Moms Make it Work: Piper | Full Time Working Mom in Austin

Today on the Moms Make it Work series is Piper, a long-time reader of this blog who wanted to share her perspective as a working mom. This was one of those posts whereI found myself nodding my head and saying 'yep' in response to many of her paragraphs. I want to post a few of her sayings all around my house, such as 'loosen the noose' that we tend to place around our own necks with super-high/impossible standards. And I love her sentiment that sure, we can do it all....but just not all at once. Yes. Exactly, Piper. Loved this post and hope you do, too. Enjoy!

thanks so much to julia for inviting me to participate in this series! i've been reading julia's blog since shortly after truman was born :). like lots of ladies, i've grappled with all this mommy stuff since before i even got pregnant, so it's been really cathartic to read everyone's different takes and try to articulate my own, for whatever that's worth. i'm a mostly-regular blogger at thefamilybrowne.blogspot.com and can be found sporadically instagramming @piper6 and of course on pinterest @piperleah. also, i don't like using capital letters when i write for fun, so i hope that's not too distracting :).

-What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And where are you now?

i grew up in south louisiana and headed east (and north) to DC for college. i got my undergrad in communications (concentration in film) and literature, so of course i didn't have a job out of school. i graduated in 2003 during the first "recession", so instead of moving to new york as i originally planned, i threw my mattress and clothes into the back of my old ford explorer and headed west (and south). i knew i wanted to be closer to family, but not necessarily in the deep south again, so i rolled into austin and it stuck! from a career perspective, in the 11 years since i've been here, i've been a waitress, a telesales gal, a teacher, an account executive, and (mostly) a marketer. during my sales days at a certain tech/fruit company, i went to business school at the university of texas and graduated with my MBA in 2010. since the decision to go to graduate school in 2007, i've been on the pretty straight-and-narrow "business" path, and austin has a great tech job community, so i've been a "technology marketer" for the better part of a decade (and for lack of better descriptive words around what i actually do everyday...). 

from a personal perspective, i met my husband justin in 2005 while i was still teaching. he had moved to austin that day because it was "the best city in the country for singles", and we were both acting as wingmen for some friends (who are now happily married to different people). he proposed in early 2007 and we got hitched officially in october of 2007, a month after i started business school. 

i got pregnant unexpectedly and had a miscarriage/ectopic pregnancy in july of 2009, which bumped up my desire to have a child to much sooner than my original "master life plan". we were planning to wait until after i finished the MBA regardless, but lo and behold i got knocked up again in february of 2010. i finished finals the same day as my first trimester ended and gave birth to an amazing baby girl, emme kay, in early november. emme was a total sucker baby - so easy and fun and verbal and a great eater/sleeper to boot - so we decided to try it all over again. i gave birth to our baby boy hollis taylor in early january of 2013. we've lived in three different houses in this town, but our current domicile in central austin is where we'll (hopefully) be for a while...

-What are the best parts of your situations? What are the challenges?

as with everything, there's good and bad in it all, and i can evaluate a "feature" of my life as a benefit or a detraction on any given day. ha. in general, i like that i am an equal contributor to our income and that my kids (especially my daughter) see that i am ambitious from a career perspective. i like the feeling of being in control, and knowing that i am a strong income-earner really helps with that. i like that our dual-income affords us the opportunity to put money away for the kids' school, to go on vacations, to eat dinner out when we're too tired to get in the kitchen, to live in the expensive city we live in. i love that justin and i are truly in the trenches together - we can relate to each other's struggles and successes because our days are fairly similar in that office-job kind of way. 

but, of course, there is a lot that is really hard. i think the biggest challenge for me, personally, is never feeling like i'm 100% anything. at work, i think about the kids constantly, worry that i'm not doing enough, being enough for them. i put pressure on myself to make them "feel" like i'm a SAHM - i don't want them to ever think that my career comes before them. but then of course, at home i worry about if i'm working hard enough, progressing fast enough, making an impact in the right ways. also, as much as the equal-contributor-to-household-income thing is a bond, there are some things that justin just doesn't experience the same way i do. the corporate world is tough, and as much as we'd all like to ignore it, it's super tough being a woman in corporate america. i try not to apologize for putting my family first, but i also know it's likely "hindering" my career in some ways because i'm not willing to make certain sacrifices (like number of hours spent in the office). and let's not even get into the challenge of finding "me" time or "couple" time. 

-Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids? i always expected to keep working. when i decided to get my MBA, especially from a "top tier" school, it became pretty much a given that i'd keep my career, at least until i'm done paying off my student loans in 2040. ha. what i did not expect was how much i would adore my children and struggle with not being present every moment of their lives. i didn't expect the guilt, the constant mommy-war onslaught of information and studies and articles. i expected to question my decisions, but to carefully evaluate our choices/path and then to feel confident once that path was chosen. i did not expect for the only constant to be change and to never feel 100% confident about anything. 

-Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is? yes and no. though i'm not 100% confident in all our choices (a fact that has much more to do with my nature than with anything else, i think), i do think we've got an amazing life and a fairly cushy situation. if the world were truly perfect, i would love to work 3-4 days a week, or from 9-3 every day instead of 8-5. i'd love it if family were close by or in the same city, at least for things like days when the kids are sick, but really for the overall support and feeling of community. i'd also really love it if austin weren't considered the most expensive city to raise children in the country, but i don't have any control over that. fundamentally, i think we've got it really really good and i'm incredibly grateful for our lives.

-Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years? Or is this current set up staying put for the long haul? i could definitely see me switching companies or doing something in a different industry, but the overall setup is our long haul plan. although i tell my husband all the time that i'm retiring at 40 :).

-Tips on how you make your situation work for you: i'm not great at this, honestly, but my best tip is one that my mom gives me ALL THE TIME: loosen the noose. as in, the noose you put around your own neck. for me, i have ridiculous standards around everything. i want to be polished and a star performer at work and still have home-cooked, pinterest-worthy meals on the table every night. i want to hand make my kids' halloween costumes but also have floors that are void of dog hair. i want to have recurring, fabulous date nights but also train for a half marathon. i'm working hard to realize that we can do all.the.things but maybe not all.at.once. so, take the pressure off and just try try try to be present and enamored with how fast and overwhelming and beautiful each day is, however trite and difficult that is. 

-How do you handle mommy guilt? truthfully, i martyr myself. so, don't follow my example, because it's not the way to be. i don't do a whole heck of a lot for myself and yet i still feel guilty all the time (see above re: ridiculous pressure on myself). when it overwhelms me, the thing that helps the most is to just stop. i either go for a walk or get in the shower or try to just sit down for a minute and make an objective analysis of my kidlets. are they healthy? happy?  do they feel loved and supported and seem delighted by life and the world and their place in it? the answer is a resounding yes, and that is more important than whether their dinner was shareable on social media. 

-Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying at home is the right choice? i think for a lot of moms, this is not a choice at all. so i think step one is to be so so grateful that this is even a dilemma you can ponder. and then, give yourself time to breathe through it. nothing is permanent and life changes in ways we cannot imagine all the time. when you have your first child, it can be the most enormous thing ever. and each moment feels like that is THE status quo for the rest of eternity. especially when things are tough and/or emotionally draining (like making work/childcare decisions). but the reality is that kids are super resilient and they will form healthy attachments and they will love you and thrive as long as you're loving them. and you can always change your mind - it may be difficult, unpleasant, uncomfortable...but there is always a different choice if you want to make it. 

-How do meals work in your family? Meal planning? How often do you grocery shop? Who is in charge of this task in your family??

we are getting better at this (some weeks). i meal plan every weekend and usually grocery shop and try to prep on sundays. we are super good at feeding the kids healthy, well-rounded meals for the vast majority of what they eat...sadly, not as consistent on the adult front, especially for lunches. i tackle most of the weekday eating endeavors, but my husband absolutely jumps in and preps kid lunches, cleans the kitchen, makes our fancy weekend meals (he's a much better gourmet than i am), etc. we do eat out more than we'd like - almost all weekday adult lunches, and then 1-2 weekend meals. the kids both still nap, so sometimes i can squeeze in groceries while they're sleeping, which is ideal. if not, emme loves going to the grocery store with me, so that can be some fun one-on-one time for us. 

-How do you keep your house clean? Power cleaning after bedtime? Staying out of the house as much as possible? Cleaning while kids are awake? Purging often? Cleaning schedule? oh, the elusive clean house. we have a housekeeper every other week that saves my life. we gave it a go without one for 4-5 months earlier this year (right after we bought and moved into a new home), but it was too much. our house was never all clean at one time, and i felt like i was constantly stressed about when cleaning was going to happen. so, the housekeeper changes sheets (i do all the laundry, but putting sheets on a bed makes me irate. hey, we all have our things...), scrubs toilets/tubs/etc., mops floors, and dusts. but for the most part, we try to just stay on top of it daily as much as possible. since we do have two massive, super sheddy mutts, i vacuum the floors 3-4 days/week. we cloth-diapered both kids, so laundry has been pretty much a constant part of my evenings for the past almost-4 years. we try to engage the kids in the cleaning process to varying degrees of success. we are lucky that it's lovely in austin roughly 9 months of the year (the other three are stupid hot, but even with that the kids don't mind it much), so it's easy to just let them twirl in the yard, go for wagon walks, have sandbox time, etc. but the biggest thing is just trying not to have such rigid definitions of what things have to look like, as long as most members of the family are reasonably happy. 

thanks again, julia, for the opportunity to think about all this stuff, read and write about it. i don't think anything about my situation is earth-shattering, but if it helps anyone to hear someone else's journey, then that's all that matters!

{Thank you, Piper! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}

Moms Make it Work: Lisa | Part-Time Working Mom and Grad Student

Today on the Moms Make it Work series is Lisa, a mom who works part time as a preschool teacher, is going to graduate school part time, and whose husband is a resident in Emergency Medicine. But Lisa doesn't glorify her 'busy' and manages to stay positive and upbeat despite crazy schedules. Love that she has a great support network and is a slave to her calendar. I totally get it, girl! Enjoy.

Hello all!  I am Lisa and I am a part time preschool teacher, part time graduate student, and mom to Teddy (20 months).  My husband is a resident in Emergency Medicine, which means he works a lot and crazy hours. We also have two big crazy lab mixes.  

-What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And where are you now?

