Hidden Baby Chronicles: Deep Thoughts

June 11, 2009

The Paradoxical First Trimester (aka Deep Thoughts by a Newly Pregnant Lady)


In a few days I will be officially 5 weeks pregnant, which means I've had almost a week to let this news sink into my thick skull.

I can't help but think this whole first tri thing is both amazing and awful all at the same time. Let me explain.

Seeing the word 'pregnant' on our digital test was quite possibly one of THE happiest moments of my entire life. This pure sense of joy is almost palpable as we are entering into the next phase of our lives together: parenthood. It's something I've always dreamed about and words cannot describe how incredibly happy we both are to be in this position. Excuse me while I pinch myself.

Then again, having this immense sense of excitement and joy is fairly ironic when you can't tell a flipping soul. I mean, if I had my way I'd shout it from the mountaintops right now but instead we have to keep this humongous secret until we get official confirmation with an ultrasound. I'm honestly afraid that I'll just be talking to a friend, or a co-worker about everyday life and all of a sudden it spews out of my mouth without warning. Sort of like, "Yeah, we're going to make a chicken dish tonight and add a little side of....HOLY HELL DID I MENTION THAT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY???!!!???" Whoops. Talk about making a conscious effort to keep a big fatty secret.

Another interesting counterpart to the intense joy we are feeling right now is the debilitating worry of the first trimester. I know that there is only a 25% chance of miscarriage before you hear the heartbeat but omg...TWENTY-FIVE percent seems like a giant black hole that is going to suck me under and suffocate me to death. Honestly, why does it seem like everyone on message boards, TV, and movies miscarry? If I read one more phrase that contains the words 'empty sac' I'm going to barf. (and no I haven't experienced morning sickness yet, which I suppose is rather normal this early on but of course it freaks me out to feel relatively good. )

I know that every woman goes through this sense of worry and I'm positive it won't stop after the first trimester. Heck, I'm sure once this little bumpkin is born (God willing) I'll have to make sure s/he is still breathing all of the time, worried that s/he will fall and get hurt, or whatever. But honestly, I just want to see the evidence that so far everything is a-okay. Then I can take it from there and continue on with new worries, considering it a privilege to worry about my baby. But the thought that something might happen to this pregnancy is such a stabbing thought that I have to consciously make the decision to breathe. I have to believe that this is out of my control, that God knows exactly what will happen at that first ultrasound and beyond. I am struggling to take comfort in the fact that there is nothing I can do to make this a sticky baby. But Dear Lord, I want so badly to experience this pregnancy to it's fullest. Ugh. The sense of worry is definitely a paradox to the sense of joy in these first weeks of pregnancy.

It's almost like this is too good to be true. It's hard to accept that I'm really deserving of this amazing gift when so many people out there struggle for years to be in the same place. You know that feeling when everything is so wonderful in your life that you just have to brace yourself for the bottom to fall out? Yeah, I'm there right now. And I hate that I can't just enjoy this time and push the negativity out of my mind but I'm working on it, for sure.

A very wise friend of mine once told me something I'll never forget. She said that there are really only two prayers we'll ever pray to God. "Thank you" and "Help". Right now I'm praying both prayers with equal gusto. Thank you so much for getting us to this amazing place, and please help me chill out a teensy little bit.

More deep thoughts by a newly pregnant lady, coming soon.