Hidden Baby Chronicles part 1

{Before I get to the actual post, I have to be all mushy and say 'thanks' to everyone who commented on my below post. It actually made me a bit teary to read all of the responses which of course, is par for the hormonal course. Nothing like a little virtual love to make this pregnant lady weepy. And to the VERY astute readers who noticed the 'Fit Pregnancy' magazine in my 'Hung' post, you get 10 points for being observant. I even tried to blur out the title so it wouldn't give me away and you still caught on to me!

I do not intend for this blog to become solely about pregnancy, alienating those who aren't pregnant or already moms. However, since I've always been a random blogger who writes about life in general you can definitely expect this blog to take a turn towards babies. I hope you don't mind.

For example, I've been sneaky and drafted 9 more posts after this one in the past 6 weeks since we found out. That means lots of 'Hidden Baby Chronicles' for you dear readers. I hope these posts will answer all of your burning questions without me needing to write one big fat informational 'Q and A' post. If they get a little boring feel free to ignore. I'll get caught up on life and blog real-time again very soon, I'm sure you'll get sick of all the new posts I throw at you. But there's just something about recording my thoughts as they come that is incredibly therapeutic to me and I'm hoping it will connect with some of you out there, too. I'm willing to bet there are a few readers who are going through the scary first trimester, too, and maybe my neurotic thoughts will make you feel even better about yourself:) Plus, I'm definitely making all of these pregnancy posts into one big fat pregnancy album...did you have any doubts?

I'm off to St. Louis AGAIN for Lindsey's wedding tomorrow night but I'm going to schedule out a few posts from the mysterious archives. Enjoy! And settle in for a few long reads.}
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July 7, 2009--Tuesday

Um, so.... I'm FREAKING PREGNANT!!

I've got a little poppy seed in there, according to The Bump.

Even typing those words makes my heart rate speed up a little bit. It's so surreal, so awesome, and so incredibly frightening all at the same time. I've attempted to write in an actual paper journal but I have too many thoughts to hold on paper. And I got a major hand cramp and decided that was probably bad for the baby, just like everything else in the entire world, apparently. So I've turned to typing on the ol' blog as a therapeutic medium. Of course, you won't be reading this for a while but a little 'draft' action is always a good thing. While my fireworks and concert posts are going up in real time, secretly I'm writing this baby post. So sneaky, aren't I?

Where to begin, dear blogosphere? Hmmm...perhaps a little background info.

Well, basically, Nate and I were in the following category regarding trying to conceive: "Not actively trying but not avoiding either." The general idea was to 'see what happens' over the summer and then after the marathon in October, we'd really crack down and start humping like rabbits {I'm sorry. Is that TMI? Well guess what---pregnant ladies talk about a lot of stuff that is probably TMI. Methinks you should get used to it.}

I went off the pill in December and immediately began charting my waking temperatures, after reading the ever-popular Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I'm sure you've probably heard of the Fertility Awareness Method so I won't go into details but there was just something about the methodical documenting of daily temperatures that I thoroughly enjoyed. It was probably because I'm incredibly anal and simply adore charts and organization, so FAM was made for my Type-A self. Also, being off of the pill for the first extended period of time in the past 10 years was highly liberating. I think it might have made my biological clock kick in to high gear as well without the extra synthetic hormones in my system, because with every month of charting I started to get more and more baby-ready. But from December to May we were definitely using the method to avoid pregnancy.

I had prepared myself to wait for Nate to be on board with my baby fever, not sure if it would take him well into the Fall or beyond to be ready, but he surprised me and landed on the same page as me earlier than I thought. As we talked it TO DEATH about 8 billion times we both felt comfortable 'just seeing what happens' over the summer. We were both excited about the possibility of getting pregnant but we didn't put a lot of pressure on ourselves like, "OMG we have to get pregnant this month or else." I honestly thought it would take us many months to get pregnant and my pessimistic nature worried that we'd try for years before it happened. I know, it's horrible to think that way, but that's just me sometimes.

The second month of 'Trying-But-Not-Labeling-It-"Trying" ' yielded a big fatty positive pregnancy test. Holy crap, I still can't believe it. Apparently we are not infertile after all and got it on the second semi-try--and you better believe I feel so incredibly blessed over this fact. Guess my pessimism was unfounded, huh? Would you like to hear the story of this BFP? Of course you would:)

On Friday, July 3, I had a minor freak out moment and decided to take the plunge and buy a few Dollar Store tests. I'd never taken a pregnancy test before so needless to say I was totally nervous. I wasn't even late yet, as I was due to start my period on Sunday, but I just wanted to test to clear my mind a bit. Plus, we had a busy weekend planned and I needed to know if I could partake in a few brews along the way. Yeah....more on this later.