I left the Midwest to attend a small college in New England, which is where I met my husband, and I majored in geology.  While I enjoy learning about geology and science, I realized right around senior year my real interest was child development.  After graduation my husband (then boyfriend) and I moved to Boston for his job and I worked a few different education-related jobs.  After a couple years we got married and moved to St. Louis for him to attend medical school. I wanted to go to grad school while he was in med school, but they didn’t have a program that fit with my interest in St. Louis, so I worked as a nanny through most of med school.  We had Teddy during my husband’s fourth year of med school.  He matched into an emergency medicine program in Ohio.  I was a stay at home mom for a year, but then I looked and the university here has an education program that fits exactly in line with my interests.  I applied to grad school when my son was 9 months old and started right after he turned 1.  I am now in grad school studying child development with a focus on early childhood education and science and environmental education.  This is not at all what I thought I would be doing, but I am living it. In March I started working part time at a preschool run by the Education department.  I am now doing that as a Graduate Assistantship 16 hours a week.  A SAHM I met through my MOPS group watches Teddy while I’m at work.  That situation has been wonderful for us because she is flexible about my husband’s schedule.

My husband’s schedule is kind of crazy.  Some months, like August, he is working in an ICU where he is on a regular 6am to 6pm schedule (roughly).  On ICU months he gets maybe 5 days off spread randomly throughout the month, but might have to work 14 days in a row.  Normal months he is in the emergency department, which is shift work.  Every day can be a different shift including evening or night shifts.  He generally will do a week of nights at a time.  This was an adjustment at first, but we adapted to it really well and finding a strong support network and babysitting network has been key to making this work.    

In addition to work and school, I have a few extracurricular activities I’m involved in.  I play bassoon in a community orchestra. I have a leadership role in my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group this year.  I am also in charge of organizing local alumni interviews this year for my college.  I’m trying to figure out balancing all of these roles and their meetings with our home life, work, and school.  With my husband’s schedule most of the household management is my responsibility, although he helps out when he has time and with specific tasks depending on his rotations.

-What are the best parts of your situations? What are the challenges?

I am really very happy in where we are with are life right now.  When my husband was in medical school I think I was in a holding pattern in my life in some ways.  I think motherhood motivated me to go after a dream I had dropped a while ago.  We love where we are physically, our new city is fabulous.  We moved away from family for residency, but we have made some really great friends and found a wonderful support network.  I have a good network of babysitters I can rely on, which is key when I have things going on and my husband is working all the time.

I love what I am doing and all of my different roles.  My grad school program is amazing and new oppurtunities keep popping up.  I may be applying to the phD program soon.  My role at work has expanded some, which is fun and keeps things exciting.  

The challenges: The weeks where I have to solo parent because my husband works 14 hour days and doesn’t get to see our son.  When I’m working there are times where we are ships passing in the night.  It can get a little crazy when husband’s schedule is constantly changing and we don’t remember who is doing what or going where or when he is sleeping.  Trying to squeeze my school work in is a big challenge.  I have overloaded myself a bit this year perhaps as I tend to do. I have a lot of balls to juggle all while trying to spend quality time with Teddy in the mornings when I’m home with him.   

Finding time to take care of myself can be a challenge.  I am not someone who loves to cook, that is more my husband.  When he isn’t around that is hard for me, I often end up eating cereal or avocado toast with an egg.  

-Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?

I don’t think so, I expected to stay home or maybe just work part time or be a mommy nanny.  Grad school wasn’t planned for this stage of my life and just kind of happened.  I was just browsing to see what the education department had and this was just such a perfect fit that I felt I had to to it.  

-Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?

I really like my work life balance at this point.  I like working part time, but having time to get to do play dates and participate in SAHM activities as well.  My mom and her husband plan to move to the city we settle in after residency and I think that will make things a lot easier.  Having grandparents nearby would make leaving town for a weekend or going out on a date so much easier with dog and kid sitting.  Also in a few years my husband will be done with residency and we will (eventually) have less debt hanging over us.  There will also be another baby in the next couple of years.  

-Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years? Or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?

I need to make a decision if I am going to finish the Masters degree or possibily continue with the PhD program.  Right now it looks like I will be applying the the PhD program and we are talking about what that looks like for our family.

-Tips on how you make your situation work for you:

I am a slave to the calendar, in fact I use two.  We use google calendar as a family.  My husband puts his work schedule on one calendar so I always know when he will be working.  I have a calendar for our sitter, one for work, one for school, and a personal one for my husband and me.  It looks insane when I open the calendar on my phone.  Each week we have a meeting to go over the schedule for the week and I put everything in my planner calendar on paper.  I then write in suggestions for myself like ‘go to the gym’ or possible activities for Teddy.  Our little meeting is like 5 minutes on the couch just to go over when my husband will be working and sleeping, who is picking our son up, when we need additional babysitters and planning any fun things for days off.  

-We have Teddy on a pretty reliable schedule even though our lives are kind of chaotic at times. Get up, breakfast, leave and go somewhere (or play in yard), lunch, nap, play at home, dinner, bath, bed.  That way he knows what to expect. I think it is very important for him to have a routine. There are days we vary this and take him to a party or something, but i think it’s important with Dada sleeping weird hours to keep Teddy on schedule.

-How do you handle mommy guilt?

