Moms Make it Work: Jenna | Part Time Working, Solo Parenting Mom

Update as of 8/6/14: 
I've turned off comments for this post. Two days seems to have been ample time to voice opinions on this blog. I'm ready to move on from this, and maybe you are, too. 

Update as of 8/5/14:
Wow, this post has been extremely polarizing, hasn't it? I have emailed Jenna and if she wants to respond directly to the criticisms about her outsourcing, her outlook on parenting, or her love for her children she can certainly comment here. I cannot speak for her on those sensitive subjects and I'm not sure if she will, either.

But I just wanted to say that you can mark me down as another person feeling sadness related to this post. Not because of what Jenna wrote but because this entire series is supposed to involve supporting other moms without judgement. There have been some positive comments as well but the negativity surrounding this post makes ME sad, too. 

It also bums me out that many of you wish I wouldn't have published this post at all. And that some are saying this gives the series a bad name or reflects poorly on the other posters included in the series. I guess that's the risk I'm taking with allowing guests to write here--it's intended to showcase many different viewpoints, different situations, and various opinions. For any of you that have read my blog before, you must know that I tend to take the 'middle of the road' approach and want to avoid confrontation if at all possible. So to have a post on my blog cause so much backlash is a real bummer for me personally. I really don't want one post to negatively affect the rest of the series--that is the part that bothers me the most. 

I don't think taking Jenna's post down will help anything, since what done is done. That would probably only make things worse at this point and I don't know how to make things better right now. I'm at a loss. But know that I never meant to upset or hurt anyone with this series---I had quite the opposite intentions, actually. 

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Today on the Moms Make it Work series we have Jenna from That Wife, sharing her take on being a mom to two kids while her husband travels Monday through Thursday. One of the requests you readers had for this second phase of the series was for me to find more moms who 'solo parent', with a spouse who travels for work/is deployed/works a LOT of hours. A follower on Instagram suggested Jenna for the series, and so she offered to write about how she makes it work as a 'solo' mom. I have known Jenna for many years now through our blogs, and even though mine is the one with 'Transition' in it's title, I think Jenna takes the cake for going through the most changes over the years. I know Jenna was hesitant to write about this topic at first, since her journey through motherhood has caused many conflicting emotions, but ultimately she felt she was ready to share. Enjoy!



Hello Transition readers! My name is Jenna and I'm a mother of two (a boy (4) and girl (1)) in the Bay Area of California. I'm currently making it work as a part-time photographer/blogger with a husband who travels for work Monday-Thursday (and usually works the other three days of the week as well). I call what I do solo parenting, and some weeks are better than others. When my kids are out of the house I manage Pinterest Fail, work on getting my Jenna Cole photography business up and running after yet another cross-country move, occasionally drop by my personal blog That Wife, and post lots of pictures at http://instagram.com/thatwife. A few weeks ago I also launched Hardly Sweetened, a recipe site for low-sugar mixed drinks. Testing out cocktails in the evenings is a really nice way to unwind after the kids are in bed. ;)

-What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And where are you now?

We met in Utah in 2007, married in Washington in 2008, lived in Dallas until 2010, did two years in Chicago for my husband's MBA program, and have lived in two different cities in the San Francisco Bay Area since 2012. I was raised in a conservative Mormon household and never really thought much about having a career, so all of our decisions about where to live and when to move have been determined by my husband's career.

The importance of motherhood was stressed from a young age, and so I bounced around between majors until I found one that was easy for me and didn't require any math or science. I always assumed I would stay at home, love every second of it, and my husband would be the only breadwinner in the family. (It was the middle assumption where I really got things wrong.)



I left BYU with just over 20 credits to go and wasn't very interested in finishing my degree. I pushed my husband to get started on kids and was pregnant 6 months after we got married. My thinking about a lot of things changed after I left my Mormon beliefs behind and I graduated with a bachelor's degree in English when I was 14 weeks along with our second child.

Currently I work MWF from about 10am-5pm. This break from my kids is absolutely essential for my mental health and emotional well-being, acting as a reset button after each day of full-time (usually solo) child chasing/cajoling/coaxing. During my office hours I chip away at whatever I have on my to-do list for that week; preparing posts for Pinterest Fail, editing photos, coordinating future projects, paying bills, writing photo tutorials, answering emails, etc. It brings in a little bit of money, and lots of joy as I get to set and work at my goals, but it's really about personal fulfillment more than anything. I think a lot about getting a job working for someone else and building up a career, but I'm hesitant to commit to a different work scenario while my husband works the way he does. Part-time self-employment without the stress to make ends meet is a luxury, and I'd like to stay in this position for at least another year.



