Attack of R-squared

Warning: this post might be completely repulsive to some readers. Actually, it's quite horrid for me as well but I just have to get it out there. I'm not sure why but it seems blog-worthy. It's possible that this story has been overly dramatized for your viewing pleasure, so don't say I didn't warn you.

Henry is a male dog. However, Henry is the most asexual, gentle, meek dog you will ever meet. He is quite literally afraid of his own shadow and practically tremors when a stranger enters the room. He has never humped an object in the three plus years of his being [although Nate claims he partially humped his pink bear doll when he was a puppy, but I cannot believe that statement.] He is not aggressive and I'm pretty sure his testosterone levels are astoundingly low because no 'alpha male' dog could be my cuddle buddy quite like Henry. Such a lover, this one.

Which is why Friday night might have scarred me for life. I shrieked and clasped my hand over my eyes multiple times in disbelief.

Henry's red rocket made it's first real appearance....not once, not twice, but at least three times that night. I will from here on out refer to this awful sight as R-squared, for 'red rocket.' I do not need to explain, do I?

My baby, my innocent little baby, let it all hang out. And why, do you ask? Why would he do this to his mother? He might has well star in an X rated doggy film because I can't look at him the same way anymore. I blame it all on his new toy: The Lamb.

You see this lamb had instantaneous power over Henry. Usually, Henry sniffs a new toy with caution before licking it to death. But with Lambie [that is his nickname, duh] Henry pounced immediately and hasn't let her out of his sight since their first encounter. He licks her, caresses her, and stares at her with adoration. Lambie is officially disgusting and full of dirty dog slobber but Henry loves her despite the caked-on filth. They have a strange love, those two.

So anyway, on Friday night we were just chilling as a family like we usually do when all of a sudden Nate and I had a fantastic idea. We were going to teach Henry how to 'roll over' just because that is one command he's never understood. We tried and tried and tried, treats were had, many gestures were made, and yet Henry refused to do the deed. He got quite frustrated with us and VOILA....out came the first R-squared.

ACK! WHATTHEHECKISTHAT, NATE? I screamed. I watched as the smile fell from Nate's face and he took two steps back from Henry. Yes, that's right....Nate literally backed away from Henry as if the R-squared could cause physical injuries. And then just as quickly as it appeared, the horrendous site vanished. Whew, we hoped it was gone forever.

But then Henry began playing with Lambie and sure enough, our eyes were forced to avert yet again.

"No, Henry. NOOOOOOOO!"

My angel! Tarnished forever. Now granted, he didn't actually do anything with the R-squared but that is probably because of his parents' high-pitched screams. Nothing like loud noises to really kill the mood, right Henry?

In any case, don't you just love when dogs use their paws as hands?



And so I ask you, dear readers....have you seen this little treat on your own male dogs? Does it disgust you like it does me? Maybe it's just because I never had to deal with something like this before. I can honestly say I've never seen his R-squared for more than a millisecond and I hoped I'd never have to deal with such a tragedy. If it starts happening more often I might grow immune to the R-squared negative reaction. I suppose I'm just in denial. I like to think of Henry as pure and incapable of anything sexual and yet, he's obviously rebelling against my authority.

I cannot wait to have kids and even better, teenagers!

Until then, Henry has lost photographic privileges and I turned to a new subject. I'm sure you won't mind:


This is a subject that will not disappoint me in life. And it cannot surprise me with an X-rated organ...and thus, it can comfort me in my time of need.

But if I'm honest, red wine lacks cuddling skills and Henry is certainly king in that sense. In fact, I think I'm over the emotional torture already.

Come here, little guy. Just keep your R-squared tucked away from now into eternity.


  1. Haha! I was so scared that you were going to show pictures of it. It really does seriously gross me out. That is the single reason that I will never have a male dog. In college, our house mom had a dog, McGregor, and his R-Squared was always out and seriously, I couldn't help but stare at me. It is horrifying. Is this the first time that you have seen Henry's? Oh man, I would take that little lamb away. I laughed out loud when you said that Nate backed away from him. Just drink your wine and try to forget.

  2. haha ... mine like to whip 'em out all the time. especially the bigger boy when he tries to sit in my lap. Keep in mind he's 80 pounds so his R squared is probably much bigger than henry's. :) and don't worry, I don't let him sit on me when his little buddy makes an appearance.

  3. First, your photos are looking incredible!
    Secondly... I remember the day I first saw Edison's R-squared (and a rabbit's is... quite a sight). Not only did I see it, but he immediately used it. Instead of a lamb, he had an elephant. It was traumatizing.
    But... we all made it through it. After much shrieking and disbelief, I came to terms with the fact that I am the (unconditional loving) mother of a rabbit, which means I witness the act daily now, and it doesn't even faze me anymore.
    Are you familiar with the phrase "@#$% like a rabbit?"
    Yeah, well... I am.

  4. OMG that was totally hilarious, you had me rolling!
    I remember when I was a kid and our boy dog's red rocket would make an appearance. I always thought it was gross. Blech!

  5. Ah yes, this was the first actual sighting of R-squared in his three years of life. I should have mentioned that---I added that piece of vital info just now. I may have caught a glimpse earlier but I tricked myself into believing it wasn't really THAT.