This is something I have only started to experience in the past few weeks as I have been busier and busier with work/school.  I would also add to it wife guilt.  There are days where I need to stay at the university to work or go in early and I feel bad, but most of the time when I do that Teddy is with my husband.  They often are having fun and I feel bummed that I’m missing out on that time.  It has been a transition for our family the way our roles have shifted a bit.  My husband is great and super supportive, I just feel guilty sometimes that I haven’t done the laundry/cleaned the house/dishes, etc.

-Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying at home is the right choice?

Take your time, spend that time with your little one.  I spent 15 months at home and it was wonderful. At the end of that time, I was ready to go back, but I don’t think I would have been before that.  Also really examine child care options.  When we first moved here, we looked at the daycares around us and were not pleased with the infant care at them. I am extra particular because I am in early childhood education, but quality care in the early years really makes an impact.  Look for teachers interacting/talking with babies and lots of free play outside of baby holders.

-How do meals work in your family? Meal planning? How often do you grocery shop? Who is in charge of this task in your family??

That is so hard for us.  I try to meal plan occasionally.  I don’t really like to cook most nights.  I like to cook large batches of stuff once a month or every few months.  My husband normally cooks if we are both home.  It’s really hard when it is just me to want to cook.  My son is in this super picky phase, so he won’t eat most of what we cook anyways.  I make a lot of really simple things, like english muffins with eggs, pb&j, veggie burgers, or something I’ve frozen.  I grocery shop about once a week and go to costco every other week.  

-How do you keep your house clean? Power cleaning after bedtime? Staying out of the house as much as possible? Cleaning while kids are awake? Purging often? Cleaning schedule?

I clean a lot when Teddy is awake, especially vacuuming.  We vacuum a lot with the dogs.  I load and run dishes at night and empty it every morning.  I also clean up the toys every night.  I don’t keep all his toys out and I am also picky about toys.  I rotate his toys and books fairly regularly.  Everything else I tend to clean when I have time or power clean before I have company.  It’s a great cleaning motivator.  My mom comes to town regularly and I like to have people over.  

{Thanks, Lisa! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}

Moms Make it Work: Caitlin | Full Time Working Mom to Two, One with Special Needs

Today on the Moms Make it Work series is Caitlin, a mom that works full time in Minnesota. Caitlin has two children and her daughter has special needs, and combined with job loss for both her and her husband in the past year makes for a good amount of challenges! But Caitlin has a wonderful attitude and seems to take everything in stride, making the most out of her situation as it changes over time. Enjoy her post!

Hi!  I'm Caitlin.  I blog sporadically and also post on Instagram as caits310. You can email me at caits310@gmail.com with any questions.

I can't remember how I found Julia's blog, but I'm so glad I did. I think it was through Day in the Life one season, and I've been following along ever since.  She's so down to earth, and I love her decorating and craftiness!  I wish I lived in Milwaukee... but enough gushing about Julia ;-)  Onward about our story.

I've been wanting to share my story for a while now and this seems like the perfect outlet; however, I don't know how to tell it so it's not 10 years long with too much detail or ends up being too short with no detail. Ergh. I'll try to just answer the questions, but we'll see... 

-What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And where are you now?

My family lives in Minnesota, about 90 miles away from the Twin Cities area.  I have a bachelor's degree and an associates degree. Most people do their associates and then transfer into a bachelor's program but I did it backwards. I got my bachelor's degree and then went back to school to get my associates degree in something I could actually get a job in.  I currently work full time doing word processing/transcription and work with the electronic health record. My husband, JT, is currently working as the tax program advisor for a local nonprofit organization.  Also, he's going to school full time!  So that means four nights a week he's in class while I do the evening with the kiddos.  We've been married since 2008 and have two kids, an almost 3-year-old daughter with special needs and an 8-month-old son - Audrey and Nicholas.  

My daughter has a chromosomal deletion of her CASK gene on her X chromosome.  What does this mean?  We don't have a lot of information about it but so far we know that it causes global developmental delays, microcephaly, decreased muscle tone, and slow growth.  I feel like in a lot of ways it looks like CP but at the same time completely opposite.  Right now, Audrey can't walk and doesn't reciprocal crawl but kind of does a bunny hop with both legs together.  She has trouble with feeding herself but is getting better and can't communicate or express her needs very well.  She doesn't talk but does make sounds and is starting to get out the words mom and dad but not in appropriate context yet.  

When Audrey was born, we didn't know anything.  We were first time parents, just trying to figure out what it meant to be parents.  I tried to breastfeed her but her latch just was never good enough.  Looking back, that should have been our first indication that something was off, but it wasn't.  I didn't know any better.  I didn't know what she was supposed to be doing or not doing so maybe we didn't find out as soon as we could have. Around the time of her 2-month checkup, the doctor noticed her head size wasn't growing as much as it should have been and so began the tests.  We started with x-rays, a CT scan, an MRI, and eventually genetic testing of her blood and mine and my husband's.  Turns out she had the deletion on her X chromosome but also a duplication on the 11th (I think) the same as my husband. It took me awhile to digest all of this and to realize that Audrey would never be like the other kids her age.  