I usually work on personal projects in the evenings after the kids are in bed, and try to force myself to only work on profitable endeavors during MWF child-free office hours. The hardest thing about self-employment for me is that it feels like I've never done enough, and it's tough for me to step away from the computer when there are still elements of a project I need to complete (and then there is always something on my "lake list," you know that list of never-ending projects that you feel should do but take forever to get to). My husband works from our home office some weekends, which is great because then he can see us a little bit more, but also means that I'm shut out from my office for the entire weekend. That was a difficult adjustment at first, but I've found that it's crucial for me to not put any items on my weekend to-do list that require computer time or long periods of concentration. I've used the app Remember the Milk for years and consider it an essential part of my daily life. I'm the best version of my mother-self when I use the postpone features on Remember the Milk and the Mailbox app from Dropbox that takes all of my tasks and emails and puts them out of sight and out of mind. This allows me to go on the back patio and watch my son ride his bike while my daughter crawls into my lap without feeling like there is something else I should be doing.

-What are the best parts of your situations? What are the challenges?

I don't know that they outweigh the bad, but there are a few advantages to a 1950's style parenting arrangement with a spouse who travels for work. I have total control over what the kids wear, what they eat, what they do, when they go to bed, how they are disciplined, etc. In the evenings after the kids are in bed I get to watch whatever I want as I fold the laundry, and can work late into the night if I please without a spouse asking me to come talk or canoodle (these are not bad things of course, but it's nice to have complete freedom over how I spend my time). Monday-Thursday is one less day where I have to worry about feeding another adult, or cleaning up after them (actually this is all days, my husband works so much that I haven't cooked a handful of meals for him in the past few months). The best of the best parts is that my husband is paid very well and we get to live in an expensive area on one income + the little bit I make from blogging and photography each month. And we get to do that with all sorts of indulgences, including child-free time for me and a killer preschool that our son goes to full-day Monday-Friday.



The challenges? *sigh*. This past week was a good illustration of how frustrating and draining it can be. My husband left on Monday morning, didn't come home until Friday afternoon. I picked up my son and brought him home from preschool at around 5pm, which meant the kids had about 10 minutes with their dad before both parents left and were out until late that night. Saturday and Sunday my husband went into the office, with a total of about 19 hours working out of the house over the weekend. These are the weekends where I do things like walk 45 minutes one-way to the grocery store in order to eat, run errands, exercise, and kill time all at once.

If I had two choose the two things that are hardest for me, it would be that I only have a few hours a month where I don't have to pay someone to do something without my kids in tow (we don't have any family around) and that all of the stresses of parenting young children fall entirely on me. Using food as an example, I plan the meals, shop for the food, prepare the meals, feed the kids (while begging them to please eat something other than the dipping sauce I put on their plate as an incentive), and clean up the meal all on my own. My floor is rarely swept, I eat almost all of my dinners standing up while trying to unload/load the dishwasher, and I'm grateful they teach my son to brush his teeth at school because once dinner is cleaned up all I want to do is get them to bed as fast as possible.



Most of the time on the weekday evenings I want to work on something at home, but there are times when my girlfriends get together and I need to decide if I want to pay someone to sit in my house while my kids are sleeping so I can leave the house. That "trapped" feeling really stinks. Whenever I'm invited to something for families I make sure and clarify "It's going to me, and my kids. No husband." It's hard to make couple friends when I don't have a partner to attend dinners and events with.



My oldest is starting to ask where his daddy is, and why his daddy doesn't come home at night. I try to help him understand, but dealing with his confusion and sadness at such a young age is very troubling and difficult. I can only hope that there are other employment opportunities in the future that don't involve regular travel.

-Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?

As a couple we have this discussion a lot. I think our ideal would be that we both have careers we love and can afford hire the help we need to make it work. I think a more realistic ideal would be a 9-5 job for my husband with only a handful of hours of work on the weekends, and a part-time job for me. I would like to continue with my photography business, but we're both pragmatists and not sure that it's a viable career in the long-term as technology develops.



-Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years? Or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?

For me it's not about changing careers. I feel like I have yet to launch a career! I'm still not sure what that is yet though. I'll be 30 next year and I feel so behind everyone else. Maybe there's an opportunity just around the corner that I can't quite see yet? I'm trying to do my best on the daily and take baby steps that build a good foundation for whatever comes in the future.



-Tips on how you make your situation work for you:

We hired a nanny for 20 hours/week in the mornings for three months after my daughter was born, and that's how I survived the newborn stage without all of my hair falling out. Now I'm treading water because I have full-day preschool M-F for my oldest and 3 days a week of full-day childcare for my youngest. Monday-Friday the same family who watches my youngest sends either a 12 or 14-year old girl over for about an hour to help get my kids dressed and out the door in the morning. I worked really hard to establish a support system and network of babysitters that can show up when we need more help.

My BIL is living with us temporarily as he builds up his business stateside (he lives in Poland) and this means that we can tell the sitter to go home after the kids are in bed. I like the arrangement so much that I'm campaigning for my sister to move in with me later this summer! I think it might happen which would solve a lot of my problems; craving adult interaction in the evenings after long days with the kids, someone to do stuff with on the weekends, the ability to leave the house on weekday evenings to spend time with my girlfriends, etc.