    And I would NEVER EVER post a picture of such horrors. I might like photography and all but I have to draw the line somewhere:)

    I'm glad I'm not the only one that is repulsed.

    Please don't hate Henry for it. He's still harmless [I think]. :) And don't be afraid of male dogs....the positives outweigh the negatives for sure!

  6. I usually just lurk but this post made me lol. I also have seen R squared on my parent's dog, and it grosses me out just as much. Still makes me laugh though!

  7. My boyfriend's parent's dog would get a "R-squared" when he would like their feet. Gross I know.. His mom would even say it was "cute" and call it the dog's "lipstick!" I yell at the Teddy and tell him to put it away, the poor pup tucks his tail between his legs and stops!

    I know I'm a lurker but thought this was a post I couldn't pass up on commenting on! I love your blog, it's great!

  8. More horrifying is if it gets stuck out. Ew. I got called in on emergency one night because one dog couldn't get it back in! We struggled with that thing for a good 30 minutes to an hour before we got it to go back. Not fun for us or the dog.

    My (neutered) male does it quite often when he has a toy he loves. Strangely, though, my other (testicle positive) boy doesn't ever do it but he will hump the air when he gets excited.

    Dogs are weird.

  9. That is another reason I will never have a dog. YUCK! My in-laws have dogs, and I saw their dogs at Christmas one year. I didn't back away in horror (although I wanted to), but seriously?! Yuck. Put it away.

    I did laugh out loud with your description of Nate though. I'm still laughing, in fact.

  10. I have never commented before Julia, but I couldn't resist. As a dog lover myself I couldn't help but laugh out loud at this post. I remember a similar and as traumatic experience myself. Good times.

  11. EWWW!

    My in-laws' dog is the sweetest little guy, too, and rarely does that, but he did it this past Thanksgiving and we were all HORRIFIED! And get this, it was with his little LAMB toy, too!! Maybe it's something about lambs that gets them excited? Who knows, but I agree, it's grooooooss.

    Funny stuff, though. :)

  12. P.S. Love the wine photos. Mmmmm, red wine.

  13. Oh man, I feel your motherly pain!!! I think I saw Bailey's "lipstick" [that's what we call it] once in the year and a half we've had him.

    That's one to many....

  14. That's one of the reasons I have a girl dog.

  15. LOL. I have two male dogs. They hump each other. We are definitely past the shock of r^2. Or actually, I guess it's r^4 in our house, since thee are two. :) We are now to the point of hilarity - Alvin has the biggest r^2 you have ever seen. It makes us laugh every time!

  16. The timing of this post is too funny because I had a traumatizing episode with the appearance of my (neutered) male dog's "r-squared" last night and I was just saying to my husband that I want the dog to be asexual and I never want to see anything that disgusting again!

    Yes, it grosses me out... and no, I don't know if the trauma will ever go away. I love my dog, but that is one thing that I hope I NEVER have to see again!

  17. Ahhh! I would be traumatized too. I don't have a dog, but I just wanted to say that I love the pics of Henry in this post. So cute!

  18. ooooo I have seen the "thing" before. Isn't it the most foul thing you have ever seen? I don't like it one bit. Gross.

    haha. Good luck with that one! I would have tossed the sweet lil sheep.. not worth it!

  19. My little dog did that quite a bit after he was first "fixed." We haven't seen it in quite some time though. We actually refer to it as his "lipstick."

  20. We don't have a dog, but we do have two male cats... And yes, this has been known to happen, especially when they're licking themselves, which is obviously something they enjoy. Ew.

  21. you're doing such great things with your rebel! i need to get to work. i need to know how to get the bigger pictures.

    now... henry, henry, henry. he's so sweet! he can't help it. he loves that lamb!

  22. LOOOVE Henry's face in the second photo. How can you say NO to that?

  23. Hahaha - this post was hilarious. Poor Henry - he is probably just as confused by his little thingie as you are :)

    I have a neutered male black lab, and although I've never seen his R-squared, apparently it comes out quite often during his humping sprees with his girlfriend (a cute little pit bull mix). Only my husband has seen it, and he too is quite scared/grossed out by it. It is quite traumatic!

  24. WOW, interesting post!

    I can remember when I had to witness one "of those" as well. Though I was MUCH younger. It was our family's male dog. Of course I'm scarred for life, that is the only thing I could envision since I read this post.

    Though, I did LOL a lot while reading. Thanks for Monday morning entertainment! :)

  25. Sadly I am forced to witness our dog's r-squared more than I care to admit. I guess I've gotten used to it, but am still quite embarrassed when it makes an appearance while we have friends over. I just ignore it and hope they don't notice that our dog is a perv :)

  26. i guess Henry is a late bloomer. . . what took him so long?!? :)

  27. Totally gross! Luckily Charlie has enough fur around that area where we don't see it. I think in the 3 years we've had him I've only seen it once. At the dog park, we see them more often than I would like. It's very awkward. And gross.

  28. LMAO!!! I too wondered if you captured said r-squared on film. You never know. Anywho, yes, I have had the unfortunate witnessing of um, you know.....
    Just be glad Henry's an only child. I've had the horror of witnessing my male 'get busy' with my female. I didn't think this was possible if both dogs were fixed, but it sure didn't stop him!


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