 Eventually we realized we needed extra help and got set up with Early Intervention through the school district where we had occupational therapy, physical therapy, and a special education teacher come into our home to work with Audrey.  After about a year of sporadic visits from the school district people, we decided to really step it up and got involved with Pediatric Therapy Services in town.  The therapists are all super great working with Audrey and specialize in kiddos, so it's really helpful to find out what things to work on with her at home.  At PTS we have an OT, a PT, and a speech therapist who work with Audrey every single week.  Since Audrey is almost 3, this year she got to start preschool (before her birthday!!).  They really pushed us putting her into the classroom because at age 3 the therapists from the school wouldn't be able to come into the home anymore.  I was really worried about preschool but she loves it so far and is doing really great.  I had the chance to observe the first day of class and she gets all the one-on-one attention that she needs as well as the group attention and experience that she needs as well.  

When I was pregnant with my son, I was completely scared that he would have the same kind of genetic abnormality as Audrey.  I was so worried that I even thought about having an amniocentesis done to find out but since there was less than 1% chance that it would happen again, I didn't go through with it.  So far, Nicholas is a "normal" developing baby, even early on some things, like moving, but he's only 8 months old so who knows what the future will bring us? Now if that wasn't stressful enough by itself, when I was something like 11-12 weeks pregnant, JT was let go from his job.  He hated the job itself but it paid well and we were just trying to hold on until he finished school.  I guess there were other plans in the cards for us.  He stayed home most of that summer, eventually landing a seasonal position as tax program advisor, so he'll get experience and get to use what he's learning in school.  The pay isn't as good and there are no benefits but in the long run, it will help.  Shortly before Nicholas was born, two months I think, I found out that my department was being completely eliminated and all of our work was being outsourced.  What a blow! At 8 months pregnant, no one was going to hire me so I just kind of looked at it as being forced to take an extended maternity leave with no pay or benefits.  It's been a rough year or so but things are starting to look up.  I just started my job in July and we're trying to get into a good routine with every day. 

-What are the best parts of your situations? What are the challenges?

The best parts of my situation are my kiddos, seriously.  They are so much fun to hang out with and to watch them interact, when I don't have to intervene with the face scratching, is so cute. We are also awesomely blessed to have my parents live in town and watch our kids pretty much whenever we want.  They've watched Audrey since she was 12 weeks old and have really helped out with taking her to therapy appointments and working with her every day at home.  If she were in a traditional daycare setting I don't think she would have gotten nearly as much attention as she needs.  Also, watching Nicholas grow up is really fun.  He's starting to stand and to climb up things... things that Audrey still isn't doing, so it's really an eye opener for us!!

This is going to make me sound awful, but honestly the challenge is Audrey.  It's hard to realize that she's always going to need the extra help and will never be the same developmentally as other kids her age, though she looks like a normal 2 year old kid, she acts more like a delayed 12 month old.  Audrey is great, super sweet, and loves to cuddle but at the same time it's really frustrating (for her and for me) that she can't just tell me what she wants or needs, so the crying and tantrums are extra hard to deal with.  I'm also mourning the thought of not having a "normal" mother-daughter relationship with her as she grows older, where we can be best friends as well.  I really don't know what she'll be like as she gets older and hopefully we can still do the "normal" mom-daughter stuff, but I just don't know. 

-Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?

No. Not at all.  I never once in my life expected that I would have a special needs kiddo. Not once did I think about it.  Audrey is so awesome, I can't stress that enough, but it's seriously rough on my mental state.  I was heading in the direction of depression and anxiety before she was born and man did this push my anxiety over the edge.  The only time I ever really thought about kids before I had them was when I figured we'd have two or three normal, active kids and we'd be running around to work and activities just like every one else.

-Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?

My ideal situation would be to stay home with my kids and to be "a 1950's housewife."  If my extended "maternity leave" taught me anything it's how much I need to have a daily schedule but I think I could make it work if I wanted to.  I would love to stay home and be the one to help Audrey with learning and doing extra things as well as seeing Nicholas explore and learn to walk/talk.

-Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years? Or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?

Pretty much as soon as JT graduates we plan on moving wherever he gets a nice, well-paying job. :-)  I would love to do the stay at home mom thing once we do this or at the very least, work just while my kids are in school so I can be home with them the rest of the time. If we stay in this town, I'll plan on staying with this job because it's a good one and I enjoy it enough ;-)

-Tips on how you make your situation work for you:

Help from grandma and grandpa.  If they didn't run my kids around, we'd be totally out of luck.  Plus, I try not to worry about the housekeeping and that kind of thing that much.  What gets done gets done and what doesn't, doesn't.  I like to spend the time with my kids instead of trying to do too much while they're awake/in the middle of things. My hubby does a lot when he's home too.  He gets Audrey up and ready for school every morning and will even let me sleep in sometimes. :-)

-How do you handle mommy guilt?

I really don't.  I need all the help I can get! 

-Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying at home is the right choice?

This is such a tough decision.  I didn't have the choice because financially speaking there's no way I could stay home. But as others have said, try it for a while and you'll know, either it will be fine to go to work and be a working mama or it won't be and you'll know that you need to stay home. Trust your gut!  If it doesn't work out either way, you can always try something else. Maybe part time?  

-How do meals work in your family? Meal planning? How often do you grocery shop? Who is in charge of this task in your family??