So I took the test Friday after work and it was negative. I was a little surprised by how disappointed I was, but I moved on. I told Nate about the negative test and his first reaction was, "You are relying on a test that costs a dollar? Aren't those things normally REALLY expensive?" I informed him that it was silly to waste so much money on expensive tests when they'd probably be negative anyway. So we went to the fireworks on Friday night and I enjoyed a few brewskis. Am I going straight to hell for this one? Motherly guilt has already kicked in full swing but never fear: I have researched the hell out of this one on the internet and I'm pretty sure the microscopic baby did not suffer any ill-effects from my brews. Maybe it will just be a partying rock star?

Saturday I went for an 11 mile run and the entire time I let my mind wander to the possibility of being pregnant. I was mad at myself for allowing my mind to go there, knowing that I would probably start that day or the next. But it was weird---no cramps, no sign of my monthly visitor to be seen. But then after my run, I convinced myself that I felt the beginnings of cramps. I was 85% sure that I'd start the next day. Bummer. Why did I let myself get my hopes up?

Sunday morning, I woke up before work expecting to see my period. Nothing. Nada. So I decided to take another cheapie test. I hopped in the shower as the test was working and when I came out I immediately saw one solid line, meaning negative. So I walked away, got dressed, and when I came back into the bathroom I began to scrutinize that line to death. I could have SWORN there was the faintest possible second line on that puppy but it was only visible with intense squinting and a little bit of imagination. I decided that I was officially losing my mind and tossed the test, trying to get on with my day. Stupid cheap-o tests. Why couldn't you be more clear to my psycho self?

Again, all day Sunday I was prepared to see 'Aunt Flo' show up. Again, she did not. I knew that I was off work on Monday and decided that I'd buy a digital test and use it Tuesday morning if I still hadn't started by then. I sincerely thought I was just a little late this month at this point but wrote in my paper diary that now I was only 75% sure I'd start soon. For every month I'd been charting before this one, I always started my period on the same day after ovulation and now here we were....a day late.

While I was out and about on Monday (yesterday) I bought the digital test, cursing myself for spending so much money on the bastard. I came home and Google chatted a bit with Hannah about my plans. The more and more we talked about it, the more anxious I got. Hannah was convinced that my test would be positive and I just couldn't let myself believe that yet. She asked if Nate would be mad if I tested right then while he was at school. I knew he wouldn't be mad....he knew about my overanalyzation of this situation, and my plan to test the next day. He found my whole outlook highly entertaining, actually, because I was definitely driving myself crazy. He loves when I'm crazy, for sure:)

So Hannah waited on Google chat while I attempted to pee on a stick, the third time in my life and the third time in 4 days. I was so flipping nervous that I suffered a bit of stage fright and couldn't pee. Curses! So I ran back to the computer and told her to hold her horses while I chugged water....and chugged, I did. A ridiculous amount. I waited 2o minutes and took the plunge. This was it: one way or the other.

I set the test down on the counter and saw the little hour-glass ticking away. I couldn't even concentrate at this point because the blood was pounding at a deafening rate in my head. I paced around the house for a bit, flipped on the TV, and landed on the freaking Baby Story on TLC. Some lady was giving birth and I couldn't deal with that image burning into my retinas, because OMG--what if that is ME in 9 months?!? I had to pace around the house a little bit more. I remember saying out loud, "God--your will be done here. Not mine. It's your call, Big Guy." I cautiously walked back into the bathroom and saw that there were words on the test.

It took about 3 seconds for me to comprehend that it said 'Pregnant' on the little screen. There wasn't a 'NOT' in front of that word, you guys. Then I started squealing and repeating "holycrapholycrapholycrap" about 10 times before I grabbed my phone to shriek with Hannah. We shared a little moment, realizing that we'd share part of our pregnancies together, and she took a shot at calming me down and preparing me for a long and grueling first trimester.

All that was left on that most amazing day---Monday, July 6---was to tell my husband. Oh, and breathe. I had to remind myself to breathe. And of course I had to snap some '4 week belly pics!':




(might be the last time I'm comfortable in a sports bra and shorts for awhile?)


More to come, dear secret internets. More to come.