure, thank you!

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  4. So sad to re-live this time. Glad I know the outcome!

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    1. Me, too! Seems like a long time ago now, doesn't it?

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    2. Yes, to me it feels like you should be giving birth any day now because it seems like you've been pregnant forever :-P

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  5. I think being a PT doesn't help. I'm also a PT and like to scare myself with endless scenarios that "that one patient had"

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