I'm in charge of this. My husband doesn't cook, though occasionally he will grill or try something he read in a magazine.  I love to cook and bake and be in the kitchen but I haven't had much energy or motivation to do so since before I was pregnant with Nicholas... needless to say, we eat out more than we should.  I am a huge fan of ordering sandwiches so Jersey Mike's, Erberts and Gerberts, and Jimmy Johns are my friends.  Seriously though, I'm trying to get back to a dinner time routine with the planning of meals and such.  I've been using 5dinnersin1hour.com and that's pretty interesting.  Grocery shopping is one of my favorite things to do and I'd much rather do it by myself than drag the husband and kiddos, that way I can browse and try things I wouldn't when the family was along.  Plus, too many impulse purchases happen when JT is along :-) 

-How do you keep your house clean? Power cleaning after bedtime? Staying out of the house as much as possible? Cleaning while kids are awake? Purging often? Cleaning schedule?

I don't clean much... usually only if it REALLY needs it or someone is coming over to visit.  I live in chaos most of the time because I find it hard to find the time/energy to pick up.  I do notice that it's so much nicer to live in a clean, well organized house, but it just gets pushed aside for the more fun things of actually making the mess! If I am ever able I will definitely hire out cleaning chores! A housekeeper would be the best idea for my family! 

Thanks Julia, for letting me be a part of this awesome series!! 

 

{Thank you, Caitlin! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}

Moms Make it Work: Erin | Work from Home Farming Mom in Canada

Today on the Moms Make it Work series, Erin tells us about her life as a Canadian farmer. This is another reason that I love this series---because how cool is it to peek into the life of a mom in a different country, working at a completely different kind of job than my own. I hope you all enjoy this one as much as I did, whether you can personally relate to Erin's story or not!



Hi everybody! I’ve really enjoyed reading all of the stories in this series, and hope you enjoy reading mine.

My name is Erin, I am 31 years old, and I live with my husband Ryan and our daughter, G, on a farm in the province of Québec, Canada. Although we’re in Québec (which is francophone), we are very close to Ottawa (anglo!), which is a city of almost a million. My husband is finishing a PhD in Geography and moving on to a PostDoc in the new year, and while we both share in the work of the farm and raising our girl, I am the “main farmer”, and the main caregiver for our daughter.


We’re a bit camera shy…Here we are taking a peek at our flock of Icelandic sheep.

-What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And where are you now?

I grew up on a farm in Alberta but left home to see the world and get an education. In 2007 after some traveling and some schooling, I got my BA in Canadian Studies (for me this meant a mix of Women’s Studies, History, Politics, and Environmental Studies) at a small university north of Toronto. My husband and I met there in 2003 and have been together ever since. We got married this past December on our 10-year anniversary.

For a few years after my degree, I worked in government and the non-profit sector. I enjoyed many aspects of having a more typical employment situation – the regular pay, semi-regular hours, having colleagues and working on issues that are really important to me – things like poverty and inequality, food security and sustainable agriculture. But like many others in the non-profit sector, I was burning out incredibly quickly, in the last year of my employment I was constantly stressed out and itching to leave. All throughout my time living in the city, I kept in touch with my farming childhood by working casually/seasonally on different types of farms (often in exchange for food!)

We knew we wanted to start a family, and when my daughter was born in the summer of 2012, I began my year of maternity leave excited about the change of pace, with an open heart for motherhood, and with a determination to NOT return to typical out-of-the-home employment – if we could manage it financially. We get 50 weeks of paid parental leave in Canada (and in Québec, my husband also gets 4 additional weeks of paid leave, supposedly to encourage bonding between the second partner and the baby). During my mat leave, I took the opportunity to plan how I could generate an income for myself from our farm, and I prepared to go from having a farm just-for-us to a farm that actually pays some bills.


Trying out an antique tractor at the fair

Today, we have a small organic farm where we raise sheep for meat and wool, and pastured pork (these are the commercial aspects of our farm), as well as chickens for our own meat and eggs, a cow and calf for our own milk, and a big garden for our own vegetables. It is a thriving small farm and I am making a small income for myself, producing the majority of our own food, and keeping our daughter at home. In the future when our daughter (and hopefully, a sibling or two) are school-age, I’d like to grow our farm big enough to generate a full-time income for myself. I always wanted to be able to stay at home with my kids, and I’m a real homebody – so home on the farm truly is where I want to be.

-Tips on how you make your situation work for you:

Overall, our situation really works well for us. I don’t like living in the city and my husband can’t be too far away from it. We both like our work – mine in the home and on the farm, and his in academia – and enjoy having different things to do at different parts of the day/week/year. For sure, this kind of setup relies on us both being equally committed to our lifestyle and our work and family choices. We’re on the same page, we’re willing to change if things get un-workable, and we’re committed to helping one another reach our own personal goals, as well as our family goals. And, we talk about these things a lot.

So this is what the day-to-day usually looks like for us:

Springtime swimming lessons…

In the mornings, I head out to do the chores while my husband gets my daughter up and ready for the day, and makes breakfast. Milking, feeding the animals, checking the sheep, letting the chickens out, and taking the cow and calf out to pasture take me an hour or more. My husband filters the morning’s milk and does the milk dishes. Generally when I get back in from chores there is breakfast (mmm, eggs!) almost on the table and a clean or semi-clean kitchen to start the day. My daughter has a bit of cartoon time in the mornings. If my husband has to go to town to work for the day, this all just happens earlier.