-How do meals work in your family? Meal planning? How often do you grocery shop? Who is in charge of this task in your family??

Peanut butter sandwiches! This is what my kids have for dinner almost every weekday, on the way home from school. It makes my life so much easier to feed them in the car, and then I can clean up the kitchen while they play and unwind a bit before bed. It also means I can go to the gym with them on Tuesday/Thursday in the evenings and then bring them home right afterward and put them to bed. We have a standalone freezer in the garage that is filled with microwavable meals from Trader Joe's. When I do cook it's large batches of stuff on my weekdays with my daughter so I can put stuff together throughout the rest of the week. One of my favorite things is to shop at the farmer's market on the weekend and put together a nice dinner on Saturday or Sunday. Though I lately haven't felt the desire to get the kids out of the house all by myself that early on a weekend morning, and it's always discouraging to put so much work into a meal and then eat the entire thing standing up while trying to simultaneously clean up the kitchen and fetch milk and napkins and clean up plates knocked to the ground.

I'm passionate about sustainable food and healthy eating, but one day I decided that I wanted those things to go on the back burner for a little bit as I worked to find ways to manage my anxiety and stress levels during this unique period in my life. My kids still eat pretty healthy (my current top priority is low-sugar), but there is less variety and a lot less stuff made entirely from scratch (I used to make my own whole wheat bread). My son's school emphasizes low-sugar whole foods and provides two snacks per day in addition to lunch, so I only need to think about breakfast and dinner for him when he goes to school. I was actually kind of sad to see my daughter advance in her solid food intake, because the pouches of puree made feeding her so easy.



-How do you keep your house clean? Power cleaning after bedtime? Staying out of the house as much as possible? Cleaning while kids are awake? Purging often? Cleaning schedule?

A few weeks ago I got rid of about 90% of our toys. The 10% leftover are made up of a train table, a basket of toys in their bedroom, a box of stuff in storage, and a collection of completely random outdoor toys I've picked up at yard sales and thrift stores over the year. I don't like clutter and I used to spend a lot of time stomping around the house huffing about how I'm not the maid and I don't want to be picking up everyone's messes all the time. Now I only do that once a day! (And I don't huff about it anymore (most of the time).) I'm neat, but not clean, which means my house will look okay for Instagram pictures but would never pass the Mary Poppins white glove test. For that sort of cleaning I outsource, hiring the nanny we used after my daughter's birth to come in every 3-4 weeks and do a deep clean of the entire house. Most of my housework is done on Tuesdays/Thursdays when my daughter is home with me, except for the dishes which I try to tackle once a day.



-How do you handle mommy guilt?

I went to therapy! Very worth the investment. Outsourcing childcare has also alleviated a lot of my mommy guilt. I only have both kids on the weekends and holidays, and my youngest is with me for two weekdays each week. That doesn't leave me a lot of opportunities to screw things up. Ha! I have full faith that the caretakers I've found are phenomenal so I send my kids off to their respective situations guilt-free.



When I showed the rough draft for this post to a friend she said "How did you get rid of all of your toys without your kid freaking out?" I think it's probably because I've decided to divorce myself from screen-time guilt. My kids (really just my oldest, though I don't prevent the youngest from seeing the screen when it is on) have a little bit of TV in the mornings and evenings on weekdays before and after school. On weekends there are cartoons in pajamas in the mornings and TV during quiet time when baby girl is napping and screen time right before bed after the pajamas are on. That's why they don't need a lot of toys, between school and trips out of the house on the weekends and time in the backyard on warm afternoons and TV time they have enough toys to meet their needs.

It reminded me of another way I'm fighting the mommy guilt - I'm done worrying about meeting impossible standards or the thinking that the newfangled ideas of today are the only way to raise successful and compassionate children. I don't see my husband dealing with any daddy guilt, and I don't know any fathers who speak about their parenting the way all the mothers around me do. I think we all need to be a lot kinder to ourselves.



I reject the helicopter parenting model and prefer something more like the mothering style of the past, which I recently heard Teri Gross refer to as the "drone style." I think the "The Economist's Guide to Parenting," produced by Freakonomics, is one of the greatest parenting guides you can find. My takeaway from the parenting pieces they've done is that who kids turn out to be is largely determined by who their parents are. Not how much TV the kids watch or how many boxes of blue box Kraft they eat, but whether the parents are ambitious, kind, open-minded, educated, curious, friendly, persistent, humble, empathetic, and willing to say "I don't know" and "I love you" and "I'm sorry." According to Steve Levitt, quoted by Stephen Dubner, "What matters most is who parents are; not what they do."



I've faced a lot of criticism about my parenting choices, but the critics who really matter (my mom, my husband, therapist, etc) have consistently validated my efforts and gently pointed out small changes I can make to do better. I turn to them for guidance when I am humble enough to seek feedback and implement changes. The Dowager Countess of Downton Abbey may have said it best when consoling Lady Mary - "There's more than one type of good mother."





{Thanks, Jenna! Find the rest of the MMIW series here.}