After breakfast he will head to his office (in our home) to work for the day, and I will switch to mama-mode for much of the day. In the mornings me and G hang out, do a grocery run or errands in town and make a stop at the playground, spend some time in the garden, walk to the creek to throw rocks and look for berries - and always, every day, the sandbox. My daughter is an amazing napper (thank goodness!), and on most days I take advantage of her 3-hour nap to work in the garden or do some farm work. My husband working from home on some days is essential to this, because he is there in the house if she wakes up. But, on days when he has to go to town, I use that time to get stuff done in the house and yard where the baby monitor is in range. This is also very seasonal – in the winter, those few hours are for stuff in the house – I do a lot of our marketing/advertising, networking, learning, and reading for our farm in the winter. And baking….and sewing…and having a clean(er) house…and now and then being just plain, gloriously, lazy!


An autumn walk in the field.

In the early evening, my husband will finish his work for the day, and we will tag-team everything from that point on. If the weather isn’t horrible, we’ll take our daughter out with us to do the evening chores. As she is getting older it’s been easier and easier to have her tag along while we’re working outside, and, she likes being with us and feels proud of being our helper. We split up all of those miscellaneous things that get left to 5pm…the load of laundry that never did make it to the dryer or the clothesline, getting supper picked and planned and on the stove, or an extra little farm task that really needs attention. If one of us is away for the evening, the other one just makes it work, doing the most important things and leaving the rest for another time. On days when we both have in-town commitments, we’ll either bring our daughter with us (like, for a sports team, if its nice out), or drop her off at her Auntie’s or Grandparents’ house for the evening. While I was still nursing, my husband would do bathtime, and I’d do bedtime, but now that she’s fully weaned we switch off bath and bedtime – whoever didn’t get much time with her in the day will do the majority of the bed-and-bath routine. (Or, whoever can’t bear the thought of cleaning the kitchen gets to do bedtime.)


Friends helping to make hay, and a successful climb to the top!

We try to plan the big farm jobs – things like making hay, sheep-handling days, fixing fence, big garden projects, building things, and fixing the many things that break – for the weekends when we can get friends and family to help and babysit. But this doesn’t always work out (like the time I broke my haybine before I even started cutting hay and had to call the hubby down to help me fix it….after a sheepish phone call to my dad, 3 hours of filing and hammering and grinding, and a lot of grease all over everything, I was up and running, but he was stuck with our by-now awake daughter and a work day that had never really got started...)

With a farm and a garden, what keeps me busy changes a lot throughout the year. In the spring, we are preparing and planting the garden. The sheep get shorn. They need a lot of care as they get ready to lamb and in lambing season it’s around the clock periodic checks and the odd assist. The new lambs, though, are a joy to watch. Once the lambs are all on their feet and the grass is growing well, all of our grazing animals go out to pasture, and for the rest of the warm season they will be moved every 3-5 days to fresh grass. We get our pigs as weaned piglets in the late spring and throughout the season they eat more, and more, and more… A few times in the summer we make hay: cut at the beginning of a sunny stretch, then a few days later bale, haul to the barn, and stack. A big, fun job out in the sun but also really stressful wondering if the dry weather will hold. The summer also means lots of time in the garden: weeding, mulching, harvesting, preserving veggies for the winter to come. In the fall this reaches a frenetic pace, and almost every day includes a batch of salsa in jars, a haul of onions set to dry, or a batch of veggies blanched and into the deep freeze. At this point we’ll wean the lambs and the sheep are shorn again. In late fall the pigs and the meat lambs (those who have not “made the roster for the season”) are sent to the butcher. Customers come to the farm to pick up their meat orders and all of the remaining animals come back to the barn for the winter. The winter is quiet. Everybody is close to the house and easy to watch. We’re feeding hay stockpiled in the loft, so chores are a bit easier. All throughout the year there is milking, and making cheese and yogurt, keeping the chickens happy and fed and clean, and eating all of those glorious eggs.

My husband’s schedule changes a lot through the year, too. Being in the academic world, he may have a semester with lots of teaching or no teaching at all and lots of research, or he may have a few conferences all back to back and out of town. There are stressful times and much more normal-paced times, it all just depends on where things are at with his various projects and commitments.


We’re working in the barn…and she’s getting stuck in a bucket.

-What are the best parts of your situations? What are the challenges?

Well, let’s start with the challenges. One of the biggest ones is that with a farm, it’s hard to ever leave! We have animals that need to be cared for 365 days a year. Sometimes we do get friends to stay for the weekend so we can leave, but it’s not easy, they need to be trained, and if a problem occurred while they were here it could be a disaster. So, we rarely leave. The spring/summer/fall is amazing and beautiful, but it is so much work. I’m often so tired at the end of the day that I’m ready for bed as soon as my daughter goes to bed. If my husband is having a particularly stressful or busy period with his work, or if he’s away for a few days and I’m in the middle of a busy time with the farm, it can be quite hard. And it’s also challenging to juggle a toddler and the occasional farm emergency – like the time I had to lock my toddler with an iPhone in a little lambing pen while I helped sick lamb. My daughter was technically happy with the iPhone, but I do not feel good about hypnotizing her with technology – you can’t predict those situations and you just have to deal with it when it happens. Another challenge is that we’re not in a real farming area (with farm stores and machinery stores and people who make their own feed), and my family is scattered across the country. Farm ‘situations’ are really way easier to deal with when you are surrounded by other farm families (ideally, your own). But, having a super-supportive family and an amazing group of friends really makes everything a lot easier. Even if they can’t always be there to haul in the hay with us, knowing that they’re on our side and pulling for us makes the challenges a lot easier...and often, more fun!


Throwing rocks in the creek, but really, I’m trying to go check the sheep with my little helper.

The best part of our situation is that we’re living a life that we love. I am so happy to have my daughter at home with us and my husband working from home quite frequently, it’s wonderful how much time we both get to spend as a family and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. My husband is pursuing a career that he loves, and I love our little farm. I am truly grateful to be back on the farm and I love being able to share those values with my family. I also love feeling that direct connection between my work every day and the food that we – and others – get to eat. I feel great that my daughter knows which berries are good to eat and which ones she should ask about, that she calls her milk “Fanny Milk” (the name of our cow), that she knows that eggs come from the chickens and that she tries to pick the weeds growing in the driveway (“Mama I’m weedin!”). Sharing these tiny experiences with her are invaluable and precious.

-Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?

I guess I always hoped that I would be able to find a way to stay at home with my kids and have a farm, so yes, basically this is what I wanted pre-kids. Having my daughter was the incentive to truly live the life that I believe in.

-Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?

We are pretty close! I feel so, so grateful for my family and the life that we have. Ideally, I think we would be co-farming with another family. That would ease a lot of the vulnerabilities and stresses, allow us to get away once in awhile, and allow us to scale up significantly. Plus, it would be nice if there were other kids nearby, since we aren’t within walking distance of any other kids. These are things that we will look to do in the future. Also, ideally my husband would have a permanent job – he’s so far been paid to do all of his schooling, but it’s always 2 years of funding here, a 4 year grant there – which can make long-term financial security quite stressful. He’s just not quite there yet in terms of his career track. It will come with time, and will mean a big transition (and very likely a move), but that will ease a lot of financial planning worries.


On a walk when G was still tiny!

-Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years? Or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?

I do not forsee changing this lifestyle, but if things stop working for whatever reason, then of course, we’ll go with the flow. If I need to take on more work, or get a job in town, I will. If we need to move to a city for awhile, we will. But in the long run, this is the place and the life for us.

-How do meals work in your family?

My husband and I share the cooking pretty equally. Things are super-easy when I meal plan, but I only do that about 1 week per month. I just can’t get it together to do it on a regular basis. In the summer I meal-plan for the day based around what’s growing in the garden. Which means some weeks we eat a lot of green beans. We grocery shop about once a week, and I stick to a list, but most of our groceries actually just come from home – the challenge is always using things when they are fresh and ready. In the winter, we love having people over for a big farm supper once a week or so and I truly love making a big Sunday feast!

-How do you keep your house clean?

Uhhh…..cleaning….First off let me say that before we had a kid and a farm, my husband and I had pretty dang clean house. These days, we have a nice and clean house in the winter, and a dirty house in the summer. I have resigned myself to that fact, although I don’t like it. Our kitchen is always clean, that is non-negotiable. We handle raw milk in there, and fresh eggs, and veggies straight from the garden. It must be cleaned. Otherwise, stuff gets tidied up every day and true cleaning happens once in a while. My daughter is responsible to pick up her toys every night, though it’s mostly me steering her from one thing to another and helping her put them away. She’s getting better at it. She’s also surprisingly good at putting things away while I vaccum. (Although I’m pretty sure she does this out of fear that I will vaccum something up, and I feel a little bit bad about using that to my advantage, but I do it anyways). Everything else we tackle when we can, which is, sadly, not that often. I actually can’t remember the last time I washed the floors. The bathrooms are on an as-needed basis. Laundry is my nemesis. I can get my daughter’s clothes washed, but my own? It ain’t pretty, folks. Ah well. Maybe we’ll find a better solution for this in the future.


My little helper, doing the dishes.

-How do you handle mommy guilt?

To be honest, I don’t really feel mommy guilt. I used to, right after my daughter was born, but as I started to gain a bit of confidence, I stopped feeling pressured to meet up to others’ expectations. The way I see it, there are a million amazing ways to raise a child and be in a family, and we’ve found one of them that works for us. Sure, I make a gazillion mistakes and I have many small regrets, but that’s just part of life. My daughter doesn’t get to do very many toddler activities, like music class or playdates, but she’s learning and growing and she’s going to be an amazing person anyway. I feel good about that, and about the choices that we’re making as a family, even though they’re different than the choices that lots of other families make.


At the lake on one of those rare hot days this past summer…

I also try to speak up and get involved in the things that matter to me and my family, although I don’t do it as much as I feel I should, or as I used to. I think that it is super important – we have the power to change our communities – and being even a tiny bit involved makes me feel a little bit better about the situations that happen in my community and my society that I don’t feel good about. So, I’m trying to get back to doing more of this kind of activist community work.

-Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying at home is the right choice?

I don’t know that I have any advice, but I will say that having family-friendly social policy (like 52 weeks of partial-pay parental leave, universal healthcare, and $8-per-day childcare available to all) really makes a lot of these decisions feel less pressurized. I really wish that everybody had access to these kinds of supports; I feel like they are good for all kids and our community(ies) as a whole.

I guess all I can say is just try to do what your heart tells you is right. Do whatever works for you! You can do it! And if you try something and it doesn’t work, you can always change it up later.

Thanks Julia for hosting this terrific series! I think it’s so great to read about how other moms are making it work.

{Thank you, Erin! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}